|| T I M E  H O P ||

Hey there, it’s been a while—for me—to share my sweet life!

How long was I at rest?—I think it’s been over two years. Wow, I still cannot believe it’s been two years since I got married. Add the fact that I gave birth to a cute little monster—I mean baby. I’m pleased to introduce my son, Do Yohan. Pretty unique for a Korean baby name right?

Well have you forgotten who my husband is?

Everything with Do Kyungsoo is out of the box. Even out of the Korean-name-giving culture. But anyway, Yohan as a name is actually very adorable and exquisite. Kyungsoo chose this—I think this is actually a religious name if I’m not mistaken—name because he said, yet again, that our baby boy has superior genes and therefore, he needs to be THE only one. At least here.

I know. Very Kyung-ish right?

My pregnancy—I know a lot of you are curious. Well let’s just say, I was right all along. My predictions were pretty accurate; I only forgot about one detail. I feel like I was in a reverse isolation for the whole journey of my pregnancy. I only stayed at home, he never lets me go out if I’m not with him or if I won’t go with Soomi and Hana.

In other words, I never had a time alone. I mean. . . it’s always nice to have a company but surely, we also need our alone time, right?

But fair enough, I know he’s only thinking about me. And also, he called me like four times a day while he’s a work just to check on me. I used to think he always checked on me to know if I have committed suicide yet because of boredom, but nah. That’s too far-fetched.

The labor on the other hand, this is a funny story to be very honest. The thing is. . . we almost lost the chance to rush to the hospital. He almost performed the labor himself because it was so so so unexpected. It was four weeks early from my due date.

I could still remember clearly in my head how Kyungsoo worried himself first for a few minutes about why it was too early and it wasn’t supposed to be like that. WHICH is the main reason why we almost got too late to go to the hospital. My water already broke and I was currently in the bathroom that time. I mean, he had time to debate with me first before actually carrying me to the car. He even had a big frown the whole time he was driving.

Well I understand, having a premature child is worrying. But at that time, I couldn’t think of anything else but to let go of the baby out of me because it was so painful. For the first time, I didn’t even care about Kyungsoo’s complains and stuffs. It was a very unique experience of mine. It was my first time.

And the moment I saw my baby—who by the way had to stay in the nursery for two more weeks for ventilation—every pain, every troubles I experienced when I had him inside of me suddenly vanished.

He’s just so wonderful. Our first meeting was unforgettable. I never thought meeting your child for the first time will literally make you fall head over heels. And to look back into such memorable experience right now makes me teary-eyed.

So let me show you my baby Yohan’s most recent photo shall we?

It was during his first birthday five months ago. We don’t always take pictures of him because he cries once he sees me putting my phone up. We had to get a professional baby photographer to actually make him enjoy this one photo shoot without crying his lungs out. In fact, he very much had fun on that one day, I could still remember, because of his favorite children’s song being played endlessly.

Yes, endlessly. ONE FREAKING SONG.

I remember dreaming of that song the same night. It was repeating in my head til the next day and as funny as it sounds, Kyungsoo was the same. It was the worst earworm experience I’ve ever had.

So back to the very present moment, I am actually cooking pasta right now. Ever since Kyungsoo and I got married, of course we’ve always celebrated our anniversary but at the same time, we still remember our anniversary as a couple in a very simple way. Not celebrating but I tend to cook something nice whenever it’s the day.

While cooking, I glance at the open view from the kitchen to my baby Yohan who’s seated on the couch right now beside his father. I try my best not to burst out of laughter when I had the sight of them.

Kyungsoo was bent down to the low table across him while using his laptop and Yohan was there having a throw pillow in front of him on the couch, a thin story book opened in half like a laptop while a small toy serves as its stand from behind. “Yah.” I call out. Kyungsoo and Yohan turned at the same time.

These two squishies.

