Ilhoon's POV

 

“Sleep?”

 

It’s 11:54 pm at night.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

I asked.

 

“I am good”

He answered. That’s so cold. I couldn’t stand his coldness. I don’t have a choice but to choose something. What my friend said is right. I need to choose something, brave enough and no regret. One step forward? Or two steps backward? That’s your choice now, Ilhoon.

 

“I am not good. I don’t feel good not talking with you”

 

I saw him typing but no message arrived. I was so nervous as I don’t know what to say next. I was sweating in the middle of freezing weather.

 

“The internet was on the mountain”

 

He replied me.

 

“Having fun there? I was so busy these days”

 

“Kind of”

 

“You look quiet”

 

“I am fine”

 

I didn’t know how to cross the line. I didn’t know how to continue the conversation when he said he was so fine. For the moment, I felt like it’s one-sided love. He was enjoying himself. He can do that, but I can’t.

 

“How do you think of me? Do you feel the things I am feeling right now?”

 

I typed but I deleted.

 

“I am not fine”

 

I deleted again.

 

“It’s good”

 

I finally sent it with smile emoji. I am not really smiling by the way.

 

I remembered what my friend told me. If you didn’t take a step right now, don’t regret later.

 

He continued the conversation about his songs and his favorite signers, so I just followed what he said. I wanted to continue the conversation that I am not fine. I don’t feel good not talking with him. But he didn’t ask why. And then our conversation went to different direction.

 

I am sad. Does he never feel what I feel? I was sitting at my desk spacing out. The music which came into my ear made my heart really really hurt. I hate myself for being like that. How to I say I love you to a guy. How do I confess. That confession can only become when both sides are hurt and serious. When I want to become serious, he isn’t. When he looks kind of serious, I didn’t realize. It was always a wrong timing.

 

“I gonna sleep”

 

He spoke. It’s still super early and it is the time when he never sleeps.

 

“Yes, have a good night”

 

I let him sleep. I didn’t want to look clingy. Actually, I didn’t want to disturb him. I didn’t want him to stop from what he wants to do since I know him well. He never likes when someone stops him. He is stubborn guy who hate when someone stops him from doing things.

 

That night just ended like that. When I talked to my friend about it, he is mad. He is mad that I am not brave enough.

 

But he is being weird, or I just think he is.

 

Hyung suggested me to watch the anime he really likes. It’s “5 centimeter per second.” That animation is about the long-lasting love between the two persons who become apart. Even though they are in distance, they keep contacting each other with letters, message. He even tried to go back to her place by riding train for several hours. He couldn’t find another love because of her.

 

“That movie is so touch. I even thought about it after watching. It is not realistic. How can two persons still keep in touch with message after years of being apart. Is it possible that they can’t even date with others and that girl is still in her mind for so long? Maybe it is because they both love each other”

 

That movie…that movie is look like our relationship. Actually, it showed the love between two persons even though they are in long distance. My heart hurt so bad when I was watching that movie. I even shedded tear while watching. The long distance…the mileages…. the dumb me…stubborn him…and the wrong timing.

 

“Why isn’t it possible?”

 

I asked.

 

“Even they are talking a lot, is it possible that they have that kind of same feeling for each other? After many years of being apart? When they were apart, they were still too young. And they are not even in relationship. The guy never take action. Just talking and they both fall in love? Maybe because it is in the movie”

 

His words…I don’t know what it means but it hit me hard. It really hit me. What do you mean by that? What do you mean by not possible? You mean we are not possible? You want me to stop? Or you want me to continue? Take action? I couldn’t think of it.

 

I was just staring at the phone reading this conversation again and again, but my mind is just blank.

 

This is the right time, Ilhoon. He is being serious? Talk about the long distance and texting.

 

“It can be that they do talk a lot because they love each other, not because they fall in love for talking each other a lot”

 

But I deleted.

 

“I do talk to you because I love you”

 

I deleted again.

 

“Hahaha…movie is just a movie”

 

I sent it. I really hate myself for it. We laughed (I am not sure if we are really laughing or not). Then conversation went to normal, and it called a night. He slept early again.

 

I feel like I should give you a space. Maybe we should really take a distance from each other? I don’t know if you want me to continue and take action or want me to stop it because my actions are kind of obvious lately that I like you.