pairing: BaekChenLay
length: 4079 words
A/N: This is the first time I've written something that has crack elements. Apologies if it isn't amazing. It just kind of went in that direction as I was writing. And I'm aware that the actual Pottermore quiz doesn't have as many questions as I put, since it randomly chooses a few that are in a set. But I thought it'd make more sense to use all of the possible questions, since you'll get the most accurate result that way.

--

Baekhyun almost tripped as he ran into the living room, where Lay and Chen were watching TV. “Guys, guess what? Pottermore brought back the Sorting Hat!”

Chen grabbed the remote and muted the TV as he asked, “And why is that important?”

“We can sort ourselves and see which house we belong in!”

“We aren’t Potterheads like you, Baek,” Chen pointed out. “I mean, yeah, I read all of the books and watched all of the movies, but that was only because you refused to let me in otherwise when I was locked out that one night.” He shivered as he remembered how wet and cold it had been as he pounded his fist on the door, yelling at Baekhyun to hurry up and unlock it.

“Are you still mad about that? That was ages ago.”

Chen chucked the nearest couch cushion he could get his hands on at Baekhyun’s head, answering hotly, “Yes, I’m still not over that! There was a lightning storm that night!”

“Well, your life is better now because of this amazing series,” Baekhyun replied as he threw the cushion back at the youngest male.

“You shut your trap.”

“Let’s humor the kid, Chen,” Lay said, not wanting the argument to prolong any further. “It’s just a harmless Internet quiz he wants us to take. Besides, we were lazing around anyway.”

“Do I get to use your new drone then?” Chen asked hopefully. He had been pushing the oldest male to lend him the drone ever since the wedding videographer had bought it one month ago.

Lay sighed, tiredly rubbing his temples. “Fine, we’ll use it together next weekend. I need to configure it for an upcoming shoot anyway, so I’ll let you play with it then.”

“Can we please get sorted now?” Baekhyun was about to explode with excitement and he didn’t think he could contain himself any longer.

“Fine, let’s do it,” Chen finally relented. He really didn’t want to deal with Baekhyun possibly passing out, because it honestly looked like the fanboy was about to reach that point.

--

The three boys were sprawled on the floor of Baekhyun’s room with their laptops in front of them. The Sorting Hat quiz webpage was pulled up on all of their screens. Baekhyun couldn’t stop squealing and marveling over the website’s new user interface. Chen kicked him several times out of annoyance, but stopped once Lay threatened to retract his promise to let him use the drone.

“Okay, let’s go!” Baekhyun cheered as they simultaneously began the quiz.

1. What is your age?

• Under 18 years old
• 18 to 24 years old
• 25 to 30 years old
• 31 to 40 years old
• 41 to 50 years old
• 51 to 60 years old
• Over 60 years old

All of them chose the 18 to 24 years old option. Baekhyun caught Chen trying to click the Over 60 years old option and kicked him, earning a scolding from Lay as well.

2. What is your gender?

• Male
• Female

All of them chose Male.

“What if we all get the same house?” Chen snickered as he clicked on the Next button. Baekhyun immediately shushed him as the subsequent question appeared.

3. Which of the following would you most hate people to call you?

• Ordinary
• Ignorant
• Cowardly
• Selfish

“I’m going with Ordinary,” Baekhyun decided immediately. “After all, it’s a fact that I’m amazing and special.”

“Well, I’m putting Selfish,” Chen declared.

“Is it because you’re running away from the truth that you are the most selfish out of us three?” Lay commented snidely.

“I’m not!”

“Shut up, Chen. What are you going to click, Lay?” Baekhyun asked curiously.

Lay mused for a few moments before answering, “I think I’ll go with Ignorant. It always bothers me when my clients think they know more about my job than I do.”

4. After you have died, what would you most like people to do when they hear your name?

• Miss you, but smile
• Ask for more stories about your adventures
• Think with admiration of your achievements
• I don’t care what people think of me after I’m dead; it’s what they think of me while I’m alive that counts

“Oh, this one is easy. Obviously people are going to want to ask about all of the great adventures I’ve been on,” Baekhyun stated with pride.

“Please, all of these amazing adventures you’re having are all in your head,” Chen told him snarkily. “I’d rather have people think about how I’ve changed with world with my achievements.”

“Oh yeah? What achievements are you talking about, you couch potato?” Baekhyun jabbed back at him.

