Ilhoon’s POV

 

The trip was so fun. Consequently, I am so tired. Yes, we both are.

 

“What are we eating for dinner?”

 

We went back a little earlier since we both have work tomorrow.

 

“How about ramen at home? I don’t wanna go anywhere”

 

I suggested as Sungjae agreed.

 

“Let’s save money”

 

We giggled. I checked my phone if Hyung woke up or not. But I am pretty sure, this is his sleeping time. We haven’t talked a lot these days since I am busy having fun on trip.

 

“I miss him”

 

I kept checking my phone as I sent “I am back” when I arrived home. I showered as I had ramen with Sungjae.

 

“I am tired”

 

I mumbled as I lay down on my bed covering with blanket on my body. I was reading back the conversation we had when I was on trip as I smiled. He asked me a lot of things like did I eat, sleep or things.

 

“I wish I could call you”

 

I miss his voice honestly. I miss how he talks with his manly deep voice. I want to hear these words in his voice rather than text. Can I call you, Hyung? I wanna call you like crazy, but I don’t want to make it weird. It’s already weird enough for the two of us chatting like that without title.

 

I wish you could call me and say these things. I want you to restrict me from doing something you don’t really like. Honestly, I want the title. I want to cross the line rather than standing on the line. I may be happy, having fun with my own life but in the end, it’s all you. In the end, I am still looking for the phone to get reply from one person. In the end, I end up looking for the phone talking to my favorite person who I can’t call my lover but he’s not just friend.

 

At first, I didn’t want to be in relationship because I wasn’t so sure about my feeling to him. I like him and love him so much. I have crush on him since we were young, exactly last 8 or 9 years ago. That facts are true. I want to make sure if I am feeling this way because of respect I had on him or I just like who he is. I want to make sure if I just love him as a brother or do I see him as a guy. That’s complicated.

 

As time goes by, I can see my feeling in clear version. I love him as a guy. I want him to be my boyfriend, I would rather say Lover. I know we are busy with our own lives, but I want to talk to you on phone and see you in video call sometimes. I want to say I love you; I miss you and how important you are to me. But it feels weird. A guy saying I love you to another guy. Honestly, I found myself hard to admit that I am gay, may be BI. I honestly want to reveal to the world that I was loved and adored by a person.

 

It’s my side. I am sure it may hard for you too. I know you are straighter than I am so it may be harder for you to accept it. I afraid you would deny me and leave me if I cross the line. The bigger problem is that I don’t know how I cross the line when we are so much comfortable with more than friend thing. How do I mention you that I want to have a title in our relationship?

 

I even asked Sungjae on the way that he answered.

 

“You have to choose one. If you choose to stay how you are right now, then you will feel comfortable with what you are right now and lose romantic feeling as time goes by and will become buddies. But if you choose to confess your feeling and you get deny then you will lose the friendship”

 

I asked him as it’s someone else case.

 

“What will you do if you are at that place?”

 

I asked back.

 

“I would take a risk. I don’t wanna stay in the complicated relationship. If they are like more than friend, it’s 70% chance that that girl like him too. So, I will make sure if she has feeling for me first then take the next steps”

 

I nodded. It’s not easy. Especially for me. I am really really in relationship. What if I make him want to leave me? What if I don’t know how to treat him well? What if I can’t make him happy? If we are just friends, we don’t need to care about these things much. But if lovers, there can be many problems. Will long distance be one of the problems too? I don’t know anymore.

 

Hyung, I wanna cross the line.

 

Hyung, I wanna talk to you on phone.

 

Hyung, I wanna say I love you.

 

Do you feel the same?

 

If you are, can you cross the line first?