There are times na I am so full of myself. Sarili ko lang ang iisipin ko, ang mga bagay na gusto ko lang paniwalaan ang papaniwalaan ko. I would not mind other's opinions on things. Ang mahalaga, iyong akin. Iyon pa din ang paniniwalaan ko,  ang susundin ko. 

I was quick to judge Seulgi after yesterday's incident, I know. Mahal ko ang girlfriend ko, I trust her. Pero wala akong tiwala sa kasama niya. In the first place, bakit nga ba kasama niya si Sunmi so early in the morning? 

I have been making myself believe that that was nothing. Pinakalma ko ang sarili ko para huwag mag-isip ng kung ano pa, tungkol sa kanilang dalawa. My initial reaction was out of shock, and of course, I know, that was rash and is not justifiable. Like I said, I was quick to judge Seulgi, at para bang wala akong tiwala sa kaniya at sa relasyon namin. At alam kong mali ang naging reaksyon kong iyon. 

Ano ang dapat kong gawin para maayos ito agad? 

There's one crucial thing that's important in a relationship - communication. 

Ako ang nagduda, ako ang may issue, kaya ako din dapat ang umayos nito. I knew I had to talk to Seulgi about this, rather than believe in hearsay, or believe in someone that's not my girlfriend. Iyon ang tamang gawin. Ang kausapin si Seulgi. Iyon na nga sana ang gagawin ko, kaya lang, bago ko pa matawagan ang girlfriend ko ay naunang mag-send si Jennie sa akin ng nakita niyang picture ni Seulgi - kasama si Sunmi, which was posted on the latter's social media account. 

Sa isang iglap, parang ang lahat ng paglalakas loob ko, ang determinasyon ko na tawagan ang girlfriend ko para ayusin ito, biglang nawala. Dahil sa isang post na iyon. 

Isa pa, she's not even calling or texting me. 

"Pasan mo nanaman ba ang daigdig? Loosen up a bit, Rene." si Jennie, kausap ko the morning after the incident. 

"Sorry. Hindi kasi ako.. nakatulog." 

Jennie sighed. "There's not even a text message from her?" umiling ako sa tanong niya. "Hayaan mo muna. Malay mo she's really busy with the wedding preparations din. Kuya Minhyuk's wedding will happen next week, right?"

"I think so." 

Ang dami kong gustong sabihin at tanungin kay Jennie. I know that this issue has become a big deal, because of me. 

Ako nanaman. Ako naman lagi. 

Why is it that I have so little faith in my girlfriend? Ang daming iba na pwedeng dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa ako kino-contact. Pero bakit ang mas malalang dahilan ang gusto kong paniwalaan?

"Hey, Irene. Do you want to talk about it?" 

"I miss you, Jen.."

Unti unting uminit ang mga mata ko. It is during these times that I need someone beside me, the most. 

Ang needy ko, hindi ko din alam kung bakit. Siguro ay nasanay ako na tuwing may problema, nandito lang si Jennie sa tabi ko, and she would help me and clear my mind - especially when I am in a confusing state, gaya ngayon.

"Oh, Irene. How I wish I can be with you, right now, too." Jennie sighed again. "What is it that bothers you?" 

"Me." huminga ako ng malalim. "I know, it's cliché, na when I talk to Seulgi about this, I would tell her the infamous it's not you, it's me line. Because that really is the problem." 

"Irene, this isn't about you or Seulgi being at fault. Yes, you are thinking this way because you misjudged her. Probably." she shrugged. "But do we know the other person involved? Do we know her personality? What if this turns out to be a trap that she has set up for you to eventually break up with Seulgi?" 

Break up. Break up with Seulgi..

It would be so petty of me to ask for a breakup over this. After all, I am yet to hear her side. It would be so unfair for her. 

Pero paano kung doon nga ito mauwi?

"Or what if that girl's just being delusional?" napaisip ako sa tanong ni Jennie. 

Again, hindi ko alam ang personality ng babae na iyon. I have never met her in real life. She doesn't even belong in our circle. Kaya paano kung tama si Jennie, na delusional nga ang tao na ito?

