"Bring your umbrella tomorrow okay? They said it's gonna rain a lot. I don't want you getting rained on or hurt. I'm not there now and it's been crazy here. Don't frown, okay?! You'll age for like 10 years then you'll look like a 43 years old lady."

 

 

The soft teasing voice was heard as the voicemail played. The raven haired girl listened to it as she took a swig of water.  She smiled lightly and put the glass down.

 

 

"Call me or leave me a message when you can. Don't forget that! I love you."

 

 

Jisoo walked over to the phone and stared at the thick and almost old notebook settled beside it. It was handed to her by Chaeyoung and Lisa. It has a plain black cover. She read the small writings on the bottom.

 

 

 

 

Jennie Kim

 

 

 

 

A name that meant so much. Two words that never mattered to her life more than anything else. A love that she would consider her greatest and yet the worst at the same time. A person who made a mark in her life, her heart and whole being.

 

 

 

Someone unforgettable.

 

 

And yet...

 

 

She chose to forget her.

 

 

 

Her Jennie who can't remember her.

 

 

Her Jennie who couldn't even remember and answer why, how and what.

 

 

Her Jennie, who at the last time they saw each other, broke her heart into pieces.

 

 

 

 

She opened the what seemed to be a diary that held indefinite entries. Indefinite stories and nonsense. All but for one person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Property by no one's Jennie Kim. (Therefore... Don't read this, !) You don't own this and no one can own me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met someone today. She looks like a typical girl but she doesn't act that way. Maybe I'll meet her everyday. She asked to be my friend but I don't know what to say.

 

 

 

 

She said her name is Kim Jisoo. I don't know why I'm feeling poetic when I think of her. Maybe it's because she's the one giving me a different feel from others. I don't like her as a friend. But she can pass up as a human being to me. That says a lot. Ugh. I think I'm gonna smoke now. I don't know what I'm doing with this when I have to deal with my damned father and hysterical mother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

Today, she offered me her handmade lunch. I didn't eat breakfast so it became my brunch. After tasting it, I had a hunch. She'll have to force me next time to get food from her bunch. It was terrible. The eggroll was salty and the rice was half cooked. I can even make out a flaw from everything in that pink and cutesy lunchbox. The soup was nice though. It was seaweed soup. I was on the verge of asking who had a birthday. I didn't get a chance. She served me the soup and I felt warm. I had forgotten that it was January 16 today. It usually doesn't mean much and it feels cold just like every year. But I felt warm. Damn. I'm gonna be disgusted at myself if I ever say this again so I'm gonna write it down. For the first time, I'm so happy I was born alive. What the . This . Damn it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the hell? She's still simple and little. Why do I ing think that she looks well? No. My heart's not that swell. I want to compliment her like how others do so easily. But I don't want to be one of those people trailing like yapping dogs behind her. So I avoided her the whole day. Why did she look so angry? As if I am her friend. As if I mattered so much to her. As if she likes me. Wait. Cross that out. She did say something like that. "Kim Jennie, of all the things you can do... Is being speechless the only thing you can think of now?" I told her I don't know what to say. I left her in that room. I don't turn back to things and people I left behind. It's only an annoying bother. Maybe it was wrong to look back. Because I felt angry seeing her. Not at her but at me. More so than usual. Who am I to her that I can make someone as precious as her cry like that? this .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can sink all the other ships I can sing all the other songs I can think of all the other things But can I link myself with you for days? . That did not rhyme. I at least try to make it rhyme. Am I so intoxicated that I can't think straight. I'm sleepy. Can you sleep with me? Or at least stay with me? I don't I really I what the actual I like being drunk. It makes me not care about things that I do. So why am I thinking of the kiss I forcefully gave you earlier? Whydidn'tyoupushmeaway?Ideservetheslapkimjisoo. Iclearlydonotneedyoutopullmecloserandkeepmeatarmslength

