Dear Diary,

Have your heart ever felt so pain that it feels like exploding?

Seeing the love of your life love another person....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, when is your date to discharge?" G.O hyung asked, wanting to know whether if he is well enough to leave the ward.

I saw Cheondung hyung look sad. His eyes had never leave Seungho hyung. He must have millions of thoughts wandering in his mind. I guess his love over him must have leave a big impact in his life. 

It hurts me....

"Tomorrow." Seungho hyung said.

"Really? That's good to know" G.O hyung nodded. That's a relieve to him since without that good-old leader in MBLAQ, something seems to be missing. I guess is true what A+ had always said. 

"MBLAQ is not perfect without the 5 of them"

"Hyung! Palli come back. The dorm is so quiet without you..." Mireu pouted like a poor puppy pleading for something. Ahh, that cute yet never change Mireu.

All of us laugh except for someone who are hiding behind us, silent all the time.

I took notice it. I know something is not right at all but I know I can do nothing about it. I turned and look at Cheondung hyung. It hurts me.

"Ah? Hoya. You are here too? " Seungho hyung asked. He was surprised too. I thought he saw me all the while since I come in with the others but I guess not.

I quickly turn and reply him.

"Ah Ne. Hyung, are you okay?" I asked.

"Ya. Thanks for your concern. Don't you have any schedules with the members?" Seungho hyung asked, curious.

"Today my off day. The rest of the members are having individual activities. Dong Woo and I are practising for our debut." I said, informing him of our schedules.

"Your debut? Woah! Congrats!" Seungho hyung was surprised but never fail to congratulate me. Manners I think. MBLAQ are well-known for their kind manner as well.

I can see the rest of them are surprised as well, including Cheondung hyung. All of them come and congratulate me while some of the hug me as well. I can feel how much love they give to everyone.

"Congrats Hoya! So what's your sub-unit name?" Joon hyung asked. He's more excited than I am.

"INFINITE-H" I said.

"Woah! Work hard alright!" Joon hyung said while patting me on my shoulder.

I nodded while smiling to them.

"Come and support us when we debut, okay?" I asked, inviting them to come for our first stage performance in Music Bank.

"Ne." Everyone answered at the same time. It was hillarious how much they sync together.

Then, the door unlocked and a nurse came in. It was an unfamiliar nurse to me but it seems like everyone know who she is.

I check the name tag. Shin Bong Sun. 

"Sorry guys. The visitation time is over." Bong Sun noona said politely with a smile on her face.

"Ah Ne." We bow and greeted her politely.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow then? Who's gonna pick you up?" G.O hyung asked before he leave.

I see Seungho hyung frown, giving a hard thought in his mind.

"Cheondung" Seungho hyung finally said something and all of us was surprised. I mean, Cheondung?

"Ne, hyung...?" Cheondung hyung replied, puzzled.

"Can you come and pick me up tomorrow?" Seungho hyung asked while looking at him. I was puzzled too. I look at Cheondung hyung reaction. He seems to look happier now.

"Me...?" Cheondung hyung asked. I can see him smiling. I'm sure he's happy.

"I err... I got something to talk to you." Seungho hyung said.

"A-Alright. I'll come and pick you up tomorrow,hyung" Cheondung hyung said while smiling.

That sight hurts me. I quickly unlocked the door and walk out.

I took a deep breathe and with all my might, I heave it out, trying to calm myself down.

Not long after that, the rest of them come out.

I can see Mireu pouted his mouth, thinking hard.

"I wonder what Seungho hyung wants from Cheondung..." Mireu said, thinking hard.

"I know right. I wonder why.." Joon hyung said as well.

But none of them matters to me but somehow, I know deep inside my heart, I don't feel too well.

"You will know tomorrow." G.O hyung said smiling while messing with Mireu's hair. He got annoyed and shove G.O hyung's hand away. G.O hyung just laugh it out.

I see Cheondung hyung smiling brightly, it hurts.

It hurts my heart to see him smiling for someone he love.

"Doongie, are you going back with us?" G.O hyung asked him.

"Ah... Hoya, do you wanna grab something to eat?" Cheondung hyung suddenly look at me. I was surprised yet my heart suddenly beat so fast.

I mean... Just the two of us?

"Ah. Ya. I'm hungry as well." I said. 

Really? Just the 2 of us? I- I feel awkward like this but I stay calm all the time so he wouldn't notice.

"Then we go back first." G.O hyung said while shouldering the 2 of them and head over to the lift.

"Annyeong hyung!" Mireu said while waving us goodbye. The same goes to Joon hyung.

"So it just the two of us" I thought to myself. I feel awkward. My heart beat so fast but I really don't know what to do and I don't want him to see me like this.

