Hey, so I keep getting comments about the writing structure. I apologize for the difficult structure, but like I've said, I write this on my phone. If you want it to be neater, try using your phone because that's the way I've intended it to be read, so hopefully it'll turn out better. Sorry again, I'll try adding more paragraphs, but I can't do much about it.

 

Luhan POV: 

Butterflies. 

That's all I could feel in my stomach. 

It was 5:00 AM, and I was awake when I should have been asleep. Actually, I never even went to sleep since I'd been anxious ever since Baekhyun and I said goodbye. My first class wasn't until 9:00, but I couldn't sleep, I just couldn't. No matter what side I slept on, or how many times I tried to calm myself down, I was still scared. 

 

"Luhan, are you still awake?" 

"Huh?!" I practically peed myself when Ravi's low voice rose from the dark. 

"Oh geez, calm down. You're just moving a lot."

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry." 

"No, it's fine. Are you nervous?" 

Was that even a question? 

"Yeah, really nervous. Are you?" 

I didn't really see how talking to Ravi would help me, because he wasn't scared of anything, and since he was so outgoing, he'd make tons of friends right away. 

"Yeah, I am." 

"Really?"

"Of course. It's the first day, everyone is going to be nervous. But you're going to be okay, I promise. Plus, there's no use being nervous because it won't do you any good at all."

"But what if no one likes me or wants to be my partner? I can't relive high school."

"Then I'll be your partner and I already like you." 

I smiled a little, 

"Thanks Ravi..." 

"Go back to sleep okay?"

"Okay." 

Maybe it was because I was letting myself relax a little that I could fall asleep, but maybe it was also because I took comfort in Ravi's words. I was beginning to change, and trust people more quickly.

 

I woke up after minimal sleep to a good luck text from Sehun, but it didn't make me feel happy. 

My first class was anatomy, and I couldn't help but think of Sehun as the first seminar went on and on. I wanted to go back to high school and live in the golden days of Sehun and I when we'd pretend at school and love at home, but nothing was the same, and I couldn't go back. 

I knew that. 

 

College wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be though, but it for sure wasn't like high school. Nothing felt good or right and I kept questioning my decision as the day went by.

Luckily, I found Ravi to sit by at lunch, otherwise I would have sat alone, or skipped lunch and gone back to the dorm (I could actually do that now), but he was with his friends, so it was still a little uncomfortable. 

"So Luhan, I heard you were the student dating Professor Oh." 

"I still am." 

Maybe I was too straightforward, because all Ravi's friends stopped chewing and seemed stunned. 

Ravi's friends were nice, but a little too jumpy.

"Oh really?! That's cool. I saw him in a picture once and he looked kinda mean though. My friend told me he was notorious for yelling at the class." 

Maybe stunned wasn't the right word, but rather surprised.

 

"Oh... Sehun did yell a lot, but he had our best interest in mind. And I guess he looks a little stern, but he's very kind and loving. I really miss him." 

Before I realized it, I had rambled into my emotions and I had begun to tear up. 

"Luhan, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah. I'm fine! Sorry, I was thinking about my next class." 

"Chemistry 2, right?" Barely whispering in response to Ravi, I nodded, 

"Right." 

 

Sehun was the only thing running through my mind. 

The warm hugs he'd give me, the unexpected kisses, the way he called my name, the way he held me every night... Even the way he yelled at me. 

I wanted it all back. 

 

I still had big dreams, Seoul was still apart of them, but so was Sehun. He was my dream above anything else, and I was so torn between college and family. 

What was I supposed to do? 

Crying usually made me feel better, but in front of Ravi's friends didn't really set me up for a good crying place, so I held it in. 

 

As the day went on, I thought to myself. 

It was crazy how much I wanted Seoul University less than a year ago, and how much I didn't want it right now.  

No, I still wanted it, but I wasn't looking to escape anymore. I had nothing to run from, but I also had nothing to run to. 

 

I refused to go home to Sehun. Maybe it was because I wanted him to think I could be independent, but maybe it was also because I wanted to want Seoul, but maybe deep down I didn't... 

No, no, no. 

I shook my head as I walked out of the cafeteria. Of course I wanted Seoul, I'm just not thinking straight that's all. If there was one thing I'd learned about myself when I get upset, it's that I tend to act on impulse. When my mind is clouded with emotions and my eyes are blurred with salty tears, that's when I make impulsive decisions and I'm lucky that none of them have turned out too bad. 

