TW // Mental Health

I suggest you play the song while reading this update (for a better reading experience. if you don't want to, ayos lang naman : > ) 

the song is: Blue Sky by Hale. 

Happy reading! 
 

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You cannot run away from the past. 
 

Before Seulgi came back to my life, I was so eager to find out why she left. I wanted so bad to know. Now that she is back, I have been trying to delay knowing about that part of our past. After all, parang ang gusto ko lang naman na mangyari ay bumalik siya at magkasama na kami ulit. Dahil nangyari na iyon, at masaya na kami ngayon, gusto kong kalimutan na ang tungkol sa pag alis niya noon. 
 

Isa yata sa mga dahilan ng pagpunta namin dito sa Tagaytay ay para sabihin na ni Seulgi kung ano ba ang nangyari noon, resulting in her disappearance. Ayoko na sanang gawin niya iyon pero may magagawa ba ako? This is her choice, after all. And I have to accept it. 

When do stars fade their light.?
Does the moon and the sun make it right.

"Ang tahimik mo yata.." tanong ni Seul pagka bukas niya ng canned beer at inabot ito sa akin. 
 

Nakabalik na kami sa condomenium. Natapos na ang dinner at nag-aya na siyang umuwi para makapag pahinga na faw kami. Pero dahil hindi ako makatulog, lumabas muna ako para tumambay dito sa balcony at para i-enjoy ang malamig na hangin. Wala naman kasing ganito sa Manila. 
 

"Nothing.. I'm just, bothered.." 

Truth is, the words that came out from Seulgi's mouth earlier bothers me. She talked about scars and healing. It bothers me because as a girlfriend, I don't even know what she was talking about. Kaya siguro hindi ako makatulog. Kaya din inihahanda ko na ngayon ang sarili ko sakaling kailangan na naming pag-usapan ang isang sensitibong topic sa relasyon namin. 
 

For you the world maybe like.
An endless storm chasing a mystery.

"Back when I was seven years old, our family came here for a vacation." Oh, now it's finally starting. "Kuya Minhyuk was eight, then. It was just us, and my twin sister. Yerim didn't exist, yet." 
 

I was surprised to find out that Seulgi had a twin sister! I have known her for years but she never really told me, and I never asked, too. I don't even remember seeing her twin's picture in their house, or even on her phone. 
 

Where is she now? 
 

Is there hate in your heart.?
Does your body drop and tell you to stop.

"Actually, we visit Tagaytay every year as a family. Dad is a frequent visitor because he's golfing, while we would only come during summer or christmas because that was the only time we had." 
 

I stared at Seulgi as she suddenly became quiet while trying to reminisce the old days. I felt pain in my chest after seeing how troubled and hurt her eyes were. 
 

"It was fun, coming here every year? It started when I was four, I remember. It stopped when I was seven." she gulped the remaining beer from her can before opening another one. "It was fun, until I became stupid, careless, and created trouble." 
 

At that moment, I wanted her to stop. Gusto kong pigilan na siyang ikwento ang mga ito dahil kitang kita ko kung gaano kahirap at gaano ka-sakit para sa kaniya. Ngayon pa lang, alam ko na this is a part of her past that was so painful that she ended up burying it. I can also feel how she's mustered up the courage just to be able to open up to me about this. 

Loving you or loving me.
When it falls down you just.

"My twin sister, Seulki. We were just having fun. We were playing a chase. I was chasing her because I was the zombie. I didn't know that that game would be the death of her." for a moment, I saw how Seulgi tried stopping her emotions. "I lost my twin sister because I was so playful and careless." 

"Seul.." I softly called her name. "It's okay to not talk about this.." I tried to sound comforting as possible, but I guess this isn't for me. 

"I'm fine, 'Ga. Sabi ko nga, I want to reopen the scars because that is what's going to help me heal." for the first time, I saw Seulgi's saddest smile. "So, yeah. I lost my twin sister because of me."

I really didn't know how to react. This is the first time I've seen my bestfriend, my girlfriend, this vulnerable. 
 

Just sing with me.
Cause' there's a blue sky waiting tomorrow.

I know the feeling of losing someone you love dearly. I was already a teenager when I lost my parents. It was painful. The darkest days in my life. And now, knowing that Seulgi lost half of her when she was only seven years old, I couldn't relate to the pain. 
 

