pairing: ChenLay
length: 4586 words

He almost tripped over himself and dropped the plate that he had been drying in his haste to pick up his phone, which was ringing loudly on the dining room table. “Hello?”

“Is this Mr. Kim Jongdae?”

“Yes, it is!”

“We’ve found a match. Please come immediately, so we can begin the procedure.”

“Yes, of course! Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ll be there right away!”

“You’re welcome, Mr. Kim. We’ll see you soon.”

Jongdae didn’t know there were tears streaming down his face until the phone call ended and droplets of salty water fell from his pointed chin onto his clenched hands. All he wanted to do was fall to his knees and sob loudly for several minutes, but he knew there was no time to waste. Every single second mattered at this point and he wasn’t going to waste this precious opportunity bestowed upon him by the heavens.

Not in a million years.

--

He paced back and forth in front of the operating theater, his hands wringing behind him as his eyes stared off into space, unfocused. Time was an almost nonexistent concept at this point; he didn’t know how long he had been waiting and he didn’t know how much longer he would have to wait. But he had to stay strong and stay calm, no matter what.

God, this was the hardest thing he had ever done.

To not have control over the situation was the scariest feeling and he didn’t know if he could bear it anymore. Not when everything was at stake.

Even though his calves ached from how much he had mindlessly paced around the room since arriving, Jongdae forced himself to keep walking round and round and round. He couldn’t give up. He wouldn’t.

This negligible discomfort was a small price to pay when bigger battles were currently being fought on the other side of the double metal doors.

As long as he persevered, everything would be okay. It had to be.

--

Finally, finally, the large metal doors of the operating theater opened.

Jongdae rushed over, his eyes bloodshot and his hair in disarray from clutching at it so many times as he waited. “Dr. Do, what’s the status? Was it a success? Is everything okay now?”

The short, owl-eyed surgeon wore a solemn expression as he rolled his stiff shoulders after hunching over the operating table for several hours.

Jongdae’s heart began to sink as his mind jumped to the worst possible outcome, especially since the surgeon was doing nothing to assuage his fears. The surgery had failed and now, the most important person in his life was—

“It was a complete success,” Dr. Do finally answered, a small smile on his face as he nodded to Jongdae. “It took some time to ensure that everything fit properly, but my team and I managed it in the end.”

Jongdae’s eyes suddenly filled with tears as he clasped a hand over his mouth, utterly speechless. After a few moments, he finally managed to choke out, “Can—can I s-see h—”

Dr. Do nodded again. “Nurse Kang will lead you to the ward for post-operation patients. You have a private room and we’ve already cleared you for overnight stay. If there’s anything you need later on, you can ring for assistance and either Nurse Kang or Nurse Bae will answer, depending on their availability at the moment.”

“O-oh my god, thank—thank you, Dr. Do,” Jongdae brokenly said, his voice thick with emotion as he tried to hold back the tears. “Th-thank you so m-much, I—” He had to stop himself as he felt his throat close up and tears began spilling from the corners of his eyes.

The surgeon took a step forward and drew the crying man close to him in a comforting embrace. “Everything is fine now, Mr. Kim,” he said in a low, soothing voice. “The wait is over now.”

Jongdae almost collapsed in Dr. Do’s arms right then and there, but he knew this wasn’t the time. So he forced himself to blink back the rest of his tears as he brushed away the trails of salt that dotted his thin face. Taking a deep breath, he sent the surgeon a watery smile and said, “Okay, I’m ready to go. Thank you so much for everything, Dr. Do. I am indebted for life to you.”

“It’s alright, Mr. Kim. I’m just glad everything worked out in the end.”

“Me too,” Jongdae replied, his voice barely a whisper. “Me too.”

--

Lightly her pale forehead, Jongdae lovingly watched her sleep peacefully. She wasn’t hooked up to dozens of machines as she barely hung on to the thread of life. She wasn’t coughing up a storm, her tiny body wracking with spasms. She wasn’t trying to fight back tears as she put on a brave front, since she didn’t want Jongdae to be sad.

It made Jongdae want to cry even more, because even when she was in so much pain, she was only thinking about him.

“I’ll be back in a moment, princess,” he whispered before dropping a feathery kiss on her smooth forehead. He then stood up and gazed at her some more, his heart about to burst with gratitude and love for this heaven-sent second chance. Jongdae had to force himself to leave, since he knew the receptionist was due to clock out soon and he needed to catch her before she left so that he could ask some questions.

