세븐틴:  Self- Conflict

 

The next morning, they saw Jeonghan inside the kitchen, preparing for their food. Seungkwan was his assistant before the great master DK came to the kitchen and replaced Jeonghan from cooking.

 

Later on, Mingyu went to help.

 

Mingyu:

(He greeted shyly)

Good morning!

 

Jeonghan:

(Looked at him with a smile; though, it was a little cold)

Good morning!

 

Mingyu pouted as he noticed that Jeonghan wasn’t ready to talk with them still. On the other side, Jeonghan felt ashamed because he thought he was just okay, but somehow, he felt that he’s not ready to talk to them yet. There’s still a little sting and disappointment in his heart.

 

They served their food quietly as they called the others.

 

Seungcheol:

Good morning guys!

(He stopped and looked at Jeonghan with his eyes)

Good morning, Jeonghan.

(He said softly)

 

Jeonghan:

(He smiled faintly but didn’t give him a gaze)

Good morning.

Time to eat.

 

With that very short and straight tone, Seungcheol felt a little heavy and guilty, but he let Jeonghan do what he wanted to do, like what he asked others to do.

 

On the other hand, Wonwoo stopped firmly right in front of Jeonghan with his sharp but underneath it were soft stares. Jeonghan usually looks back, but that time, he didn’t. Before he went to his seat, Wonwoo spoke.

 

Wonwoo:

I hope you are feeling a little better than yesterday.

 

Jeonghan:

Yeah.

Thank you.

 

Wonwoo looked at him gently and never lift his sight off his pretty hyung, but then, Jun’s heavy tap on his shoulders distracted him.

 

Jun:

Move. Let’s eat now.

 

Wonwoo felt so guilty with his sharp words seeing how fragile the person he fired with those rude and inconsiderate words. He took a deep breath before he sat.

 

While eating on their table, unlike the lazy yet noisy people, it’s been very quiet. It was deafening, somehow. It felt so awkward.

 

Wonwoo:

(Killed the dead air)

Sorry.

 

Everyone was surprised. Then, they started apologizing.

 

Jeonghan:

Sorry too.

 

Joshua:

How are you feeling?

 

Jeonghan:

I don’t know.

 

Seungcheol:

Do you want some time, Jeonghan?

 

Jeonghan:

Yes, please.

Thank you.

(He said is a weak and sad tone.)

 

Jeonghan, ever since he went out of the room, never exchanged stares with anybody inside their house, even Seungkwan. He’s avoiding all of them. On the other hand, the boys could feel it.

 

Once again, Jeonghan was acting alone. The boys noticed, but Jeonghan did not.

 

That time, they all became worried up until they finished their activities throughout the day.

 

It’s been as quiet as an abandoned place inside their dorm. Jeonghan asked the boys if he could be alone for a moment. On the other hand, the boys respected his decision. As he wanted, the boys left him alone. They closed the door, but they won’t allow Jeonghan to lock it, so they could rescue him if something happens and that they could monitor him once in a while.

 

While alone inside the room, Jeonghan held his shoulders. It sting still, as well, as his heart. He’s been hurting emotionally and physically.

 

He bit his lips as he took off his shirt to check on his shoulders. He breathed deeply as it really hurts. He found out that the red spots became a big chunk of red patch that already reached his left chest.

 

After finding it out, he called his doctor immediately.

 

Jeonghan:

(With a soft and hurt voice)

Doctor…

My- my whole arm is hurting.

(He started sobbing quietly as he leaned towards the wall for him to keep his stance and to fight his disease.)

It really hurts.

(He started breathing heavily)

Help me.

 

After listening to his plea, Doctor Eric immediately fixed his things and instructed Jeonghan to call s, so they could monitor him.

 

Jeonghan:

Doctor… they… I mean… I cannot do that.

I am going alone.

 

Doctor Eric:

Jeonghan ah, listen. Don’t move. I will be right there.

 

For the first time, Doctor Eric heard Jeonghan hesitated to call s. He knew that something was wrong. Jeonghan was now denying help of s- his most important ones. It was not good in any way. He’s becoming more depressed and frustrated. His life is already threatening him, and he is already running out of time. Doctor Eric thought that he might feeling the pressure already; moreover, he felt that anytime, his patient’s body was about to give up.

 

The next thing he did was call Joshua and tell him that Jeonghan was in pain. Because the boy needed someone to look after him while he’s away.

 

While he was on his way to the boys’ dorm, he prayed that Jeonghan wouldn’t allow fear, anxiety, and depression to conquer him. Otherwise, it would be easier for his sickness to win his body.

 

One moment, Soon Young who was supposed to bring yogurt to Jeonghan, which Mingyu and Chan were about to do too… they found each other in front of the door, and accidentally heard Jeonghan’s ‘I am going alone.’ And became worried.

