Joining them was the last thing that Mark wanted to do. To laugh, to have a good time, to chat and laze around, to talk about past memories, about things that had happened during the year, and all those other things weren’t really Mark’s cup of tea.

He sat down on the bench the moment they went to the park, separating himself from his friends. The group were surprised at first but decided not to push it, because from the last time they did that, Mark burst. But that was the old Mark, the Mark that they were afraid of, the Mark that no one was able to be closed with. Jackson had chills down his spine – he was scared that it was reappearing again; the old Mark was around the corner, ready to take over the last bit of the happy Mark. If they didn’t do anything sooner, if they just let him be, ‘round the corner’ could be as fast as a blink of an eye.

The untouched food was all Mark could smell and it irritated him. Everything around him bugged him the last few days – sleeping, waking up, taking a shower, eating, and especially talking made Mark cuss and go mad.

Yugyeom told him earlier to loosen up, to smile and have fun and enjoy the last few hours of 2014, Mark kicked him on the shins and told him to go away. First, the maknae’s reaction was letting out a hearty laugh, thinking that the older was just joking around but the icy glare that Mark gave him told him otherwise. This left the maknae to whimper like Shiro, then scrambled back to the group of friends, immediately reporting what happened, this made all eyes turn to Mark – he felt it, the stares, he knew they were looking but he couldn’t care less as he eyed Bambam and Yoojin talking on their own.

Oh how he wanted to run over to the two of them and rip them apart, to kick Bambam like he did to Yugyeom but only this time harder and kick him more than just one. He wanted to be the one that Yoojin was talking to, for him to be the one that she plays around with under the shining stars, but Mark knew that once he goes to where they were, she would ignore him and lower her eyes like what she has been doing. Mark started to question himself, once again.

Wasn’t he the boyfriend – the boyfriend of Yoojin? Weren’t they together? Weren’t they a couple?

Then he thought about it. They weren’t a couple; they aren’t together, Yoojin wasn’t his girlfriend and he wasn’t her boyfriend. What right did he have for him to feel jealous when they aren’t even a thing? But they like each other, the feeling, the heart beats, the sincerity is all mutual… isn’t it?

He watched as Bambam sent him a look that lingered until he passed him to go to the group of friends who were now talking about monsters, ghost, haunted memories making the maknae and Mr Wild and y go pale. Then Mark swivelled his attention to Yoojin who stood from the swing she was sitting and looked at him from where she was. They looked at each other, for as long as they could remember, they were a distance a far, but close enough to see each other’s dreaded faces.

 It was like looking at a mirror, the tired and droopy eyes, the big eye bags and dark circles, the frown on their faces, the pale face from the cold and from exhaustion. Mark studied Yoojin and she did the same, he wasn’t sure about Yoojin, but all he could think about was to wipe the sadness off Yoojin and hug her tight in his arms once again. However, Mark stayed glued to his seat and Yoojin stayed glued to the ground.

It wasn’t until Jisoo stood from where she sat and headed slowly towards Yoojin who tore her eyes off Mark who continued to watch. Jisoo asked her a question, Yoojin nodded at the question, a small smile on her face – Mark figured that Jisoo asked if she was fine and Yoojin lied to her, as obvious.

“Would you want anything?” Jisoo peered under the hair that covered Yoojin’s eyes. She caught a glance of it, red and puffy. She’s been crying. Suddenly, Jisoo felt stupid for asking her first question, of course she wasn’t fine.

“A cup of coffee would be good” she smiled once again and it tore Jisoo’s heart.

“Coffee? Of course, coffee it is. I’ll make it in the house, you stay here, or even grab a chair in the bench, or next to Mark…” Jisoo notice the slight fluster after the mention of Mark’s name, she wished she hadn’t said it, so she continued; pretending that she never spoke of him, “I’ll be real quick okay?”

“You know what? Its fine, I’ll go on my own. I can do it myself, I don’t even know why I asked you” Yoojin scratched the back of her neck sheepishly.

“I need a walk anyway, so it’s fine” Jisoo gave the other a small smile, “so stay. It’s fine. I don’t mind it”

Yoojin nodded slowly and the younger ran towards the house that they stayed in, ready to make the cup of coffee that she wanted.

She didn’t know what to do then, should she join them? But it looked like they were having such a great time, she didn’t want to be a pooper and ruin the mood with her being there since her emotions are all over the place, uncontrollable. Should she seat next to Mark? His eyes did seem to pull her, pleading, asking for her to join him, to talk to him. She shook her head, she didn’t want to talk, and she wasn’t ready for it.

Yoojin decided on following Jisoo who already disappeared inside the house, at least there it was quiet, at least her mind would be at peace, at least there… there was no Mark. Or so she thought.

