▲▼ CHAPTER 13 // EMPTY MEMORIES

     The beads of sweat formed on your matte forehead, your chest heaved up and down furiously while you were gasping for air with mouth wide open. Your eyes were following the empty walls everywhere, trying to get your mind back together. Your heart beat was still pumping rapidly like a bullet train as the adrenaline pumped too. Your throat was stuck, unable to breathe & letting out the air. You could feel yourself almost puking, holding the sides of your stomach thinking that it'll help to reduce the crampness. Opening the door swiftly, you raced to the bathroom in which you then had your knees on the ground and hands firmly holding the sides of the toilet bowl. Your back arched outwards a little as the yellow vomit spit out of your dreaded gullet. It took you awhile to get back to your conscience, slowly pulling yourself up and walking back to the bedroom. Your mind was spinning, landing the whole of your weight to the cloudy bed. The scene of the past memories were so surreal and vivid, almost like you were there witnessing it over and over again. It disgusted you to feel the similar touch digging deep into your skin, grazing it. It felt like you had just went back to the previous time, experiencing the whole unpleasant journey. Your heart ached - balls of fire engulfed near your lungs and you can barely breathed properly - knowing how insecure you were and how you wished so badly that this never happened. You listened to her last laugh in the room, slowly fading away.

        The light in the room flactuates again and this time, the cold presence of hers was gone for good but you could still feel the shivers lingering through the whole room. Looking out the window, you saw Anthea with her arms crossed behind her back and bending down to the little flowers planted at her lawn. Heaving a heavy sigh, you brushed off the last eerie feeling and left the room for good. Rushing down the creaking staircase, you barged out the front door ; trying to get away from the room as fast as possible for now. As you saw Anthea slowly moving from a patch of grass to the other, her back figure felt so similar that you could feel a certain familiar aura around her surroundings. "Hey Anthea." You called out, pushing your hands into your deep pocket. The old woman slowly regained her straight posture and turned to your direction, showing a wizened smile. "Hello, my dear. Where have you been the whole day yesterday? I was worried sick." She held her chest, her eyes drooping a little like a little puppy as she blinked it slowly. You pursed her lips together as it slowly fades into a small smile, letting out a slightly fake chuckle hoping that she wouldn't realise it. "I had a sleepover at my friend's. She insisted and I had to." You slyly laughed, still keeping the smile.

        Anthea furrowed her thick eyebrows slightly, biting her inner cheek with full worriedness and had her fingers interlaced together. She saw the glint of fear hidden by your shaking pupils and reached out for the warmth of your hands. Her wrinkly hands didn't expected to be rough at all as she slowly rubbed the back of your palm with her thumb. Anthea shrugged her slouchy shoulder, "Hope you had fun then yesterday. Here, do you mind helping me?" She took a hold of the slightly olive water jug and handed it to you. You watched as she slowly water the plants, lifting her hand up delicately. "May I?" You questioned, holding onto the water jug and pursing your lips together. Anthea smiled and nodded, showing you how you were suppose to direct the handle. You watered the plants slowly, pouring it with full care. The warmthness from the morning dew filled the atmosphere, heating up your lungs. You felt unusually at peace, watering the vibrant coloured flowers that seemed slightly bitter.

        The misty atmosphere that lingered around you brought you back to the time where you would run around the front yard, smelling the fresh manure that your mom would always plant onto the soil. The sounds of screeching wet tyres that would stop to a halt near the driveway and how the water puddles would splash near your lawn when a car drove past. You would twirl around the yard with your all time favourite baby pink dress that had slightly pleated ends to the skirt and try to catch those mesmerizing coloured butterflies. The small details of the morning routine you had in your childhood days reminded you how blissful you were before and how you would care less about your appearance. You felt blessed to receive endless love and care from your family, showering you with small kisses every morning and before going to bed. Your childhood was probably the most carefree period of time ever, where you would run around wherever you wanted to go and whine over such little things. "Oh my!" You heard a slight gasp coming from Anthea, sounding quite stunned by what she witnessed. Making your way towards her, you found that she had bent down to pick something up. Her fingers were then dirtied with fresh soil as they picked up a white sheet of paper that was shaped as a paper airplane. You saw how Anthea's delicate yet wrinkled fingers brushed away the excess dirt that was left from the paper airplane. The figured paper was scribbled with different kinds of coloured pens, vibrant ones to be very precise. "I've been trying to find this for a very long time!" Anthea exclaimed, showing you the airplane. Your eyebrows furrowed as your forehead then formed a straight line. That paper airplane must have been something very important to her since she had been wanting to find it for quite some time.

        You stood silently, watching her unfolding the paper gently to reveal the large white surface area. The vibrant coloured pens that was scribbled onto the front part of the airplane expanded as it filled the whole white sheet of paper. "What's this?" You asked, pointing to the figured plane. Anthea only let out a slight chuckle as her lips were pursed amongst each other. She kept silent for a moment, probably trying to reminiscing the past. "Here, let's take a seat." She strolled towards the side of her lawn where there was a beautiful white ceramic tea table set. Surprisingly, you had never seen the tea table set before even after walking pass the lawn every time you left this house. It had a stunning floral detailing on the frame of the chair and the white just pops out through the whole greenery area as it looked like you were at a high tea party with the royal ones. A slender and clear flower vase was placed on the centre of the circle table top as it was filled with a mixture of white and light pink fake peonies. Anthea was still fiddling with the paper airplane that she had in her grip, looking through it without having any purpose to do so. "I've been trying to find this paper airplane for years. It may sound stupid but it somehow connects so many things with me." Anthea spoke. "I guess it's probably one of the reasons that continued me to live." She continued her sentence smoothly. Your eyebrows arched upwards upon hearing what she had just mentioned. What was so special about this paper airplane that actually encouraged her to have faith in life?

