✌REVIEW - Amemini (by k4ryss4)
✔✔TRAVERSE SHOP - REVIEW & PROOFREAD✔✔
Story title:
Author(s):
Genre(s):
Angst
Romance
Romance
Story Status:
Ongoing
No.of Chapters:
4
Category:
Multi-Chaptered
Total Points:
47/60
TITLE: 3/5
The title at first is kind of odd, and I even found it unrelated
to the plot. I searched it on the net since this is my first time
encountering a word like this. Eventually, I found out that
"Amemini" is "loved" in Latin. Is that intended? (Or even correct lol)
Even if it's not (or it is), in my opinion, it doesn't catch the attention of the reader simply because the title is unfamiliar and strange to them, it's a one-word title which more often than not, isn't really effective at catching the reader's interest and it didn't have a strong impact to us readers (in my POV at least).
Even if it's not (or it is), in my opinion, it doesn't catch the attention of the reader simply because the title is unfamiliar and strange to them, it's a one-word title which more often than not, isn't really effective at catching the reader's interest and it didn't have a strong impact to us readers (in my POV at least).
DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD: 8/10
Again, the Description is very vague, but I can see the plot
here. What makes it vague is it lacks a conflict,
whether a major or minor one. The other reason that it's
very vague (which is a huge turn-off for readers) is because
of the following sentences:
But when he meets Baekhyun,
Chanyeol will have to take his hand
and convince him
that life does get better.
Why convince him from something? What happened? I
know that something really angst-y happened because of
that one quote from The Great Gatsby, but you could
have revealed the problem behind it.
Also, I would like to point out that the way you did the quote, it was correct and aesthetically pleasing. It's italicized, enclosed in quotation marks, and centered; the way it should be.
The Foreword's okay.
Chanyeol will have to take his hand
and convince him
that life does get better.
Also, I would like to point out that the way you did the quote, it was correct and aesthetically pleasing. It's italicized, enclosed in quotation marks, and centered; the way it should be.
The Foreword's okay.
PLOT: 9/10
So far based on my understanding, Chanyeol went to
Bucheon for a summer holiday I think? ('...I have to write a
short story with a minimum of 10 pages inspired by an item I
found during my summer holiday'). Correct me if I'm
wrong xD
Then apparently, he meets Baekhyun who wants to buy the horse pin from him. Now he as to find an object as an inspiration for his short story to which I predict that will be the horse pin. And with Baekhyun and Romance involved in it. Yay! Did I guess that right? No? Okay :(
(Seriously, if that was pre-planned plot, then it's easy to predict.) Something happens in Chapter 4 aaand the plot stops right there. I expect this to be a stagnant story but it's the opposite! As something happens every chapter that keeps the plot moving and more interesting. And, I can't see the major/main plot of the story yet. And it's Chapter 4 already. Remember this?
But when he meets Baekhyun,
Chanyeol will have to take his hand
and convince him
that life does get better.
To be honest, I don't see relevance of this to the story.
Where's the angst-y feeling that the Description brings in
the whole Chapters 1-4? Don't tell
me Baekhyun's brother is going to die?
Then apparently, he meets Baekhyun who wants to buy the horse pin from him. Now he as to find an object as an inspiration for his short story to which I predict that will be the horse pin. And with Baekhyun and Romance involved in it. Yay! Did I guess that right? No? Okay :(
(Seriously, if that was pre-planned plot, then it's easy to predict.) Something happens in Chapter 4 aaand the plot stops right there. I expect this to be a stagnant story but it's the opposite! As something happens every chapter that keeps the plot moving and more interesting. And, I can't see the major/main plot of the story yet. And it's Chapter 4 already. Remember this?
Chanyeol will have to take his hand
and convince him
that life does get better.
Flow of the Story: 5/5
Surprisingly, the story progression is amazing, even though
each chapter is short, something always happens in every
chapter that refrains me from clicking the exit button. Story
progression's not too fast.
The flow remains undisrupted.
The flow remains undisrupted.
CHARACTERS: 7/10
Let me say this: Chanyeol's character to me is monotonous.
He isn't that happy virus like his real-life counterpart. He
kinda speaks formally, too.