 

Before the sad human hamster opened the door together with Mingyu and Chan to apologize, Joshua appeared out of the blue and opened the door hurriedly as if he was in a rush.

 

After opening the door, they saw Jeonghan sitting and leaning his head beside the wall. It was painful to watch him holding his arms, biting his lips while crying silently.

 

One thing is for sure, since Jeonghan was sobbing silently, it indicated that he didn’t want any help from them because he’s hurt. He even called Doctor Eric first when he could shout or just call them, since they were all present in the house.

 

Joshua realized, he’s been hurt for a long while, but they failed to notice. Joshua realized that the method they know on how to protect Jeonghan wasn’t protecting him at all, instead, he’s suffering because they imprisoned him with everything. They were restricting him. Moreover, they were asking him a lot, in order to satisfy what they wanted.

 

Seungkwan was right. They were selfish.

 

Not that Jeonghan was not selfish at all, since it was not fair to keep secrets to your lover(s), especially when they put all their efforts to look after you; even if, they were busy and tired. He didn’t know how hurt the others too. However, it was unavoidable. What could he possibly do? He’s confused. He probably thought that it was the best way, like what the others think.

 

Joshua:

Jeonghan-ah!

 

He rushed immediately to the suffering Jeonghan who didn’t want any help from them.

 

Obviously, he’s still hurt that despite his painful expression, his face was scowling in disappointment. His heart wasn’t ready for forgiveness they all wanted to have.

 

They couldn’t blame him.

 

Joshua:

Jeonghan-ah.

 

He rushed towards him and held his hands with a worried expression. However, Jisoo felt Jeonghan’s body tensed, and he knew that the other boy doesn’t want to be touched by any of them.

 

Jeonghan is not in a good condition yet. He felt that he’s being over powered and he’s not free in anything. He felt suffocated, including the people he work with, his parents, and his other friends. He thought that everyone was holding him so tight that he couldn’t go against them.

 

He’s still upset.

 

Meanwhile, the boys who were surprised standing next to the door after witnessing the excruciating scene, ran and helped him. But before they helped Joshua carry him, and what stabbed their hearts was… Jeonghan refused.

 

Jeonghan:

I asked for a time.

Why are you here?

(He said in a firm tone)

 

The boys were surprised. They felt heavy after hearing that Jeonghan didn’t want their presence.

 

That hurt so much.

 

Mingyu:

But hyung, you are in pain.

 

Jeonghan:

It doesn’t matter.

I already called Doctor Eric.

I will be fine.

(He gritted his teeth in a sudden breaking the pain he’s enduring)

 

Soon Young:

But you need us.

 

Jeonghan:

I want to be alone!

 

Joshua:

It’s not good for you.

(With a little scolding tone of voice)

 

Jeonghan:

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Just…

Could you please leave me alone?!

(He breathed heavily)

 

Chan:

You are hurt hyung.

(He became worried as he could see how much suffering Jeonghan was in based on his expression.)

 

Jeonghan:

Please. Just leave before I could utter anymore words to hurt you.

Let me rest alone.

 

Joshua:

This is no good, Jeonghan.

(He scolded)

 

At once, Jeonghan looked at Joshua fiercely for the first time.

 

Jeonghan:

Nothing’s good anyway.

(He cringed his face in annoyance)

 

Joshua and the others were surprised, but the youngest in the hyung line stood firm and aided him; even though, the other didn’t want to.

 

Just then, Jeonghan shouted unintentionally. He didn’t mean to.

 

Jeonghan:

I said, get out!

Leave me alone!

 

It held the boys frozen in their position.

 

Meanwhile, that voice resounded all over the house, enough to call other’s attention, since they were all nearby, waiting for Jeonghan’s call.

 

Seungkwan:

What was that?

(He became worried)

 

Then, they all rushed to where Jeonghan was.

 

Seungcheol:
what’s happening?

(With his large and worried eyes)

 

Joshua:

Nothing.

Can you leave us first alone?

 

Jeonghan:

No. I want you all to leave.

(With a straight tone)

 

In their surprise, it made them stiff and motionless. Some wanted to cry. It was really painful to watch everything turn out like that. They didn’t know that it would end up like where they were right now. Jeonghan felt hateful, on the other hand, the boys felt hopeless and unsure.

 

DK:

Hyung, I thought we are okay?

(He asked in confusion)

 

Jeonghan:

I’m sorry DK.

I want my Doctor.

 

Seungkwan cried.

 

Seungkwan:

Hyung.

Hyung…

(The boy sobbed far from Jeonghan)

 

Now, back to where it had begun. It’s Jeonghan against the rest.

