Dear Mr. Kim JaeJoong,

I have not eaten in ten days. All I have drank was a bottle of water. I'm suprised I survived that relapse. No, not the MS, my anorexia.

My anorexia nervosa, I was first diagnosed with it when I was 11. Young age, right? It was because of this girl in our class. She was really skinny, and you would always blush around her. I had feelings for you, even during that time.

So I started starving myself. Even dropping 20 pounds wasn't enough. After a few years, I was bone thin. I thought I was attractive.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Mr. Kim JaeJoong, thank you for helping me get over my anorexia. But now, it's back.

I am fully aware of my current state. I know that starvation only makes me weaker. It will kill me, I know it will, but I think my mulitple sclerosis will kill me faster.

It feels so strange talking about death. I have stared it in the face many times, but you were there. You were a form of protection, although I knew you couldn't do anything.

Mr. Kim JaeJoong, this is the first time I have stepped on the scale in ten days. I have lost five pounds.

I am starving.

I really should go eat, it's what you would want. But somehow, I feel in control. I feel like I can do something for myself in this wretched life.

The emptier I am, the more unrestricted my life.

I won't worry about food. About how I will live.

I will simply exist.

{ day 237. }