Mark threw a questioning look at Yoojin as the other guys were already on their way to their stay that Sara provided them. Jr saw his friend hesitating so he pulled Mark with him, telling him not to worry so much. Jr looked at Sara’s eyes, he sent her a look, a look of threat. “I’ll trust you” Jr mouthed to Sara, he trusted Yoojin in her care, he’s trusting Sara not to do anything to Sara. Sara nodded, catching what she said. Of course, Jr didn’t change- still trying his best to keep the ones he cares about safe. Sara was stuck-up yes, but she was no total . She felt slightly offended that Jr thought that he needed to look back to Sara to check if she had any bad intentions, but she didn’t blame them, even she didn’t trust herself.

Mark let himself be dragged, his bag felt heavy as he slung it over his arm. He saw Jr mouth something to the girls behind them, he looked back wanting to know who he was talking to but JB shouted at the two guys that were lacking behind, telling them to hurry up or he’ll lock the door on them, even if he didn’t own the house himself. Jr sent a reassuring smile at Mark, not wanting him to ask the question Jr thinks that Mark wanted to ask. The two turtles sped up and got in the place on time before JB slammed the door on their faces.

It was a two storey beach-house, the land wasn’t wide but Yoojin could tell just by looking at it that the land was long. 6Mix and Yoojin waited until Sara finished talking to the drivers, giving them their pay for their day’s work and wishing them a safe drive back. She turned and raced to the door, apologising that it took her a long time to finish her business.

“Its fine” Lena told her, leaning on the veranda’s railway, watching Sara unlock the door. Before she opened the door, Sara tossed a key at both Jisoo and Cecilia who hissed when she did so.

“Keys for your rooms” She turned to Yoojin, a smile on her face, a smile that made Yoojin shiver, freaked with the glint in her eyes.

 “You’re with me! Roommates!”

 Lena pushed her body weight off the railings, snorting in the process, “Uh, I don’t think so. Yoojin you share with the girls, I’ll go with you Miss Li” Lena grabbed her bags and was about to head inside but Sara pulled her arm back.

 “Why can’t I be with Yoojin?” Sara flicked a hair at Yoojin’s direction who stood there, like a statue. “Do you hate me?”

 Yoojin could only shake her head, scared to open her mouths.

“Then” Sara smiled at the poor girl, “let’s head” Sara went ahead first and Yoojin followed, giving the girls an apologetic smile and a reassuring hold of hands.

The room that Yoojin shared with Sara was the very far left of the house, by the looks of it, it seemed like the biggest but then again, Yoojin haven’t seen the other rooms. She made a mental note to herself to check the other rooms before heading to bed that night.

It felt too luxurious and massive for it to be a two bedded room, of course, people with money could get anything with just a click of a finger even if they really don’t need the things. The extra spaces of the rooms certainly wasn’t something that Yoojin felt comfortable with because her old home was small but it was cozy, perfect for a two person house. It was just right. The room was massive creating a huge space between the beds, no matter how much Yoojin thought that it was a waste, she internally thanked the designers because that means she didn’t need to come across Sara – Yoojin was slightly, if not, really scared of her.

Yoojin liked the feeling of the black fluffy rug that stretched across the room. It tickled her bare feet as she walked all over it, making her giggle happily. Sara, who was at the balcony, looked behind her shoulder at Yoojin. Seeing Sara’s judging eyes, Yoojin cleared and stepped off the rug feeling like a total kid compared to Sara who was sitting on one of the hanging egg chair that faced the sea.

“Come” Sara told her, her voice was soothing completely different from her expression. She hesitantly stepped up the short levelled floor and slid the door more that separated the room to the balcony.

“It feels nice” Sara sighed, leaning back into the chair. She smiled at Yoojin as she slowly sat on the other hanging egg chair, careful not to break it. When she was sure that it could hold her weight and not crumble down, Yoojin huddled up her legs and sat cross-legged while hugging the pink cushion that she took from the room.

Sara was in the middle of writing some stuff into the book that was on her lap, Yoojin couldn’t help but to take a peek and by the looks of it Sara was writing a diary entry but everything was in Taiwanese which is why Yoojin couldn’t understand what it was about. Sara bit the end of her pen, thinking what to write then looked to her side, catching Yoojin staring at her book. Yoojin flushed in embarrassment when she knew she got caught in her acts. “s-s-sorry. I didn’t mean t-”

“What do you think about the society right now?” Sara questioned her voice low. Yoojin didn’t know why she felt like hugging the pillow more into her body, clutching it tightly. She didn’t like Sara’s sudden commentary, she didn’t like to talk about what she thinks especially at such subject that she hated.