"For months, I couldn't speak. I won't eat, won't play, won't talk to my parents. Because imagine how painful it was to see your twin sibling drowning in her own blood, because of you?" 
 

"It's not your fault, Love." were the very first words that came out of my life. 

"It was my fault, 'Ga." Seulgi sighed. "Kung sana nakinig ako kay Mom! Kung hinintay namin sila at sa loob na lang kami ng condo naglaro. Hindi sana nangyari 'yon." 
 

"It was an accident." I said with a voice so soft, hoping that it would somehow comfort her and give her an assurance that her sister didn't die because of her. 

Waiting tomorrow shining and shimmering.
A blue sky waiting tomorrow.

"Yes it was, but it never should have happened in the first place, if I wasn't stubborn. If I wasn't careless."

Seul took a sip from her beer again, leaving me in a state where I couldn't speak because I really don't know what to say. I want to be careful of the words I'll have to say to not offend her or hurt her more. 

She looked up at the sky, eyes directly fixated on the brightest star, then she smiled bitterly. 

"Two months after that accident, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder." It was like a ticking time bomb that finally exploded. I was stoned at my place, trying to process what I have heard. 

Waiting tomorrow.
May its all we need.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is something that I have only read on books, and seen on movies. It is a type of mental disorder that happens to someone that has been through a traumatic experience in the past. With Seulgi's case, she was probably so shocked about what happened to her twin sister that it gave her a trauma that she has been fighting even until today! 

It isnt curable. A person with that condition will naturally forget the trauma in due time, but there may be ways to trigger the trauma. Now that I have connected the puzzle.. Seulgi's trauma came back when we encountered an accident three years ago? 

Oh. don't you wash away that smile.
You just look out the window and see the light.

"It was so difficult. Every night I dream of it. The dream always looked real. Even until today, I can still vividly picture it in my head." Seulgi sniffed. "Ang hirap, 'Ga. Hindi ko matanggap yung nangyari. As a child, I was so weak to fight the trauma, the pain, and the guilt." 

Hindi ko mailarawan si Seulgi, the jolly person that she is, you really wouldnt know that she''s carrying a burden this heavy. Alam kaya ito nila Wendy? Paano niya kinaya na siya lang mag-isa ang nagdala nito, sa loob ng napakaraming taon? And. how did she feel when-- the trauma reocurred because of our accident three years ago? 

Hindi ko din alam. Akala ko talaga noong una ay mababaw lang ang dahilan ng pag-alis ni Seulgi. Heck I even believed rumors that she eloped with Tzuyu! Naisip ko din na baka wala siyang choice noon kung hindi ang pumayag sa gusto ng mga magulang niya na mag migrate na sa ibang bansa, kaya umalis siya nang walang pasabi. Parang masyadong unfair para kay Seulgi ang ganitong mga inisip ko noon, dahil hindi ko naman alam, at hindi ko inaasahan na mabigat pala ang dahilan ng pag-alis niya. 

"I  broke my mom's heart when we lost Seulki, and I broke it again when they found out about my PTSD." Seulgi looked at me with those sad eyes. "Would you believe that the seven-year-old me wished that I die, instead? That it should have been me, instead of Seulki?" 

It's beautiful to be alive.
It's wonderful to live a life.

Hindi ulit ako nakapag salita. Hinigit ko siya at niyakap ng napakahigpit. Nabitawan niya ang hawak niyang can ng beer dahil doon, at ngayon ay humahagulgol na siya habang yakap yakap ko. Hindi na ako nagtangka pa na magsalita dahil minsan, sapat na iparamdam mo sa mga tao na nandyan ka para sa kanila, at na mahal mo sila. 

"I miss her, 'Ga. I miss my twin and I'm still so sorry for her. She was so young. She had dreams, too." 

"It would have been nice if I met her," I said in a low tone. 

"You would love her." 

The sun is sure to shine.
For you and me for everyone.

Nahimasmasan si Seulgi, kaya iniwan ko siya sandali para kumuha ng tubig. Hindi pa tapos ang usapan pero kinakabahan ako. Napabuntong-hininga na lang tuloy ako. I have long waited for this moment, ngayon ko pa ba tatakbuhan? 

