pairing: BaekLay
length: 1030 words
A/N: This is replacing a story I had written several years ago, but have now taken down due to recent events.

--

“Baekhyun, do you ever wonder what’ll happen after death?”

He curiously looked at the Chinese male who was lying next to him on the grassy ground while staring up at the clear blue sky. “Should I be wondering what’ll happen?” Baekhyun tentatively asked as he shifted closer to Yixing.

“I mean, I guess you don’t have to, but do you?”

Baekhyun was silent.

To him, death…was scary. And the fact that what happened after death was unknown made the entire prospect even scarier. He didn’t know whether heaven existed or if people were reincarnated or if everything ended up being black—just black, no feelings, no senses, no colors, or anything at all.

Just black.

Not being able to know what came after death… Baekhyun wished he never had to die.

It was worse being everything was so uncertain. If he had an answer, even if the answer was the least desirable outcome, death wouldn’t be so…scary. At least he would be able to prepare for the aftermath, whether it was living life to the fullest because he only had one chance or being the most altruistic person so he could end up in paradise or doing enough to maintain his humanity.

Baekhyun already felt shackled by society’s expectations and the pressure to be the most successful person on the planet, when he sometimes just wanted to let loose and do the things he liked, not the things others dictated for him to like.

He wanted to make his parents proud, he wanted his future family to be financially secure, and he wanted to support his friends in all of their endeavors.

But sometimes, he also wanted to be selfish and make mistakes without worrying about the repercussions. He wanted to do stupid things, have unique experiences, and spend money without feeling guilty that he wasn’t saving.

Everyone probably wanted this, to be honest.

But not everyone could have this kind of life and that was another scary fear Baekhyun had to deal with: that he would never be fully content with his life and then he would just…die and cease to exist.

Maybe he would aimlessly float around in space as tiny dust particles. Maybe he would reemerge on the planet, but as a fly with a lifespan of twenty-eight days. Maybe he would only be able to see and feel pitch black for the rest of eternity.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Life was filled with too many maybes.

Yixing his side to gaze at Baekhyun, who was deep in thought. Seeing that the other male wasn’t going to give an answer, Yixing quietly said, “I think about it a lot. I know I shouldn’t, but…I still do.”

Hearing the wobble in the Chinese male’s voice, Baekhyun reached over to intertwine his fingers with Yixing’s. “Are you also scared?” he asked, his voice low, as he eyes wandered all over the older male’s angelic face.

Yixing nodded. “I—I started thinking about it more after my father…” he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Baekhyun pulled him close so that they were pressed against each other, the wind blowing softly through their hair. Yixing buried his face in the younger male’s chest as Baekhyun wrapped an arm around him to hold him tight.

That was another thing about death.

Death meant someone was left behind.

Death meant loved ones were left grieving for the ones who had passed on.

Death meant hurt was inevitable and the pain of losing someone special might never disappear, no matter how much time passed.

Even though time could heal wounds, there would always be scars left behind, to show that a person’s heart was once viciously cut open or ripped apart. And it was love that carved these scars into a person’s heart.

Maybe it would be easier to deal with if the perpetrators were hatred and violence instead.

Baekhyun’s hold on Yixing tightened when he thought about losing another loved one. There was still a hollow space left within him after his grandfather passed years ago.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure he could handle losing more people, even though he knew it would happen eventually. And he couldn’t even wish to pass on before they did, because they would be the ones hurting instead.

Baekhyun didn’t think he could be that selfish.

He didn’t want Yixing to cry every single night, cold and alone in bed, grieving for years on end.

Baekhyun had already watched Yixing break down three months ago. And Baekhyun knew he couldn’t watch that happen again.

Dropping a light kiss on the Chinese male’s smooth forehead, Baekhyun felt Yixing relax a bit under his touch. “It’s okay to be scared,” he murmured a few seconds later after drawing back from the kiss. “I’m always scared when it comes to death.”

“Why does death have to exist?”

Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, because he had asked himself this question countless times as well, before he finally answered, “I don’t know. I wish I had an inspiring answer that could instantly make you feel better about the whole situation, but I don’t. I’m just as lost as you are.”

“It’s okay.” Yixing sighed, his warm breath tickling the younger male’s chest.

Baekhyun slightly pulled himself apart from the Chinese male, so he could look directly into Yixing’s dark brown eyes. God, he was beautiful. The day they separated from each other would be the day Baekhyun would lose a part of himself.

Since there was no point in saying anything else, Baekhyun reached over to cup Yixing’s soft cheeks and gently press their lips together. Yixing responded and kissed him back even harder, afraid that if he stopped the kiss, Baekhyun would somehow disappear.

He wouldn’t, of course, but no one knew what was going to happen the next day or in two weeks or in five months or in ten years or when they were one hundred years old, if they lived to be that long.

All they knew was that they were together now and they had no intention of wasting any of this precious time.

Life was fleeting. So they had to live every second of it.

♈♈♈