 The society right now, in Yoojin’s eyes, are just influenced by what you see in the media. Rude, uptight teenagers, doing stuff that they shouldn’t but does it anyway because apparently its ‘cool’. Body weight and body image had completely change because it was said that beautiful meant being skinny when it wasn’t. Yoojin looked down her legs, they weren’t perfect, but she preferred it other than stick thins. She had so much negative comments about the society, like the power of money and level of the hierarchy. You can’t do anything if you’re weak, if you have no status, if you don’t have money.

 Yoojin wanted to blab on and on about what she thought, what she believed but she bit it down, not wanting to look like a whiney kid to Sara. She didn’t know why she was so afraid of Sara. It wasn’t like she was afraid of Sara’s status, not because she was afraid of losing to Sara… she just simply didn’t want to get close to her, not wanting to open up to her, maybe because Yoojin knew there was so much more to Sara than what others think, Yoojin was scared of knowing the real Sara for unknown reason.

“It’s pretty hectic right? The whole world right now. Racism, negative comments about beliefs and all that” Sara answered, giving up when Yoojin didn’t answer her after 5 minutes.

“The results are even scarier, the consequences… and…” Yoojin mumbled.

Sara twisted her chair to face Yoojin; she stared at her right in the eyes. “I have a condition, a disorder. I get attacks, migraine here and there” Sara lightly laughed when Yoojin’s eyes widened, when her jaw dropped to the floor after hearing her commentary. She knew it was sudden, Sara was even flustered that she revealed it. Yoojin was the second person that knows, excluding her family. Bambam, of course, was the first.

“I just thought you needed to know. You looked pretty interested in what I was writing” Sara waved her book up, “I need to write what I was feeling, what I ate, my thoughts so everything will be fine and so I can calm my body down.

Yoojin whispered a ‘sorry’ before lowering her eyes. She apologised partly for being nosy, for peeking over her shoulders, for wanting to know what she wrote and the other part is for not knowing that Sara had issues in her life. Yoojin was disappointed at herself. She figured that Sara was perfect because she had everything, the house, the money, the face, the body, the future, Yoojin would never knew that she was also struggling. At such a young age that is.

“I didn’t leave Mark on purpose you know. I’m not such a witch but yes, I am a wuss. I was such a wuss that I couldn’t handle the fact that something was wrong with me and kind of blank out. I… I…. I… just thought of bad stuff all the time” Sara bit her lip, wanting to hit herself because shook like crazy.

“I cried, I get massive shocks at the smallest things, crying over stuff and making a big deal out of everything. I was young and panicked and the next thing I knew I broke it off. I didn’t know how or why but it just happened, I told him we were over and flew to America” Sara ran a hand through her hair while the other clutched the sleeves of her coat to stop it from shaking. She tried to swallow down the regret and guilt that she felt. It was a first for her, to come out. She never pictured herself talking about it to someone especially to Yoojin who was the girl that the one she had feelings for liked.

Flashback:

Sara tried to bit the smiles on her lips, wanting to hold in the screams of joy that she wanted to show but hid anyways. The lady in front of her laughed, thinking that her granddaughter was cute trying to not to let the inner fangirl out. Sara always liked being seen as someone who was mature, independent and showing a cute side of where was something that she couldn’t really tolerate doing. It was almost rare seeing Sara acting cute.

“it’s a definite?” Sara repeated, almost laughing. Grandmother Li sipped her cup of tea, nodding at the young girl. “so… I’m going back to”

“Korea, yes correct my dear” Grandmother Li reached over to the papers on her table. It was the contract that she had her assistant write up for the arrangement with the Tuans. “the Tuans called a little before you came back from school. They needed help, and immediately thought of something. We’ll meet them over dinner tonight, you’ll learn everything in detail there”

Sara left the office with a bounce in each step that she made. The worker that took care of Sara was flabbergasted seeing the Young Mistress acting the way she was. Whatever happened at the office was obviously good news. An extremely good news that made Sara act like she was in the land that’s only filled with happiness, rainbows, sunshine and beautiful unicorns.