 

Joshua respected what Jeonghan wanted. He stood up and backed off. Same as the others; though, they couldn’t leave Jeonghan alone locked inside the room. They stood from a far, making sure that they would look after him.

 

Jeonghan:

The door.

(He asked if they could close the door for him)

 

Seungcheol:

We can’t do that.

(He stayed firm as a leader because he needed to)

We agree to leave you but you can’t close the door, so we can monitor you.

 

Jeonghan was annoyed once again, and it hurt his heart more. He breathed heavily as he couldn’t do anything. His sickness were already slowly conquering him that he couldn’t control himself anymore. He burst out. He was mad. He was angry.

 

Jeonghan:

Fine!

 

The pain didn’t subside yet, but he tried to stand up.

 

Jeonghan:

I am going out.

 

Wonwoo:

You cannot.

(He blocked Jeonghan’s way with his body and his sweet and caring deep toned voice.)

 

Jeonghan:

Can I not do what I want now?

(He looked at Wonwoo fiercely, which Wonwoo didn’t expect at all)

 

Jeonghan was really mad.

 

Jihoon:

You can. But you cannot now, hyung.

Please listen.

 

Jeonghan scoffed.

 

Jeonghan:

I always listen (to all of you), alright? I always do.

Now let me do what I want to do.

 

Sebongs felt guilt and a sting in their poor heart once again. They couldn’t watch everything. They were all hurting. Maybe because they knew exactly what Jeonghan meant- though, he didn’t mean to. It’s just that, his body tells him to release everything. He needed to.

 

Now, they understood why Jeonghan was keeping his pain all the way up until now, that was because it would totally feel like their hearts were torn into pieces- burn into ashes in extent. They felt exhausted.

 

Now they know why Jeonghan couldn’t trust them with his feelings. That was because they were still weak- or maybe immature still to handle these kinds of things.

 

Slowly, the boys’ hearts, including Jeonghan were being pierced by a very sharp arrow.

 

Without any word, the boys parted ways in order for Jeonghan to go out as he wished.

 

Not long after, the door rang. It was Doctor Eric. Jeonghan instructed the boys not to come near the door. That he could open it all by himself.

 

The boys watched him struggle as he walked. He was like that of an angel with his wings totally torn apart. Jeonghan is bleeding internally. He’s hopeless.

 

As he opened the door, Jeonghan asked Doctor Eric to take him somewhere and made him promise that he won’t tell the boys anything.

 

Seeing how Jeonghan ended up like that, he promised and he intended to keep it- for Jeonghan.

 

The young and once healthy Jeonghan was already gone. He’s in misery.

 

As the doctor agreed with his conditions, he took Jeonghan out. He helped him step out of the house carefully because the boy didn’t want to be carried. Jeonghan doesn’t want to look like he’s pitiful and weak.

 

But one thing he didn’t forget, Doctor Eric gave a look of assurance to the boys, telling that they would be fine. And the boys trusted him with all they’ve got.

 

Once they got out, Jeonghan looked at his doctor with his tears falling down his cheeks while keeping his soft and faint smile.

 

Jeonghan:

Thank you for fetching me. Sorry for the trouble.

 

Doctor Eric:

Tell me what happened.

I will always be here for you- I will always be your hyung.

(He smiled)

 

Jeonghan:

I think, I am being too much for them.

(He sighed)

 

Doctor Eric:

Where do you want to go?

I got a car already.

(He joked)

No. actually, I rented it from a friend.

…

And you are open to me, right? Or else I would be worried.

 

Jeonghan:

I just want a fresh air.

Too much tension in the house that I need to put an act.

(He lied as he sat inside the car beside Eric.)

 

Doctor Eric:

(Turning on the engine)

Yeah. You act to cause more trouble and tension.

 

Eric knew that it was Jeonghan’s true feelings, but then, he loves them, so maybe a little tension would let them know each other more.

 

Doctor Eric:

You naughty kid!

Aigoo!

(He sighed)

 

Jeonghan:

You think…

(He breathed heavily)

They will hate me with what I did?

 

Just then, Jeonghan realized that everything he said was really bad and selfish. He thought, that the boys were doing their very best to protect him- for him not to be hurt. But now, he was the one who hurt them.

 

Jeonghan:

I think, I went overboard.

(He bowed his head feeling guilty)

 

Doctor Eric:

You know… they would never get angry at you.

They’re just concerned.

But sometimes, telling them what’s inside you, even though it was very hurtful, it would help you and them to improve your relationship. Like it will make your bond tighter.

But, o well, you have to understand the boundaries, Jeonghan.

(He sighed)

But knowing you all… I think you will fix this immediately.

Can you?

 

Jeonghan:

I will come back home later and talk after I calm myself down and after I have thought of the solution.

(He sighed and began crying again)

I hate myself.

