I opened the door to an angry Luhan, it was obvious he'd been crying, and I suppose I wasn't the first person he wanted to see after the earlier events during class.

"I'm staying somewhere else." 

Luhan turned to leave, but I grabbed his arm before he could get away.

"What do you mean? Of course you're staying here." 

"I'd rather sleep outside."

Luhan yanked his arm out of my hand, 

"But it'll get cold outside. Stay here with me." 

"...it's warmer outside than it is with you." 

For a moment, I didn't know what to say, and it hurt a little bit. Luhan just stared at the ground, regretting what he had said, although I knew he meant it. 

"Come in."

For some reason, Luhan hesitated before seeming to agree with himself to walk inside. Truthfully, it was all supposed to be a big surprise, but knowing our relationship, I should have known better not to assume things would work out perfectly. 

 

"Why are you here?" 

Either of us could have asked that question, but Luhan beat me to it. 

"I moved here today, since I'll be teaching at the university." 

When I said it that way, it made it seem like I was intentionally leaving Luhan out of the loop, and that wasn't my intent. I had been busy lately, with many things other than work... But there wasn't a good time to tell Luhan. 

"Oh. Right..." 

Why did things feel so tense between us? 

"Come, sit down." 

We made our way to the sofa and sat down, oddly spaced apart. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I was worried Luhan wasn't in the mood to hear about it. Yet, he looked like he wanted to say a lot too. 

"If you want to say something, Luhan, say it now. Let's not waste any time." 

There would be crying and yelling, and we'd both say things we didn't mean. Luhan would fire at me, and I would get defensive, although I knew I was wrong. Then we'd make up somehow and the next day we'd be okay- but Luhan and I never fully recovered from the damage we inflicted on each other every time we fought. We loved each other, we so deeply loved one another, but love never came to either of us without sacrifice. 

But I didn't want to fight. 

Not today, not this week. I wanted to get through a few weeks and settle in, spend time with one another again before we decided we wanted to explode. 

 

"Luhan, wait. Before you say a word, I want to explain everything."

In hopes of avoiding a fight that I knew would be based off of misunderstandings, I tried to get my voice in first. But my efforts would always be in vain, for Luhan's anger ran deeper than just the surface. He was still angry about many things.

"No, you let me talk first." 

I was silent as Luhan drew in a deep breath,

 

"I'm going to talk, but don't give me any answers. Just be quiet." 

"Okay."

Fiddling with his fingers, Luhan slowly began, 

"...I wondered a lot today about whether you'd suddenly appear as my teacher, and I wanted it to happen in fact."

Luhan swallowed hard as if he was preparing to say something difficult,

"But why didn't you tell me? If you wanted to surprise me, I was very surprised, and I understand if you wanted me to be as surprised as other students to make it fair. But then, after not even saying hello to me or giving me the slightest smile, you called me out and I can't- I just can't relive high school." 

Sounding practically exasperated, Luhan began to sniffle and I could see how much pain he'd been in. 

"And those girls... Why couldn't you just say you were dating someone and move on? Why did you even answer them? And it was so unfair to use me like that, to talk about me that way when you were joking with them. Am I a joke to you?" 

"Did you even notice me sitting there still?"

"I was waiting to talk to you alone, but you drew the time on longer. And those things you said about studying in different countries, how is the class more special than I, that they could learn more about you in ten minutes, than I had about you one year"

Suddenly kicking the table leg, Luhan exploded. 

 

"Damn it! It makes me so frustrated!" 

Luhan angrily pounded his fists on the table top, while squeezing his eyes shut. 

"Then I got to my dorm and I'd been replaced, and it got me wondering, you know... I'm really not special enough to anyone, not even you and-"

"Hey. I didn't say th-"

"But I love you so much, you know? It . You're here in this room, with me, but I've never felt more alone that I do now." 

At that moment, I realized what I'd been missing. Luhan began to bawl his eyes out, causing my heart to ache. It was my fault he felt that way, but for some reason, I felt so heated. It was like this strange anger had welled up inside me, and before I knew it, I'd opened my mouth. 

 

"Why are you always putting words in my mouth?"

"Huh?"

"You're always saying that I don't love you or I don't love you enough, or some bull and I'm ing tired of it all!" 

 

Luhan POV: 

It wasn't that I was expecting Sehun to comfort me, but I wasn't expecting him to curse at me either. 

"Sehun, what th-"

"You never give me the chance to explain before you explode! I'm fed up with your attitude okay?!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You complain about being alone, but you don't call me. You complain about being 'found out,' then get upset with me for trying to blend in! You contradict yourself all the time and I just want you to quit it because it's pissing me off!" 

Although Sehun's words were hurtful, his face seemed pained to say those things- why was he being like this to me? I sat on the couch in shock of the way I was being treated. But I came to a conclusion: 

Sehun didn't mean what he said, he was just fired up. I'd gone through too much for Sehun and he'd gone through too much for me, so I couldn't believe Sehun meant what he said. I got up to leave, 

"When you've cooled down and are ready to talk, I'll be-" 

I realized I didn't know where I'd be,

"...Just call me." 

