pairing: BaekChen
length: 2546 words

The change happened so gradually that Jongdae almost didn’t notice it was occurring.

He wasn’t sure if he should pinpoint the beginning when Baekhyun got into a fight with his roommate.

He wasn’t sure if he should pinpoint the beginning when Baekhyun wasn’t able to mask his exhaustion as easily and bright smiles became rarer as the days passed.

He wasn’t sure if he should pinpoint the beginning when Baekhyun started crying more often and hiding himself away in the library for hours on end without social contact.

In hindsight, Jongdae should have noticed it sooner.

He should have noticed that Baekhyun was becoming skinnier and paler.

He should have noticed that Baekhyun was developing dark circles and eye bags that betrayed how tired he was.

He should have noticed that Baekhyun was quieter and less boisterous around their friends whenever they hung out.

When he stopped receiving messages from Baekhyun, Jongdae had initially written it off as his best friend being busy with schoolwork. After all, whenever they did have their weekly lunch dates, his best friend would gripe about the dozens of assignments he had due each day. His nose would crinkle as he distastefully thought of the essays and reports he had to write for classes he didn’t even enjoy.

And Jongdae could relate to that. Every major had requirements that didn’t necessarily align with each student’s preferences. It was merely a matter of pushing through and bearing with the temporary pain. In any case, it was another example of the general unfairness of life itself. People would always be forced to do something in their life that they felt uncomfortable with, that they absolutely loathed, or that they just simply didn’t want to do.

When the radio silence from Baekhyun continued and he became more evasive whenever they hung out, Jongdae became desperate to know what was wrong.

It couldn’t be healthy for Baekhyun to shut himself in his room without talking to anyone for days on end.

It couldn’t be healthy for Baekhyun to skip meals and basically starve himself while citing that he just wasn’t hungry or had no appetite that day.

It couldn’t be healthy for Baekhyun to walk around campus, withdrawn and hunched as his world consisted only of music that was loud enough to make him deaf.

So Jongdae stopped passively standing to the side and waiting for Baekhyun to come to him.

He stopped observing the lack of food on Baekhyun’s plate whenever they ate lunch together.

He stopped sending Baekhyun messages and hoping for a response that would never be sent back.

In short, Jongdae gave up on Baekhyun.

--

Night had fallen, and most students were shuffling out of the library for an evening filled with partying and alcohol with friends. It was Friday night, which was prime time for students to cast away their academic responsibilities and unwind before they would be forced to return to the reality of studying for exams or working on projects. One by one, two by two, group by group, people began packing up their belongings and laughing happily as they exited the quiet building where they had felt like caged birds.

So it was strange that a short, skinny boy was trudging up the steps to the library with his backpack on hand while everyone else was streaming out of the place. But he ignored the questioning glances thrown  his way and continued forth with only one goal in mind. Everyone else’s thoughts and opinions were insignificant to him.

The student volunteer at the front desk glanced up at him when he showed off his student ID card before waving the boy inside and returning to her own textbook. After he stowed away his student ID card into his wallet, which he slipped back into his front jeans pocket, he walked down the steps to the basement of the library where the large study rooms were located. He walked with conviction towards the study room at the right end of the spacious basement. It was tucked in the corner, seemingly hidden and forgotten but always available for anyone who had the eyes to see it.

It was relatively cozy, but there was still enough space for a couch as well as a large screen that laptops could connect with through an HDMI cord. There was a desk with outlets underneath that took up more than half the room’s length, and a whiteboard and a chalkboard on opposing walls. At the far side of the table, near the large screen, was another short, skinny boy whose eyes were glued to his laptop screen while his fingers flew over the keyboard.

But when the door opened and clanged against the wall, the boy jumped in his seat and looked fearfully at who had arrived suddenly. “What—what are you doing here?”

“That’s what I’d like to ask you.”

“I…I didn’t want to be in my apartment.”

Jongdae walked over to sit at the other side of the table and shrugged his backpack onto the floor. “Baekhyun, you’ve been ignoring and avoiding everyone for weeks now. Months even!”

He just looked away uncomfortably and his arms grew tense as they froze in midair, his hands hovering over his laptop’s keyboard.