"So where shall we go?" Cheondung hyung asked.

"I err... I don't know." I said while heaving out a silent breath. I always do that when I'm nervous.

"Hmm, how bout somewhere near your dorm?" Cheondung hyung suggested.

"Eh? Okay. I know a place with great food." I said.

"Great! Let's go then! But I err..." Cheondung hyung paused while looking very worried.

"Ne?" I asked, puzzled by his sudden pause.

"Can we take the subway instead?" Cheondung said, somehow feel scare towards something but I can't quite get what he feel or think.

"Ne." I replied.

As I walk with him towards the lift, I was worried what should I do. You know when you are with someone you like / love that you are confused, worried and panicked on what to say or do? That's what I am experiencing now. It's been 15 years but the feelings won't die off easily...

"Hyung, shall we call Eun Ji too?" I break the silence. I know it will be too awkward if is just the two of us but I just can't help it. I need someone to accompany me and then the thought came in.

"Eun Ji? You mean Jung Eun Ji? " Cheondung hyung asked, trying to recall who this Eunji is.

"Ne. Our childhood friend from Busan as well. Don't you remember her?" I said.

"Ahhh THAT Eun Ji! Woah is been a long time since I see her. Didn't she debut in Apink?" Cheondung hyung finally remember who she is.

"Ne." I replied and quickly dial up her number on my phone. It didn't take long for her to answer my phone.

"Yeoboseyo (Hello) ? " The familiar voice can be heard on the other side. A quite tomboyish girl-voice that I have never forget.

"Ah, Eunji ah, Hoya Oppa ya" I said happily.

"Ah Oppa! Long time no see! How are you?" She asked.

"I'm fine. Eunji ya, you free now?" I asked.

"Ne. Why?" She said.

"Can you come out to meet us? I'm with Cheondung hyung." I said before Cheondung hyung interrupt us.

"Annyeong Eunji ya!" Cheondung hyung said happily.

"Ahhh Cheondung Oppa! Annyeong! " She screamed on the phone, excitedly.

"Haha, Eunji you never change do you?" I asked.

"Hehe. Oppa, where to meet you? I'm free at the moment. I got practice later at night." She said. 

"Erm, you know INFINITE apartment?" I asked, hoping that she know where I mean.

"Ne." She said, confirming that she know the place.

"Let's meet at the cafe around the corner. Skittle Cafe." I said, directing her to the place.

"Ahh Okay! Oppa, I'll see you then!" She said before she hang out the phone.

"Haha, that girl still haven't change" Cheondung hyung said.

I laugh it out. 

Now that I think about it, the 3 of us are always together when we are young. We have fun under the sun, chasing each other, playing hide-and-seek and sleeping on the field was our daily routine not until Cheondung hyung left to pursue his singing career and then me and last is Eunji. I guess our dreams come true. Cheondung hyung debut in MBLAQ, me in INFINITE and Eunji in Apink. Well, I guess time do passes fast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oppa, Oppa! Remember that time we used to sing Fin.K.L. songs? You will always take Lee Hyori part, Hoya oppa with Lee Jin part and I'll take Yuri part. The 3 of us will build a stage near the field and sing out loud." Eun Ji excitedly recall back our memories.

"Ah Majayo Majayo! Then the ahjussi living beside the field will come out and shout at us, saying how terrible our voice is." I said, reminiscence back our old memories.

"Haha! Thanks to Sandara Noona, we all got influenced by her." Cheondung hyung said.

"Ahh good old memories." I said.

"But in the end, we all debut as a singer. Cheondung oppa in MBLAQ, Hoya Oppa in INFINITE and Me in Apink" Eunji said.

All of us nodded and smile at our memories from the past.

" Excuse me for awhile, I need to go to the washroom" Cheondung hyung said while taking his way towards the washroom.

As the both of us see that Cheondung hyung left the seat and head towards the washroom, I let out my breath that I store up in my body.

Eunji then nudge me on my arm.

"Yah Yah! Hoya Oppa. You still haven't told him yet?" Eunji asked curiously.

I shake my head, looking down at my leg.

"Yah! Is been years already! Why didn't you tell him?" Eunji asked.

I thought back the days when I tell Eunji.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The both of us was chatting online using our desktop at home. We were talking craps about our schoolwork, about our idols, and etc until...

"Hoya Oppa, I have a secret but...." She asked, pausing mid-sentence. She must be thinking about something.

Curiously, I ask why.

"But?" 

" Can you keep the secret?" She asked.

I give a deep thought on that before I type my answer.

"Ya." I replied.

