Chanyeol takes a deep breath before exhaling to empty his lungs of the impurities that are constricting his chest. He closes his eyes as he leans back in his chair, taking a moment to finally entertain the thoughts he’d been suppressing during the Germany photoshoot. As the heavy lids are lifted to reveal the dark room where the only source of light comes from the brightly-lit computer screen, Chanyeol slouches forward and stretches his right hand muscles to reach for the mouse, only to flex them in an abrupt retreat. Suppressed and almost mute, the sounds of static are barely audible, and so the only thing that Chanyeol really hears at the moment is his own heartbeat, pounding heavily in his ears.

He knows that the pictures are already out. He’s also seen the netizens’ debates about the identity of the mystery guy featured in f(x)’s comeback during the past few days. But Chanyeol really needs not speculate with them to begin with, even if he hasn’t actually seen a single picture yet. After all, he is not oblivious to his bandmates’ activities. Especially not to this one.

‘Go ahead, might as well take a look,’ he urges himself, because he knows he would not be able to sleep until he does.

‘Stop fidgeting, Chanyeol. Just do it.’

‘Later. When no one’s looking,’ another internal voice replies. If his roommates catch him in the act, they would know why Chanyeol is checking out the pictures. They probably would not say anything about it, but Chanyeol fears they would draw conclusions and judge him, anyway. However, if Chanyeol tries to give an unsolicited explanation to his action, he’ll come across as defensive. Which he isn’t.

‘What the hell have you got to hide? It’s only natural to support your labelmates,’ argues the stronger first voice. ‘And it’s not like you’ll come off as suspicious. They know that you normally do it whenever you have the chance.’

A heated conversation occurs in his head like this and he masks the internal turmoil by pseudo-attentively monitoring their band’s fan comments and randomly surfing the internet. As he does this, he blocks out his surrounding distractions.

He hears, but ignores Baekhyun’s rants of:

“Shut the damn lights off, I’m not making a pun! It’s not funny anymore!”

“Go the to sleep Park Chanyeol!”

“If you mess with my game stats, I swear you’re gonna get it!”

Up until they all die down to soft snores, Chanyeol remains uncharacteristically quiet and unresponsive. He, however, is still fully awake–all signs of the accumulated drowsiness due to the irregular sleeping patterns from the flight back from Kazan are halted as he subdues them with a strip of Saekomdalkom that he had smuggled out of Kyungsoo’s snack stash.

Chanyeol does not pay much attention to his Minseok hyung either when the older reminds him: “Chanyeol, I’m cool with you eating in the bedroom if you really can’t help it, but just be sure to throw the food containers out in the kitchen trash can immediately, okay?”

Not even turning to look at the eldest member, Chanyeol simply utters a brief “ne,” but then lets the candy wrappers pile on the computer desk anyway. Chanyeol may have a remarkable reputation of being polite towards his elders, but truthfully, he does not particularly enjoy being told what or what not to do or when to or when not to do things. Especially not at the moment.

“’Night, roomies,” says Tao in his thickly accented yet warm Korean, too tired and too full to say anything more as he cuddles one of his newest stuffed animals. Even this short wishing of goodnight by the Chinese maknae is ignored by Chanyeol.

He's a professional–else, all the effort of learning the intricacies of idol life during his pre-debut years had all been a waste. He'd been fed with his share of criticism, scolding, instruction of what to and what not to do, and he took them all like bitter pills, so god knows he's learned. He's even matured a little bit (and he's proud of that). As an idol, (and even for a rookie) he knows what to hide, and what to conceal. He is aware of what people like to see and hear. He’s definitely attentive and responsive (to the point of overdoing it sometimes). Chanyeol's philosophy is that utmost dedication is the pinnacle of one's admirable work ethic. It's better to give your absolute all than be called out for inadequacy and laziness. And this is precisely why he is surfing the net at midnight instead of sleeping: he wants to monitor his public image, and most definitely not because he wants to look at f(x)’s comeback teaser photos.

‘Well, in case Jinri, Amber or Sunyoung asks for my opinion, at least I’ll have something insightful to say.’With that mindset, and with everyone already asleep, Chanyeol becomes fully determined to view the latest contents of fx.smtown.com.

‘Red hair,’ Chanyeol mentally enunciates after seeing the homepage.

Next thing he knows, his right arm is finally moving to load the video teaser on Youtube. The silence is almost suffocating as he waits with his eyes closed, until the voice (well, her voice) pierces through the lifeless mood during this midnight internet surfing session. Her voice, so soft yet so distinct, tickles and agitates his senses.

“I hide behind my back... and postpone all answers.”

As soon as the pages flip, the catchy jingle plays, followed by the discordant combination of voices. Chanyeol shakes the teasing thrill out of his mind. He tries to ignore the boiling blood flushing to his ears and sits through the entire duration of the art film. He mentally curses himself somewhere in between, when he realizes that he’s been holding his breath. One thing Chanyeol hates about himself is that sometimes, he feels way too much.

He honestly thought that the obsession would stop after he indulged his mind’s nagging inner voices, but apparently, witnessing things materialize from his imagination only made it worse, made his head even more messed up. And now that his roommates are all asleep, there is nothing to distract him and he is rendered defenseless against his own thoughts, vulnerable from overthinking.

The torture doesn’t stop him from going further and looking at the pictures, though.

‘But seriously, red hair.’

Chanyeol isn’t much a of a Chemistry genius, because during class, he used to either sleep, daydream about the songs stuck in his head, or think about a way he could possibly improve his dancing skills. Nonetheless, he can tell that there is something about the two of them that... clicked.