She smoothed down her hair, looking at her refection through her phone’s screen. The driver started the car and as soon as she heard the engines start, butterflies appeared in her tummy. Within a matter of minutes Sara would be meeting the Tuan’s once again after incident and it wont be long until she could finally finalised the papers which meant she’ll be back in Korea once again – the place she called home even if she only spent a couple of years there.

“painkillers mistress?” Her butler asked her, looking behind to where she was sitting. Sara dug into her shoulder bag, shaking the bottle of pills when she spotted it but there was no rattles heard. Sara didn’t know why it made her heart heavy, the pills were finished a lot earlier than usual. This meant that she used it a lot during the past weeks. The butler saw her sadden expression and gave her filled bottle, “its okay Miss. You’re doing great”

Sara didn’t feel like she was doing great, she didn’t even feel like she was doing okay. She felt like during the past weeks were the worse ones that she had experience. It was so bad that she had troubles sleeping. She didn’t want to have insomnia. She was already suffering enough.

 Why her? Why must she have to go through all of this? Why must anyone have to suffer through such things? It was unfair. It was unfair because Sara knew she would have to live through it, knowing she won’t heal sooner, or maybe ever.

She wanted a happy life, a comfortable life but everything was ruined. Sara really wanted to roll down the windows and throw her pills out but she knew how badly she needed them, it was no good for her if they’re gone. She requested her butler to play some music, that way she could block out the thoughts that was going through her minds.

It was closed to being 2 years after her separation with Mark, 2 years not being able to see him, hear him, feel him. To others, 2 years might not sound long, but to Sara it felt like a lifetime. She remembered all the things they both said the night she broke off everything. She remembered how Mark begged her, oh how she just wanted to go into her arms and cry until she passed out, but she couldn’t back down, she had lied so much to him already, she had already gotten to the point where she said she had found another, that she used him. It was no use taking everything back.

That was the hardest part- lying. Honestly, telling Mark that she wanted to end it, that she never liked him was painful. There was no one else that she liked that night, the words slipped out of without even knowing. She blabbered on, spewing out words that she wanted to swallow back and instead beg Mark to hold her, to tell her that everything will be alright, but she couldn’t do it.

She couldn’t stand him also struggling, to try and help her, to feel useless because even Sara knew that he could do anything to make the problems to disappear... but maybe, if she did tell him it would make her happier. She would still see him, she would still be with him and everything was okay just as long as Mark was there beside her. Why didn’t Sara thought about it sooner. It was too late to turn back time, too late to take back the lies. 

The hardest part that night was when Sara had to turn her back to him but Mark called for her once again, he did the thing that she hated. He held her back but she had to brush him off. Sara was constantly telling herself the moment she was inside the taxi that it was finish, that it was done. She and Mark were finished, and she never thought she would be the one that did it. She cried so badly that night that the taxi driver had to stop the car during the ride to check if she was alright because she didn’t calm down even if minutes passed, she still didn’t calm down when she reached her home.

She just wanted to break down and cry but what good would that too?  Instead she was soulless the entire night and the night after that was when she left to America without telling any of her friends.

She was completely dead for a good 5 months, it was as if she was numb and couldn’t feel anything, she hated everything and everyone, it was until her mother pointed out being depressed would make her illness even worse, that’s when she decided that it was time to start living because her sickness was already enough, what would she do if it gets into a whole new level?

The thought of that was terrifying. Back in the days when they were still together was when her whole sickness was new to her, it hit her pretty hard in the head when she found out she had an disorder, it felt uncomfortable to have those thoughts in her head, it was even scarier when she suddenly feels so mad and depressed because she knows when those days happen she could actually murder a person just to release that stress she was having.

 That was the main reason of her leaving Mark, she was so scared of doing something to Mark because she didn’t know how to control her illness, and just having the thought of physically hurting Mark would be something she could ever forgive herself of.

 It became a fear of hers, a fear of one day her illness becomes stronger and becomes out of hand and she won’t be able to know what she could be capable of doing. It literally swallowed her brain and thinking about all the negative things lead to another illness especially migraine headaches; with hers being so painful that it makes her scream in pain.

