✌REVIEW - The Body Swap (by hopefool)
✔✔TRAVERSE SHOP - REVIEW & PROOFREAD✔✔
Story title:
Author(s):
Genre(s):
Angst
drama
family
friendship
slight dark comedy
drama
family
friendship
slight dark comedy
Story Status:
Ongoing
No.of Chapters:
9
Category:
Multi-Chaptered
Total Points:
54/60
TITLE: 4/5
Title's a bit too typical for me, added to the fact that it starts with an article, the (which is a very common and sometimes cliche title to start with). It's somehow eye-catching, too. People interested in supernatural things like um, body swaps and the like will click your story.
Overall, the title's not very unique, since I have seen stories with similar or close titles such as this.
Overall, the title's not very unique, since I have seen stories with similar or close titles such as this.
DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD: 9/10
Although the Description's short, it's enough to provide us readers an insight wow what a deep wooordof the story. Note that you actually said what's going to happen (The next morning, they wake up in each other's bodies) but that isn't a big plot reveal, and it doesn't turn the readers off. Why? Because they are curious of what's going to happen while they body swapped and what's going to happen after that.
Also, In my opinion, the Description should be changed from the present tense to the past tense into something like this:
One day, the bully and his victim got into a stupid fight and wished for things they shouldn’t have.
The next morning, they woke up in each other’s bodies. Their wishes came true. . . oops.
BUT that's just an opinion! It's your choice if you want to change it from the present tense to the past tense.
Foreword's neat, there's nothing wrong in it! Nice trailer btw.
I guarantee you if you switched your story to Subscribers Only, your subscribers would be much higher.
Also, In my opinion, the Description should be changed from the present tense to the past tense into something like this:
One day, the bully and his victim got into a stupid fight and wished for things they shouldn’t have.
The next morning, they woke up in each other’s bodies. Their wishes came true. . . oops.
BUT that's just an opinion! It's your choice if you want to change it from the present tense to the past tense.
Foreword's neat, there's nothing wrong in it! Nice trailer btw.
I guarantee you if you switched your story to Subscribers Only, your subscribers would be much higher.
PLOT: 9/10
The plot was both predictable and not. I predicted that they would go back to their bodies once they do a Disney , but what caught me off guard is the clifhanger at Chapter 9. I thought it was the end, that I could see their interactions after the body swap incident but no. You pulled out a clever plot twist, I must say.
Please author-nim, update! I'm curious what would happen next xD
So far, there are no noticeable plotholes. I know that the other*wink*Whimsical*wink* review said that there are, so let me explain from an in-depth reader's understanding:
"On chapter four, Namjoon was the one who instigated the fight by mentioning Taehyung and mocking him as Jimin’s boyfriend but after Jimin tells him that Taehyung deserves a better brother, Namjoon gets pissed off and punches him for bringing him up..."
Of course, anyone would befvking pissed off if they do not deserve to be the brother of this person, especially when they care about that person! Namjoon clearly cares for Taehyung as seen throughout the story, heck he even wishes him goodnight! Namjoon's not angry because Jimin brought Taehyung up, but because Jimin said Namjoon didn't deserve to be his brother. Keep in mind, Jimin didn't know that Namjoon cares for Taehyung deeply.
"I was put off when Jimin called Namjoon sunbae all of the sudden, when he literally called Namjoon by his name and cursed at him before they changed bodies. Like, he even called him, ‘a pathetic excuse for a human being’, so it’s hard to grasp the fact that he can just normally call Namjoon his sunbae just for changing bodies, if you get what I mean?"
I see nothing wrong with that.
Imagine yourself in Jimin's shoes. You woke up one morning to find that you're not in your own body. Even worse, you're in the body of your archnemesis. Shocking, isn't it?
Then you found out that you've switched bodies with your archnemesis. Should you use the rude tone you used on him before you switched bodies? Of course not! You don't want to be stuck forever thatdamned body, do you? Of course! So, you don't use a rude tone and instead with an honorific because you want your archnemesis' full, full cooperation on getting back to your bodies! It isn't like this is happens everyday. No, they don't live in a fantasy universe. And this supernatural thing happened.
"If Seokjin turned down being the next heir for their family, I expected the parents to be more… ruthless? But they seem so lenient, which makes me question why Namjoon doesn’t turn down the meeting in Osaka? Or does he feel really guilty for his parents, which is why he’s listening to them?"
