“Did you wait for too long?” Standing up from my couch, I approach Kyungsoo who just arrived. He gave me a simple kiss on the cheek before grabbing my bag. “No, I just finished preparing.” I answer while combing my hair. He just arrived from his research time and we’re now heading to Daegu just like for the past few days that we’ve been doing this.

Appa’s wife isn’t that easy to tame. Her sons on the other hand – the older one, Jungmin, seems indifferent of me but doesn’t talk while the younger, Jungshin who’s the same age as I, he’s actually the nice one. I would see him giving me a faint smile although he never dared to approach me.

The wife, I don’t know when she will soften.

Just recently, she already had bodyguards standing right on the whole alley of the ICU unit. Although it gets me angry at times, Kyungsoo’s always there to balance my mind out. He never gave up so I wouldn’t. He once told me he also desires to personally meet my father before we get married. As formal as he can get, he still wants his approval.

“Let’s go.” Kyungsoo speaks and walks ahead. I trail behind as we leave my house. “Jagiya.” I skip faster to my fiancé’s side and held on his arm. He turns his head to me. “I am trying to contact a wedding planner already.” I said. He heaves a sigh and puts a hand on my lower waist behind. “You already have a lot in mind. Just take them one by one. But leave that to me.” He answers back.

These days, Kyungsoo has become much and much softer to me. I don’t know if it was because of the challenges we had to face for the past year and half or he just feels very sorry for me right now. But either way, he’s been giving everything to me.

He doesn’t even argue with me that much anymore. If I want or say something, he just agrees to it now.

He’s very flexible of whatever I am facing. He’s always on my pace, he never leaves me behind.

“How about this. . . would you allow Hana and Soomi help out then?” I ask. I see him look in space for a while, he was thinking. “Like you said, we both want to get married soon. Kyungsoo, this trouble I am facing right now, I could have faced this alone but you joined. And the least I could do is to make everything the way it should be just as how you planned it. I know even if you don’t tell me, you’re bothered by how everything’s going unplanned.” I utter while his arm with my thumb.

“Iseul, it isn’t like that.” He turns back to me with a frown. I stop walking and he did the same. “I’m not trying to point out your organizing addiction.” I said and cup his face. He just gave me a defiant stare and I smile back. “All I’m saying is that. . . Hana and Soomi can be trusted. They’ve been my best friends since high school.” I say softly.

Yes, it’s been years but he still rarely talks to my two best friends. Not that he doesn’t like them though.

You know what I am trying to shoot here.

“Soomi has a lot of friends who are event coordinator, and then there’s Hana who’s a licensed stylist, she knows a lot of creative people just like her. She even offered to be our stylist.” I explain. “You know well that we don’t have much guest right?” He asks and I give a nod. As a matter of fact, yes I am aware of that. I don’t have much relatives and there is no way Kyungsoo’s relatives would ever go there. We only have my our co-workers and my two best friends.

We won’t even be filling up a whole chapel.

I’m not even kidding.

But that’s why I still want it to look more special than it already is.

“If Soomi and Hana overdo it, I will get mad at them and I will never communicate with them again.” He tells making me roll my eyes. “You never communicate with them in the first place, you think we’ll even get threatened by that?” I said and he just gave me a slight glare before dragging me to walk again. “Anyway. . . the other day, I eavesdrop when my father’s doctors were talking to his family outside at the corridor.” I speak while we leave the building. “You were in the restroom that time.” I add and he just gave a nod letting me go on.

“I found out they’ve already tried chemotherapy on him a few months ago but it only deteriorated his heart condition. Which is the reason why he ended up in ICU. K-kyungsoo, is it that bad?” I ask. He just looks down to the floor as we walk. “How old is your father?” He asks. “Sixty-seven.” I answer while observing his face. “He already had a heart condition before but. . . he takes a lot of medication. And. . . Kyungsoo, answer.” I whine a bit when he just kept quiet.