"You should talk to Seulgi about this, Irene." she sighed. "You would not want to be the next Ate TIffany and Taeyeon, right?" 

Ah, why do I have to remind myself of this? 

Hindi ko inaaasahan na magiging relevant ang nangyari kila Ate, sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon. 

Bakit nga sila ulit nag break ni Taeyeon?

Dahil sa Long Distance Relationship. 

Wala namang nagloko sa kanilang dalawa. Mahal nila ang isa't isa. Pero nagkulang sa pag-uusap. Nawala ang constant communication, nanlamig, napagod. 

Sa ganitong panahon na magkalayo kami ni Seulgi, at madami akong issue sa sarili ko, mapapagod din ba siya sa akin? 

"Hindi ko ipagpapalit si Seulgi sa career ko." 

Tumango si Seulgi. "Yes, I know that. Pero won't you guys drift apart, dahil sa nangyayari ngayon?"

Hindi ako agad sumagot. 
 

"Bakit ba nag break si Taeyeon at Ate Tiff? Pagod na pala sila, nagsawa na pala sila. Pero hindi nila pinagusapan. Hindi na tuloy naayos." 
 

"We are a different case, Jen." I sighed. "She's with her ex. Who introduced herself to me as her girlfriend." 

"Irene, try to understand my point, please?" napahawak ako sa sentido ko nang sabihin iyon ni Jen. "You are in a relationship with Seulgi. You should trust her not anyone else. At this point, kung maniniwala ka sa lahat ng sasabihin ng iba, well, I'm sorry but I don't think your relationship will last." 

Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil sa sinabing iyon ni Jennie. 

She made a good point. It made me want to re-examine myself - and my love for Seulgi. 

When we first entered this relationship, I only prepared myself for the good things that will come. Good things to look forward to. I failed to realize that problems are part of life, and it is something that a couple can't run away from. 

I made myself believe that I'm ready to be committed and be in a relationship. Now the question is, am I really ready?

"The problem really is me, Jen." 

"Seulgi's not gonna agree." she softly chuckled. "Eh anong plano mong gawin?" 

"I don't know.. maybe wait until she messages me?" 

"Girl, ibaba mo naman ang pride mo." umikot ang mata niya. "Pano kung iniintay niya din na mag-message ka? Wala kayong magagawa kung maghi-hintayan lang kayo dyan!" 

Natawa ako. "Sabi ko nga, I'll message her." 

"Mabuti pa."

I heard Chaeyoung's voice from the background at napalingon si Jennie dahil doon. She's still in her room dahil tinawagan ko nga. Lunch time na pala sa Australia. 

"I gotta go, Rene. Mum is calling us for lunch."

Tumango ako. "Damn, the accent is so y!" 

"Silly." umiling siya at natawa din kasabay ko. "Fix that, 'kay? Have faith in Seulgi. Kapag hindi, I'll tell her myself to leave you and find someone better."

"Ouch!" I tried to sound hurt and offended, kahit hindi iyon evident sa facial expression ko. 

"I am serious, mate. Sige na. naririnig ko na high note ni Chaeng!" 

I chuckled. "Okay. Please say hello to your family for me!" 

Nawala ang ngiti ko nang mag-itim na ang phone ko. 

I wanted to ponder on the things I heard from Jennie. Her advice is always helping me make the right decisions, especially when I really am lost. 

Yes, at times I will only listen to myself and not consider other people's opinions about a certain matter. Pero iba kapag si Jennie na ang nakakausap ko. She's not sugarcoating things. Ang mga bagay na hindi masabi sa akin ng iba, siya lang ang nakakapag sabi sa akin. Prangka siya, but in a nice way. 

Kinuha ko na ulit ang cellphone ko at binuksan ang isang messaging app. Seulgi hasn't texted me, yet. Hindi pa din siya online. Pero gaya ng sabi ni Jennie, I shouldn't trust anyone else, but Seulgi. 

Bakit nga ulit siya umuwi sa California? 