“Well,” Lay began before Chen could retort. “I don’t really care about what people think about me when I’m dead. I mean, it’d be nice if people would think about what I’ve contributed to society, but it’s not really that big of a deal to me.”

5. Given the choice, would you rather invent a potion that would guarantee you:

• Glory
• Wisdom
• Love
• Power

“Glory!” Baekhyun shouted as soon as the question appeared. “That’s the obvious choice!”

“What a kid.” Chen shook his head at his housemate’s childish choice as he clicked on Power.

“I think Wisdom is very important,” Lay remarked. “Not as important than Love, but I’d rather find that organically.”

6. How would you like to be known to history?

• The Wise
• The Good
• The Bold
• The Great

“Baekhyun the Bold! It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

“I’d personally rather be Chen the Great. Especially since I’m obviously better than you.”

“I guess I’m Lay the Good. Lay the Wise makes me sound like an old man.”

7. You enter an enchanted garden. What would you be most curious to examine first?

• The silver leafed tree bearing golden apples
• The fat red toadstools that appear to be talking to each other
• The bubbling pool, in the depths of which something luminous is swirling
• The statue of an old wizard with a strangely twinkling eye

“Ooh, this one is hard,” Baekhyun commented as he looked at the choices.

“Really? I think it’s pretty easy,” Chen said as he clicked on the silver leafed tree bearing golden apples. “You don’t see trees like that every day.”

“I think the pool is more interesting,” Lay stated as he chose the bubbling pool, in the depths of which something luminous is swirling. “And I’d love to take pictures of it with the sparkling light.”

Baekhyun finally ended up with the fat red toadstools that appear to be talking to each other. “Talking mushrooms sound super cool and are definitely something you can only find in the wizarding world.”

8. What kind of instrument most pleases your ear?

• Violin
• Drums
• Piano
• Trumpet

“Piano,” Baekhyun answered without hesitation. He had been playing the instrument since he was young and continued to nowadays as a hobby.

“I think I’m going to go with drums,” Lay decided. “You always need a good beat to dance to.”

“The violin is the obvious choice, but then again, I am the one with the best taste in music,” Chen proclaimed haughtily.

9. Four boxes are placed before you. Which would you try and open?

• The small tortoiseshell box, embellished with gold, inside which some small creature seems to be squeaking.
• The gleaming jet black box with a silver lock and key, marked with a mysterious rune that you know to be the mark of Merlin.
• The ornate golden casket, standing on clawed feet, whose inscription warns that both secret knowledge and unbearable temptation lie within.
• The small pewter box, unassuming and plain, with a scratched message upon it that reads ‘I open only for the worthy.’

“I have to rescue the creature inside the tortoiseshell box,” Lay exclaimed at once. He had a soft spot for animals and often volunteered at the humane society.

“Isn’t Merlin the super strong wizard during King Arthur’s time?” Even if he didn’t seem like it, Chen loved the lore of Camelot, which brought out his inner fanboy. “The black box probably has a bunch of secret spells that Merlin created. Maybe it had something that could’ve prevented that stupid girl Guinevere from ruining Arthur and Camelot.”

“And since I’m the only worthy one, I get the pewter box,” Baekhyun smugly decided.

10. Four goblets are placed before you. Which would you choose to drink?

• The foaming, frothing, silvery liquid that sparkles as though containing ground diamonds.
• The smooth, thick, richly purple drink that gives off a delicious smell of chocolate and plums.
• The golden liquid so bright that it hurts the eye, and which makes sunspots dance all around the room.
• The mysterious black liquid that gleams like ink, and gives off fumes that make you see strange visions.

Chen wrinkled his nose in disgust as he read the options. “Ew, these all sound gross.”

“I’ll take the golden liquid. It sounds like Felix Felicis,” Baekhyun said eagerly as he thought of all of the ways he could use the liquid luck.

“The silvery liquid sounds very pretty. And I’d love to find some real diamonds to photograph for free,” Lay said wistfully.

“I guess the purple chocolate and plums drink sounds the least disgusting.” Chen reluctantly clicked on the option, mentally gagging as he envisioned the four liquids. “But if I had it my way, it wouldn’t be any of these nasty drinks.”

