Ilhoon’s POV

 

Thinking back about how I broke up with my first girlfriend made me smile. I smiled wider when I think about my last relationship. It’s funnier. I chose someone which isn’t mine. Then I think about my current situation.

 

“NO word”

 

I mumbled myself as laughed. Sungjae said I am hard to understand. Actually, I am not. I only have one person in my mind. I’ve always been looking up that one person for 8 years even though I may fall in love with others. It can be right? Who would wait for someone who doesn’t care about you? I didn’t wait but I didn’t go away. I am just standing there as a place you can come back whenever you’re tired. Actually, it’s not coming back, it’s just somewhere you can rest. My love for him is so pure that I am just happy with the fact that I love him, and I want to make him happy.

 

He may not know all of these since I never show them. For me, I showed them a lot, but I wasn’t sure he knows it or not since I am kind of stuck at showing my expression.

 

That time my phone rang as I picked up. It was Yook Sungjae.

 

“Hello Sungjae-ah”

 

“Hyung, when will your work done? Don’t pick me up. I will meet you there”

 

“Okay, bro”

 

We have reunion party at one of our friend’s place. Since we are international students our friend is always changing and come and go. Two of our friends who moved to other state came back to visit us, so we got a party.

 

I went back home and changed quickly as I was ready to go party. Among all other friends, I love Sungjae a lot since he is clingy little boy as well as he is so nice to others. He does a lot of things which isn’t his and always busy with other people works. I don’t like that fact so I told him a lot of time that he should focus on himself first before doing errand for others.

 

But I accept the fact that he is nice. He is always the one who planned for the social things like party, reunion and things. He surely has so many things he wants to do.

 

I never care about other people before, but I learned a lot from him. I learned how it feels good to help other people, care the other party and things. I really got family-oriented mind from him and Peniel Hyung. They are so good that they are from another level. More than it should be. And I am only son, so I didn’t know that kind of things. It can also because I am well-trained by Hyunsik Hyung. I was so stubborn and not patient. Now, I changed.

 

For Peniel Hyung, he came from broken family that he has so many stepmothers and siblings from different mom who he didn’t even know. So, no wonder he is family oriented and really love us like his family.

 

I mostly sticked to Peniel Hyung at the party since Sungjae was always busy with other friends.

 

“Shall we play 2-2?”

 

I like playing pools and so do Peniel Hyung. We always play pool together when Sungjae doesn’t really know how to play pool.

 

“Cool”

 

We drank a little while eating some BBQ. That night was so fun. But I still checked my phone from time to time and wondered when he will wake up. But he didn’t text me the whole night. I don’t know if he is sleeping or just doesn’t text to me.

 

I was drunk that night. So drunk that I even vomit at someone else bedroom. Me and Peniel both drunk. He didn’t vomit but he couldn’t walk himself. I was so drunk as well, but I can walk myself after vomit. Sungjae was little drunk too but he still managed to pull off himself and brought both of us home safely.

 

“Ilhoon Hyung, you need to change. Too smelly”

 

He said as he tried to take off my clothes to change but I refused as I was sleeping at the couch of my room. So, he went to Peniel Hyung room as he changed short pants for him. Then he came back to my room with blanket and put it on my body.

 

I woke up at 3am in the morning as I felt so hot. So hot because I drank a lot of alcohol. My body is so smelly with the puke. I can’t even stand myself, so I went to shower at 3 in the morning. I was still little dizzy. I think I will get hangover tomorrow.

 

I checked my phone as he still didn’t send me any message. Where have you been? Are you busy? Don’t even have a second to text me something? Then I giggled myself. Why would he text me every day? Every time he woke up? I don’t know what I am expecting. I don’t know what I want to be. Am I gay now? No, I am not. I just like that one guy. But isn’t it the same? If you like the same gender, it’s gay. No, I am not. I just love him as a brother. But do brothers do what we do?

 

I was so confused myself as I was laying down on my bed with half wet hair, placing my phone on my chest, staring at the bulb on the ceiling. I don’t know I should laugh or smile or cry. Not worth to cry, not worth to laugh. So, I just smile weakly.

 

I am so drunk. I was fine. I was so fine in the past. I was so fine in the past which you didn’t include in my daily life. Now, I can’t imagine my life without you. Having cellphone on my hand without texting you is meaningless. Spending a day without talking to you is heartless. I hate myself for being like that. When will it be over? Will he leave me like how he used to do? But we didn’t close that much in the past. If I attach him that much, he will at least a little attach to me as well, right?

 

I hope so. I believe so. I can feel the love from his words. But I am not sure he loves me or not.

 

For me, this isn’t the fact that I want to hide. I never hide the fact that I love him. I just didn’t know how, and I didn’t know how I want him to be.

 

I fell asleep while thinking.