Ah, kasi kailangan siya para sa kasal ng Kuya niya, at para magkaroon na din siya ng vaccine against covid. Iyon lang. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit siya umalis. 

Nag-type na ako ng message para sa kaniya, to let her know that I am alright and that I will be waiting until she's not busy anymore. Sinend ko na din agad iyon pagkatapos ma-compose.

Papasok na sana ako sa banyo to get changed, dahil naka-sleep wear pa ako. Pero napabalik ako agad sa desk ko nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. Nag-reply na yata si Seulgi. 

Telegram 

Bubu Bear 🐻💛

Hey

Goodmorning..

You awake? 

Parang gusto kong umiyak at sumigaw dahil sa kilig! 

Magta-type na sana ako ng reply pero nakita kong hindi pa siya tapos kaya inintay ko muna ang message niya. 

Bubu Bear 🐻💛

I'm sorry for only messaging you now

Can I call? 

I miss you so much :( 

Hindi ko na napigilan ang kilig ko. Tuluyan akong tumili, pero hindi ganoon kalakas dahil baka kung ano ang isipin ng mga kapitbahay ko! 

Ako na din mismo ang tumawag kay Seulgi. Wala nang arte arte. Hindi pa ako naghihilamos o nagpapalit ng damit. 

"Hey.." nakangiting bungad niya na agad sinagot ang tawag ko. "I was just about to call you but, oh well. We have telepathic minds."

Ah, every damn time, this girl never fails to make me realize that I am lucky to have her as my girlfriend, and my bestfriend. 

Sandali pa lang kaming hindi nagkita, akala mo'y ilang taon na dahil sa pagka-miss ko sa kaniya. 

"So.. you called last time?" itinagilid ko ang ulo ko dahil sa tanong niya. Kailan ang tinutukoy niya? "Last night." 

"I.. called?" tanong ko pa ulit. 

"Mom said you did." kumunot agad ang noo ko. 

Ang pagkaka-alam ko, it was Sunmi who answered her phone, and not Tita. Ano ang sinasabi nito ngayon?

"Well, I think Mom saw what Sunmi did." she sighed. "Ano ang sinabi sa iyo ni Sunmi?" 

Nalaglag ang panga ko. It's like I was worried for nothing! 

Paranoid ako dahil sa sinabi ni Sunmi na hindi registered ang number ko sa phone ni Seulgi. Pero ito ngayon ang sinasabi ng girlfriend ko na nakita pala ni Tita ang nangyari! 

"She said you were in the bathroom.." I lied, dahil wala namang sinabi na ganoon si Sunmi. 

"I was. But you didn't call after that?" 

Umiling ako. "I thought that maybe you were busy." 

"Busy ako, but you know I can always make time for you, right?" Seulgi sighed. "Nahuli ni Mom si Sunmi, hawak ang phone ko. She said she was about to delete the call log from the history of my phone, para hindi ko makita na tumawag ka. Mom saw her and stopped her from doing that." 

Totoo naman pala, ang sinabi ni Jennie na baka delusional ang babae na iyon. So after all, she tried pulling a stunt and even wrote a script for that? Muntik pa akong maniwala sa sinabi niya na iyon! 

"I'm sorry, I just didn't have the time to return your call. Today was too hectic." tumango ako sa sinabi niya. "I was called in the emergency board meeting sa company. I was introduced to the board, as well as Kuya. He will be announced as the new CEO starting on Monday." 

"It's okay, I understand," I reassured her with a smile, dahil talagang apologetic siya sa hindi pagtawag o pagtext man lang sa akin. 

"It's not okay. I made you worry, right?" 

Umiling ako. "Alam ko naman na magiging busy ka. I kind of expected this. Though I did not expect you to be with Sunmi early in the morning." 

Napapikit si Seulgi at nagmura dahil sa sinabi ko. Hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili na banggitin iyon. Kung gusto kong mawala ang mga naiisip ko tungkol sa kanilang dalawa, hindi ba tama lang na buksan ko ang topic na ito ngayon?

"May sinabi ba siya sayo? That somehow offended you?"

