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55. MORE IS HYSTERICAL

“Omoni!” Kai yelled for me as he entered our house, one June morning. It must be something important which had driven the 26-year-old to call me by the name he hadn’t used in years. He had taken to calling me ummappa like the rest of the children.

Puppy had answered the door as I was still half dressed after our shower together, “Everything okay Kai?”

“Amber wants to eat omoni’s shrimp pancakes,” Kai’s voice held a hint of panic as if he wasn’t sure I would grant their request.

I came out of our room, buttoning up my shirt, and smiled down at the young couple. I glanced at the clock which said it was only 7 am. “Why don’t you call Sehun and Minx also to join you both for breakfast? It’s Saturday and his teaching classes begin late, our professor will be free to join us.” Puppy kissed my cheek before waking up everyone else.

Kai went out again to call the other young couple. Puppy knocked on Chan Yeol’s door to wake him up and let him know about the change in breakfast plans. Ji and Chan Yeol were visiting for the weekend. There was a muffled “go away Puppy appa you are disturbing us” from their room. But, Byong and their kids opened their bedroom doors and rushed out screaming, “Pancakes!”

Baekhyun ran down the stairs and hugged Amber before I could reach her. She bent down to pick him up but I pulled her up and gently reminded her, “Amber how many times do we have to tell you? You are not to pick up any thing heavy and that includes Baek and the babies.” Amber pouted but listened to me and gave Baekhyun a big hug instead. He wrapped his little arms around her waist and kissed her pregnant tummy.

Puppy remained upstairs with Yixing and Sooyoung. “Youngie your mother will be upset to see you wearing makeup at 7 in the morning. And that too a very badly applied makeup. Go wash your face.” I heard feet shuffling and a loud sigh then the bang of the children’s bedroom door.

Byong took his time coming downstairs as he was teaching a highly reluctant Yixing how to slide down the handrail of our staircase. “Ummappa can I call Duckie to join us for breakfast. I am missing her kisses since last night.”

“Oh yes, call her. I love to see the reactions of these old fuddy-duddies when you both kiss. And Sehun’s whines are classic. They should be recorded for when his daughter has a boyfriend.” Amber grinned mischievously and wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I heard Puppy grumble as he joined us, “Super and Hee hyung will kill our son one day. According to them, their precious daughter is getting corrupted. I hope they notice that it’s their little princess who initiates all the kisses. Byong is too enamored of her to refuse her anything.” He kept mumbling while kissing Amber on her cheeks again. They sat down at the dining table to talk about their work.

Amber was posted as a Police Officer with the homicide team in the same office as her father and uncles. Puppy was the Senior Superintendent General heading the local Cyber Crime team of Daegu. DongHae was his immediate boss as the Deputy Director of the Daegu Metropolitan Cyber Crime team. Siwon was the Chief Superintendent General of Daegu Metropolitan Police Agency, just one rank away from the supreme commander of Korean National Police Agency.

Because of their positions, both DongHae and Siwon spent a lot of time in Seoul. It was understood that this was the pinnacle of their career. Their personal same-gender relationships ensured that they wouldn’t rise beyond their current ranks. Puppy was promoted only a year ago and still had three more years to get promoted again. But he didn’t want the promotion if it meant his moving away from Daegu. He was quite certain of being posted to another metropolitan city as Daegu’s position was held by DongHae. We were also faced with a dilemma regarding Puppy’s career. If he didn’t move up a rank in the next three years, he’d be forcibly retired prematurely as per agency rules. At their positions, Siwon and DongHae had no such time period applicable to them. Both could comfortably retire without worrying about promotions.

Baekhyun climbed onto my back, pulling me away from my serious thoughts, and we went to the kitchen. I sat him on the marble counter and began taking out ingredients while he talked my ears off. I wondered how Ji survived with two constant yappers. Puppy called them the Beagle line.

Yixing, on the other hand, was a very laid-back and quiet personality, which earned him the moniker of Lay from everyone. He was usually lost in his own world. Sooyoung used him to practice makeup techniques and Baekhyun played pranks on him. But, Yixing would smile at everyone and go back to his world. Chan Yeol had noted his interest in music and, like his own wise father, had started his music lessons at the early age of six. Imo and the kids were insisting that Chan Yeol and Ji move to Daegu where their entire family was based. The year 2023 was turning to be a very eventful year for our family.

Uncle joined Amber and Puppy as I put a plate of piping hot pancake in front of Amber. Baekhyun carefully put the dips on the table. She took a bite and closed her eyes in bliss. “Ummappa you make the best shrimp pancakes. This is pure heaven.”

“But Amber I learned these from Kibum. I am sure his taste much better.” I wondered how anyone could find anything I cooked better than Kibum’s.

“I don’t know ummappa. Yours taste more delicious to me. Can I have another one?” Amber smiled widely at me. I kissed her head and went to make more pancakes for her.

Amber was half way through her first pancake when Minx, Sehun and their three terrors invaded the dining room. The hungry toddlers climbed into Uncle and Puppy’s laps and demanded to share Amber’s food. Minx joined me in the kitchen and we began pouring batter on all the skillets on the stovetop, turning our kitchen into a pancake factory.