 

There was one time when Sehun was on a weekend business trip and I was at home, but I started feeling lonely and afraid Sehun wouldn't love me when he came back, so I called him on impulse. It felt really good in that moment to hear him say he'd be flying back early, but when he walked through the doors after I'd stopped crying and calmed down, I felt so guilty and selfish. I remember promising myself back then that I'd always wait until I cooled down to do anything, and it was a good promise to keep. 

 

I sat through chemistry like it was boring me to death, although it wasn't. In all honesty, I enjoyed chemistry, but for some reason nothing seemed to make me interested anymore. 

Possibly because Sehun wasn't the one teaching me, but also possible that I just didn't care anymore since Sehun wasn't sitting on me to get everything correct and to pay attention. Whatever it was, chemistry wasn't the same. 

Throughout class, I kept waiting for Sehun to come rushing through the doors (even though he'd act all cool) and say, 

"I'm sorry I'm late." But as the clock ticked on, I started losing hope, and the class came to an end, I new he wasn't coming. Slowly though, my eyes started to sting and I knew that any moment I would spring loose. My pace quickened as I walked to the library, as I was determined not to cry in the middle of the hallway. Luckily, the library was usually empty, and it was even more empty today, so I could choose basically anywhere to have my meltdown. I felt my heart pounding in my chest, 

I grabbed my phone and held down number 1, 

 

Ring ring! 

"Hello?" 

That was typical of Sehun, to pick up on the first ring of my call. 

 

 

 

"Y-yeah.." 

I slumped down against a bookshelf onto my , and ran my extra hand through my hair. 

 

The faint sound of air flow was running in the background, and I assumed Sehun was in the car. I'd probably called him as he was getting home from work and I felt pretty bad, but not bad enough to hang up. 

 

 

 

 

 

"..." 

His laugh.

 

Never once did Sehun ask me why I called, and without any questions, he answered my questions.

 

For a moment it was silent. 

 

 

I paused again before opening my mouth to let my feelings explode out of it,

 

 

My hand fled to cup my mouth after a pitiful weep escaped it, 

 

 

Even if I made no response to Sehun's words, he knew that I just didn't know what to say, but that I heard him and needed to hear it. 

 

 

 

 

I pulled my phone away from my face as quickly as I could and hiccuped quietly in the corner of the library. Sometimes when I cried, tears would pour out of my eyes, but there were also times when there would be no tears and I'd just make weird sounds instead. But today was different. Since it was a written rule to be quiet in the library, I had to cover my mouth and hold my breath, letting a few squeaks and high pitched tones out every so often. My neck muscles contracted with every strained breath, and my lungs were burning for air. 

They were worst feelings to put together the world. 

Crying, alone, but having to do so quietly. 

Because crying already made me feel horrible, filling my body with stress and my heart with pain. And being alone with no one to embrace me and tell me it would be okay only pushed me further into the depths of my loneliness. But the worst? 

Have to cry quietly. 

If someone could tell me how to cry quietly, I'd pay them all I had saved in my lifetime, because I couldn't seem to figure out how to cry quietly when my anger, frustration, and pain was pouring out of me. Crying quietly made me realize how alone I really was, so alone that I had to hold myself back from an overload of emotions. 

 

The funny thing about crying was that Sehun rarely cried, yet he could handle it better than Kris. I think it was because of the fact that Sehun never cried that he could handle it so well- in my opinion at least. For me, it was okay if he didn't say anything. It was just fine if all he did was wrap his arms around me and let me cry. I really missed him. 

 

.

.

.

Finally, my last class. 

Last, but also most dreaded class. 

Not only did I look like puff ball from crying, but I also looked like a greasy mess because of my body's awesome decision to sweat whenever I cry. Oh, and not to mention the fact that I had no friends in my class, meaning Ravi wasn't there, and I got stuck sitting in the front row because I showed up late. I just wanted to leave, it was so awful, feeling like everyone was staring at me- like high school all over again, only this time, Sehun wasn't there. With my elbows up on the desk, and my forehead resting in my hands, I stared at my desk, letting my bags cover my face like a curtain. 

Suddenly I because self conscious though and I didn't want to look back up, so I sat there, hiding in plain sight like an idiot. Just then I heard the professor's foot steps and I froze. Ravi told me that Professor Kim was the toughest grader and roughest teacher to have- and it was just my luck to get him and have to sit int he front row. 

"Good evening. Welcome to your first day of literature."