I began to leave, but suddenly Sehun grabbed my arm and harshly yanked me down the hallway. I'd never been inside his new place before, so I had no clue where we were going, but as we rounded the corner in the dark, I could make out a bed and realized it was our bed. It reminded me a lot of the first time I'd ever been to sehun's place, and how I woke up not knowing where I was. 

 

Funny how things get to be so familiar you forget that they once scared you. 

 

I hardly had a chance to look at anything else though before Sehun practically shoved me onto the bed, causing me to fall flat on my face into the pillows. 

 

"Ow! Sehun- what the hell?!" 

I tried turning over to face him, but he beat me to it by flipping my hips, causing my whole body to turn with them, and then I could barely breathe. 

 

Sehun's lips were warm today, and they tasted more bitter than normal- he must have been smoking because I could taste the cigarette on his tongue when he slipped it into my mouth. It was a rough, but desperate kiss, and I realized it been a very long time since we'd last kissed. And although I had no idea why he was kissing me, I just let him because I figured there was a reason behind it. 

We never kissed without a reason to. 

"Sehun, what's wrong?" 

Sehun was hovering over me, my back against the bed board. One leg was bent while the other was out straight, with Sehun's legs on either side of it. 

"Luhan..." 

Sehun practically whimpered, and in the dim room, lit by the pale light from the moon, I could see a few tears begin to fall from his eyes. 

"Tell me, what's wrong?"

Gently cupping his face in my hands, my heart still racing from our kiss. I away the wet tears below his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean those things."

"I know you didn't." 

Gently smiling, I squished his face just a little to make him look cute, then stretched my arms out to hug his large body. 

"I can't." 

All of a sudden, Sehun began to shake. It was rare that Sehun cried, so when he did, I knew he was in a lot of pain and that it was very important. We ended up slumping down on the bed. I was propped up on the pillows, legs stretched out, still with Sehun in between them, only this time he was laying his head on my chest and I was his head like my mother used to do when I'd cry.

 

"I come home, and I find myself eating food from the convenience store. I go to work and you're not around for me to eat lunch with. I go to sleep, and you're not there to fall asleep talking to." 

"I feel the same way." 

"Also, you're right."

"About what?"

"That it's warmer outside that with me."

I stopped his hair and felt a well of guilt flood me inside. 

"I didn't mean that."

"But it's true. I feel so cold, Luhan. And-"

Sehun paused as if he was recalling a troublesome memory. 

"Sehun?"

"And, my mother showed up yesterday."

"Your... Mother? Why?" 

All of a sudden Sehun's body began to quiver again, and his slender fingers grasped my shirt, 

"Please h-hug me tighter." 

Gently sitting up a little more, I followed Sehun's orders and wrapped my arms around him. His head rested on my shoulder, and his arms grabbing either side of my shirt,  just above my waist. It puzzled me why Sehun was acting this way, but even more so worried me. 

"Sehun, what's wrong?" 

Tighter.

"Why won't you tell me?"

Sehun shook his head in my chest and began rocking back and fourth a little. Even though Sehun promised to tell me everything about him, I knew he still had his secrets. He held on to things until they slowly killed him inside, just so he wouldn't bring me into his dark past and deep thoughts. Hell, the only reason Sehun didn't have depression was because he was too stubborn to go into a clinic and be tested, but I saw it. Still, even if it wasn't depression, Sehun was hurting inside and no matter how hard he tried to hide it, he couldn't. 

 

"Sehun, I see the way you stare out the window when we eat breakfast. Or the way you look after 'not getting good sleep,' which I know is because you had a bad dream... I know you have this thing about not hurting me, but I'm not as fragile as I seem. And if you don't tell me what hurts you I feel like you're treating me like a child." 

I hated that he would hurt himself just so he wouldn't hurt me- I was not worth that, even if Sehun thought I was. I also hated that he thought of me as a child, not old and matured enough to listen to his adult problems... I'd gone through three times as much as the normal kid my age. 

My mother died.

I tried to kill myself.

My father is an alcoholic, plus, he abused and almost killed me. 

And I was almost by Sehun's brother. 

There was so much more, but yet, I looked at my life and didn't feel pity for myself. I guess to the normal person, I was unlucky. But I'd never seen it that way, I just saw myself as... Unfortunate. Either way though, lucky or not, I just wasn't born mature enough for Sehun. 

I said something I'd never thought of saying before, not because it wasn't true, but because I didn't realize it was true until now,

 

"It's okay to let me in." 

"It's not that I don't want to tell you things about me, Luhan, it's that I'm not ready for you to know everything about me." 

I don't know what set me off, but I felt so hurt by his words that I began crying again, and I felt like a child. Why couldn't I keep it together for once?

"Sorry I don't mean to cry."

"Luhan?"

Sehun pulled away and looked at me, I probably looked gross. I was crying and wiping my tears, sniffling my runny nose, but not really catching all the drippings. I was a mess. 