At least things were finally looking up now.

Everything was going to be okay.

--

The door swung open to reveal a grumpy-looking male with large doe-like eyes and fair skin. His light brown hair was sticking out in every direction, since he had clearly neglected to properly brush it, and he was dressed in a black bathrobe with matching black slippers. “Who are you?” he grunted, clearly annoyed at the unexpected visitor.

“Hello, I’m Kim Jongdae. Are you Lu Han?”

The disheveled man narrowed his eyes. “Yes, I am. But why are you here? I don’t know you and you don’t seem to be from around here.”

“I flew here from Korea after I found out you were Zhang Yixing’s roommate when you two were living in Seoul.”

At the mention of his ex-roommate, Lu Han froze and the blood drained out of his face, turning his skin even whiter than it already was. “How—how do you know that name?” he asked in a strangled voice. “Why are you here?” he repeated, slowly backing away from the door. “Wait, you know what, I actually don’t want to know. Leave right now.”

Lu Han began shutting the door, but Jongdae hastily his foot in the entrance to block the door from closing completely as he exclaimed, “Wait! Zhang Yixing saved my daughter’s life!”

“You must be mistaken. Yixing didn’t save any girl’s life,” the taller male spat as he tried to close the door again.

“No, really, he did! He was an organ donor, right?”

Realization then dawned on Lu Han’s face and his shoulders slumped as he tiredly nodded. “That’s what you meant.”

Jongdae nodded as he retreated his aching foot from the doorway, since it seemed like Lu Han wasn’t going to suddenly shut him out again. “I wanted to visit sooner, but I had to stay with my daughter while she was recovering after her surgery. She’s finally healthy enough to the point where I’m not afraid of leaving her side, so I came here to meet you.”

“Why?” But this time, there was no venom in Lu Han’s voice. Just pure exhaustion. His eye bags seemed even puffier and darker, and his face looked extremely gaunt. He was like a living skeleton.

“I—I wanted to talk about Yixing, but if you don’t feel like it, then…”

“No, it’s fine,” Lu Han relented as he opened the door and motioned for Jongdae to step inside. “I have some questions for you as well, so let’s just get this over with.”

--

Despite his grumpy, less-than-positive first impression, Lu Han was kind enough to lead Jongdae to the living room couch and prepare a cup of hot tea for his guest. Jongdae tried not to look around the room, since he knew he hadn’t been welcomed with open arms, so he mostly stared down at the fuzzy brown rug that covered the wooden floor.

When they were both seated, the Chinese male started with his first question. “How did you find out I was Yixing’s roommate?”

“You were listed as Yixing’s guardian when the accident happened. I initially thought you were a relative, but when I talked to your old landlord in Seoul, he told me you two were roommates and that you ended your lease soon after the accident to move back to Beijing.” Jongdae then smiled ruefully. “It was a dead-end after that, since you did a really good job of secluding yourself. I had to scour so many yearbooks and archives to track down some of your previous classmates, and I didn’t get any leads for months until your friend Huang Zitao pointed me in the right direction.”

“It would be stupid Tao and his big mouth,” Lu Han muttered under his breath as he scowled darkly. He then asked in a louder voice, “Why were you so bent on finding me? Most people would just accept that a dead stranger donated their body parts and leave it at that. It’s been more than half a year since Yixing died. You could have just given up at the start.”

“I couldn’t do that,” Jongdae said while shaking his head. “Yixing’s heart saved my daughter’s life. Without it, she would have died within a few weeks.”

Lu Han pursed his lips together at the thought of the grim hypothetical and there was a long pause before he asked, “Was it that bad?”

The Korean male firmly nodded. “She was born prematurely, so she used to have several cardiovascular problems. For a while, things seemed to be okay and she was living a normal life, but her heart started to give out one day and she had to be hospitalized in an emergency unit.” Jongdae’s stomach swirled uneasily as he relived the most horrific period of his life thus far. “There weren’t any compatible hearts that could be surgically swapped with her dying one, even though she was bumped up to the top of the waiting list, and if Yixing’s heart—” Lu Han’s expression noticeably darkened. “—hadn’t arrived when it did, then I probably would have lost her soon after.”

It was silent once again, but it was much more uncomfortable this time.

Jongdae was about to apologize for his insensitivity to Lu Han’s loss when the Chinese male spoke first. “So what do you want to know about Yixing? That’s why you’re here, right?” His voice had lost all color again as he listlessly stared across the room.