“What?” Kyungsoo asks. “At~” Yohan tries to imitate him and I just had to slap my own forehead. “Who put the book like that?” I ask while pointing to it. “Yohan wants to play with my laptop but I’m making exams. So I put his book like that.” Kyungsoo explains. “Aigoo~ Yohan-ah, are you playing lappie?” I ask sweetly while stirring the sauce. “Lap lap work~” Yohan chants and I bulge my eyes out.

Work? Right away?

“Yohan is working? Good boy.” Kyungsoo mutters softly and even ruffles the child’s hair. “Yah. He’s a baby. Don’t teach him to work. He should only eat, play and sleep. Go to our room.” I scolded my husband. “Eat, play and sleep you’re trying to turn him into a panda.” Kyungsoo answers back but his eyes were focused on his laptop screen. “Panda’s cuter than penguins like you.” I grunt back and that’s when he glared at me.

“Panda no no. Bbengu~" Yohan singsong while blinking so cutely. Kyungsoo had a shocked face and he glares at me more. “Who taught him that pengu thing?” he interrogates. “Why?~ You taught him jellyfish too.” I answer back. “Jelly no think~” Yohan tells and I gave Kyungsoo a defiant stare and pointed at him. “Okay, you’re so not eating Do Kyungsoo.” I grumble out and walk to them first.

“Yohan-ah, Eomma is almost done. Let’s go now, okay?~” I mutter as I remove the pillow and book in front of him before holding his hand. I guided him to go down the couch before walking back to the kitchen together, his tiny fingers wrapped around mine. “Yah. I taught him jellyfish not having a brain. Not Eomma not having a brain.” Kyungsoo tries explaining.

“Oh c’mon, as if it’s not the same for you.” I mock back while guiding Yohan to climb his high chair. “Eomma no think?” Yohan asks. Gosh, for a seventeen-month-old baby, he sure understands and talks a lot already but actually, his words are very hard to understand for other people. Only me and Kyungsoo could understand it well if listened to. My jaw dropped as I look at him. “No no no, don’t listen to your Appa okay? Not true. Eomma has big brain~” I answer and I hear Kyungsoo’s faint laughter from the living room. I turn my head back to him and he had a blank face all of a sudden.

“Eomma big brain, Appa more big brain?” He asks while looking up to me. I try to smile as I slowly turn to my husband again with my I-am-so-gonna-kill-you face. “I am not doing anything.” Kyungsoo defenses right away and put his hands up. “Ah ah Eomma, oo.” Yohan suddenly coos in a whiny way and when I look at him again, he had his arms all up. He had his squishy looking puppy eyes activated now. “Eumm?~ Eomma Ppoppo?” I finally smile as I lift him up letting his lips land on mine right away.

Gosh, he apologizes just like his father.

When I cut the kiss, he hugged me around the neck while looking back at me. “Not mad.” I reassure him right away and he lovingly placed his head on my shoulder making me smile automatically. He’s like a much softer version of Do Kyungsoo to be honest. “C’mon, you sit down again and then Eomma will prepare the food, ne?” I coo before putting him back down the high chair. As I walk back to the stove, I already see Kyungsoo closing his laptop. “Are you done?” I ask while turning the fire off. “Not yet but I’ll just resume tomorrow morning. It’s Sunday anyway.” He answers as he enters the kitchen. He grabs a chair from the dining table and dragged it close to Yohan’s high chair.

“Appa~” The toddler squeals excitedly as Kyungsoo places his head right on the desk of his chair letting the toddler play with his hair. This two always do this sweet gesture to each other.

In all honesty, Kyungsoo isn’t a very sweet talker even as a father. He doesn’t baby-talk him as much as I do or other parents out there but somehow, he still finds a way to get Yohan’s heart. I watch as the toddler taps his tiny hands on the side of his father’s head. Kyungsoo looks up quickly earning a giggle from Yohan. “Ppoppo.” He mouths softly and puckers his lips. Immediately, the toddler kisses him on the lips.