Pagbalik ko galing sa pagkuha ng bottled water para kay Seul, mahina na lang ang paghikbi niya. Pilit akong napangiti nang maupo sa tapat niya. Inabot ko na agad ang tubig para mainom niya iyon. 

"Thank you." she said. "Nasaang part na ba ako ng kwento? Itutuloy ko na.." 

I softly chuckled. "It's okay, 'Ga.. kung hirap ka na at pwede naman natin bukas ituloy 'to." 

Umiling si Seul at inilapag na sa table ang bottled water niya. "No more delays, 'Ga. Tatapusin na natin ang usapang ito ngayon." 

So don't be sad it's just the start.
Of a new beginning in your life.

"My parents did their very best just so I could forget the trauma. It took me years before finally moving on, but not completely. I tried my best to recover, and to bury that part of the past because I realized that I'm like killing my parents twice, because of what I was doing to myself." 

I realized how painful it was, kay Tita Jiyoung at Tito Seunghoon na hindi pa sila nakakarecover sa pagkamatay ng kapatid ni Seulgi, ay kailangan naman nilang mag-focus sa treatment ni Seul dahil sa condition niya. How were they able to grieve when they had to cater Seulgi, too? Napasakit nga noon para sa isang magulang. 

"By the time I transferred sa St. Scho, I can say that I have already recovered. Eight years na din yata ang nakalipas ng mangyari 'yon? So I barely got rid of the trauma, although sometimes I would still dream of it. I still received treatment, hanggang sa finally, natuto akong mag-drive." 

Mapait siyang ngumiti. 

A blue sky waiting tomorrow.
Waiting tomorrow shining and shimmering.

"I was eighteen when I first drove. It was a huge achievement not only for me, lalo kila Mom. There was some point na inakala nilang I will never be able to ride the four wheels, dahil sa trauma ko. Na hindi ko gustong makakita ng sasakyan, makalapit doon, lalo ang sumakay. Kaya sobrang saya nila nang maging effective ang therapy ko. Dapat lang, because they spent millions."

Tumayo kami pareho at sumandal sa railings ng balcony. Alam kong sa mga susunod na sandali ay tutulo na din ang mga luha na pinipigilan ko. Pero gusto kong maging matibay, dahil ayokong maramdaman ni Seulgi na kinaaawaan ko siya - kahit ang totoo ay nasasaktan ako para sa kaniya.

"Okay na ako ulit, kaya lang, nangyari yung accident natin. Ironic, kasi dito ulit sa Tagaytay."

Tumango ako. "I remember how shocked and afraid you were." 

"Because it reopened the scars, 'Ga." Seulgi sighed. "I have been building up a wall to not be faltered by that part of the past. Because it was so traumatic. Pagkatapos, iyong binuo kong harang, biglang maguguho dahil sa nangyari. Did you know how scared I was, of losing you? Of losing someone dear to me, because of my own carelessness again?" 

A blue sky waiting tomorrow.
Waiting tomorrow.
Maybe it's all we need.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Parang biglang nag-flash sa utak ko ang araw na iyon. Kitang kita ko kung pano naging vulnerable si Seulgi, sobrang nag-aalala at hindi ko halos makausap dahil sa shock na idinala sa kaniya ng aksidente. Akala ko noon ay sobra lang siyang nagulat sa mga nangyari, pero ang totoo pala ay may trauma siya sa mga kagayang aksidente, dahil sa nangyari sa kakambal niya. 

"Sinubukan ko naman na maging okay, pagkatapos noon. I am past that phase, eh. But. I guess I'm still not done running away from the past." malungkot na ngumiti si Seulgi at hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Hinding hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko, 'Ga, kung may nangyaring masama sayo ng gabi na 'yon. O kung nawala ka sa akin nang gabing iyon." 

Rain will keep on pouring.
Sometimes you control.

Ngumiti din ako at pinunasan ang mga luha na tumatakas mula sa mata ni Seulgi. "But I'm fine, 'Ga. Walang masamang nangyari. Hindi din naman kita sinisisi 'non. It was an accident."