“I—I was hoping to learn about why he became an organ donor and what his life goals were,” Jongdae slowly replied, not wanting to further upset his host. “Once Jinhee—that’s my daughter’s name—is back in school and I have more time to myself, I’m planning to start up a non-profit organization in Yixing’s name and it would be nice to align it with his beliefs. It’s the least I can do after he gave my daughter a second chance.”

Lu Han sighed deeply as his right fist gripped a thick handful of his black bathrobe. Just when he thought he could put the past behind him…

“But if you’re not comfortable talking about this, then I can just—”

“Yixing and I were both orphaned as children,” Lu Han abruptly began.

Jongdae’s mouth dropped, since he hadn’t been expecting the other male to reveal anything, much less something as sensitive as this.

If Lu Han happened to be bothered by the Korean male’s reaction, he resolutely ignored it and instead focused his attention on the fireplace mantel that was decorated with empty picture frames. “We both ended up at the same orphanage around the same time—I think I arrived about a month before Yixing did or something like that—and we somehow stuck together.” The corners of his lips just barely turned up as he reminisced about his childhood. “We only had each other, Yixing and I. Everyone else liked picking on us and the orphanage directors weren’t that great about keeping us safe from bullies.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae said quietly.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault those kids were complete tools,” Lu Han said with a snort. “Anyway, we grew up in the orphanage and no one wanted us for some reason. We didn’t really care about being adopted though. We just wanted to move as far away as we could from the place, once we turned eighteen. Even though we hated it at first, we studied as much English as we could, so we could apply to colleges abroad. We both got accepted to Yonsei University in Seoul, which wasn’t our first choice, but colleges in America were a lot harder to get into and more expensive too.”

“Yonsei University is still a great school,” Jongdae couldn’t help but comment.

“Yeah, it ended up being a lot better than what we expected, especially since there’s a decent-sized Chinese student community. We adapted pretty well and after graduation, we both got jobs as translators for big-name companies like Lotte and Samsung. The pay was really good, so we decided to become permanent residents. But—” Lu Han’s voice faltered a bit. “—Yixing’s dream was to eventually be a teacher. He didn’t like the corporate office life and he always made time to volunteer at orphanages or Saturday schools on the weekends.”

“That was really nice of him to do,” Jongdae murmured.

“He was definitely the less jaded one out of us two,” Lu Han admitted with a wry smile. “He started juggling his nine-to-five job with night classes, so he could eventually apply for his teaching license. We were living in a small town, about half an hour away from the main city, because we liked the peace and quiet when we were off the clock.”

Jongdae nodded as he recalled visiting their previous apartment. The area that they had been living in had been quite quaint and the Korean male could easily see himself settling down in a place like that if he were older and didn’t have to worry about providing for his precious family.

“But, one night, Yixing was driving to the main city where his classes were held and a truck hit his car.” By now, Lu Han’s voice was completely emotionless, as if he had become numb after telling this story over and over again. “It basically bulldozed him and if it weren’t for Yixing’s airbag absorbing a good chunk of the shock, he probably would have died on impact.”

The Korean male felt queasy as he listened, but he knew it was probably much harder for Lu Han to recount, so Jongdae kept his mouth shut and tried to mentally chase out the images appearing in his head.

“By the time I got to the hospital, the doctors said he only had a few hours left. Since he had his organ donor card on him, all they could do was take him in for surgery to harvest his organs, but they wanted me to sign off of the surgery, since he was unconscious.” Lu Han’s eyes swirled with tears, but he angrily blinked them away, not wanting to show even the tiniest bit of weakness. “I waited for the last possible moment, hoping he would wake up, but he didn’t and the doctors were pressuring me to quickly make a decision. So I let them do it and that was the last time I ever saw Yixing.”

He sounded so defeated that Jongdae was almost afraid to ask his next question. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said instead, knowing how difficult it was to be the one watching a loved one suffer in the hospital. Jongdae was all too familiar with that feeling.

“I couldn’t not let them have his organs,” the Chinese male said. “Yixing made me promise to be an organ donor with him once we became permanent residents. He didn’t want to forgo the opportunity to help someone else, even if it meant sacrificing his body. So I knew it was what he would have wanted.”

“Thank you for honoring his choice,” Jongdae said while standing up to bow deeply. “It saved my daughter’s life and I will always be grateful to both of you.”

“It’s fine. Please stand up. I’m not the one you should be bowing to. This was all Yixing’s decision.”