One of the most silent cuddle sessions I’ve ever encountered.

Kyungsoo then places his hand up to the desk as well and let Yohan play with it like their poking each other’s palm. Even I don’t even know how to actually join their little play time. After putting the pasta and its sauce onto a big platter, I place it on the dining table before going to them. I bend down and hug Kyungsoo around the neck from behind.

“You two stop from your mute game and let’s eat.” I give Kyungsoo a nice peck on the cheek before patting his back a few times. He stands up right away while I drag Yohan’s high chair a bit closer to the dining table. Kyungsoo starts getting a rightful amount of pasta into his plate while I prepare Yohan’s smaller portion on his own bowl. I cut the pasta into shorter strips before placing it to my son’s meal desk together with his baby spoon and fork which have a turtle design.

 Don’t even ask who bought it for him.

“Hot, okay?” I move my chair closer to him and mixed the paste with his fork for a while. “Hot?” Yohan repeats while looking at me with his excited face. “Yes, hot. Blow it like Eomma, like this. Wooh~” I demonstrate to him and I suddenly hear a chuckle from Kyungsoo. I turn to him while raising an eyebrow.

“What?” I interrogate. He clears his throat while chewing. “Nothing.” He shakes his head and coughs a few more times before putting back his blank face. He thinks I didn’t get that meaningful chuckle he gave huh? He’s so gonna get it later. . .

After dinner. . .

Kyungsoo took charge of washing Yohan up and putting him to bed while I clean up the whole kitchen. Knowing he will take so much time washing the toddler up, I took my time too in cleaning. Not that he’s not skillful about it but as a matter of fact, he is too skillful about washing a baby up that he really takes it very seriously.

So I spent almost an hour inside the kitchen but when I checked in Yohan’s bedroom, I saw Kyungsoo just dressing him up. Gosh, if it was me I could have finished in just minutes. I bet it already includes the baby bath tub time and Yohan played around so I would take that for now.

“Everything alright here?” I step in and Yohan starts running around the fully foamed room of his as soon as Kyungsoo finished putting his shirt. “Yohan-ah, come back to Appa, not yet done.” Kyungsoo speaks while signaling the toddler. Yohan instead ran to me and hugged my thighs while giggling hard.

That made me smile back as I lift him up to my arms.

“Did Appa wash you up very well? Hm~ smells so good.” I squeal while kissing him around the neck making him laugh so adorably. “Iseul-ah, bring him back, quickly.”  Kyungsoo coos while giving me a light nod. So I walk to his direction and flopped down the foam floor. Kyungsoo begins putting ointments on Yohan’s scratch spots ‘cause the boy got a bit of an allergic reaction the other day because I fed him avocados.

But everything’s okay, we’re learning about him each day so we didn’t really fight about it.

“All done.” Kyungsoo mutters after some time. He grabs Yohan’s tiny face and gave him a smooch on both sides of his cheeks. I stand up again and held my son’s hand and we walk to his bed.

He had this cute low bed.

Actually, when we had Yohan we didn’t have any choice but to move in to a real house because the rooms in my house wouldn’t fit anymore. We now live in a pretty big house that has three rooms to which one serves as Yohan’s toy room right now since we don’t really use it.

“Eomma, Yohan sleep.” My son speaks as I tuck him on his bed. “Oh? No bedtime story?” I ask and reached for his favorite story book. Every night, I read him a story. We have a lot of story books in his shelves but we actually have to stick to one book at least in a whole month. He doesn’t like changing the story book right away. He wants it repetitively being read to him over and over again.

“He might be sleepy already. We were out the whole day.” Kyungsoo speaks right behind me which makes me flinch a bit. I didn’t feel his presence there. “Well, alright." I put the book back to the shelves before leaning down to Yohan’s face. “Good night, Yohanni.” I coo before giving him a lingering kiss on the forehead.