Having to fight for two years without anyone truly caring for her was dreadful, the days always seemed to be dragged on longer than it should be, and you needed a lot of love and support. It was never good to fight eating disorder alone, she needed others, she needed people to comfort her, but company was close to being impossible in Sara’s case. Nevertheless she wasn’t the type of person to whine and give up, no matter how hard it was she stood firm.

Her parents were never home and at school people found her weird and rather uncomfortable to be around, but once again, she was determined not to break down and built a personality that was almost bulletproof- her outer shelf was strong and hard to breakdown; well that’s what she thought.

Even though she had disorder, she knew that it isn’t good enough to say that it was the reason of leaving Mark, no reason could explain properly why she left Mark, there was no reason that could make Mark forgive her for what she did. If she was in Mark’s position, she would never be able face herself without having the thoughts of punching her, let alone be forgiven.

The Tuans looked tired, both looked like they barely had any good night sleep for a long time. Sara thought that Mrs Tuan was looking a whole lot skinnier than per usual and seeing her look so weak made Sara want to hold her hand tight but she couldn’t even walk over to the table where they sat. She couldn’t find the courage to face them after doing what she did with their son, for leaving them without any notice and for not talking to them for such a long time.

Grandmother Li pulled the chair beside her out when she saw her granddaughter at the doorway of the restaurant. Sara’s butler led her to the table and Sara lowered her eyes and let herself be led. The file that Grandmother Li had in front of her a few hours beforehand was now in front of Sara. She saw that Mr and Mrs Tuan had already signed it. They looked away from Sara’s eyes, but she had a feeling it wasn’t because they were mad at her or because they hated her, it was like they were ashamed.

Sara hesitantly flipped through the pages, reading it but te words muddled in her mind and it started to hurt. As she read a few lines her heart raced abnormally, her breath shortened and she felt dizzy. She clutched the table cloth, wandering why she was panicking.

‘Not now. Not in front of the Tuans’

Sara was begging herself to calm down, to take deep breaths but with every breath she took in she choked on it, her eyes brimmed with angry tears. Mr Tuan stood up to help her but Grandmother Li told him not to worry about her and sent a signal to Sara’s butler, sliding a glass of water in front of Sara while she does so.

The butler took out a pill and placed it in Sara’s hands, leading it to her lips, whispering words to her slowly. Sara looked at the widen eyes of the Tuans, she had no choice but to pretend that it was a normal thing and drank the pills. It reacted instantly, she felt her body calm down but her body felt hot. She hated the fact that the Tuans had to see her at such a state.

Grandmother Li explained to the Tuans, she told them everything and Sara was annoyed. They nodded slowly as they listened and even sent millions of pitied looks at Sara which made her even more annoyed. She had enough of those gazes; every worker in the house always looked at her with the same pity in their eyes. It made Sara feel small, it made her feel different from the others. She didn’t like being differently because she wasn’t different.

She took a deep breath and read over the contract once again, “arrange marriage” she whispered. “it will be good for the Tuan’s, since we’ll give some of our shares and all they have to do is combine our business together once you two, the heirs to this company will be together legally. Right now, it’s just an engagement, you guys won’t get married till legal age so don’t be to hype about that thought” Grandmother Li told the girl slowly, a hint of playfulness in her voice, knowing her granddaughter’s heart.

Her hands slowly went for the pen that Mrs Tuan handed to her, she wanted to say yes to it the moment she read it. The idea… the idea was something that she obviously liked but she still cant face Mark. She thought she was already ready to see him again, turned out she was weaker than she though especially when Mark’s in the picture, she felt helpless. She was used to Mark leading her on to everything, she was used to Mark treating her like a little kid that she always said annoyed her but she actually loved it.

After some thoughts, Sara finally made her decision. She missed him treating her wanting her to feel special, she missed him laughing at everything she said wanting her to feel acknowledge, she missed him complimenting her everyday wanting her to feel loved. If she went back… maybe things would be the same as always. Sara hoped that everything will remain the same.

End of Flashback:

“He’s all I need. After were together again, after I feel like he doesn’t hate me… I can move on, but he won’t spare even a glance at my direction” It came out as a shaky whisper.