11. Once every century, the Flutterby bush produces flowers that adapt their scent to attract the unwary. If it lured you, it would smell of:

• A crackling log fire
• Fresh parchment
• Home
• The sea

“Home.” None of the boys were surprised when Lay answered first. The Chinese boy loved living in South Korea, but of course, nothing beat the familiarity of China.

“I’m choosing the crackling log fire,” Baekhyun decided. “The woodsy smell reminds me of Christmas and wintertime.”

“But the fresh, salty breeze of the sea is so much more relaxing,” Chen countered.

12. A troll has gone berserk in the Headmaster’s study at Hogwarts. It is about to smash, crush, and tear several irreplaceable items and treasures, including a cure for dragon pox, which the Headmaster has nearly perfected; student records going back 1000 years and a mysterious handwritten book full of strange runes, believed to have belonged to Merlin. In which order would you rescue these objects from the troll’s club, if you could? (Select Order)

• 1. Dragon Pox Cure 2. Merlin’s Book 3. Student’s Records
• 1. Cure 2. Records 3. Book
• 1. Book 2. Cure 3. Records
• 1. Book 2. Records 3. Cure
• 1. Records 2. Cure 3. Book
• 1. Records 2. Book 3. Cure

“Of course I have to rescue Merlin’s book!” Chen exclaimed as he chose the third option. “Everything else is completely replaceable.”

“I think it’d be a little difficult replacing 1000 years’ worth of student records,” Lay pointed out as he clicked on the sixth option.

“But the cure for dragon pox!” Baekhyun said excitedly as he picked the second option. “That’s like the wizard equivalent of getting rid of cancer!”

13. Which would you rather be?

• Trusted
• Liked
• Imitated
• Praised
• Envied
• Feared

“Praised. After all, everything I do is praiseworthy.” Baekhyun grinned widely.

“God, you’re so full of yourself,” Chen commented as he pushed Baekhyun, who yelped in pain. “I’d rather be envied, because honestly, who wouldn’t want to be me?”

“Both of you are arrogant idiots,” Lay said as he clicked on Liked. “I don’t even know why I still live with you two. Suho and Chanyeol have a spare bedroom now since Lu Han went back to China, so maybe I’ll live with them.”

“NO! YOU CAN’T LEAVE US!” both Baekhyun and Chen shouted immediately.

14. Which of the following do you find most difficult to deal with?

• Hunger
• Cold
• Loneliness
• Boredom
• Being Ignored

“Another easy question,” Baekhyun said as he clicked Boredom. “It when there’s nothing to do.”

“It even more when people ignore you and your wishes.” Chen looked at both of his housemates pointedly as he chose Being Ignored.

“I’m seriously reconsidering letting you use my drone right now.”

“Are you still mad about being locked out?”

“Baek, I’ll help you lock out Chen next time,” Lay said as he chose Loneliness. “As long as we have each other, we don’t need him.”

“Deal.” Baekhyun leaned over and gave the oldest male a high-five.

“HEY, I PAY RENT FOR THIS PLACE TOO.”

15. What are you most looking forward to learning at Hogwarts?

• Every area of magic that I can
• Apparition and Disapparition
• Transfiguration
• Flying on a broomstick
• Hexes and jinxes
• All about magical creatures, and how to befriend/care for them
• Secrets about the castle

“I want to learn to fly! Do you know how awesome it’d be to play Quidditch?” Baekhyun squealed as he rolled around, envisioning himself playing at the Quidditch Cup.

Chen rolled his eyes at the fanboy’s actions. “Some hexes and jinxes would really come in handy right now.”

“The magical creatures sound cool. I’d love to have a unicorn as a friend,” Lay said dreamily.

16. If you could have any power, which would you choose?

• The power to read minds
• The power of invisibility
• The power of superhuman strength
• The power to speak to animals
• The power to change the past
• The power to change your appearance at will

“Ooh, it’d be so cool to be able to turn invisible whenever I want. Chanyeol would be so scared if I jumped on him while I was invisible.” Baekhyun snickered as he imagined the look of terror on the tall boy’s face.

“But if you could change your appearance whenever you wanted to, think of all of the pranks you could pull,” Chen said, the gears in his mind already turning.

“You two are horrible people. Why am I even friends with you guys?” Lay sighed as he clicked on the power to speak to animals.

