✌REVIEW - DANGER series BOOK I: Roll The Dice
✔✔TRAVERSE SHOP - REVIEW & PROOFREAD✔✔
Story title:
Author(s):
Genre(s):
Angst
Romance
Romance
Story Status:
Completed
No.of Chapters:
1
Category:
Oneshot
Total Points:
37/45
TITLE: 4/5
vTitle's okay. I have nothing to say about its eye-catching-ness Is that even a word lol. I understand that DANGER is capitalized since it's actually the name of a series. Though I would prefer not to capitalize the word BOOK (As it's not very appealing, to me at least). I recommend something like this:
DANGER Series - Book I: Roll The Dice
DANGER Series - Book I: Roll The Dice
DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD: 9/10
The Description's neat and well done; though there are some grammatical mistakes in the Description:
Raine Kim, the only daughter and heiress of the deceased owners of major hotels & casinos who owns not only dollars, but a bunch of euros was kidnapped by a rebelious eighteen year old man. Jeon Jungkook, a son of serial killers.
"I'm not crying at all. I actually want you to kill me when the clock hits 12 o' clock.
Foreword's perfect.
Raine Kim, the only daughter and heiress of the deceased owners of major hotels & casinos who owns not only dollars, but a bunch of euros was kidnapped by a rebelious eighteen year old man. Jeon Jungkook, a son of serial killers.
"I'm not crying at all. I actually want you to kill me when the clock hits 12 o' clock.
Foreword's perfect.
PLOT: 8/10
I don't recall any similar plots to this one, so it's safe to say that the plot's original.
The plot is straightforward and predictable, since the readers already know that she's gonna die when the clock strikes 12 anyway. But the ending makes up for it. You gave the readers (according to their feedbackslol) and me false hope that's she's not going to die because Jungkook eventually opened up to her (when he gave his name and all). But she died at the end anyway.
Sad to say that there's me screamingbull! when I was proofreading this story. I guess that's a serial killer thing at the end.
I also found some (not really) plothole right here. You heavily implied that her love-at-first-sight was Jungkook since the last two dialogue implies this:
"Remember the flowers we saw that day..."
And:
"So-Sonuel... I-It can't be..."
Jungkook is her love-at-first-sight because she said this:
"...We would hang out by the fields... We've been picking up the lilies..."
Remember the second to the last dialogue? Yes, that's right. He'd forgotten about her.
Here comes the plot hole: If Jungkook and her love-at-first-sight is the same person, how can he not remember her? Did he had like, an amnesia? Or was he kidnapped and brainwashed into thinking that he was a son of serial killers? After all, it would explain why he disappeared one day
"I thought he was gone for a while as I continued wating for him at twelve o' clock by the fields until I reached sixteen and realization hit me that he'll be gone forever..."
If he was kidnapped by serial killers, then those people are so ing kind to be serial killers. Their behavior is in their name. Killers. They could have like, sold his organs or something. That would have bring them lots of money. If not, how can he not remember her? If he's not her love-at-first-sight, then that about those last two dialogues?
I don't know if I messed up somehow, so author-nim, please kindly explain the plotholes :D
The plot is straightforward and predictable, since the readers already know that she's gonna die when the clock strikes 12 anyway. But the ending makes up for it. You gave the readers (according to their feedbacks
Sad to say that there's me screaming
I also found some (not really) plothole right here. You heavily implied that her love-at-first-sight was Jungkook since the last two dialogue implies this:
"Remember the flowers we saw that day..."
And:
"So-Sonuel... I-It can't be..."
Jungkook is her love-at-first-sight because she said this:
"...We would hang out by the fields... We've been picking up the lilies..."
Remember the second to the last dialogue? Yes, that's right. He'd forgotten about her.
Here comes the plot hole: If Jungkook and her love-at-first-sight is the same person, how can he not remember her? Did he had like, an amnesia? Or was he kidnapped and brainwashed into thinking that he was a son of serial killers? After all, it would explain why he disappeared one day
"I thought he was gone for a while as I continued wating for him at twelve o' clock by the fields until I reached sixteen and realization hit me that he'll be gone forever..."
If he was kidnapped by serial killers, then those people are so ing kind to be serial killers. Their behavior is in their name. Killers. They could have like, sold his organs or something. That would have bring them lots of money. If not, how can he not remember her? If he's not her love-at-first-sight, then that about those last two dialogues?
I don't know if I messed up somehow, so author-nim, please kindly explain the plotholes :D
WRITING STYLE: 3/5
The writing's style kinda lacks in dialog tags like:
"Then do you want me to take away your snacks-"
"No! Of course not! Why would you do that?" she interrupted.
Lack in dialog tags will result in difficulty to identify the speaker.
Also, the writing's style is wordy:
By that moment, I felt I was struck by a group of butterflies hitting my stomach so hard as I felt my cheeks burning up in heat as I stared at her smiling face and her voice echoing through my head.
It could have been:
By that moment, I felt like I was struck by a group of butterflies hitting my stomach so hard, that I felt my cheeks burning upin heat when I stared at her smiling face, her voice echoing through my head.
I added some commas for pausing and replaced some repetitive words. The texts in red signifies deletion.
Descriptive writing's a bit lacking...
You should, however, make the font size bigger since I am literally squinting at the words.Have mercy on people who have poor eyesight like me lol
"Then do you want me to take away your snacks-"
"No! Of course not! Why would you do that?" she interrupted.
Lack in dialog tags will result in difficulty to identify the speaker.
Also, the writing's style is wordy:
By that moment, I felt I was struck by a group of butterflies hitting my stomach so hard as I felt my cheeks burning up in heat as I stared at her smiling face and her voice echoing through my head.
It could have been:
By that moment, I felt like I was struck by a group of butterflies hitting my stomach so hard, that I felt my cheeks burning upin heat when I stared at her smiling face, her voice echoing through my head.
I added some commas for pausing and replaced some repetitive words. The texts in red signifies deletion.
Descriptive writing's a bit lacking...
You should, however, make the font size bigger since I am literally squinting at the words.
Grammar: 4/5
Spelling errors (overslepy), other than that, the grammar's fine.
Satisfaction: 9/10
Overall, the story's enjoyable to the point where I was screaming bull at the end. This could have the potential to become a multi-chaptered story, or at least make a spin-off of it. There are many parts left out in the dark, so yeah...
This seriously calls for a sequel guys! I was dissapointed about the ending...
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Modified by StoicBread
Modified by StoicBread
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