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

You're like a riddle. You're someone I don't want to meddle. But in your world full of good blessings and ugly things, I want to be in the middle. I'm not enough but, to you, I can be an obedient cattle. I don't know how to do relationships. They said it's as simple as loving people as you love yourself. I don't want to love you like that. I can't remember the last time I love myself. . This is so dramatic. I wonder if you'll break up with me if you read this. I don't want to love you like I love myself. You deserve more than that, Jisoo. I don't know how and I ing have no idea but... I'll love you like I've never loved anyone before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do my own thing and you always worry. I should feel angry. It's like I always have to be sorry. I don't like it but it's not a burden to carry. You reprimanded me when you heard me cuss and curse uncontrollably. You had a disappointed face. I stopped cursing and cussing. You widened your eyes and took away what I see as my stress relieving stick. I stopped smoking. You caught me when I was high and you scolded me. I think my ears would get damaged more than my brain so... I stopped drugging myself. You became so angry one time and demanded me if I have occasional with someone. Geez. I might be a lot of things and did a lot of those before but... How can I do that when even talking to other people feels like cheating on you? How can I do that when touching someone is like a sin to you? How can I do that when being with you is all that I can think of?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*  *  *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is it about ? Like it was something so easy to do even with your ex? I hate irresponsible people and those who act stupid Then, later on, will blame it on Cupid. It wasn't easy getting there. It was nerve wrecking and ground breaking as if it was my first time. I'm not a man but I'll take responsibility for you. Sure, I can be crazy stupid a lot of times and even for you. But, I won't blame it to Cupid. I'm not sure but I don't think a mere heart arrow can make me feel like this towards you and only you. Can you sleep well tonight? Too bad, I won't be there to cling onto you. I hope you stay warm. Can you think of me when you dream? I think I'll like that if we didn't see each other in dream land. Can you say you love me again? I want to hear it just like how you repeated it again and again to me last night. Just so you know... I really love you, Kim Jisoo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jisoo stopped reading and she can recall the past. Poking her head and her heart. She closed her eyes and try to reminisce everything with a small and unsure smile.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Jennie, how much do you love me?"

 

"I just love you."

 

"Yah. Won't you at least explain why? You always reply by saying 'I don't know what to say.'"

 

"If you can measure the height of the mountains and the vastness of the ocean then that would be--"

 

"That's hard and it's unknown. Ayeee! Are you really telling me you love me that much?"

 

"Right. It's hard and unknown. That's like my reason for loving you."

 

 

Jisoo squinted her eyes more and more. It's always like this with Jennie. Sometimes she's the most intelligent person in the world and she'd be hard to understand. But sometimes... She'll be so sweet like no one ever has been before.

 

 

"You can't measure it and you can't possibly know why. But it's there. It exists. You can't just give an exact answer."

 

 

Jisoo smiled widely. She asked for it but she always can't get over those tingling feelings every time she hears it.

 

 

"But you love me, right?"

 

Jennie nodded with a blooming smile on her face. "I love you."

 

"I love you too, Jennie."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=  =  =

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Let's have a huge and perfect house. I'd like that to be our comfortable home."

 

"A structure like that don't exist, Jisoo."

 

 

Jisoo pouted and turned her back on Jennie. The other girl has always been pessimistic but can't she just let it go for the sake of their third anniversary? She felt the younger one giving her a backhug and settling her chin on her shoulder.

 

 

 

"But I'll live with you. You're my home, Jisoo."

 

 

 

It should be a cheesy line coming from anyone but that wasn't the case. Jennie grew in an abusive domestic house. Yes, house. Because that place where she used to live with her parents wasn't considered as her home.

 

 

Jisoo tilted her head and she blushed as Jennie gave her that smile she has stucked on her head since the first time she saw it. She thought to herself...

 

 

 

 

How can such a complete and beautiful smile be seen from a perfectly broken person like Jennie?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=  =  =

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What are you doing, Jendeukie?"

 

 

The brunette was tickling a stray dirty dog. It must have been one of those expensive dogs yet it now looked so dirty and abandoned. It can pass up as a stray and maybe it already is. For a long time at that.

 

 

"It's sad how people tend to forget lives that matter too." It looked like the dog was tamed by her already.

 

"Are you going to feed it then send it to the veterinarian?" Jisoo asked as the latter picked up the dog, seeing that it kept following her since earlier.

 

"Do you mind if I take it home? He won't leave me alone. I think I should keep those that want to stay with me."

 

"Yah. Am I not enough?" Jisoo playfully pouted.

 

"You are." Jennie smiled and caressed the once exquisite fur. "Who knows? You might leave me but he'll be the only one by my side."

 

 

It sounded like a joke. To Jisoo, it is. Jennie always says it but then assuring her was also possible. She didn't pay attention to it but she stopped walking.

 

 

"I'll call him Kai. Come on, Jisoo, let's go home."

 

 

 

She shook her head and clung onto Jennie. Yes. As long as home is with her... Everything's alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=  =  =

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You are my love. Because I love you. You're like a dove. Because I want you." Jennie read with a soft chuckle. "I think the words I'm looking for is... 'Thanks for the effort?'"

 

"Do you know how hard it is to make poems? You have to rhyme and the word count should be the same!" Jisoo took the piece of paper from Jennie and tried to find the proper light since she was lying down on the latter's lap. "Let me see what you put in here. Are you that good with words? Huh?!"

 

"It can be a free verse and it'll still be a poem." Jennie laughed and ran her fingers through the other girl's hair. The girl was now staring at the paper. "It's not much. I don't follow any word or syllable count. I just tend to rhyme it most of the time. But... It's nothing really."