17. Which of the following would you most like to study?

• Centaurs
• Goblins
• Merpeople
• Ghosts
• Vampires
• Werewolves
• Trolls

“Isn’t the wizarding world filled with more creatures than these basic ones?” Chen asked, slightly disappointed by the quiz choices.

“Just shut up and choose one,” Baekhyun admonished Chen while clicking on Werewolves. “I have to study werewolves so I can help Bill Weasley and Professor Lupin.”

“But didn’t Professor Lupin—”

“DON’T SPEAK FURTHER, CHEN. THAT’S A SPOILER,” Baekhyun shrieked as he dived to cover Chen’s mouth before he could say anything else.

The youngest male shoved the hyperactive fanboy off of him while screeching, “YOU ARE SO DEAD, BYUN BAEKHYUN.”

Lay felt like crying at this moment.

Once the altercation between Baekhyun and Chen stopped, the oldest male chose Centaurs. “They’re smart and quite regal, aren’t they?”

Chen was still dissatisfied with the choices, but eventually grudgingly decided on Merpeople. “They live in a whole other world than surface-dwellers do and they might know what happened to Atlantis.”

18. One of your house mates has cheated in a Hogwarts exam by using a Self-Spelling Quill. Now he has come top of the class in Charms, beating you into second place. Professor Flitwick is suspicious of what happened. He draws you to one side after his lesson and asks you whether or not your classmate used a forbidden quill. What do you do?

• Lie and say you don’t know (but hope that somebody else tells Professor Flitwick the truth).
• Tell Professor Flitwick that he ought to ask your classmate (and resolve to tell your classmate that if he doesn’t tell the truth, you will).
• Tell Professor Flitwick the truth. If your classmate is prepared to win by cheating, he deserves to be found out. Also, as you are both in the same house, any points he loses will be regained by you, for coming first in his place.
• You would not wait to be asked to tell Professor Flitwick the truth. If you knew that somebody was using a forbidden quill, you would tell the teacher before the exam started.

“Aw, good ole Flitwick,” Baekhyun said fondly as he thought of the tiny Charms professor. “I’d probably tell him to ask my classmate, since I want to give the guy a chance to explain himself instead of just ratting him out.”

“Really? I’d just tell Flitwick if he asked me. for the guy who cheated,” Chen said while shrugging his shoulders.

Lay stared at the two younger males incredulously before saying in an exasperated tone, “You don’t let the cheating happen in the first place, dummies. You tell Professor Flitwick before the exam even starts! Do you two not have any morals?”

19. You and two friends need to cross a bridge guarded by a river troll who insists on fighting one of you before he will let all of you pass. Do you:

• Attempt to confuse the troll into letting all three of you pass without fighting?
• Suggest drawing lots to decide which of you will fight?
• Suggest that all three of you should fight (without telling the troll)?
• Volunteer to fight?

“All of us better be fighting this troll,” Chen instantly answered. “No one gets left out in this situation.”

“I can take him on myself,” Baekhyun boasted, looking pleased with himself. “I don’t need you two dragging me down.”

“Okay, have fun getting killed then,” Chen said shamelessly.

“Isn’t the most logical answer to confuse the troll?” Lay pointed out sensibly. “Why fight when you can avoid it?”

20. Which road tempts you most?

• The wide, sunny, grassy lane
• The narrow, dark, lantern-lit alley
• The twisting, leaf-strewn path through woods
• The cobbled street lined with ancient buildings

“I’m taking the grassy lane,” Lay said first. “There’s a lot of natural light that’ll be great for taking pictures and it’d be a good place to fly the drone.”

“If we’re talking about the drone, then I’m bringing it to the cobbled street. The overhead shots of the buildings would look so awesome,” Chen added with a wide grin.

“Man, you guys are boring. Don’t you want to explore?” Baekhyun asked with a shake of his head. “There could be a bunch of magical creatures living in the woods and maybe some unknown herbs that could change the face of the wizarding world.”

21. Which nightmare would frighten you most?

• Standing on top of something very high and realizing suddenly that there are no hand- or footholds, nor any barrier to stop you falling
• An eye at the keyhole of the dark, windowless room in which you are locked
• Waking up to find out neither your friends nor your family have any idea who you are
• Being forced to speak in a silly voice that hardly anyone can understand you, and everyone laughs at you

“Oh god, I hate the falling dreams the most.” Baekhyun shuddered as he thought back to all of the times he had woken up in a cold sweat.