Duckie came bickering with Heechul as usual, “Umma stop it. You cannot tell me to not kiss Byong. I am 18 years old, not 18 months.” The girl had picked up a lot of my favorite sentences when talking to her diva father. “I can kiss whoever I want. And I want to kiss Byong. So there. Live with it.”

“Simba, say something. Talk some sense into her. Talk to Byong. Tell them to stop kissing. They should wait till they are married.” Heechul turned to Siwon for support.

“What do you expect me to do Cinderella?” Siwon was the epitome of calmness, exact opposite of agitated Heechul. “What can I say to Byong? He is not the one who starts the kissing, our daughter does. What is he supposed to do, turn away from her? Knowing her, she will punch him and break his bones for that. They are only kissing. Don’t bug her or she will make our lives hell till she weds.”

When an appeal to his husband failed, Heechul yelled to me as he took a chair on the dining table next to Uncle. “Jinx, talk some sense into her. Maybe she will listen to you.”

“Duckie, baby! Listen to your parents and stop troubling them. But first come here and give me a kiss. You shouldn’t pout. Your pretty face is better suited to a smile.” Puppy spoke to Duckie gently but then immediately lost the softness when the stubborn girl ignored his words, “Yah! Why do you go out of your way to irritate your father? You really didn’t have to Byong’s ear in greeting.” His yell followed the same tone as Heechul’s, “Tokki you talk to her.”

“Simba!” Heechul screeched another appeal to Siwon.

“Duckie come and help us cook for the horde,” I called her out of temptation’s range. Minx giggled by my side and hi-fived the teenager who joined us in the kitchen.

Duckie kissed my cheek and I pulled hers in return. I silently raised my brow at her to question her behavior and she winked at me. “I can’t help it ummappa, you raised a very delicious boy,” Duckie claimed in a half-whisper.

“Go on a diet baby or your fathers will die before their time and knowing Cinderella he will haunt you both for the rest of your life,” I grinned at her.

“What about you, ummappa?” The naughty girl wondered about my neutral reaction, as she washed her hands and began spreading the batter on one of the skillets.

“Me? I can understand your problem. I have same issues with his father. But you don’t see me kissing him in front of everyone.” I knew Duckie was in a rebel phase and needed to be tackled very carefully.

“You get to kiss Puppy appa in private. But umma and appa don’t want me to kiss Byong at all till after our wedding. We are not living in dark ages anymore.” Duckie pouted for effect.

“Then get married Duckie. Stop being a stubborn brat.” Minx had her own solution for the problem.

“I am only 18, unnie. I don’t want to marry till I get my degree in education.” Duckie knew her mind.

“But you want to do PhD in education. That would mean you won’t marry till you are 27 or more.” Minx was clearly unhappy with Duckie because she couldn’t understand anyone’s desire to dedicate their youth to academics.

“If I marry now, umma will pester me for a baby, and my dream of studying the same as him will go up in smoke.” Duckie had her own logic.

“Heechul completed his education after partnering with Siwon. Who says you cannot attend college after your marriage? Didn’t Sehun complete his medical studies, that too by topping his class?” I tried to understand Duckie’s mind.

“But Sehun oppa was not the one who had to get pregnant and bear the kids? I don’t want to attend college with a big tummy.” Duckie countered. “Didn’t you notice ummappa how umma, Key umma, and the elder Lee halmeoni harassed Amber unnie into having a baby soon after her wedding? Do you really think unnie wants to have a baby now? She didn’t plan on one till she was in her thirties.”

“Is that all? For this you are making life difficult for your parents?” When Duckie nodded in response to my question, I took a moment to compose my thoughts. “You know you can marry after completing your schooling. Then drop a year to have a baby. Heechul and I will look after the baby while you complete your college education.” I watched her carefully to gauge her reaction.

“I will think about it,” Duckie said with a blank face, refusing to give me the satisfaction of any reaction.

“Take your time. But, till then no kissing Byong. You keep your distance from him, if you want him to live long enough to marry you.” I smiled at my giant baby girl who I had taken care of since the day of her birth.

“You want a promise ummappa?” Duckie gave me an incorrigible smile and Minx rolled her eyes.

“Not a promise. Just an agreement. I know you will not go back on your words to me.” I knew asking for a promise might reverse Duckie’s mood all over again.

“Ok, no kissing Byong while I am thinking about your suggestions.” Duckie winked at Minx and this time I rolled my eyes. At least it was better than nothing.

Imo was yawning as she joined the rest of the family on the dining table. Baekhyun climbed into her lap and began poking her sleepy face. Duckie and I went to pile up the pancakes on the table and she pecked Byong’s lips on her way back to the kitchen. There were loud exclamations of her name from around the table. Uncle frowned, but thankfully remained silent. I sighed and followed her, motioning for Heechul to sit back and not make the situation any worse. I also said a small prayer for Byong’s safety.   