“Please look at me,” Jongdae begged. But Baekhyun continued avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know why you’re doing this and honestly, it’s really upsetting.”

“I’ve—I’ve just been really stressed out lately,” he answered quietly.

“But that can’t be the reason why you’ve basically become a recluse,” Jongdae countered.

“Well, what if it is?” Baekhyun retorted hotly as he whipped his head around to stare at the other boy with fire in his eyes.

There was the strong-willed guy who Jongdae was familiar with. His expression softened as his voice became calmer when he responded, “You know you can always depend on me, right? I’m always here for you, Baekhyun. I’m your best friend.”

“So as my best friend, please respect my wishes and LEAVE ME ALONE.”

God, this was infuriating.

This was absolutely, insufferably, completely exasperating.

Jongdae was done with this.

He was done waiting for something that would never happen.

“I’M NOT DOING THAT!” Jongdae shouted back as he stood up, slamming his hands against the desk. He was thankful that the study rooms were soundproof and that anyone who happened to be studying in neighboring rooms would be unable to hear the shouting match that was currently taking place. The last thing he needed was to be kicked out by the library staff. “I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU!”

“WELL, THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE, SO YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF OUT.” Baekhyun was also standing up with his hands on the table now, mirroring Jongdae’s stance.

“I CARE ABOUT YOU, BAEKHYUN, SO DON’T YOU DARE SHUT ME OUT LIKE THIS.”

“I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU TO CARE ABOUT ME, SO SHOVE OFF, JONGDAE.”

“BUT I DO, SO DEAL WITH IT.”

“I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT THOUGH. I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING ANYMORE. I’M TIRED OF DEALING WITH LIFE, OKAY?” Baekhyun’s breath caught in his throat as he choked out, “I’m so tired of pretending to be someone I’m not in front of everyone. I just want to be left alone, because it’s less exhausting that way.” He bowed his head, unable to look at Jongdae in the eye as he slumped back down in his chair with his eyes closed.

But two seconds later, he opened them in surprise when a pair of thin, yet strong, arms circled around him and pulled him into a crushing hug. “You don’t have to put up a front when you’re with me.” Jongdae held his best friend for another minute before releasing him and sitting down in a nearby chair to give the other boy some space.

Now that they weren’t as emotionally charged as they were before, Baekhyun muttered, “Sorry for yelling at you earlier. I’m actually really glad that you’re here with me.” There was a slight pause before he continued, “I just… I just don’t know what to do.”

Jongdae scooted his chair closer to the other boy and replied softly, “Why don’t you tell me about it? Please. I want to help you.”

Several minutes passed silently before Baekhyun worked up enough courage to speak again. “I’m…so lost nowadays,” he began, his tone hollow and vacant to match the emptiness inside of his heart. “Every day, I wake up and lay in bed, dreading what’s to come. I go to class but I don’t retain anything, because I honestly loathe what I’m learning. I have absolutely no interest in the material, but because I’m required to take them for my major, I have to it up and attend these lectures.

“But for what? Will I even have a career in this field, even though I hate it so much? Will I survive in a job that provides stability, but no happiness? Everyone always says, if your job is your passion, you’ll never have to work a day in your life. But what if I don’t know what I’m passionate about? Sure, I have hobbies, but what’s the balance between a hobby and a passion? And even if I am passionate about my hobbies, enough to pursue them as potential career paths, what if they aren’t feasible or stable enough to support me in the future? How do I reconcile with knowing that I threw away a perfectly stable future for something so uncertain, because I was selfish?

“And the worst part is that I can see myself breaking apart into pieces every day. I can see myself sinking further into this pit of nothingness and insecurity. I can see myself endlessly falling with nothing to grab onto to save myself. It’s like I’m in a bottomless well. Even though I’m climbing up the bricks to haul myself out, it feels like I’m going nowhere. Even with ten, twenty, fifty steps, the sky still looks as unreachable as ever.