For example:
'I see I've lived up to my expectation of not being able to write about every single day because I'm such an inconsistent fool. It's a trait that I hope isn't too late to be changed. You cannot imagine how many teachers have complained, not necessarily to my face, about it. It's really annoying, to be honest. Especially when they talk about me in front of my face. But that's a story for another day.'
Inconsistent? Fool? Remember this is Chanyeol speaking/thinking since this story is set on his POV after all.
So I think that we're going a little bit of OOC here, don't you think?
Also, I've mentioned his character being monotonous. Because I can't see his thoughts and this was supposed to be a journal/diary, right? So, I think Chanyeol's thoughts/feelings should outweigh on what is happening around him.
About the characterization, everything is mostly on a character's actions, but there's a bit of Chanyeol's thoughts, but mostly the characterization most used is the characters' actions.
I can't see any character development yet (duh, it's still Chapter 4).
For example:
'I see I've lived up to my expectation of not being able to write about every single day because I'm such an inconsistent fool. It's a trait that I hope isn't too late to be changed. You cannot imagine how many teachers have complained, not necessarily to my face, about it. It's really annoying, to be honest. Especially when they talk about me in front of my face. But that's a story for another day.'
Inconsistent? Fool? Remember this is Chanyeol speaking/thinking since this story is set on his POV after all.
So I think that we're going a little bit of OOC here, don't you think?
Also, I've mentioned his character being monotonous. Because I can't see his thoughts and this was supposed to be a journal/diary, right? So, I think Chanyeol's thoughts/feelings should outweigh on what is happening around him.
About the characterization, everything is mostly on a character's actions, but there's a bit of Chanyeol's thoughts, but mostly the characterization most used is the characters' actions.
I can't see any character development yet (duh, it's still Chapter 4).
WRITING STYLE: 3/5
'Kanye West apparently loves wearing clothing that
looked it had been picked up from a garbage truck and
stitched up again to make it look half decent and people
consider him a fashion icon.'
preach guuurl!
*ahem* as I was saying, writing's style is good. It's broken up to little paragraps so it's easy to understand. I see that you used the source code text (is that what it's called?) so that you can further enchance the fact we're like reading from a diary which is cool.
Descriptive writing is lacking (since you chose to focus on the character's thoughts and the characters' actions). The best I can get it is:
'He was like an earthquake. Its unexpected presence shakes the people near it. It comes and leaves in a second, but people had to process it for a long time.'
*ahem* as I was saying, writing's style is good. It's broken up to little paragraps so it's easy to understand. I see that you used the source code text (is that what it's called?) so that you can further enchance the fact we're like reading from a diary which is cool.
Descriptive writing is lacking (since you chose to focus on the character's thoughts and the characters' actions). The best I can get it is:
'He was like an earthquake. Its unexpected presence shakes the people near it. It comes and leaves in a second, but people had to process it for a long time.'
Grammar: 4/5
There are some tense mistakes and missing neccessary
words like:
'Kanye West apparently loves wearing clothing that looked it had been picked up from a garbage truck and stitched up again to make it look half decent and people considers him a fashion icon.'
It should be:
'Kanye West apparently loves wearing clothing that looked like it had been picked up from a garbage truck and stitched up again to make it look half decent and people still consider him a fashion icon.'
'Kanye West apparently loves wearing clothing that looked it had been picked up from a garbage truck and stitched up again to make it look half decent and people considers him a fashion icon.'
It should be:
'Kanye West apparently loves wearing clothing that looked like it had been picked up from a garbage truck and stitched up again to make it look half decent and people still consider him a fashion icon.'
Satisfaction: 7/10
Overall, I didn't get the diary vibe from the story but it keeps
me entertained as there's always something happening
each chapter. I would've given a higher score but as I said
before, it didn't capture the diary vibe that you tried to give,
so I advise you to work on the characterization, mainly a
character's thoughts (or feelings, to capture the diary/journal vibe) and try to keep it balanced :)
Fighting!
Fighting!
scroll
edelweiss themes
Modified by StoicBread
Modified by StoicBread
Like this story? Give it an
Upvote!
Thank you!
Comments