(He murmured)

 

Doctor Eric:

(Looked with a worried feeling)

Lots of people love you, Jeonghan. Even if you are that naughty. Alright?

(He tried to lighten up the mood)

 

Jeonghan:

Yeah.

I know.

(He continued sobbing.)

I love all of them.

I hate myself for hurting them this bad.

Doctor Eric, can you do me a favour?

Again.

(He giggled painfully while crying thinking that Doctor Eric had done a lot of favour already)

 

Doctor Eric:

Anything.

 

Jeonghan:

Can you buy me an ice cream?

And… listen to me the whole night?

I have a lot to tell you.

Especially when I stopped writing my journal.

Sorry.

And I need counselling. You are the only one I can trust with my problems and concerns.

 

Doctor Eric:

Sure.

And you know. I didn’t notice that you are not submitting journals anymore. Now that you reminded me… you need scolding.

 

The boy was surprised that Doctor Eric had forgotten what he always asks- and now that he noticed that he didn’t really asked or forced him to make his journals… he became curious.

 

Jeonghan:

And why so?

 

Doctor:

Every week. I have to check 12 notebooks.

 

Jeonghan:

From new patients?

 

Doctor Eric:

(He giggled)

Yeah. I think so.

Half half.

 

Jeonghan:

Huh?

 

Doctor Eric:

Those notebooks are from my new patients… Seungcheol, Joshua, Jun, Soon Young, Wonwoo, Jihoon, Minghao, Mingyu, DK, Seungkwan, Vernon, and Chan. All were passing me journals.

 

Jeonghan;

For?

 

Doctor Eric:

Your daily activities and what they noticed about you.

Aigoo. I’m like checking middle schooler’s homework’s. But that helped me improve my Korean vocabulary.

But I am telling you… I almost give up, just that I couldn’t disregard all their efforts. They even tried hard to write English. And they were all cute!

 

Jeonghan was surprised and it made his heart melt. He didn’t know that the boys were doing such a responsibility. He felt soooo guilty and that made him sad.

 

Jeonghan:

I know.

(The boy smiled faintly)

 

A moment of silence.

 

Jeonghan:

I told you… nothing can describe how much we love each other.

(He sighed as he remembered his brutality just a few minutes ago)

But I have to train them to let me go.

(He smiled bitterly)

 

Upon hearing those words, Doctor Eric became sad.

 

Doctor Eric:

Jeonghan…

 

Jeonghan:

Don’t you dare judge me, hyung!

I am doing this- and hoping that it would be the best for everyone.

 

Doctor Eric:

I want to hit you now, you know.

 

Jeonghan:

I will let you after my sickness subsided.

(He smiled bitterly again)

Let’s calm me down first, hyung.

Thank you for everything.

 

 

Doctor Eric:

Don’t you dare die down on me!

(He scoffed cutely. Guess, everyone is learning how to do an aegyo when they go to Korea)

 

Jeonghan:

Cut the drama.

(He laughed)

I will not.

Maybe you will follow me immediately because if you bring me home dead to that house, you are dead as well because they will beat you up.

(He giggled)

Don’t worry.

I can skip the death for now.

Damn this sickness… this is giving me too much stress!

 

Doctor Eric:

I hope I can get you back your wings.

 

Jeonghan:

Don’t be so poetic at this time of the night, hyung. Gosh!

I’m cringing.

 

Doctor Eric:

(Was relieved that Jeonghan was somehow recovering mentally)

Then why start it?!

(He scolded)

 

Jeonghan:

Guess you are right.

(He smiled, although with a worried eyes, hoping that his boys were not sulking around the house making the house a swimming pool)

I hope they are just doing fine.

(He sighed)

 

Doctor Eric:

Hey, are you their mom leaving her kids at home while leaving for work?

(He teased)

 

Jeonghan:

Yeah.

(He giggled)

 

Doctor Eric:

Don’t force it. (Jeonghan’s laugh)

 

Jeonghan:

I am not. I am still worried, but I think I am calming down already.

Please bring me back home later too, hyung.

Thank you so much!

 

Doctor Eric:

That’s my duty, you naughty boy!

Fix your problem.

 

Jeonghan:

Aye aye! Immediately, sir!

(He salute)

I miss them already.

(He murmured after a moment of silence despite the music being played inside the car)

 

Doctor Eric:

Let’s go home now?

(He teased)

 

Jeonghan scoffed cutely at him.

 

Jeonghan:

We just left! Tsk!

 

Eric laughed and found him cute.

 

Doctor Eric:

I must return you back in good condition.

 

Jeonghan:

What now? Will you repair me?

 

Doctor Eric:

I hope the ice cream does a little restoration.

(He smiled)

 

Jeonghan:

(He smiled back)

It will.

(He giggled)

Thank you