“Would… Would it be alright if I paid my respects to him?” Jongdae tentatively asked as he straightened up. “I would like to express my gratitude in person.”

Lu Han was silent again and he didn’t speak for several minutes. Jongdae began worrying that he had accidentally pushed his luck and he was about to take back his request when the Chinese male also stood up. “Give me a moment to change. Then I’ll take you to see him.”

“Thanks, Lu Han. I really appreciate it.”

The Chinese male smiled genuinely at Jongdae for the first time that day as he answered, “Yixing will be happy to see you too.”

--

It was a beautiful spring afternoon with the cherry blossom petals drifting along the breeze before floating to the grassy ground. Several light pink petals adorned the granite stone which was engraved with several characters. Jongdae knelt down and lightly traced the characters with his right pointer finger, feeling every groove and edge. He wanted to imprint these characters in his mind, so he could remember this feeling forever.

“Daddy, where are we?”

He was jolted out of his reverie by the young girl clutching the hem of his light blue, button-up shirt. Seeing her big brown eyes curiously staring up at him, Jongdae knelt down so that he was at eye-level with her. “Princess, remember when Daddy went on a short trip to Beijing while you stayed with Uncle Baekhyun for a few days?”

Jinhee nodded. “I missed you a lot. Uncle Baekhyun was very nice to me though. He let me eat lots of ice cream!”

Jongdae chuckled at his daughter’s response. “I’m glad you had fun with Uncle Baekhyun. He did a good job of taking care of you for Daddy.”

“When will I get to stay over at Uncle Baekhyun’s place again? He promised to watch Zootopia with me. And then we’ll pretend he’s Nick Wilde and I’m Judy Hopps, and we’ll fight crime together!”

“I’ll ask Uncle Baekhyun when he’s free.”

Jinhee cheered loudly. “Thank you, Daddy!”

“Shh, princess, we’re at a very special place,” Jongdae cautioned, moving a finger to his lips to signal that they should be quiet.

“Sorry, Daddy,” his daughter whispered as she mimicked his gesture. “Why do we have to be quiet? And I still don’t know where we are.”

Jongdae moved his finger from his lips and reached over to hug Jinhee to his chest, bending his right leg so she could comfortably sit on his thigh. She circled her thin arms around him and looked at him questioningly again. “Remember when you were in the hospital because your heart hurt so much?”

Jinhee made a face at the unpleasant memory. “I didn’t like it there. The food was yucky and there were no toys for me to play with.”

“I didn’t like it when you were there either, princess. But do you remember Dr. Do? He was the nice man who gave you all of those yummy lollipops, since you were such a good girl.”

“I liked him a lot, Daddy! He gave me a cherry lollipop! I love cherries!”

Jongdae smiled fondly as he lightly threaded his fingers through the ends of her long black hair, gently combing out any tangles. “Well, he helped you get better by giving you a newer, stronger heart.”

“How, Daddy? How did he do that?” she excitedly asked, bouncing on Jongdae’s leg.

He knew she was too young to truly understand what it meant to go through an emergency surgery, so he opted for the next best explanation. “Magic, princess,” the man explained while making flashing motions with his free left hand. “Dr. Do has the power to heal people who are hurt by using his magical hands.”

“Ooh, I want magical hands too, Daddy!”

Jongdae laughed and lightly pinched his daughter’s left cheek. “You’re going to have to go to school for a very long time to get magical hands like Dr. Do’s, princess.”

“That’s okay, Daddy! I like going to school! My teachers say I’m very smart!” she claimed, puffing her chest out in pride.

“Of course you are, princess. You’re the smartest little girl I’ve ever met.” Jongdae’s gaze then traveled to the granite stone again and prickles of pain began stabbing at his heart. Even though he had steeled himself for this explanation, the thought of actually having to verbalize their reason for being in China was almost too daunting. It would be so easy to just stand up and leave the conversation at that. After all, Jinhee wouldn’t really be able to understand the gravity of the situation. Maybe when she was older…

No, it was either now or never.

Jongdae hugged Jinhee even closer and said in a low voice, “Dr. Do was able to give you a new heart because of a very nice man named Zhang Yixing.”

“Who’s that, Daddy? Have I met him before?”

Jongdae shook his head, feeling his throat dry up as he looked down at the granite stone. “Remember when Daddy told you about a place called heaven? How, sometimes, people leave the Earth and their souls travel to heaven for a new life?”