Maybe it’s how relaxed she seems, leaning on his shoulder (as if it’s the most natural thing she’s ever done), how innocent yet charismatically passionate she looks holding on to him, almost possessively, or how romantic that vibe that Chanyeol feels emanating from the picture where their foreheads are almost pressed against as his eyes are fixated on her face.

Chanyeol suddenly snickers at himself and proceeds to stare at the pictures all over again, his expression turning abruptly into a look of seriousness (how bipolar of him).

Looking even more closely, Chanyeol argues to himself that rather than compatible, in a sense that they complement each other, the two simply are... alike. And so, even though it feels a little masochistic for him to do so, he repeats the process once more, maintaining a strangely silent and calm disposition. He thinks that perhaps he’ll get used to it and the feeling of discomfort will eventually leave his chest.

It doesn’t.

He clears his throat and goes through the cycle again some more: viewing those pictures, scrutinizing and memorizing the expressions in them over and over. Chanyeol stops when his thought pattern breaks–when he starts replacing him with himself in those pictures with her.

Chanyeol crinkles his nose in irritation and shifts uncomfortably in his seat as his face contorts into an anxious frown. And then, he interrogates himself in an attempt to rationalize things.

Well, it’s not that he’s unhappy with the appearances he had made for his SNSD-sunbaenims’ videos, and it’s not that he is content with them either. But of course, who is he fooling? Although he’s one of the most visible members in the group due to his own hard work (and of course, considering his fanbase since predebut), he still wants to maintain his A-game and be the best.

‘Exposure–it’s all that this is about.’ He conditions his brain to process this acceptable reason as he stares at the computer screen, denying the fear that the real answer is somewhere in those pictures.

‘Will I get lost staring at those eyes?’

Chanyeol ruffles through his hair and buries his face into his palms before snapping out of what he thinks is a foreshadowing of his doom. Frustrated, he steps out of the room, trying to hold his head together. Just his luck, because he thinks that he may even have to anticipate some migraine really soon.

‘Ugh. Get out of my head, you and your red hair! That stupid, yet fun and y color...’

Chanyeol stiffens when he sees Jongin, who apparently is also awake during such an ungodly hour. Chanyeol is puzzled since he knows how much the younger values sleep. The answer to his query unfolds in front of him when he sees his dongsaeng grabbing a glass of water for himself after acknowledging his presence with a sleepy glance and a simple, “Hey.”

Chanyeol speaks after a few seconds with a smile—yes, a smile—and not the usual grin of mischief or a pout to hint his feeling at the moment: “You two look good together, Kai.”

Jongin frowns a little in confusion before his lips meet the glass of water and he gulps down its contents. It takes him a little longer than expected to realize what Chanyeol is talking about. (‘Ah, I guess this means the pictures are out...’) When he does, Jongin simply nods at his hyung with a casual thanks, too tired to make any more comments.

Frankly, Jongin does not know what else to say, too. He feels that telling his hyung about his experience at the Pink Tape set would be a bit awkward. The photoshoot had also been kind of an awkward experience on its own, with Soojung and Jinri being surprised to see him making an appearance there and the fact that it was his first lead role in a romantic-themed shoot with an actual female cast.

Jongin snaps out of his thoughts when he feels a light, yet solid punch on his left arm. Chanyeol passes him by, and Jongin hears his hyung whisper a bit dejectedly, something along the lines of, ‘You lucky bastard.’

A smile manages to creep on Jongin’s tired face as he finally catches on.

“Heejin noona’s visual concept of them is an angst-y portrayal of a girl’s first love. To achieve that artsy-angst-y , they went for the passionate-and-intense kind of first love,” Jongin explains, as his eyes watches Chanyeol. The latter is seemingly distracted and zoned out, but Jongin continues anyway: “And with her as the female lead, they needed a boy who could either dominate or at least par to her sharp and intimidating aura. At least that’s what I heard.” Jongin shrugs. “I think the happy-vitamin image you’re sporting would’ve made you look whipped next to her,” he says in a nonchalant tone, making his attempt to joke about the situation a little obscure.

“Ah,” Chanyeol soullessly nods, surprisingly quick to acknowledge the explanation and seemingly oblivious to Jongin’s attempt to . The younger feels a little sorry that the older might have taken his comment to the heart, and yet, at the same time, he wants to grin at the elder’s cute effort at trying to seem like he doesn’t care. Jongin smilingly bids his hyung a goodnight and goes back to sleep.

A sigh escapes Chanyeol’s lips when he thinks that the floor has finally had enough of his absent-minded gaze. He rubs his nape, trying to recall what he was in the kitchen for in the first place, then shakes his head at himself when he remembers. His hand digs into his pocket for the Saekomdalkom wrappers. He throws all of them into the bin before stealing a few more of the candy. And then, passive-aggressively, he puts the box on the topmost shelf where he’s sure Kyungsoo will need a stool to reach it later on.

Chanyeol hates imagining the possibilities. Hates could-have-beens. Oh yes, he definitely hates that nagging feeling that he could've done better. That he could have been more perfect than what most people have deemed appropriate.

Chanyeol breathes in, and then breathes out. He closes his eyes, and then he opens them. He tries to be as level-headed as Jongin, but no matter what he does, he simply can't shake this one thought so easily.

‘That. Stupid. Red hair. Of yours.’

That he was initially considered for the male lead role in f(x)’s comeback concept.