“I. . . I don’t know.” He answers which caught me off guard. I couldn’t help but push him off lightly on the arm. “Y-you’re supposed to know. You’re smart.” I muffle. We arrive at the parking lot, in front of my car. I had to hold onto it because I felt frustrated. “I know but. . . it’s life we’re talking about. We don’t know anything of what might take place. If I say his heart wouldn’t be able to take any cancer treatment, I stil—“There. You said it.” I cut him off.

He looks away while running his fingers through his hair.

“So he won’t ever be treated is that it?” I ask. He made a blowfish before looking at me. “I happen to know a doctor there and I asked him about details. Iseul, right now, your father’s only depending on blood donations and. . . intubation.” He explains. “W-what is that? I don’t know that thing.” I murmur but I start crying in so much frustration.

Kyungsoo looks so bothered already.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Let’s just do everything to see him as soon as possible.” He walks to the driver’s area of my car and entered. I rush to the passenger’s entered. “As soon as possible? Why? Kyungsoo, what are you trying to point out?” I ask as he starts the engine. “Nothing.” He answers. “No, you’re trying to point out something. What is that intubation? If you don’t tell me, I wi—“That keeps him breathing.” He answers, barely opening his mouth and I start feeling weak around my body.

“Just relax.” He mutters. He already had his other hand on his temples while his other was on the steering wheel. He looks like he’s as troubled as I was. “If that intubation’s removed? What will happen?” I ask with my shaky voice.

“I said relax, right? Stop asking.” He said without looking at me. “Will he die? Kyungsoo, will he—“I stop from my words when he abruptly turned the car to the side and hit the brake. “We will see him. Alright? Whatever it takes, you will see your father.” He said. I gave out a weak nod and he moves close to me. He wipes my tears before kissing me on the forehead. “Stop crying now.” He hushes and I curtly nod again.

Worry was still inside but I know I really need to relax to be able to do my best and see him.

This is the first time that I feel nervous without feeling hungry.

I haven’t even been eating for the past few days.

_ _ _

Arriving in Daegu, it had quite a traffic jam that the travel time almost lasted for four hours, which isn’t normal. It’s already dark, we usually arrive by five or six before.  “I think we’ve missed the visiting time.” I groan as we get out of the car. I hear Kyungsoo flick his tongue as well as he reach my side.

We walk together into the hospital.

“Aren’t you hungry?” He asks. “Let’s just eat later after giving a try on the visit.” I answer before hugging his arm out as we walk. “You know, I have a good feeling about this. . . What if this time, they finally let me see him?” I ask with my hopeful smile. Kyungsoo glances back at me and chuckles. “Now that is better.” He said. “What?” I ask while raising an eyebrow.

“I like that more than you crying like earlier.” He said and looked down to the ground while having his other hand in his pockets. “Well, you had a point when you said we still don’t know what will or should happen. I don’t want to assume anything or worry myself anymore. I trust my father, he’s a fighter.” I said and grinned.

“Now that is the Han Iseul I know.” He chuckles a bit more and even slings an arm around my neck. “Yeah. . . and I actually dreamt of him when I was sleeping during the ride.” I add and he turns to me curiously. “Really? What happened?” He asks. I heave a sigh and smile.

“He was saying sorry to me because he was much lesser than he should be as my father. He couldn’t give me as much as he could give his sons. Maybe my mind was trying to convince me to just accept his wife’s words about me that’s why I created than dream out of pain, cause I know myself Appa wouldn’t want this to happen.” I said with a light smile.

Kyungsoo gives me a nod and even pull me close, he gives a kiss on the side of my head. “And you know, he hugged me in my dream. He said he always loved my smile, it makes his days brighter even through photos alone. Because my smile is just like my mother’s. I think I still can’t get over the fact that he loved Eomma.” I grin while looking up to my fiancé. “Oh well.” He looks straight while scoffing. “I guess I’m not alone huh.” He chuckles.