The moment she entered the house, dusting her shoe, letting the sand fall off onto the big welcome mat in front of the door, the smell of coffee filled her nose. It calmed her in so many levels.

 “Yoojin?” Jisoo’s head peeped out of the hall that leads to the kitchen. She smiled, “coffee’s nearly ready. You didn’t need to come here”

The younger walked towards Yoojin, giving her jacket a rub to warm her up. The sound of the kettle reaching its end was all Yoojin could think about, it excited her and the beeps that the machine let out, indicating that the water was ready made her grin.

“You must really like coffee huh” Jisoo teased, seeing the big smile in Yoojin’s face.

“It calms me down. It’s perfect” Yoojin answered, stepping a foot forward to the kitchen.

“I see. Is it the same for you too Mark?”

Yoojin froze, her shoulders tensed. What? Mark?

“It takes my mind of things. It really is perfect” his voice seemed to echo in Yoojin’s ears. She missed it. The slight quirkiness in his voice, then it fell deep, at some words it was rough but most it was like honey – she missed Mark’s voice. She missed him.

“I’ll head to the kitchen and make you a cup too. Thank me later” Jisoo patted Mark’s chest, then she looked over at Yoojin before looking back at Mark. He placed a hand on Jisoo’s hair, his puppy eyes begged her but she returned it with a firm, demanding one.

Talk to her.

“Are you following me?” Yoojin sighed, glancing at the boy that fell a few strides behind, stopping when she stopped, and going when she goes, turning when she turns. She’s been checking over her shoulders, looking at his shadows and she was sure that he has been tailing her ever since she came outside the house after getting her cup of coffee. No, scratch that, he’s been following her ever since she strode to the house but she didn’t know, she didn’t notice.

“No” he replied, eyes not looking directly at hers. He fibbed and she knows. It was obvious anyway.

“Quit it. It’s irritating”

“Irritating?” Mark arched a brow. Yoojin had a quick flashback from when she first met Mark – cocky smile, brows that’s always arched when he was questioning, a scoff always left his lips when he hears something unbelievable, Yoojin saw all of that in a split second, she saw him again, the Mark that she first new.

She continued to walk, sipping her coffee, feeling the hot liquid go down . She closed her eyes and breathed. She wanted to calm down, wanted to relax and to ignore her racing heart and the questions in her mind. She broke cold sweat when Mark swore, clearly at her and then he reappeared in front of her. Yoojin lost her footing slightly but luckily pulled herself together.

“You’re irritated? You’re the one that’s irritated?” his voice could cut bricks. It speared her heart. he sounded so depressed and broken that she didn’t know what to do.

“I’m tired Mark” Yoojin looked up at him, and he challenged her gaze, “just leave me alone”

“I’m tired too, maybe even more than you. I’m exhausted Yoojin. I just want to close my eyes and let everything disappear, to be swallowed up in huge, dark slumber. I want to be gone from the reality even if it’s just for an hour, a minute. But I can’t because I’m thinking about things, things that scares me” He whispered, closing his eyes for a second then opened it again, slowly.

“Scares you?” Yoojin echoed, being surprised that she was even responding. It wasn’t in her mind, to talk to Mark, to have a conversation about him, to let him get to her once again, but he looked so lost that she wanted to take care of him again, and make him happy.

“Scared that once again… I’m losing someone special to me” He reached out and grabbed her empty hand. Yoojin gripped on the cup on the other hand, trying to stop herself to melt in his touch but before she knew it, she interlocked their hands together; securely, tightly, never wanting to let go.

“It’s a fear Yoojin. I’m afraid of people leaving me, I’m afraid of being forgotten, being left behind. I hate being reminded that I’m alone, to think that I’m not wanted. I’ve lost so much already, let things slipped out of my hand because I was so weak and couldn’t fight for it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people leaving my side. I hate losing others. I don’t want to lose you” Mark was hugging her now, his cheek pressed onto her head, eyes closed and heart beating, for the first time in days, normally and at such ease that the sounds of the beats were perfect, “god please, don’t make me lose you”

“I have a fear too Mark. Fear of being not good enough, fear of being a problem, of being a burden, or being a pain in the , disgust in other’s eyes. I hate being the one that causes problems, I hate being the one that always make everything wrong. I’m scared of messing up things for people that I would avoid everything just to make people safe” Yoojin answered. The familiar smell of Mark filled her nose. She wanted to cry. “I’m sick of being the one at fault because I know it… I know I’m useless and I hate being reminded that I am”

Yoojin wished that she could stay for a little longer, to feel Mark’s warmth forever, but she knew that the longer she hugged him, the harder it would be to let go. She pushed him off and he let her. He even gave her space by stepping back, drinking a cup of coffee during the serious moment. Mark thought that it was the only way to distract himself from grabbing her arm and pull her again, this time, he wanted to envelop her in his arms and hug her like there was no tomorrow. The coffee took his mind of the desperation to hold her, his hand twitched to reach for her hand but he stuffed it back into his pocket, not wanting to scare Yoojin.