 Yoojin needed Mark too, she needed him more than she needed anyone, but she didn’t know if Mark needed her, she didn’t know if Mark wanted her. It’s not that she didn’t like Mark, but it was because she liked him a lot that she had to think about this situation very clearly. However because of her affection towards him, it made it scary to think that he will go nowhere in life even if it was painted right in front of him because of her, she wants all good things to happen to Mark, she wants him to feel proud and happy with what he does and how he lives. If he was going to be successful, he needed to pick the right path choice.

Mr and Mrs Tuan was in a desperate situation as well, they’re doing their very best to keep everything to place, to keep their precious business and not let it be demolished right in front of their eyes. The sudden money problems turned the tables around for the Tuan’s and Mr Tuan was afraid that it might be the end for them. The business and companies that they built for many years with some being passed down to them was slowly crumbling down

The Tuan’s have done so much to Yoojin and her mum that she can’t thank them enough, but instead of giving them the help that she wanted them to received, they were getting more and more troubles ahead. Yoojin can’t help but to think that it’s partly her fault even if Mark and the others say that she had no reason to feel guilty.

If it wasn’t for the Tuans then where would Yoojin and her mum be right now?

Everything was because of the Tuans, because they had a roof above their head, because they were eating proper meals every day, because they barely had to worry about money problems and because Yoojin was able to experience the school life she had always dream about was all because of the Tuans.

Maybe if Yoojin thinks about it seriously, wouldn’t it be better if she hands down Mark to Sara, but just thinking about it was hurting Yoojin deeply. For the sake for their happiness, Yoojin was going to be open-minded in this situation and is going to go with the path she believes was right.

Jukyung slung her arm around Yoojin, laughing at something that Youngjae said, whatever it was must’ve been really funny because Jukyung sounded like a hyena. Yoojin cringed and pushed her friend away who pouted looking slightly hurt.

“Yoojin!” Mark waved at her with thongs in his hands standing in front of the barbecue next to Bambam who was too busy fixing the sound system instead of helping Mark with cooking.

“He’s useless…. Come and help me instead” He sent a wink, his arms were inviting. Yoojin saw Sara at the side, not knowing how to walk up to the group. “Sara you help him instead, I need to do something first” Yoojin slowly nodded at Sara, telling her to go along with her plan. Mark opened his mouth to argue but Yoojin already walked away.

During dinner, she didn’t speak a word to Mark but focused on chatting with Jr even if the conversations were a little bit random or off. She didn’t look at anywhere else except for her plate of food and Jr. Sara was sitting on the far side of the table, Mark beside her – Yoojin had planned the seating plan. Other’s furrowed their brows at Yoojin suspiciously but she made jokes to cover it up.

She decided to help Sara, even if it didn’t really mean much. She’s allowed Sara to have more moments with Mark while she is trying to force herself to not be attached with Mark, because she always looked for him wherever they are, she depended on him way too much it was dangerous. It was a win-win for both sides.

It wasn’t the choice that Yoojin thought she would be making, well not this early. It hasn’t even been a long time when the two became together. Yes she can break up with Mark, she could end the relationship that they didn’t even fully started. Mark could be with the girl that he’s supposed to be with, that he had been with at the past, the girl that he’s better off with. Sara liked him sincerely… well that was what it looked like. Sara could be happy when she’s with Mark, Sara could slowly heal if they are back together.

Yoojin can break every ties she had with Mark, but she knows that she can never ever let go of him. Even if it meant liking him from afar while he goes on with his life happily and how he’s supposed to, not taking care of the worker of his house in school and at home. He was like a baby sitter to Yoojin, always making sure she was safe. Yoojin believed that he only does it because he feels like he need too. Maye Yoojin could even be with Bambam if she starts to develop feelings for him once again. Its filled with maybes, the future cannot be answered with a straight forward statement because no one knows what will happen.

Yoojin just wished that whatever does happen will somehow lead to a happy ending.

Sara smiled at her, Yoojin could feel her heart. Sara was as devoted to Mark as much as she was. Yoojin could trust her. Hopefully she made the right decision.

Author's Note:

i know a lot of you hated this idea the first time round, and all i could say is that i'm sorry but i dont think i'll change the plans for this story. I also wants to just say that; having a sickness/disorder/illness is something that no one and anyone could joke about and i hope none of you are viewing it like i am making a joke out of it, because i'm not. I just wanted to point out that there can be people out there who can be struggling and not show it like Sara, i just hope that the people that are on the same boat have talked or will talk about it to someone, because talking does help.