Jinhee nodded again. Seeing how somber her father was, she also spoke in a soft voice. “Did Mr. Yi…yi…yi…”

“Yixing,” Jongdae supplied, half-smiling at his daughter’s attempt to pronounce the difficult name.

“Yixing,” she repeated slowly. “Did he go to heaven?”

“He did, princess.” Jongdae felt himself tearing up and he avoided looking at Jinhee, who was gazing at him in confusion. “Mr. Yixing was a very good man who wanted to save lives like Dr. Do, but in a different way. So before he had to go to heaven, he decided to give up his heart so someone like you who really needed it could have it.” He lightly tapped her chest, just above her heart. “So Mr. Yixing’s heart is here now.”

“Wow…” She looked down at her chest and began poking it, her eyes wide with amazement. “I wish Mr. Yixing didn’t have to go to heaven. Then I could thank him, right, Daddy?”

Jongdae’s thin lips tightened as he looked off into the distance. There was no easy way for him to say that Jinhee would have died instead or that someone else would have had to die, so she could have another chance at life. Even if she were older, more mature, Jongdae didn’t think he could outright explain the situation. Either option was messed up.

Life was cruel.

It was cruel that Jinhee had been born with a weak heart.

It was cruel that Yixing had been taken from this world too soon.

It was cruel that Lu Han had lost his best friend in a foreign country.

It was cruel that Jongdae had lost his wife just days after Jinhee’s birth.

It was cruel that Yixing would never know how important he was, how he had changed Jongdae and Jinhee’s lives, by simply being a good person.

Life was cruel, but Jongdae couldn’t say that out loud.

Especially since life had been kind enough to gift him more time with Jinhee in the end.

All he could do now was live each day with a grateful heart, never take a single moment for granted, and silently thank Zhang Yixing for giving Jinhee another chance.

After taking a deep breath, Jongdae gestured to the granite stone and said, “You can thank him now, princess. This is Mr. Yixing’s resting place.”

“What do you mean, Daddy? I thought you said he was in heaven.”

“He is, princess. But he still has a resting place on Earth. We can gift him food and flowers that he can take with him to heaven, and if we speak with lots of feeling, maybe Mr. Yixing can hear us and he’ll know we care about him.”

“Ooh, let me talk to him, Daddy!” Jinhee clapped loudly, excited at the prospect of being able to “speak” to someone in heaven.

Jongdae hushed her, lightly grasping her hands, as he said, “Not so loud, princess. There are other people resting here and we don’t want to disturb them, okay?”

“Yes, Daddy,” she answered obediently, dropping her voice to a loud whisper.

“Now close your eyes and think very hard about Mr. Yixing,” Jongdae directed while holding Jinhee’s hands together in a praying position. “Think about any words of thanks you want to say to him.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Now go ahead and say them out loud.”

Jinhee closed her eyes and began saying, “Thank you, Mr. Yixing, for giving me your heart! I’m really happy I’m not sick anymore and I don’t have to stay in the icky hospital. I get to stay at home with Daddy, and I play with him and my friends every day. I don’t get tired very fast anymore and I get to eat ice cream on the weekends again! I hope you’re very happy in heaven and I hope Daddy lets me visit you here again!”

Jongdae chuckled at the end of his daughter’s spiel. “Of course we’ll visit Mr. Yixing again, princess. We’ll visit him every year, okay?”

“Yay!” she cheered before squatting to pet the granite stone. “I’ll bring you a nice gift next time, Mr. Yixing! I’ll bring you my favorite flowers! They smell really nice!” She then turned to her father and asked, “Aren’t you going to say anything to Mr. Yixing, Daddy?”

“I am, princess.” Jongdae knelt down and pressed his hands together before softly saying, “Thank you for saving my daughter with your heart, Yixing. I am forever in your debt and I wish life had dealt us different cards so that neither of us would have had to suffer so much. I wish we had met under different circumstances and that we could have become friends, because you sound like an amazing person from what Lu Han told me. I know it might seem weird hearing this from a stranger you never met, but you are an important person to me and I will cherish your memory for the rest of my life. I will make sure Jinhee grows up beautifully and I won’t waste this opportunity you’ve given us.”

Just as he finished speaking, a strong breeze blew around them, causing a thick bunch of cherry blossom petals to swirl and wreathe around the two.

“Daddy, look! The flowers are so pretty!”

Jongdae smiled as he held out his hand and a few petals lightly landed on his palm. “Yes, they are, princess.”

Thank you.

♈♈♈