Days Before

A sound of chirping birds, the red sun waking up from the east, and the sound "ting" from the toaster.

"Morning, Mr. Toast. Do you want a strawberry jam or blueberry ?"

Mr. Toast wanted strawberry for today. Wait. Don't think I'm a kid or what, I was just bored.

I sat down on my sofa and ate Mr. Toast with strawberry jam on top.

Crunch, crunch, crunch. It's too crunchy, so I thought it was overcooked.

And, it really did. Before I knew it, Mr. Toast was covered with black crunches everywhere. What worse was I already ate it half.

"I ate it !!! No !!! My precious tummy !!!"

I jumped around my home like a crazy person. And I didn't even know why I did that. Ah geez... I might get indigestion after this.

Just then, a sudden sound of the doorbell came. I stopped my jumping in an instant. I walked towards the door and opened a bit. I peeked through the hole, wondering who it was.

“Hyung, are you home ?”

Kai’s voice came through from the small hole.

In an instant, I opened the door and saw Kai standing in front of my doorstep with his usual comfortable clothes.

“Kai ! Come in ! Come in !”

“Hyung. I brought jajangmyeon”, Kai said, handing me a white plastic bag.

“Did you order it ?”

“Nope. I got this from my friend. He didn’t want to eat it ‘cause he already ate another food. So I brought it here. And fortunately, there are two jajangmyeon”

“Let’s have that for lunch !”

“Uh… I can’t. I have an appointment for lunch”

“I see… How ‘bout now ?”

“I’m still full. Ah, hyung. You can eat it with Suzy”

Kai gave me a mischievous smirk. I knew what he was thinking. You know it too right ? Right ? Of course. It’s easy to be guessed.

“No. I’ll have that for dinner”

“Okay. It’s a pity you didn’t want to eat that with Suzy. You know, the romantic feelings if the two of you ate together. It’s nice”

“I’ll have that for dinner”

“Okay. I’ll stay here for a while. What’s the TV’s playing ?”

“I Hear Your Voice*”

(*I Hear Your Voice is a 2013 Korean Drama starring Lee Bo Young, Lee Jong Suk and Yoon Sang Hyun)

“You watch this kind of drama ?”

“The TV just played it so I watched it”

“Oh…  I thought you were into this kind of drama”

“I didn’t. I often watch Running Man just because the TV’s playing it”

The both of us sat in front of the table which distanced us with the TV. I made some jasmine tea before and poured it into Kai’s cup and mine.

I drank a sip of the jasmine tea. Looking elegant. And then I focused on the TV.

I watched “I Hear Your Voice” for two days. ‘Cause the TV’s playing that drama.

It’s interesting. And, I kinda like Lee Jong Suk when he played this movie. I wondered how people managed to make this kind of film. Korea sure has improved the dramas a lot. Even those weirdest drama can be interesting.

Just then, Kai slapped my shoulder.

“Wake up hyung. How can you fell asleep with your eyes open ?”

“I didn’t”

“You didn’t even budge a little when I tickled you”

“Well maybe I didn’t felt that”

“’Cause you fell asleep”

“I didn’t. I was just enjoying the jasmine tea”

“Eii… It’s just a tea. By the way hyung, I was curious earlier when you were daydreaming”

“About ?”

“Your childhood. I saw that part when Lee Jong Suk was still a kid and he can hear someone’s inner voice. I never heard about your childhood before. So, how was it ?”

“Childhood…”

Thinking back about my childhood is a thing I’ve never done before. I promised to myself not to think about matters at the past. But it seems like I have to do it now.

“My childhood, it’s far from the word “nice”. My Dad died when I was young. And my Mom started to work overseas. I never saw her again since then. When I was at the age of five, I lived with my sister. But now, I didn’t know where she was. I could say that, I lost contact with all my family members”

“Really ?”

“Yup. There’s a time when I almost died ‘cause of my allergy. I didn’t have anyone with me that time, so I quickly ran out from my home and shouted for help. Fortunately, there’s someone right beside. He quickly called the ambulance when I can hardly breathe. A while after, the ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I was in pain, and my heart ache so much.

When I was at the emergency room, the doctor quickly checks up on me, and I had to do a surgery that time. But neither me nor that person didn’t have any money. So, I declined it. The doctor told me to do the surgery, he even forced me to. But, I didn’t want it. And so, he told me to come to the hospital every day and do a check up”

“Is that why you got that illness”

“What illness ?”

“Hyung, the day when you fainted, it’s because your illness has gotten worse right ?”

I was confused, and nervous at the same time when Kai said that. I’ve never told anyone about my illness, but Kai… He knew.

“W-What do you mean ?”

“I heard the doctors talking that night. Is that true ?”

So, Kai wasn’t asleep that time. I knew something felt weird the moment the doctors talked about me.

I never knew this would happen.

“Sigh… Things have gotten complicated”

I rested my arms on top of the sofa and bent my head down.

“Hyung, sorry for asking. Even if it was just a bit, I hoped you can just tell me. I’m your friend. You can just rely on someone. Isn’t it bothersome to have so many secrets that you keep by yourself. Hyung, remember, in this world, you aren’t alone. There is always someone waiting for you. Can’t you just try to trust on someone ?”

After that, Kai went home. He brought one of his jajangmyeon and went back.

The moment he opened the door, I felt that, I won’t be able to see him anymore. Which is somehow making me losing my smile.

I knew I just need to trust someone. But, when I can’t even trust myself, I don’t have any privileges to trust others.

Days before, the doctor told me that if I have a best friend, I could tell them about my illness. It’s just that… Sigh…

I’m afraid to hurt people.  And just now, I hurt my friend.

Sorry, Kai. I wish I could just be like you.

I closed my eyes, and thinks about my childhood. Even though I tried not to, but, only for today, let me be a different person.

That night, I wondered how many times I’ve shed tears. I couldn’t sleep, and I kept thinking about what Kai has said before.

I’ll feel lonely again, that’s what I thought.

“Sigh… Just what is waiting for me tomorrow ?”