“It’s okay to make mistakes isn’t it?” he asked, voice soft and careful.

Yoojin shook her head, “you don’t know how much of a failure I feel whenever something bad happens. It overpowers me, it makes me weak. I can’t control my bad jinx. I don’t want people around me to be affected. I’m horrible”

“You are not horrible. I may not know how it feels but no matter how bad it really is, no matter how much it pains you, I want you to know that it won’t be the end of the earth” Mark gave her a small smile. Yoojin didn’t respond and stayed quiet, but she didn’t look away from him, she didn’t run away. Mark couldn’t hide the fact that he just wanted time to stop.

“I’m guessing you won’t tell me what’s been happening with you anytime soon?”

“You’ll find out soon” Yoojin secretly wish that it won’t be any time sooner, maybe in the next lifetime, or perhaps never. Both sounded nice, way better than let’s say… him finding out next week, or the next day.

Mark stepped forward, back to being closed with her. She didn’t step back nor flinch, he took this as an approvable; she was comfortable with him again.

“You don’t hate me?”

Yoojin rolled her eyes. The answer was obvious, but not as obvious as she thought because there was so many butterflies in his stomach when he asked that question, he was hoping that she would say no.

Yoojin however hesitated before answering. Would it be better to confess what she truly felt or pretend that she did hate him, to fake her feelings, to push him away once again. The words that Bambam said were stuck in her head, repeating all over again, constantly reminding her.

Was it true though? That she deserves him as much as Sara does? Yoojin still doesn’t believe it, and it may take a long time before she did. Yoojin could feel Bambam’s stare, she could feel the way he held her earlier, reminding her that she was also important, maybe even more important to Mark. Bambam told her that she should fight for him. She wanted to, she really did, and then she was slowly pushing away the barrier that she built between herself and Mark. Yes, she still wants to be with him, no matter how crazy it sounds.

 No matter how pathetic it sounded, the ugly duckling was still fighting to be a swan. The ugly duckling was determined to be something that was impossible. The ugly duckling couldn’t give up, it couldn’t let go of the light that lit its world, it won’t let it slip away and turn back into darkness and dullness. The ugly duckling hoped that it will never go back to the way the light was before. The ugly duckling thought that it could stop the light from changing, so it fought once again, it went back onto its feet and tried to challenge the swan, the swan that it hoped to be.

“No. I like you” Yoojin replied, her voice small.

‘Maybe even love you’

“Glad to hear that. I was scared for a second” Mark laughed. He played with her hair; twirling it around his finger, loving the way it was so soft then tucking it away from her face, loving it even more with the fact that he could now fully see her without strands of hair acting like a curtain.

“I could never hate you Mark. Never ever” Yoojin slightly hope she did. That way it was easier. The past few days she’s been picking out things that Mark did, studying him, trying to find his flaws, all the mistakes, to find turn-offs and such, but even all of his imperfections were perfect. It was impossible to find a single thing that could turn her heart around.

Mark smiled, “same here. I can’t hate you. I won’t be able to forgive myself if I do because I’m missing out on someone so special”

The mug he drank was empty; he let it go on the floor carefully before hugging Yoojin with such force that she stumbled backwards. He caught her and childishly dipped her body. Yoojin’s empty hand made its way to holding the back of Mark’s neck, afraid of falling.

“Does this mean that it’s over? That you’ll be talking with me once again? That we’re fine?  You’ll be smiling and I’ll be smiling too? You won’t ignore me and I can forgive you? We’ll be back to normal like we were before?” Mark asked, voice low, “I mean, you don’t have to tell me what was wrong, I told you, you can tell me when you’re ready”

“i told you already didn’t I? You’ll find out sooner” Yoojin replied, her voice low too but she didn’t know the reason, it just came out like that.

“Right. I forgot” Mark threw her a wink, “so we’ll be happy again? You and I?”

Yoojin blinked. Can she be happy once again? Can she smile without any thought once again? Can she be able to look at Mark and laugh with him without feeling guilty? Could she be able to handle being with Mr and Mrs Tuan and not think about the damage that she’ll cause? Could Yoojin be able to look at Sara in the eye without feeling like a betrayer, a liar, untrustworthy? Sara told Yoojin everything, she offered to help and she was the one that was giving up on that help for her own personal wants. Yoojin was the worse person in the world and she knows that, she truly does. But she just misses everything.

The playing of Mark’s hair, the way she can curl it on her finger then it would disappear on his skull because she loves massaging his head and he loves the feeling of her massages. The way Mark’s eyes glistened happily, twinkled when he laughed and smiled making it turn into cute crescents. The way that she could swim in Mark’s voice; it was like alcohol making her drunk and get lost in its own unique ring.