Kyungsoo did the same afterwards before opening the small lampshade beside the bed. We walk next to the lava lamps at one corner and opened them all as well because Yohan is scared of darkness. We just recently start leaving him to sleep alone in the room but sometimes, we still fail and end up sleeping with him instead when he would cry.

Luckily today, it seems like he’s too tired to care.

When Kyungsoo and I arrived in our own room just beside Yohan’s, I walk straight to the closet to prepare to wash up.

Let me admit, or this whole day I’ve noticed Kyungsoo being unusually quiet. I never asked him though but he seems bothered. As I open the closet, I feel him right behind me again. “You washed up already right? I haven’t.” I said while chuckling. He holds onto my hips and places his lips on the crook of my neck. He wasn’t moving though.

So I stop.

 I think I need to ask him now or we would both go nuts.

“Okay, shoot it.” I said and turn around to face him. “Nothing.” He shakes his head and his hand reaches up to my cheek but I grab it down. “No, you’ve been like that since earlier in the mall.” I muffle in worry. “There is nothing wrong, I swear. I just.  . . I’ve been just thinking, nothing's final yet.” He tells as our eyes meet intently. I give him a nod signaling him to go on.

“Remember the offer I got in Cornell University last month?” He asks an that’s when my lips curve down. “W-wait, Kyungsoo. . .” I mutter and he quickly reaches for my face again. “No, let me explain. I ju—“ You told me you already declined it cause it’s far away.” I cut him off. “I know. I just. . . I have been thinking.” He tells softly.

“What’s to think about? About going abroad leaving your toddler son?” I ask. “It’s not like that. I’ve been thinking of accepting it again and perhaps migrate there together with the two of you.” He answers making me completely speechless. “W-what?” I ask in disbelief. “Kyungsoo, why do you want to leave the country? We’re doing fine here.” I add. “I just think it would be better if Yohan grows up and learns there instead. I have plans for—“You always have plans but you didn’t even think of what I would like or not. I don’t want to leave.” I said with a big frown.

“Very well.” He speaks with a firm face while looking away. Then he starts walking away. “No, we will talk about this.” I said making him stop. “About what?” He asks and turns back to me. “You don’t even understand my plans for my son.” He grunts. “Who is my son too. Kyungsoo, don’t force our son to be like you because he will never be like you, me or anyone. He’s just a baby, for God’s sake!” I exclaim. “I never said that.” He argues while walking back to me. “Tell me huh, who are we going to leave here? Do we have families here? We don’t. We have no one to miss here anyway.” He firmly speaks.

“It’s not my point! It’s ju—“Then what? You’ll feel inferior there? You can stay at home if y—“Is it hard to understand that I just don’t want to leave?” I ask and push him off the way and walk to the bathroom. “We’re not done talking yet. Come back here.” He tries calling but I already got into the bathroom. Before I close the door, I give him one last look. “I’m not your underdog, I’m your wife. We are doing fine here, Kyungsoo. You know what’s wrong with you? You never get contented.” I mutter before shutting the door closed.

I lean on it afterwards and wipe the tears that had escaped my eyes.

I knew it. I never forgot how he had a hard time declining that one particular offer last month. I don’t see anything that he sees. We are doing so much fine here, Yohan’s happy here and I am as well.

And I always expected Kyungsoo’s the same. Is he not?

Or at least not enough. I know he's only thinking about us, especially Yohan's future but for me, I just don't think a person's future would depend on where and how it was done. I'm afraid he would put too much expectations and pressure on the kid when he grows up. I don't want that to happen, I want Yohan to grow up understanding how his father thinks like how I understand it well. 

It wasn't easy to carry on a luggage of patience all these years, Yohan needs to do the same.

But still, Kyungsoo needs to think about it too. If he's going to continue this until Yohan grows up, the kid might end up hating him. I don't want that to happen. So I think this would depend on us now.

He might have a lot of good plans for us while I only have one. 

And that is to keep my family happy and strong because I know everything would follow along smoothly if that stays on.