This is what Mr. Kim said:
“You should’ve informed me first. Don’t practice irresponsibility.” Mr. Kim scowled and Jimin gulped. “Anyways, you’re coming to that meeting whether you like it or not. You need the early exposure since after all, the true heir of the company decided to abandon his duties.”
“Where have you gone all day? I told you I wanted to talk about the meeting in Osaka.” Mr. Kim said sternly.
"Whether you like it or not."
Clearly in Mr. Kim's tone, he's being strict (his stern voice), but not overly strict.
And yea, on the 1st question, I don't know. Just for the sake of it?
So far, there are no noticeable plotholes. I know that the other*wink*Whimsical*wink* review said that there are, so let me explain from an in-depth reader's understanding:
"On chapter four, Namjoon was the one who instigated the fight by mentioning Taehyung and mocking him as Jimin’s boyfriend but after Jimin tells him that Taehyung deserves a better brother, Namjoon gets pissed off and punches him for bringing him up..."
Of course, anyone would be
"I was put off when Jimin called Namjoon sunbae all of the sudden, when he literally called Namjoon by his name and cursed at him before they changed bodies. Like, he even called him, ‘a pathetic excuse for a human being’, so it’s hard to grasp the fact that he can just normally call Namjoon his sunbae just for changing bodies, if you get what I mean?"
I see nothing wrong with that.
Imagine yourself in Jimin's shoes. You woke up one morning to find that you're not in your own body. Even worse, you're in the body of your archnemesis. Shocking, isn't it?
Then you found out that you've switched bodies with your archnemesis. Should you use the rude tone you used on him before you switched bodies? Of course not! You don't want to be stuck forever that
"If Seokjin turned down being the next heir for their family, I expected the parents to be more… ruthless? But they seem so lenient, which makes me question why Namjoon doesn’t turn down the meeting in Osaka? Or does he feel really guilty for his parents, which is why he’s listening to them?"
This is what Mr. Kim said:
“You should’ve informed me first. Don’t practice irresponsibility.” Mr. Kim scowled and Jimin gulped. “Anyways, you’re coming to that meeting whether you like it or not. You need the early exposure since after all, the true heir of the company decided to abandon his duties.”
“Where have you gone all day? I told you I wanted to talk about the meeting in Osaka.” Mr. Kim said sternly.
"Whether you like it or not."
Clearly in Mr. Kim's tone, he's being strict (his stern voice), but not overly strict.
And yea, on the 1st question, I don't know. Just for the sake of it?
FLOW OF THE STORY: 5/5
The story's progressing nicely. There are no disruptions whatsoever.
CHARACTERS: 9/10
Characterization's good. There's a fair use of characterization, I see that you focus on the main 3 below.
A character's dialogue:
"You make my life harder than it already is and you deserve a ing medal for that. For your information, my life isn’t as simple as yours, you . I don’t have parents who can give me money more than I can spend, I don’t have nannies spoonfeeding me or maids massaging my feet after a school day, I don’t have any sort of luxury. So you better back the off or I’ll show you a side of me you do not want to see.”
A character's thoughts:
Goodnight, Taehyung, Namjoon wished mentally, hoping that his warm thoughts would reach Taehyung even in his dreams. (You can see that Namjoon cares for Taehyung, so that reveals a little bit of his personality)
Directly telling the readers a character's personality:
There was no doubt that Taehyung was so kind. He was big-hearted, golden-hearted, so sweet and so gentle to even inanimate objects.
What the characters think of a certain character:
Screw his homework. Hoseok didn’t want to spend another second with Namjoon; he left the class as quickly as his feet could take him. He didn’t know where he was going but it was definitely not the cafeteria, he couldn’t risk another encounter with that again.
And to think that Namjoon once meant the universe to him.
I don't see any distinction in the characters' voices. I mean, try to distinguish their voices here:
“You little er! Don’t mention his name in a war between you and me, don’t you ing dare!”
“Why are you so pissed off? It’s not like you give a damn about him anyways.”
“My life is not as easy as you apparently think it is. Call me names, hit me, do whatever the hell you want to with me if it’ll satisfy you, but do not bring up Taehyung.”
Namjoon, Jimin, Namjoon. Did you get that right, readers?
Look, I'm not going to make this long, overall, so far there are no OOC characters. So far, Jimin and Namjoon stayed true to their personalities. Of course, there's the character development. Namjoon's slowly openig up to Jimin since they've accepted each other as 'friends' during the late chapters.