"Another accident." tumango si Seulgi. "Bumalik ang PTSD ko 'non, 'Ga. I. had to undergo several therapy sessions and hide it from you, Dahil hindi pa ako 'non handa na sabihin sayo, na i-open up sayo."

Sinubukan ko ulit alalahanin ang mga taon na iyon. May mga panahon nga na hindi ko nakikita si Seulgi. Kung minsan, kahit nga magkasama kami ay tulala siya at parang malalim ang iniisip. Idagdag pa na hindi na nga siya nag-drive ulit pagkatapos na mangyari ang aksidente na iyon. Tanda ko noong sinundo niya ako sa Dasma para bumisita sa bahay nila sa Parañaque. Nagulat ako noon dahil may kasama siyang driver at hindi siya ang nag-drive.

And while the sun seems far and hard to hold.
It will unfold.

"Akala ko, I would be stronger this time. Dahil mas matanda na ako 'non, mas kaya ko nang labanan yung trauma." natawa si Seulgi. "Pero mas kinaya pala ako ng trauma."

Sandaling napatigil si Seulgi at tinitigan lang ako ng matagal bago bumuntong hininga. 

"Have you ever heard of Dissociative Identity Disorder?" dahan dahan akong tumango. "It is one of the coping mechanisms of those with PTSD. They would literally shut off or dissociate themselves from a situation or experience that's too violent or traumatic. Because of that, they would create a new personality that's far different from who they really were."

There will always be a blue sky.
A blue sky waiting tomorrow.

Again, hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. Totoo ba na ito ang dahilan ng pag-alis niya? Isang bagay na, nababasa ko lang sa mga pelikula at napapanuod sa tv! 

"Noong malapit na ang graduation natin, I felt changes on myself. Minsan, hindi ko kilala ang sarili ko. Minsan, may mga bagay ako na ginagawa na hindi ko nare-realize. Ako ba talaga 'yon? Hindi na ako sigurado." Seulgi softly chuckled. "It was then detected that I am already in the early stage of Dissociative Identity Disorder." 

"Bakit--hindi mo sinabi?" marahan kong tanong, nilalabanan pa din ang mga luha ko. 

Umiling si Seulgi. "I didn't want to share the burden with you, 'Ga. You were already so busy with your thesis, ayokong makadagdag." 

"I was your bestfriend." 

Masakit isipin na ganito pala yung pinagdaanan ni Seulgi, pero mas pinili niyang hindi sabihin sa akin because she cared for me. Madalas siyang mag-alala para sa akin. Palagi kong sinasabi sa kaniya kapag nalulungkot ako, at kapag masyadong mabigat para sa akin ang dinadala ko. Pero bakit hindi niya hinayaan na maging best friend ako para sa kaniya sa mga panahon na kailangang kailangan niya ako?

"I did not want you to see me that vulnerable, 'Ga. More importantly, I did not want you to see me breaking down, nor see my other personalities." 

Hindi na ako nag-aksaya ng panahon. Hinigit ko si Seulgi para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. Sa ngayon, gustong gusto ko na ipadama sa kaniya na andito ako. I may be the reason why her wounds reopened, but I want her to know that I can be the person who could help her heal, too. Na kahit maraming mga panahon ang nasayang, nandito ako ngayon sa tabi niya, handang tulungan siya na malampasan ito. 

Full of hope.
Yeahhh...

Waiting tomorrow shining and shimmering.

"I'm sorry for only finding out about this, 'Ga." marahang sabi ko nang humiwalay ako sa yakap, ngayon ay nakalapit ang mukha sa kaniya. 

"Sorry for only telling you now." inayos ni Seulgi ang mga takas na buhok na nasa mukha ko at ngumiti. "I'm sorry, too, for leaving you three years ago. I didn't want that, baby. But I was also so desperate to hide my condition from you. I didn't want you to see that part of me." 

Tumango ako at hinawakan ang magkabilang pisngi niya. "What's important is that you're here now. We shall get through this together, alright?" 

A blue sky waiting tomorrow.
Maybe it's all we need.

When Seulgi and I first reconnected, she was so vocal about making it up to me. Today, I realized that it should be me, that has to make it up to her. She was afraid because of me. She was afraid of losing me. She left, because of me. Because she did not want to share the burden. 

Now that she's back, as my girlfriend, I wouldn't let her succumb to this alone.