“The eye in the dark sounds like something from a horror movie,” Chen said, nervously rubbing his sweaty palms together.

“But I think it’d be the worst to basically be invisible since no one you love remembers you,” Lay pointed out wisely.

22. Late at night, walking alone down the street, you hear a peculiar cry that you believe to have a magical source. Do you:

• Proceed with caution, keeping one hand on your concealed wand and an eye out for any disturbance?
• Draw your wand and try to discover the source of the noise?
• Draw your wand and stand your ground?
• Withdraw into the shadows to await developments, while mentally reviewing the most appropriate defensive and offensive spells, should trouble occur?

“I’d try to discover what’s making the noise,” Baekhyun decided. “It might be dangerous, but since I have my wand, I’ll be safe.”

“I don’t think you need to go looking for it. As long as you’re cautious, nothing drastic should happen,” Lay answered logically.

Chen declared, “Both of you are wrong. You can never be too prepared in a dangerous world like that. If you don’t have any spells ready, you’re probably going to get hurt.”

23. A Muggle confronts you and says that they are sure you are a witch or wizard. Do you:

• Ask what makes them think so
• Agree, and ask whether they’d like a free sample of a jinx
• Agree, and walk away, leaving them to wonder whether you are bluffing
• Tell them that you are worried about their mental health, and offer to call a doctor

“It’s against the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy for any Muggles to know of the existence of the wizarding world, with a few exceptions, so you absolutely cannot let Muggles know that you’re a wizard,” Baekhyun explained as he clicked on tell them that you are worried about their mental health, and offer to call a doctor.

“But that option sounds a little rude,” Lay said uncertainly as he chose ask what makes them think so.

“Or you could just troll them,” Chen suggested while pressing on agree, and walk away, leaving them to wonder whether you are bluffing. “Might as well have some fun with it, right?”

24. Dawn or Dusk?

• Dawn
• Dusk

“I need light for my shoots,” Lay explained as he clicked on Dawn.

“And daytime is more interesting than nighttime,” Chen added as he also pressed on the same answer.

“But dusk is pretty cool too!” Baekhyun said as he chose Dusk.

“Please. It’s because you’re only awake at night playing video games,” Chen pointed out, causing Baekhyun to rub his neck in embarrassment.

25. Moon or Stars?

• Moon
• Stars

“The moon is always so pretty and I remember when I did a time-lapse video project on the phases of the moon,” Lay reminisced.

“Stars are cooler though,” Baekhyun said simply as he and Chen chose the other option.

26. Forest or River?

• Forest
• River

“I choose River. There’s a really pretty one near my grandmother’s house,” Baekhyun explained as he thought of the dear old woman.

“Weren’t you the one raving about how interesting the forest was earlier?” Chen reminded him as he picked his answer.

Lay also chose River, saying, “It seems a lot more calming and I love photographing bodies of water.”

27. Black or White?

• Black
• White

“Most of my clothes are black,” Chen said, looking down at his black T-shirt and black jeans. “And technically, white isn’t even a color. It’s the absence of color.”

“It’s not talking about white being a color,” Baekhyun shot back as he and Lay both chose White.

28. Heads or Tails?

• Heads
• Tails

“Wow, I feel like no one ever chooses Tails,” Lay said after he saw both Baekhyun and Chen click on Heads.

29. Left or Right?

• Left
• Right

“But guys, adventurers always go left!” Baekhyun exclaimed as Chen and Lay pressed on Right.

“That’s not a fact, Baek. Are we done yet?” Chen couldn’t believe he had suffered through almost thirty questions. He just wanted to sleep now.

Baekhyun nodded as their screens began tabulating their scores. A few moments passed and then the Potterhead let out an ear-piercing scream as his screen turned red. “I GOT GRYFFINDOR. I’M LIKE HARRY. I’M IN THE BEST HOUSE.”

“Well, I’m in Slytherin,” Chen reported as he stared at his green screen. “Since the best character, Severus, was in this house, I’m fine with it. And it means I’m obviously superior to you, Baek, because you’re just a basic Gryffindor.”

“Oh, I’m in the house that no one ever talks about,” Lay said, looking at his yellow screen. “At least it means I’m obviously a good person, unlike you two devils.”

“I’m not bad! Chen’s the only evil one here!”

“That’s it. I’m destroying you now, Baek.”

♈♈♈