"No! I'm okay, ahh haha... It's just, I get jealous, and I'm needy, I know. And, I do things that make you upset, and I'm sorry. But no matter what I'm doing, I always think of you, and how you'd react."

I sniffles some more, changing my position to sit on my knees while leaning on my arms for support. 

"But I realize that this whole time, I've been laying my burdens on you without realizing it, and I'm old enough to understand how a relationship works." 

I took a few deep breaths to collect myself again before speaking. 

"We can't keep going on this way, if all this is, is a one sided support team. I want to be there for you, and I want you to share your pain with me. If you want to make me happy, then make me sad by telling me what is hurting you." 

I grabbed his shirt and pulled on it a little, sulking to the max. Maybe I should have just let it go.

"I'm tired of walking on egg shells around you, because I never know what you're thinking. I just want you to be happy, but more than that, I want to be what makes you happy. I know it's selfish but I want to see you smile..."

I looked up at Sehun, and saw that he was blankly staring at me, so I stared back. Suddenly when what I said hit me, I blushed immediately and budged my eyes.

"That's just what I think! So, I think I'll be leaving now!" 

I stood up and started walking to the door, although Sehun also got up and started walking towards me. 

"Um, so goodnight Sehun! Have a nice night, I'll see you tomorrow at cl- ah!"  

Sehun grabbed me and pulled me in, practically strangling me as he hugged me tightly. 

"Se-"

"Never leave me." 

"You don't have to worry. You're hugging me so tightly I can't." 

"And never ever give someone that kind of confession except me."

"Confession...?!"

"A confession of your love." 

I blushed extremely hard, and tried to get out of Sehun's grasp. 

"You moron! Let me go! This is so embarrassing!" 

"Luhan, I love you."

"Now's not the time to say that! You're choking me, let me g-"

"I'll tell you what happened, do you still want to know?" 

I stopped struggling and let Sehun lead me back to the bed. Sadly, I was weak for Sehun's secrets; I had no shame for it either. 

 

Sehun and I had curled up in bed, cuddling with one another in the still night.

"If you don't want to tell me, it's okay. I don't want to force-" 

"He's dead."

"Wait, what?"

"He died." 

"Who died?"

My heart stopped for a moment.

"My father. He died two days ago."

How selfish of me to prepare myself to cry over someone I lost, when it was Sehun that had lost someone. 

"Why didn't you call me? I would have come home right aw-"

That was exactly why he didn't call. He knew that if I heard, I would have dropped everything and come home. 

"Are you alright, Sehun?" 

"No, I'm not." 

Sehun hugged me tighter, running his hand through my hair. 

"I don't know why I feel this way."

"What way?" 

"I'm actually sad, but I'm also so angry. But I'm mostly sad. Damn that bastard for making me feel sad when he wasn't even there for me as a kid. I just don't understand why I feel so... So-"

"Empty?" 

"Yeah, empty." 

I snuggled closer to Sehun, feeling his warmth.

"You loved him, that's why. I know what you're feeling. When I saw my father at the graduation ceremony, I felt the same way. My father wasn't there for me, and he beat me, but I still loved him in a sort of way and you loved your father, Sehun." 

"Love him? I'm not like you, Luhan. I don't have that kind of family love for anyone." 

"You're like me in a lot of ways, actually. You just don't show it." 

Sehun let out a chuckle, obviously laughing at my comment. Sure, Sehun and I were polar opposites, but we felt emotions similarly.

 

"My father was never in my life. We never ate together, never did anything together really. The only smile he'd give me was when a new girlfriend or wife would be around, but then he'd be cold again afterwards. He worked me so hard, and I resented him for it."

"When we went to that party, I remember seeing his face when he spotted you and it looked sad... I think he missed you." 

"Then he should have ing called." 

"Maybe he was afraid you wouldn't answer." "Either way.. I don't know, I'm just so angry."

"Why are you angry?"

"Him a Suho had always been closer. Suho was always his favorite son, he even inherited the family business. It would always be 'good job Suho', and 'work harder Sehun.' Never once did I hear a good job. and then he just..."

"Just..?" 

"He couldn't even call to tell me he was dying. He couldn't even say goodbye." 

Sehun and I both laid in silence for a while, thinking about things to ourselves whole enjoying the others company. For both of us, this was the best way to think, while cuddling, because it allowed us to think about what makes us sad, and not feel alone because the one we love is with us. 

 

"The funerals on Friday."

"It is? I think I have classes on Friday... I'll have to look so I can-"

"You don't have to come, I don't expect you to come to a funeral...I don't want you missing class. And he's my step father anyways." 

"But he's been in your life for basically all of it."

"I know."

"I'm coming, Sehun. I just have to figure out which classes I have to cancel, that was all. But I'm coming." 

There was no way I was going to miss his father's funeral. I didn't care if I didn't fit in with Sehun's crowd, or if I hated funerals because of my mother, all that mattered was Sehun. I had to be there for him.