Checking Up

I’ve been so nervous since earlier ‘cause today’s the day when I’ll checkup my condition. If it got worse, then I will have no choice but to undergo a surgery. And if it’s better, that means the illness have gone, but not yet completely.

But, if it was still the same, then I have to choose between two, surgery or not. It’s a matter of life and death.

I went out from home at 5 in the morning. Then I walked to the hospital. Fortunately, the hospital opens for 24 hours a day. But, I don’t know when my doctor will come.

Outside my home was really quiet. The grandfathers who were always out at this hour went away for vacation. One of them was staying at his friend’s home.

So, peaceful.

I walked in between the city. Amongst all the tall building, the white hospital really stood out.

I went inside, greeted some familiar nurses and doctors. And, some cleaner whom I knew.

“Good morning”, they said, while bringing a toilet plunger.

“Good morning”

I went towards the receptionist table. The two receptionist who were really close to my doctor greeted me and asked me using banmal (*casual speech). “The usual ?”, they asked.

I nodded.

One of them called to check my doctor.

“He’s at the usual room”, he said.

“Thank you”

I knew all of them, not all, but almost, because I’ve been coming here often. And they seem to becoming more and more familiar with me. There was once a cleaner who swore at me, because I accidentally broke the closet. And since then, he always called me .

That hurts ><.

Eh well, we’re close right now. A hyung-dongsaeng relationship in fact.

“So, how are your conditions ? You haven’t been coming here for a while, huh ?”, my doctor said, checking his patient notice.

“Yeah”

“So, did you make any friends ?”

“I did. I even got to do that boys’ talk that you used to tell me”

“Wow… That’s quite a huge thing that you’ve did. You must be pretty happy”

“Totally”

“Now, let’s check your condition”

“Okay”

My doctor puts on his stethoscope and started examining my heartbeat. He did the examination in order, just like usual.

“So how is it, doc ?”

“It’s…”, he said, “still the same”

It wasn’t a surprise. I knew that he would say it. Just, I felt that I expected something better.

“You need to undergo a surgery, or wait again. Your choice. If I were you, I would have chosen to undergo a surgery from the first place. But, it’s a matter of life and death, so you choose”

“But if I undergo it, my age will be shorter right ?”

“I never knew about that”

“What’s the better way ?”

My doctor hesitated to answer. I knew exactly what’s in his mind right now. ‘Surgery, of course’.

“Surgery”, he said.

“G…Give me some time”

I went out of the doctor’s room a while later. After I said to give me some time, my doctor just nodded and continued to write my examination report.

And the last thing he said was,

“I’ll wait. But when the time comes, then that’s when your future will be chosen. Not by your hands anymore, but by His hands”

I was sure that my doctor also worried about me. But still, he let me choose the answer.

You know, the reason that I didn’t want to undergo a surgery is that because my age will become shorter. It could even end in a week, or five days, or maybe, I won’t be here tomorrow.

And maybe, an hour after it finished, I maybe won’t be there. I won’t be lying on top of the white bunk bed, watching those TV channels.

My home will be quiet and peaceful. With only my things that left unpacked.

I was scared.

Although I really wanted to live, I can never escape the reality. When it’s gone, then it’s meant to be gone forever. And then, only dust left behind.

Not a single person could escape reality. ‘Cause they happen everyday in our life, while dreams only happen once or twice in a person’s life.

Not everyone knows how the feeling is to be sick, lying on that white bunk beds everyday, and only eating that boring hospital food.

It’s like, the end of your life is coming.

Right now, all I can see is the pitch black color on the ceiling. While the bright blue blanket of mine has gone black.

Why am I born unlike those normal people ? That question came again.

I wish to turn back time. No, I wish I was born as a normal people. Because for the first time in my life, I finally have someone that I like. I got friends, girls and guys. I got many experience.

I wish I was able to stay with them for like forever.

Okay, I’ve got my answer.

I’ll wait.

I know, I’m an idiot. At least, I don’t want to die before I confess to Suzy. That’s for sure.

Sorry that I’m such an idiot. But, I like you.