“I thought about it ummappa,” Duckie whispered before I could reprimand her. “I am in my senior year at school. I will marry after the exams are over. Go ahead and set a date for March next year.”

“Eh?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Duckie laughed at my reaction and hugged me tight, “I can’t wait to tell umma that he has only a few months left with me and next March I am shifting here.” She had thought of a better way to harass her parents. She ran out of the kitchen to make her announcement.

Minx and I removed the skillets from the gastop and followed her. Pancakes could be cooked later. But the drama that would unfold in our dining room would be once in a lifetime show. Minx took out her phone and began recording.

“Umma, I have decided. I am going to marry Byong next March and move to live here permanently.” Duckie said loudly to be audible above the conversation at the table.

Heechul and Siwon stared at her in shock. Byong jumped from his seat and began a funny dance. Minx’s toddlers and Baekhyun joined him. Chan Yeol and Ji finally made an appearance and Beagle was pulled into the dance by his youngest son.

Uncle groaned, “Only a few months and there will be another shameless person joining this house.”

“Simba do something. How will I live without her?” Heechul shook Siwon by his shoulders when he regained his ability to speak.

“We, how will ‘we’ live without her.” Siwon, who was still in shock, corrected him.

“Congrats Super you get your wish. We will be related by marriage in March,” Puppy grinned at Siwon. He got up from his seat and hugged me. “You got her to agree Tokki. We celebrate tonight.”

“We celebrated just last night. I don’t think I am up for any more celebrations tonight. Plain vanilla would be nice once in a while you know.” I whispered, my brain not functioning in shock.

Minx, standing next to me, began laughing at my words. “Ummappa, appa is talking about family celebrations. Get your mind out of the bedroom.”

We turned red at her words and I tried not to make our embarrassment worse by saying anything more. The worst part was that my words were recorded along with the action in our dining room.

“Is there anyway you will give us the recording babygirl?” Puppy asked her hopefully.

“I want a car to go to work,” Minx was quick with her demand.

“How about your dresses for the wedding?” Puppy negotiated.

“Couture?” Minx was not a cheap negotiator.

“Deal. You give me the recording and delete it from your phone.” Puppy nodded happily.

There was the doorbell and Ji opened it to welcome Kibum who dashed in and hugged me, while I was still in Puppy’s arms. “Hyung, Amber refuses to eat my cooking. Says it makes her nauseous. Well she used the word ‘puke’ but I don’t want to say that. How can my food make anyone nauseous? You ate oodles of it when you were pregnant with Minx. My sisters-in-law ate it when they were pregnant. Why can’t Amber eat it?”

“Calm down Bummie. She is sitting at the table tucking away shrimp pancakes. You know it’s not in her control. Her hormones are guiding her taste. Once the baby is born she will be pestering you for food again.”

“Babies hyung. Didn’t they tell you? Their visit to the hospital last evening revealed she is carrying twins. They wouldn’t let the doctor tell them the gender. I hope at least one is a girl if not both.” Kibum stopped for breath.

“Twins? Wow! No wonder her tummy is larger for her time. She is near completing her fifth month. Another 4 months and you will have two babies to play with Key hyung.” Puppy pacified Kibum.

“Does it really matter what she eats and where? At least she is not making you get up at 3 in the night to get her something.” I grinned at the memory of Kibum’s pregnancy.

“As if Tae hyung will let me leave the bed at night, even if it’s to feed his hungry grandbabies. He never bothered when I carried Kai. What makes you think he has changed any?” Kibum made a face.

“Key umma smile. Did you know Duckie agreed to marry Byong in March next year?” Minx diverted her uncle’s attention from Amber.

“Thankfully, Amber would have given birth and would be looking her usual beautiful self by then. Not that she is any less beautiful now. Just look at her glow.” Kibum refused to think of anyone else other than Amber. He was really going to smother the pregnant girl with love and care.

We looked at Amber and at Taemin who was wagging a finger at Kai for leaving home without breakfast. My brother would never understand pregnancy whims and fancies. Puppy went to rescue Kai from his father. Minx continued her recording of Heechul and Siwon shedding tears in each other’s arms while Duckie gloated at the success of her new plan. Amber kept eating. Kai watched her with a besotted smile and wiped her lips once in a while. Sehun tried to keep his brood of three under some sort of control. Lay was lost to the world again. Chan Yeol and Byong discussed wedding plans to which Sehun and Kai contributed occasional grunts. Uncle talked business with Ji and ignored the madness around him. Imo called Soo for a shopping trip with Ji and little Sooyoung.  

I took Kibum into the kitchen to prepare more pancakes, wanting to check if Amber could really tell the difference between the pancakes cooked by us. If Soo came with her three boys, well imo included Leeteuk in the same category as their sons, we knew that Hyukkie and DongHae would not be far behind. Kibum told Minx to call her parents-in-law to have breakfast with us, seeing no reason for them to eat peacefully at their home next door.

Where our family was concerned, more was not merrier, but hysterical. I think we fed off each other’s silliness and inanity to be even more incredibly absurd.