"Erm.. Nevermind. Forget it Oppa." She answered.

"Waeeee?" I asked, annoyed by her answer.

"Nevermind Oppa, forget bout it." She answered.

"Erm... How bout like this? If you tell me your secret, I tell you mine." I negotiate with her.

"Really? Sure?" She asked, eagerly wanting to know bout my secret too.

Ne." I replied her. I know somewhere deep inside me, I want to let out the feelings inside me. Is been stuck with me all these while and I really hope to share it with someone I'm close with.

"You know... Just now I saw my parents.... Do it in the car......" She said. I guess she is embarassed bout it as well as I do.

"Really? Woah." I replied.

"Oppa, your secret?" She asked without hesitation. I know she's dying to know my secret.

I hesitated awhile.

"I... Actually love... Cheondung hyung." I replied.

I love.... Cheondung

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Dear Diary,

Can you give me strength that I need,

to tell the person I love,

I Love You?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwVG3-DIBN4

"Yah! If you don't confess now, when are you gonna do that? I heard Seungho hyung is has forgotten about him, now your chance!" Eunji keep on nudging my arms and it annoy me.

"Yah! Eunji! How can I do that when he's heart-broken now?!" I said to her before I move her arms away from me.

"If you don't do now, when are you gonna confess?" She asked.

That question struck me. I really don't know how to answer her but right now, this is not the time to confess to him.

"I...... don't know." I said, frowning at my weaknesses.

She sighed.

"What am I gonna do about you, Oppa." She said while looking at me pitily. She must have sympathize me for all these while, I have never have courage to confess to him.

I keep quiet. My thoughts are here and there and I seriously confuse as to what to do now.

"Oppa, when Cheondung oppa come back, you confess to him okay?" Eunji urge me to do so since this is the best chance to do so.

"Yah! -" I almost shouted at her but stop mid-way when I saw Cheondung hyung come back from the washroom.

"Ah Cheondung Oppa! I need to go. Practice starts soon!" Eunji said as she quickly stand up and getting ready to go.

"Ah really?" Cheondung hyung said while examining the time on his watch.

9:30PM.

"Ne. I go first, Oppa and thanks for the food!" Eunji said before she take her leave. 

I take a look at her, hurriedly to the door before she turn and signal me to confess to Cheondung hyung.

I was quite annoyed at her but what she said is true. If I don't confess now, when do I have the courage to do so.

"Hoya, is late. Shall we head back?" Cheondung hyung asked and I was caught in surprise.

"Ah, Ne." I said as I stand up and ready to go home.

"Your apartment is just around here right? Let me walk you back." Cheondung hyung said while offering to walk home with me.

"Ah Gwenchana hyung. You are tired too." I said while politely rejecting his offer. I know is a good chance that I shouldn't waste but I know he's tired as well. I can't be that selfish myself.

"Is okay. It won't take long anyway." Cheondung hyung said before he head towards the door.

I'm not sure to smile or to feel awkward but anyway, I still follow him behind and out from the cafe.

We didn't talk much and just enjoy the night breeze. It feels cooling and refreshing but somehow, it can't erase the awkwardness in me. I try to say something to break the silence.

"Hyung... You think Seungho hyung will be fine?" I asked. I know it is something that I shouldn't say but... what else can we talk about?

"Ya.. I'm sure he will be fine." Cheondung said, suddenly feel so sad. He sigh. The thought of Seungho hyung forgetting him must have hit him hard. 

I feel guilty. I mean to bring up such topic.

"I'm sure he will remember you one day." I said, reassure him that he must not give up hope.

He nodded.

"You know, Hoya. Seungho hyung meant the world to me." He look up at the sky, hoping to find an answer to his problem. The bright glittering moonlight shine on his face making him all the more handsomer.

That sight makes me feel awe at his beautiful face but his words bring me down below. 

"I don't know what will I do if I lose him forever." He smirk at the thought of his words. A sad smirk.

That words seriously hit me hard. I know I need to do something. I need to say something. I'm sure of it.

I take a deep breath in.

"Hyung, What if...." I asked, still hesitate myself. He look at me, puzzle by my words.

"Hyung, what if there's someone who love you and waiting for you for a long time. Will this person be able to replace Seungho hyung?" I take up my courage to try to confess. I know I have to. If not now, when?

"Hahaha. Maybe?" Cheondung hyung giggle at my words.

I stopped my pace. I stand on my ground, clenching my fist.

He noticed as I was not walking beside him, he turn and look at me.

"Hoya, why are you not walking?" Cheondung hyung was puzzled.

"Hyung... I...." I stuttered.

"Huh?" He said.

"I like...."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

B1A4 - Crush