Warning: This chapter contains a little bit of self-harm. You've been warned. So, if you are sensitive with that, or if that triggers you, so don't read it, okay?

At that night, Leo couldn’t sleep.  His mind wandered around about something that was bothering him. Then, Leo went out of the room. It was 02:47 a.m. So, of course everyone was still sleeping. Then, he sat on the sofa in front of the TV. He didn’t turn on the TV. He just sat there, staring down at the floor.

Suddenly, tears running down his face. He cried silently.

At that time, Ravi also couldn’t sleep. He was thinking about Leo since he borrowed Leo’s phone. He was worried about him. So, he just lay on the bed without closing his eyes.

Actually, when he borrowed Leo phone, he was curious about what’s in Leo’s notes. So, he opened the ‘notes’ app.  But, it locked with password, not password but pattern lock. He was disappointed at first, but he wanted to try. So, he thought about the possibilities that Leo might use. When he was thinking much, letter ‘L’ came to his mind, because of Leo’s stage name initial. Then, he tried to swipe his finger by drawing ‘L’ in the pattern, and it worked. Ravi was surprised, but he was happy to see that it worked.

There were so many notes, but one note got his attention. So, he read it and he was surprised.

“Did Leo-hyung? Did he...?” Ravi mumbled

Ravi was taken aback. He really had no idea about it, and he couldn’t believe it. Yeah, because what he just read was Leo’s note about his feeling. And this was Leo’s note:

‘What should I do?

Everyone can’t understand me.  There are times that I find hard to express what’s on my mind. But, why do they always make me? I don’t like being told what they want me to do. I hate it.

The haters. I don’t want to care about them. But, their harsh comments really make me down. I know I shouldn’t read those comments, but I want to know. I always read it because I want to show and tell them that I'm not the kind of person who they should hate. But, what did they write is that I’m becoming worse and worse.

Well, that's one of the reasons. What makes me really sad is why do N-hyung, Ken, Ravi, Hyuk, and Hongbin don’t understand me. I’ve been with them for the past years until now. But, why they still don’t know me well?

I know almost everything about them. I’m close with all of them, but because Ken is my roomate, so he is probably my closest friend. But, why he doesn’t understand me too? I don’t hate him. But, I want Ken and the other members to care about me too. I want to be loved. Doesn't everyone want to be loved?

At that time, when I didn’t feel well, and I didn’t want to eat, nobody told me to eat or ask my condition. I didn’t tell them that I was sick, but if they cared, they should've known about it, right? Are they really clueless?

It doesn’t happen once, but so many times in the other incidents. Well, I can bear it. I always bear it, but should I always bear it until the end of my life? I really want to be loved by everyone. Or, at least the members whom I live with.

I scolded Ken because he has been self-harming. Yeah, because I hate it, and I don’t want him to suffer. Also, cutting hurts so much. And why did he self-harm? The members love him.

N did that too. He cut himself. Why did he do that? I can’t understand it. The members love him as well.

They care for each other, but not to me.

When Hyuk was hospitalized, all of them were very worried about him. Of course I was worried too. His injury was serious enough. So, I didn’t mind that. But, when he had a fever 102°F, the members took a good care of him. They bought food that he wanted to eat.

But, when I was having a high fever about 103°F - 104°F, they didn’t care. I must be brought to the hospital. But, it didn’t happen. I didn’t want to be hospitalized too. So, at that time, I just lay on the bed all day long, because my body was really hurting at the time.

 And what did they do to me? They scolded me. Not really scolding me, but they did things that hurt me. Can you believe that?

N-hyung said that I’m so lazy because I slept all time. Maybe he was just joking, but it hurts me. Hongbin wanted me to dance with him, but of course I refused. Ken didn’t ask anything about my condition. I had no idea where Ravi and Hyuk were. But, I bet they were still watching TV or playing video games. See? They don’t care about me, right? Fortunately, that time was our free day so we didn’t have any schedule. And in the evening, I heard they talked behind me. They talked about how lazy I am.

That day, I didn’t eat anything since morning. But, they didn’t care at all. And at night, I was really hungry. I wanted to eat something. But, I was too dizzy to get up. Ken was beside me, so I wanted to get his attention. I tried to cough. I coughed and coughed again. But he didn’t care. He just played with his phone while lying on his bed. I coughed again, and finally he noticed me. He looked at me and said something. But, what did he say?

‘Hyung, are you sick? If you sick, then go get the medicine! I’m sick of hearing your noisy sound.’

What was that? It really hurts me. It really was painful. At that time, I cried silently. Why did he do that to me? Well, maybe he was moody. But, wasn’t that too much?

Well, it’s okay. I’m okay. I was born to bear all of these.’

Then after reading it, Ravi immediately sent all of Leo’s notes to his phone. He knew that those were someone’s privacy, but he didn’t care much about it.

Suddenly Ravi remembered that, so he looked to his phone and he read the other Leo’s notes that he sent before.

“Why don't I remember that earlier?” Ravi mumbled

Then, he read Leo’s note:

‘Why? Why does it always turn out like this? I hate it. Who are they? Why do they  always send me messages like this? And how could they get my phone number? I’m sick of seeing those messages. And why did they even call me on the phone? Is this any kind of terror? Do the other members receive this kind of message too? Or is it only me? But, this is too much. They always judge me of whatever I do. So, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Are they haters? But, why do they bother themselves by sending me harsh messages like this? Do they always keep an eye on me? Whatever it is, please stop. I hate to receive these harsh messages.’

“Wait, what does Leo-hyung mean? Harsh messages? Does he always get that from the haters? Arghh. I don’t understand. I should have seen his messages too.” said Ravi to himself.

Then he began to read the other notes.

‘I couldn’t handle this anymore. Today, I cut again. Well, I’ve been self harming since the past months. I hate my life. I hate everything, and I want to die. I self-harmed earlier than Ken. But, of course I always hide it. I know when the blades goes to my skin, it hurts so much. But, what should I do? I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of living. But, I am not brave enough to end my life. I know, maybe I’m such a coward. But, I don’t care. And do you know why do I always wear long sleeve shirts? I said to the members that I wear it because that is my style. But, of course not. I don’t like to wear long sleeve. It is so hot. But, what should I do to cover my cuts? So, these past months I always wear it. But, do the members know about this? They’ve just noticed that I always wear long sleeve shirts yesterday. Wasn’t it too late? Well, I don’t want nobody to know about it either. But are they really clueless? Why are they so mean? Well, I know it would be like this. Nobody loves me.’

To be continued...

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