“I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know even know who I am.” Baekhyun’s fists curled up on the desk and Jongdae quickly reached over to place his own hands over them. “Here I am, slaving away for a major that I don’t even like and a career path that seems more impossible for me as the days go by. We’re graduating soon, but it seems like everyone has everything figured out while I’m still as lost as ever.”

“Honestly, we all are,” Jongdae murmured as he continued holding onto the other boy. “Even though it may seem like some people are on their destined path, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t obstacles on the road for them. They’ll go through doubts and question themselves, just like you. The world isn’t black and white. Sometimes, it takes a little longer for others to find themselves, to know themselves. It doesn’t mean they’re any less than those who maybe have it figured out a bit sooner.”

“I know. I know that. But it doesn’t make this any easier.” Baekhyun stared blankly at his laptop screen, where his unfinished homework was mockingly beckoning for him to continue with his work. And then his gaze lingered on the open tabs showcasing pictures of beautiful scenery, Wikipedia articles, and itineraries detailing airplane flights. In a low voice, he said, “I want to leave.”

“…What do you mean?”

Baekhyun moved his hand from Jongdae’s grasp to mouse over the windows that were pulled up on his screen next to his homework. There were flights for dozens of places all over the world.

Chicago. San Diego. Los Angeles. New York City. Vancouver. Toronto. Calgary. Cancun. Mexico City. Rio de Janeiro. Paris. London. Belfast. Stockholm. Vienna. Venice. Athens. Rome. Florence. Berlin. Madrid. Barcelona. Moscow. Cape Town. Cairo. Sydney. Melbourne. Auckland. Tokyo. Kyoto. Osaka. Beijing. Shanghai. Changsha. Hong Kong. Taipei. Bangkok. Kuala Lumpur. Jakarta. Singapore.

And dozens more.

Pictures of the cities, lists of places to sight-see, and activities to partake in were all plastered on the screen. While working on his homework, Baekhyun had also been dreaming about travelling and a new city would be researched when he should have been studying instead. It was as if a travel brochure for the entire world was on his laptop.

“There are so many places out there. There are so many things to learn and experience. We only have so much time to live life. I don’t want to waste away without any purpose, doing something that I know I’ll regret in the future. I need to go out and travel the world. I need to know what lies beyond this small bubble I’ve been living in for my entire life. I just need to…to fly freely without anyone judging me or tying me down.” Baekhyun’s voice then held a note of timidity again as he continued, “But what if this is just a fool’s dream? What if I’m just deluding myself into thinking this is what I want? What if,” his voice dropped down to a barely audible whisper, “this is even more wrong than what I’m doing now?”

Baekhyun looked so lost and confused, and it broke Jongdae’s heart to know and finally understand the struggles that his best friend had been silently bearing. How scared and unsure he must have been to keep all of this inside while trying to bravely push forward, so as not to burden anyone else with his problems. But the cracks had begun to show and even though he had tried to tape them up, the insecurities and terror had already leaked through.

So even though he didn’t want to let Baekhyun go, Jongdae decided to cut the string that was tying them together.

Placing a hand on his best friend’s knee, Jongdae said in a serious tone, “You won’t ever find yourself if you don’t allow yourself the chance to. If your heart is telling you to travel the world so you can find out what you’re passionate about and discover what you believe you’re meant to accomplish, then you should do it. Even if it doesn’t end up the way you thought it would, at least you know that you tried.”

Baekhyun silently stared at his laptop screen, an expression of hesitation still painting his features.

“You can do this, Baekhyun. Don’t let the fear chain you down. Everyone goes through self-discovery at some point. Now is your time.”

“I…I have to go alone.”

Jongdae gulped and his shoulders tightened before he slowly nodded, answering in a strong voice that didn’t betray the trembling feeling he felt in his heart, “If that’s what your gut is telling you to do.”

Baekhyun looked at the screen filled with travel information for several seconds before turning to his best friend and suddenly burying his face in Jongdae’s chest. “You meant it when you said that you’re always here for me, right?”

“Of course.”

Baekhyun gripped the sides of Jongdae’s shirt as he mumbled in a strained voice, “And you’ll be here when I come back, right? You’ll wait for me?”

Jongdae bent his head down so that their temples were touching. “Always.”

♈♈♈