My lips curve up into a smile.

Having him by my side right now, gave me much more hope than I already have inside my heart.

We reached the ICU unit and to our surprise, the guards were all standing by the walls instead of the very corridor. I see my father’s wife and sons there looking back at me. They didn’t look fine. Well, they never looked fine at all anyway. But what’s different was Mrs. Kang’s teary-eyes while looking back at me.

Kyungsoo and I briefly gazed into each other’s eyes before approaching them. We both bowed for respect. “Eomma.” I hear Jungshin’s hush while patting Mrs. Kang’s arm. Her face was form as she stares at me. Her lips were quivering. “Mrs. Kang. You might be getting tired already but I told you, I won’t stop until I could see my father. I don’t have any intentions on getting into your family, I just want to know how he is.” I speak.

My always reason to give her.

For every single day that I go here.

Then, Jungshin comes forward. “Iseul ssi. . . we allow you to see him now.” He speaks. My eyes widen in so much joy as I look at Kyungsoo. “T-thank you so much!” I gasp and quickly made a ninety-degrees bow. Then he speaks again. “B-because the hospital’s already offering us the choice to stop his suffering and put the ventilator down.” I freeze from my bow.

Ventilator. . . is the thing Kyungsoo mentioned earlier right?

“Jungshin ssi, excuse me. May I ask about the details?” I hear Kyungsoo’s words faintly, I couldn’t hear well anymore. I even feel him pulling me up to stand straight again. I see Mrs. Kang already walking away while crying. “Not only his heart is deteriorating but also his lungs because of the ventilator. And the cancer which hasn’t been treated. . . it’s causing more complications. Nothing’s happening great, he’s not improving at all and the cancer’s spreading. Blood or platelet transfusion . . . they don’t work anymore as well.” Jungshin explains. His eyes were all red as well but it was as if he has cried it all out already.

The older one, Jungmin was the same but just the person that he is, he stayed silent.

“Iseul ssi.” He then turns to me. “O-on behalf of my mother, I want to say so—“No.” Jungmin held his arm. The older one looks at me. “Just go inside. We stay civil. Miss Han, this is hard for me because I’m the oldest so. . . it’s hard for me to talk to you nor look at you. B-but you have the right so just go in.” He speaks with a heavy tone before walking away quickly. I was open-mouthed, my hot tears were heavily crawling down my cheeks.

“Y-you’re going to agree on. . . removing it?” I turn to Jungshin this time. He looks away for a while as he wipes a tear that has escaped. I feel Kyungsoo holding my hand tightly. “Iseul ssi. Once you see him, you’ll understand why w-we. . .” He stops and turns around. “Just go in, please. We’re giving you a longer time because it will be tomorrow.” He muffles faintly making me sob even harder.

I look at Kyungsoo and he gave me a soft nod before holding me on my shoulders and start dragging me towards the corridor. I look at the glass window of the first two rooms seeing the other patients, one has tubes around her and it already scared me that my father looks like that. Once we reached the third room, I get stiff while glancing through the glass window.

My knees feel weak and if Kyungsoo wasn’t holding my body, I could have passed out.

“C’mon, let’s go in.” Kyungsoo hushes softly and pushed the glass door open. As soon as we step in, I feel much colder than it already was inside. I just stood there stiffly while looking at the bed. Kyungsoo was cleaning my hands off with a sanitizer, then he puts rubber gloves on me then to him. Next he made me wear a mask and a hospital gown, he wore the same. Those were probably the rules in the ICU that I am not aware of.

Once we were both ready, he begin pushing me gently to the bed. My body felt heavy, I was too shocked of what I’m seeing right now. He was so pale, he had bruises all around his arms, circle marks were even drawn from those bruises. “W-what are those. . .” I murmur. Kyungsoo was still holding my body close to him. “Probably for the number of blood tests, needle insertions and some were the bruises from the illness.” Kyungsoo explains softly.

I can’t even recognize my own dad.

