This letter. It's been on my mind practically the whole day. It can never leave my thoughts. No matter how much I wanted it to. It always came back, as if it were a boomerang. Whooshing through the air. Returning to its owner.

 

I don't know, but I felt like Shin Yeong was someone I can confide in. Someone I can trust with this sort of information. From what I perceive of Shin Yeong so far, we aren't that much different from each other. We're both hurting in many ways. Maybe more than the other. Maybe less than the other. And we both try our very best to hide and store away our feelings. We both refuse to tell anyone else what we're feeling inside, our thoughts, what hurts us, the pain we've experienced and would never go away.

 

Shin Yeong knows what it's like to lose her mother. Although another woman is in place of her mother, it's still not the same. Not at all. Not one bit. She no longer feels the presence of her real mother. The person that brought her into this world. The person she can always confide in. 

 

I too lost my mother, but unlike Shin Yeong, no one is in her place. Come to think of it, it wouldn't matter if someone else was in her place or not. No matter what, I'll still be hurting inside. I'll still hold the pain of her leaving me. I'll still won't be able to feel her presence and do the things we did together. 

 

I hated my mother when she left me. I'm sure Shin Yeong feels the same. But as I think about it more, it's not our mothers that we hate, it's what they did that we hate. The fact that they left us is what brings us pain. The fact that they left us is what causes us to hurt inside. I can stand at the top of a building, yelling out to the world how much I hated my mother. But I know that all that yelling, all those words, will all just be lies.

 

So when Shin Yeong asked me, "Are you gonna read it?" I honestly was at a loss for words. This morning, when I went to get the mail, I stopped dead in my tracks when my eyes landed on the letter. I did a double take, just to make sure that it was her. And it was. The letter was addressed to our home. And it was addressed to me. This letter was meant for me. But why do I feel like I shouldn't read it?

 

I feel like when I read it, it will only bring back painful memories. My past will just come spewing back in my head. Returning from the depths of my mind. Haunting me, yet again. I honestly thought about discarding it right away. But I don't know, a part of me didn't want to do it just yet. A part of me actually wanted to read it. It actually wanted to know the contents of the letter. It actually wants to know what my mother, after so many years, is finally gonna say to me.

 

Looking at Shin Yeong, as she stared at the letter in my hands, I couldn't quite get what she was feeling. Was she feeling jealousy? Or perhaps hate? Envy maybe? Or probably a mixture of all three? But I knew for one thing that she wanted to know its contents. She wanted to know what my mother has written to me. Shin Yeong and I sat there for a while, staring at the letter in my hands. I ran my fingers along the envelope, checking, yet again, to see if it was real. And that it's not just my imagination and my mind playing tricks on me. And if what I hold in my hands even exists. Then, Shin Yeong looked up at me. Again, I couldn't tell what she was feeling. 

 

"Sehun..." Shin Yeong began. "You should read it."

 

From the way she said it, I can see now that my question has been answered. I should read it. I need to read it. I opened the envelope, slowly, as if every second of this event is memorable. I slid the letter out of the envelope and unfolded it. I noticed my mother's handwriting, so neat, clean, and organized. Didn't change a bit. For some reason, I didn't read the letter in my head. I wanted Shin Yeong to read it the same time I was. So instead, I read the letter out loud. For her to hear.

 

Dear Sehun,

 

I don't know where to begin. Where to start. It's been so many years. You probably hate me right now. You don't know how many times I've tried writing this letter to you. I didn't even know if I should even write a letter to you. I've done many things to hurt you and to cause you pain. You probably wanted to tear this up and forget about it completely. I'm glad you didn't. 

 

Remember that game we used to play together? Crop? If you don't remember it, I'll explain it again. I'll give you a scene or event to picture in your head. Take that scene and crop out the ending. In other words, forget about it and practically delete it from your mind. Now, I want you to make your own ending to the story. Make it seem like you were the one who wrote or made it. Make it seem like you can control what happens in life. Make it your own. Make it what you want. Make it you.

 

Do you still play this game? If not with someone else, do you still play it by yourself? This game is practically my life savior. My key to living life. What keeps me going. I know you feel angry at me. I know you feel depressed and lonely and I know that you feel out of place. Like you don't belong. Like you shouldn't even exist anymore. But if you play this game Sehun, it'll help you to forget all that. It'll help heal you. It'll keep you sane in life. It'll help you to forget and reject all that causes you pain and all that has made you hurt inside.

 

I never told you this before. When we played it together, we always did it for fun and enjoyment. But I never told you the real meaning as to why I introduced you to this game. Until now Sehun. So now, I want you to imagine that day. The day when we went to the fair. The day that I still can't relieve from my head. The day I left you. I want you to come up with a different ending for that day. What would you have wanted to happen? What would you have changed about that day?

 

Sehun, I want you to know that I didn't leave because of you. Me leaving had nothing to do with you. I left for my own reasons. Don't think that I left because of you. That was the hardest part about leaving, I had to leave you behind. I couldn't take you with me. I will only barricade you from doing what you want in life. I will only glue you in place. Keep you from achieving your dreams. I wouldn't be able to make you happy. Probably cause you a lot of pain. 

 

I wish I could've been a better mother to you. I wasn't trained properly in the art of motherhood. You don't know how many times I played Crop for every time I messed up as a mom. But I did love you Sehun. I really did. And I hope you will never forget that. I hope that my love for you will never enter the game of Crop. I hope it will stay untouched, unharmed, intact. Please remember that Sehun.

 

- Oh Soo Hye

 

~ Hello. Wow, two updates in a week. *pats myself on back* I've been focusing a lot on this story lately, so updates will be frequent (hopefully! *crosses fingers*). Stay tuned for the next one. ^^