        You narrowed your eyes to her direction. "Don't you just have those times where you just want to ball yourself up and mope all day?" She questioned, shrugging her slouchy shoulders while her eyes drooped a little. You sneered as this certain hole inside your heart ached, listening to the sentence you just heard and replaying it again inside your head mentally. Those times where you felt discouraged and mopey, you just wanted to slam the door and locked it for as long as you can - not wanting anybody to bother about you because the real fact is that nobody even did - maybe even living inside that room for days. Anthea saw the slight discourage in your eyes as she placed her cold hand on top of yours, slowly consolling you with small rubbibg using her thumb. "You may not understand now but this definitely helped me." The old woman showed a small smile, placing the paper airplane in the middle of the wide table top. Your hand reached out and picked the paper up gently, scrutinizing the scribbles that were messily scattered around the whole paper. Curiosity dugged deep into your skin wanting to know what exactly Anthea was talking about. It left you a huge bucket of anxiety by what she had just explained.

        You rolled your eyes around aimlessly in the plain room where it felt as if your body was pressed too tight against the walls. You could hardly breathe, knowing that her presence was still lingering through the whole bedroom and it honestly creeped you out. The small voice from the back of your head came back, wanting to lure you back into the past times. Taking your purse and scarf, you trudged out of the door back to the fresh and minty air that filled your fresh lungs again. You marched down the cemented path, digging your hands deep inside your pocket and wrapping your scarf around your neck. You didn't know what you were doing now to be very truthful. Your mind was blank, not able to process anything at the moment. There was this gaping hole that found it's way out in your heart as you were confused with your own life. Walking around aimlessly around the neighbourhood, you took in the fresh air in your lungs and wanted to feel refreshed for once. Your mind activated as soon as the small voice from the back of your head repeated the sentence that Anthea spoke earlier on. Anthea is a wise old woman who you looked up to and you would never think of her as being mentally ill but the sentence that fell out from made you think hard enough to understand what she was exactly explaining about but you can never put your finger onto it. It theoratically made sense; whatever she was talking about.

        Why did she depended her life on that piece of worthless sheet of flying paper airplane? When she was talking about how that flying paper airplane made an impact in her life, it made you wonder about your own life. The life that you are living now. You took another chance to live so what is the main purpose for you to continue on living?

        You were living alone now, trying to enjoy the life that is ahead of you and you're not doing it as a favor from someone - but for your own self. Thinking about the answers for these questions could make you go haywire. It surprised you the fact that you were still alive right now, trying to determine that you can be strong enough to continue on living. Your mind was interrupted when you heard loud shrills of laughter coming from the side. A petite little girl that had stunning voluptuous red haired haircut came waddling in her squeaky baby shoes, fiddling with a leaf in one hand. Seating onto the nearest bench, you laid your eyes on her as you could sense a wash of familiarness swept over you. Her lengthened curls draped over her shoulder and her slightly peach top that fades into a beautiful baby pink caught your attention.

        It reminded you of.... you.

        She was somehow a carbon copy of your little self, how those stunning locks held in place and that small dimple would form when fades into a tiny yet vivid smile. Her skin was milky white - just like yours - as it looked so smooth that your hand would glide easily onto it, but it wasn't the same as yours. It was too smooth and milky unlike yours. Yours were carved with dark bruises, deep red permanent scratches and marks that were healed a long time ago but never left the skin. The little toddler threw the leaf as it followed with her endless giggles that filled your eardrums. Taking a tube that filled with such sticky substance from her pocket, she held it close to and slowly blew into it as it formed cute little bubbles everywhere. You laughed inside, looking at how she was enjoying herself with just those bubbles that formed. The way she played with herself really reminded you how you entertained yourself when you were little, giving you small reminders on how you lived before. Her chubby cheeks - looking like chipmunks which would stuff endless nuts inside their mouth - rose up to her high cheekbones as it twitched into a toothy grin, showing off her front adorable rabbit teeth. You couldn't help but to laugh too, looking at how entertained she was with just simple objects at this age.

        "Hey baby, don't go around running like that. Mommy got worried." A brunette young lady, looking almost as your age came to the little girl and extended her arms outwards, catching her into a bear hug. Meanwhile a well built guy followed from behind as he slid his fingers gently onto the woman's slim waist, taking the chance to peck both the woman and young woman's cheek.

        Somehow, the gaping hole that formed earlier on grew bigger, this time aching and pounding more to the sides of the wall that surrounded it. The couple exchanged glances among each other and stole a kiss on their lips, making you look away instantly. As the giggles from the petite young girl distant away, you felt alone again without having anything to entertain you. Sighing and brushing off the dirt from your shoes, you stood up and dragged your foot effortlessly to the path nearby, neither knowing where to go nor having any intentions to. Walking up to the street, you found yourself entering into the familiar store you once went that filled your nose with the addicting aroma that you always loved.