 

"I know you won't bite. I love you with all my might. Not only because you're the one in sight. But because you're my light." Jisoo read aloud and her heart thumped louder on her chest. "Are you being romantic or--"

 

"Being honest? What do you think?"

 

"I think you're lying because I bite--" Jisoo sat up and kissed Jennie taking her by surprise when she really bit her bottom lip. "Quite hard at that."

 

"Wow." Jennie said with a smile before leaning in for another kiss and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's waist.

 

 

They were silent as they took time to enjoy the feeling of one's lips on hers.

 

 

"But... I actually think you're romantic when you don't care where and when we act like this."

 

 

 

They kissed a few times more in that park with almost only the two of them since the clouds looked heavier and the sky was already dark for the night. Once the brunette felt water dropping on their heads, she pulled away and stood up. She told the other girl that they should pack up and take shelter. Her companion resisted but she pulled her along and ran towards the silent road.

 

Jisoo stopped and opened her arms wide, gaining Jennie's undivided attention. She turned in a small circle and welcomed the rain.

 

 

"Jisoo, what are you doing?!"

 

Jisoo did a fake curtsy and reached out her hand to Jennie. "I am going to dance under the rain with the most beautiful and lovely person I've seen in my entire life."

 

"Jisoo, look--!"

 

"Just this once. Please? It can be symbolical to us." She walked closer to Jennie and extended her hand more. "Come on! For me?"

 

 

She couldn't say no. It will always be yes. If Jisoo wants it, Jennie would always give her a yes for her answer.

 

 

They held hands and they started with a cheery dance. They heard the thunder but they only ignored it. Melodic laughs filled the loud empty road with the heavy rain hitting their clothes. They didn't know how it happened but they ended up with a slow waltz with their bodies pressed to each other.

 

 

"Promise me this is forever."

 

"There's no forever, Jisoo."

 

 

A silence.

 

 

"Then at least tell me that you'll always be there for me."

 

"I will be." Jennie whispered to her ears. "Even if you leave me."

 

 

Jisoo pulled away and stared to her favorite chocolate brown orbs. It must have been the rain but Jennie's eyes said more. "Why do you keep saying that? I'll never leave you, Jennie. Haven't I said that before?!"

 

"I know but I can't help it. What if what we have now will only turn into memories?! What if the us now will exist only in that in the future?"

 

"I want you to listen to me and stick it to your brain and to your heart if you forget it." Jisoo cupped Jennie's face, voices louder because of the rain. "From now on, when you see this kind of rain pouring down, I want you to think of this moment. This moment when I say, I'll never leave you no matter what! I'll stay with you even if we get flooded with tears in the future. Jennie, I will go to you instead of running the other way! If you forget this... I'll make you remember it again and again in every possible way."

 

 

They didn't know why they were crying as much as they were. They embraced in solace. Their only comfort was each other's presence.

 

 

"I love you, Jennie. Nothing's gonna change that."

 

"Nothing's gonna change that." Jennie repeated and nodded her head. "I love you, Jisoo."

 

 

She pulled her in for a kiss. Sealing those words as if they were their vows. They hoped it won't be broken.

 

 

 

Yes. They hoped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=  =  =

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Did you just use my tablet as your chopping board?" Jisoo asked and Jennie only looked up at her with a blank face.

 

"I don't really-- What the hell are you saying?"

 

Jisoo raised her eyebrows. She glanced at the gadget and became infuriated when there's a huge crack on the screen. "Well, you might want to think more about it, Jennie. Seriously! It's like you've been out of the world lately. What's happening with you?"

 

"I don't fu--"

 

"You didn't turn off the stove the whole day last time. Thank God, you didn't burn the apartment! I found you in our old campus, wandering around, when we're suppose to meet and you stood me up! You keep writing and writing and I don't even know if you're taking down everything I'm telling you as if I'm a boring subject in class!" Jisoo said frustratedly. "Seriously! What the heck is going on with you?!"

 

 

Jennie blinked a couple of times before saying something. Her face became that of an outraged person.

 

 

"Who the are you to scream at me?" Jisoo widened her eyes. She thought Jennie wasn't cursing and cussing anymore yet she is now. She was about to scream at her but Jennie continued speaking with her eyes squinted. "I don't even know you. Why are you ing scolding me when I ing don't care--"

 

"Oh my God! Are you seriously saying that?! Who are you?!"

 

"I'm Jennie Kim! And who are you, you ?!"

 

 

Jisoo scoffed and tears started pooling around her eyes. Harsh words were coming out of her lover again and this time... It was intended for her.

 

 

"What happened to you?! Are you drugging yourself again?! Tell me, Jennie, what have you be