The tube stuck into his mouth, it was creating this sound on the machine that makes my body tremble. That machine is the only one keeping him alive and one little move to put it down. . . “You can talk. Who knows, he can hear you.” Kyungsoo mumbles out while wiping my tears with his sleeves.

I open my mouth to speak inside the mask but no words came out for a while.

I just stared at my nearly lifeless father.

“A-appa.” I call but my voice came out whimpered and I quickly bury my face on Kyungsoo’s chest as I cry silently. “You can do this. C’mon. He’s listening, I’m sure.” Kyungsoo whispers while rubbing my back. I try look again and move closer to the bed. I weakly reach down to his hand and I suppress the urge to cry out loudly as I hold it. “I-I’m sorry if. . . I just visited now. Did you miss me, Appa?” I ask and give a smile, a sad smile.

Behind me, I could still feel my fiancé pressing my arm lightly. I bend down lower until my chin was placed on the edge of the bed. “A-appa. . . I missed you too.” I hush and put his hand near my cheek. I close my eyes tightly as I hold a sob from coming out.

I place my lips on the back of his palm and made it linger for a matter of seconds.

“Appa. . . you know, I-I’m with my fiancé right now.” I look up at Kyungsoo who did a polite bow and also patted my father’s hand. “Uh. . . A-abeonim, I’m Do Kyungsoo. I really don’t know what to say. W-we haven’t met personally before but, either way, I would like to get you aware that. . . I am greatly in love with your daughter and I can guarantee you that. . . I would always make her happy and comfortable.” He speaks. I just close my eyes as I cry silently.

“And I know you weren’t given a chance to know me well first. . . and I’m not quite sure if you would like me too. I am not likeable most of the times but. . . you won’t need to be worried because I’m serious about your daughter—alright, I am talking too much and this isn’t supposed to happen. I’m so sorry, please Iseul, talk. Mr. Kang, i-it was nice meeting you and thank you and. . . I pledge this, your daughter is happy with me so please feel secure at all times. Iseul, I’ll give you space.” He gives up in the end and turns around for a while.

I stand straight again and reach for my father’s cheek.

“Appa. . . I love you so so much.” I mutter and place my head on his chest. I couldn’t say any other word or message. I just want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. “I d-don’t want you to leave us. . . but at the same time, I don’t want you suffering. What I hate the most is seeing you. . . or Eomma in pain. It kills me inside. I want you to hold on for as long as you can. . . but Appa.” I hitch a sob and cover my eyes for a while.

“Appa. . . i-if it gives you much more pain, I. . .” I burst out of tears now and bend down close to his body and hug him. “Whatever removes the pain from you. . . whatever makes you happy and free. . . I’ll be happy too. Appa, I love you so much. And thank you. . .” I cry so hard now, I couldn’t hold my sobs anymore. I start hyperventilating and that’s when I feel Kyungsoo’s presence beside me again. He held me up away from my father’s body and I hug him hard while bawling.

It was never easy to let someone go. Go and leave this world completely, away from you, away from your reach.

But at the same time, it was never easy to see someone you love suffer like how he is suffering right now.

If nothing can be done but to accept then I would. All I want to do now is to hope for his peace. Cause I know. . . wherever he might go, it will be a better place. No more sufferings, just peace and freedom.

Sometimes, keeping the people you love near you physically doesn’t prove you love them better than with letting them go without you.  

It’s the love that stays with or without the touch that proves everything can last for as long as you can. Longer than one’s life can be.

 

A/N: It may have seemed that I rushed this particular conflict out without being certain or detailed enough. I, in fact, did. I am not capable of making this one challenge any longer, I thought I could. This is too much to handle for me. I've lost my strength in such conflicts that I couldn't make it longer, it makes me insane deep inside. I want to apologize, I should be a bit professioal on this but gosh, angst is just too much to handle for long.

Right?

So let's just pray for Mr. Kang's peace. . .