Tumigil ako para mag-isip ng malalim. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin kay Seul. The fact that her ex introduced herself as her girlfriend, or that my number is not saved on her phone?" 

"That was nothing, 'Ga. Hayaan mo na. Ang mahalaga, kausap na kita ngayon." 

"No. I think she said something, kaya hindi ka nag-call back. or nagtext. Ano ang sinabi ni Sunmi?" 

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko dahil sa tono ni Seulgi. Seryoso na siya ngayon at mukhang determined makakuha ng sagot mula sa akin, so I have no choice but to speak up. 

"Sabi niya.. girlfriend mo daw siya. She asked who I was." natawa ako para pakalmahin siya na ngayon ay parang manununtok na. "And she said that my number was unregistered." 

Para akong mabibingi dahil sa katahimikan na tumagal ng ilang segundo. The next thing I knew, Seulgi was already dialing someone's number on her ipad. At hindi nagtagal bago sagutin iyon ng tinatawagan niya. 

Na nagpa-gulat nanaman sa akin. 

"Sunmi. What did you say to my girlfriend earlier?" natahimik ako sa dire-diretsong sabi na iyon ni Seulgi, as soon as the latter picked up her call. 

"H-huh?"

"Don't play dumb. Mom has already told me that it was you who picked up the call when my girlfriend called earlier." 

"Oh.. that was your girlfriend? I didn't know." 

Hindi ako fan ng mga gulo, pero nagpantig ang tainga ko dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. She really is playing dumb, and she's not even apologetic! 

"What did you tell her?" 

"Nagsumbong ba sayo?" I heard her hiss. "I didn't say anything to offend her, Seul. Besides, I just tried saving your from a caller I didn't know. What if it was a scam?" 

Napapikit si Seulgi dahil sa inis. Pero inilingan ko siya para sabihing tama na, dahil wala naman yata siyang mapapala sa pagkausap niya sa ex niya. 

"Hindi siya nagsumbong. I had my own way of finding out. I didn't like what you did, Sunmi." nakatitig siya sa akin habang sinasabi ang mga salitang ito, "The next time you make an attempt to offend my girlfriend again, forget that we're friends." 

Ibinaba na ni Seulgi ang tawag na iyon habang ako naman ay gulat na gulat sa sinabi niya sa huli. 

She.. declared.. war. 

She was willing to cut her connections with her ex - only for me! 

"That was... unnecessary." 

Asar siyang tumingin sa akin kaya binawi ko ang tingin ko. "Naniwala ka ba sa sinabi niya kanina?" natahimik ako. 

"See? My girlfriend almost believed that I was cheating on her, dahil sa sinabi niya! Mabuti pa nga at binigyan ko pa siya ng pagkakataon." 

"I think she's still into you." 

Umiling siya. "She's hopeful. We had a peaceful breakup. She's still hoping that we could get back together. You know, they say that love is sweeter the second time around?" 

Natawa ako. "She's cheesy." 

"And delusional that is." bumuntong-hininga ulit siya. "I will remove anyone who gets on our way. No free passes for Sunmi." 

Hanga ako, dahil ang dali lang ng lahat para kay Seulgi. She even removed my worry herself, harap-harapan ngayon. 

Nakakaramdam nanaman ako na hindi ko talaga deserve ang tao na ito. She's too good for me. 

"Is my baby still worried?" umiling ako. "Good. Kasi I will fly back home agad agad if you still are." 

"Silly you. I won't let you do that." natatawang sagot ko. 

"Were you able to stop me from coming home to you in the midst of the pandemic?" she smirked. "Hindi, diba? No one can stop me when it comes to you." 

Ah, this girl, really. 

Making me feel like the most loved person in the world. 

And now that we are away from each other, I think it's right that I teach myself to fix my own issues. Because I love this girl, and I don't want to let go of her. She is already so sure of me, she always understands me. Yet, here I am, letting others' opinions get to me because I seem to believe in them more than my girlfriend. 

"Ga?" I softly called. 

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry for doubting you.." 

And slowly, she gave me a reassuring smile, as if telling me that she understands, it's okay, because she loves me.