A character's dialogue:
"You make my life harder than it already is and you deserve a ing medal for that. For your information, my life isn’t as simple as yours, you . I don’t have parents who can give me money more than I can spend, I don’t have nannies spoonfeeding me or maids massaging my feet after a school day, I don’t have any sort of luxury. So you better back the off or I’ll show you a side of me you do not want to see.”
A character's thoughts:
Goodnight, Taehyung, Namjoon wished mentally, hoping that his warm thoughts would reach Taehyung even in his dreams. (You can see that Namjoon cares for Taehyung, so that reveals a little bit of his personality)
Directly telling the readers a character's personality:
There was no doubt that Taehyung was so kind. He was big-hearted, golden-hearted, so sweet and so gentle to even inanimate objects.
What the characters think of a certain character:
Screw his homework. Hoseok didn’t want to spend another second with Namjoon; he left the class as quickly as his feet could take him. He didn’t know where he was going but it was definitely not the cafeteria, he couldn’t risk another encounter with that again.
And to think that Namjoon once meant the universe to him.
I don't see any distinction in the characters' voices. I mean, try to distinguish their voices here:
“You little er! Don’t mention his name in a war between you and me, don’t you ing dare!”
“Why are you so pissed off? It’s not like you give a damn about him anyways.”
“My life is not as easy as you apparently think it is. Call me names, hit me, do whatever the hell you want to with me if it’ll satisfy you, but do not bring up Taehyung.”
Namjoon, Jimin, Namjoon. Did you get that right, readers?
Look, I'm not going to make this long, overall, so far there are no OOC characters. So far, Jimin and Namjoon stayed true to their personalities. Of course, there's the character development. Namjoon's slowly openig up to Jimin since they've accepted each other as 'friends' during the late chapters.
WRITING STYLE: 5/5
I like the writing style of the story! It's not too wordy, and I can easily understand the character's actions. Descriptive writing is also good. I noticed that you focued more on the character's actions instead of their thoguhts, which was okay. But there are some instances where you are Telling instead of Showing:
Jimin was dying from the tension. It was suffocating and he felt a distinct pounding somewhere in the back of his head. He didn’t know that dinner could turn out so intense.
You can remove the first sentence and it still says the same message, that the tension's too thick and suffocating. If you do, you'll be Showing (which is 100x better) instead of Telling.
Descriptive writing's okay!
The lack of their presence brought Jimin so much pain. Too much pain, in fact. He could fall off a cliff onto barbed wire or a fatal y trap but the pain still wouldn’t come close to the emotion that was wrapping itself around his heart. Flashing images of them in his mind haunted him, almost made him want to drop to his knees. He buried his face in his hands as he held back from sobbing like a baby.
I see that you also used repetition (mainly Anaphora) to evoke emphasis:
And among them all, there was the King. The King of the s, the King of the Jerks, the King of All Things Mean...
And
That exact moment, rain began to pour down...
That exact moment, it was the beginning of everything.
And
Nobody dared to be his friend, nobody dared to cross his path even though he had done absolutely nothing that could be considered inhumane.
Jimin was dying from the tension. It was suffocating and he felt a distinct pounding somewhere in the back of his head. He didn’t know that dinner could turn out so intense.
You can remove the first sentence and it still says the same message, that the tension's too thick and suffocating. If you do, you'll be Showing (which is 100x better) instead of Telling.
Descriptive writing's okay!
The lack of their presence brought Jimin so much pain. Too much pain, in fact. He could fall off a cliff onto barbed wire or a fatal y trap but the pain still wouldn’t come close to the emotion that was wrapping itself around his heart. Flashing images of them in his mind haunted him, almost made him want to drop to his knees. He buried his face in his hands as he held back from sobbing like a baby.
I see that you also used repetition (mainly Anaphora) to evoke emphasis:
And among them all, there was the King. The King of the s, the King of the Jerks, the King of All Things Mean...
And
That exact moment, rain began to pour down...
That exact moment, it was the beginning of everything.
And
Nobody dared to be his friend, nobody dared to cross his path even though he had done absolutely nothing that could be considered inhumane.
Grammar: 5/5
So far, there's none
Satisfaction: 9/10
Ah, the tragedy of reading ongoing stories.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your story since my tastes fit the genre of the story. I'm all for supernatural stuff :)
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