The way she can hold his body, feeling his bony figure making Yoojin want to grab the closest food she could reach and stuff it in its mouth to feed him since he was so skinny, but no matter how skinny he was, no matter how much she hated his skinniness, she loved running her fingers through his limbs, his arms, his shoulders. She loved feeling his warmth underneath her palms.

Yoojin misses everything single thing that involved Mark. She missed it so much in such little time that it was crazy to think what it would be like if she would be like if she had to be away from him for years.

Sometimes it was okay to be selfish, and Yoojin was really feeling like it. Maybe Bambam was right and she did deserve to be with Mark. All Yoojin knew was that she was happy with Mark and it seemed like it was the same with him. She liked him, a lot and maybe Mark liked her a lot too. Yoojin was scared of Sara, scared of what will happen in the future, but just this time, even if it will be short, she wanted to experience the things that she used to do with Mark, even if there really is an end to it soon.

“Yes Mark, we’ll be happy once again” she finally responded.

‘I hope we’ll be happy once again’

The time they spent talking to each must’ve been a long time because in the background Mark could hear the shouts of his friends doing the countdown. It will be a new year soon in a few seconds. It felt unreal. The first few months was hectic and Mark hated it, but when Yoojin came he began to have a reason to wake up every morning knowing that he will enjoy his day as long as he sees Yoojin, he knows that, that day will be perfect if Yoojin would be with him because Yoojin makes everything right, even if she thinks that she is the one that ruins everything.

Yoojin heard it too; she heard her friends happily counting down together as whole. She didn’t even think for a second that she’ll be here, with her group of friends in a holiday, to get to see the sea, to not worry about her mother being sick once again because Yoojin now knows she was safe in the Tuan household, maybe even doing a little countdown herself with Mr and Mrs Tuans, as well with the other workers. Yoojin would have never thought that she could be this happy that her cheeks hurt from smiling. She could never have thought that she would attend school, make friends, meet new ones and even like someone, to have someone special to her.

The year for both of them was different, it was amazing. It changed both of their life; it created a new self, a happier one. The year flew by so past that they both didn’t want it to end, but it had too. Both of them secretly were worried that the next year won’t be the same, that it would be completely different. But worrying about that was the last thing they could think about, not when they were both looking at each other’s eyes, heart racing, tummy flipping, still smiling.

Mark didn’t even realise his arms were going numb from carrying her in a dip for so long, Yoojin didn’t even realise her back ache for being bent. They didn’t care about anything, they couldn’t think about anything else except for each other.

“THREE!”

Mark slowly, hesitantly dipped his head slightly, brushing his lips on her forehead. Both felt the electrifying tingle when they touched. But it was a good tingle, addicting even.

“TWO!”

Mark then aimed slightly lower, adjusting his body so she was comfortable, so that he wouldn’t drop her. This time, his lips gave an innocent peck on her left cheek, lasting a little longer than it earlier. Their heart pounded so hard that it was hard to hear the upcoming shouts from their friends, and when they did, the heart beat even louder and harder.

“ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

The shouts were louder, rapid footsteps came to those who grabbed the legal fireworks that they bought to the beach, lighting them up for the celebrations. Happy laughter, happy screams of joys, face smiling brightly as they huddled together excitedly as they become one, even accepting Sara, even if it was just for a day, an evening because it was a happy moment, such an incredible memory that they didn’t want to ruin.

They turned their head as the fireworks started, feeling the sky, burting into loud whizzes as it shot through the dark and exploded into thousands of beautiful colours, amazing shapes – such breathtaking view.

It wasn’t the only thing that exploded, it wasn’t the only thing that was breathtaking because Mark had captured Yoojin’s lip. The cup in Yoojin’s hands dropped to the floor, shattered because she was so flustered by Mark, but she could pick that up later, she didn’t have time to worry about such thing right then.

They both wanted to forget about everything, about the past commotions, the small arguments, especially the past days, they didn’t want to remember bad memories so together they forced it out of their minds, filling it in by remembering good memories. They stayed in their own little world, in each other’s embrace, loving the tranquillity and connection that only they could feel.

But the ugly duckling forgot, it forgot how wrong it was to pretend to be someone that you are not, to force yourself that you are this when you are not. The ugly duckling played to be a swan.

Mark and Yoojin’s moment?

It was only the calm before the storm.

Author's Note:

Oh my god, I'm sorry if i sounded way to emotional in this chapter.. i just... ugh... i dont even know what's wrong with me. Forgive me and my horrible awkwardness with love and romance and feelings. Here's an iron to straighten those curled up fingers. Hahaha. Oh anyways, hope you're looking forward to the next chapter as per usual *smirks and winks* Love you all xx