Dear Diary,

I feel restless,

I feel anxious,

My heart beats fast,

Dear Diary,

Tell me....

What should I do?

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That night after the concert end, I followed Hoya to a stream nearby Myeongdong that we used to hang out when we were still trainee back in the old time. The place held our dearest memories. It's the place where I first met Hoya when he came to Seoul and also the place where we made our promise to stay as best friend till the end of time.

But, the promise that we made, is it apply to us or is it only apply to me? I wasn't sure anymore.

"Hyung, do you remember this place?" Hoya broke the silence.

The stream was beautifully shone by the street lights. Bridges were built on the stream to allow everyone to cross to the other side of the stream. Everyone gathered here for a walk as the chilly wind blew. Those who had a very bad day would choose to take a walk here to ease their mind and calm their depression. The stream was also a beautiful place for couples to hang out and be intimate to each others. 

I put my hands into my pocket as I braved towards the cold weather hitting on us. I nodded to him. How can I forgot this wonderful place? It helds all my memories with him. 

I stared at the stream. The transparent liquid flowed gently from the top to the bottom of the lake. Somehow, it magically calmed my heart.

"This is the place where we first met" I replied Hoya. It's been 3 years since that day we met here. I still am able to remember very clearly in my mind.

That day, I had a tough day. MBLAQ is debuting soon and each day, group training became even more difficult. There's too many rules and regulations that I needed to follow. The schedules is packed with dance practice, vocal training, rapping practice and many more. There's basically no room for me to breathe. I secretly escaped from the harsh training and ran to the stream where I was standing now. That's when I first met Hoya ever since I came to Seoul.

I was happy to be able to see Hoya. We chatted for a long time that day and we promised to each other that we would do our best to be known worldwide. I'm sure we have fulfilled the first promised that we made. As for the second promise, we promised that we would stay as best friend till the end of our life.

"Tell me Hoya, how long had it been?" I asked. My eyes still fixed on the gently stream.

"Huh?" Hoya eyed me as if he was trying to find an answer to my question. I turned around, and as I looked at him straight to his eyes, I repeated again.

"Tell me, since when did you start to like me?" I asked again, hoping to find an answer from him. I must have caught him off guard as I could see that his expression changed. He looked gloomy.

"Eunji told you everything, huh?" Hoya said as he stared at the stream, squatting down beside the stream bank. His eyes seemed lifeless, as though his soul no longer stayed with him.

I nodded to him but I was quiet the whole time. I'm worried. Worried that I might hurt him. Somehow, I felt sorry to him.

"Hyung... " Hoya paused for awhile as though he was gathering all the thoughts and tried to put it into a proper sentences. "Remembered the promises that we made on that day?" Hoya asked.

Once again, I nodded to him but he didn't see it.

"I've liked you even before we met here in Seoul" he said as he turned and face me for awhile before he turned back to the stream. He picked up a stone and throw it to the stream. I walked towards him and squat down beside him as I wait for him to continue his story.

"We have always been good buddies back when we were in Busan. I have no idea since when my feelings towards you developed." Hoya said. I couldn't say anything at all. My feelings got mixed up.

"Day after day, whenever I met up with you, I'll hid my feelings deep within my heart so that you wouldn't notice. You saw nothing, hyung." Hoya looked at me with his sad gloomy eyes that almost teared up if he continue his story. My eyes started to get teary.

"You saw nothing... but Eunji saw through everything. I couldn't hide this feelings forever. I needed to share it with someone. If there's no Eunji, I wouldn't know what would happen to me. All this while.... I...." Hoya stuttered. His tears flowed down like a river. He tried to wipe it away with his arms, but more tears came down.

I couldn't help watching him crying his heart out. My tears started to form in my eyes. 

"Hoya a... I.... I didn't know you suffered so much... Why didn't you tell me?" I said as I patted him on his shoulder.

"What's the use? What's the point of telling to you? Can you return my feelings?" Hoya said as he brushed off my hand with his shoulder. He raised his voice as he turned to me.

"I...." I paused. There's no words I could reply him.

"All you ever thought of is Seungho hyung! What about me?! What about my feelings?! We've been together for so long, how could you not realize it at all?!" Hoya shouted at me. All I could do is to stare at him without any words coming out from my mouth. He must had noticed it. I could see that his expression changed. He was surprised.

"I... I'm sorry, hyung." He said before he ran away from me. 

"Ho-" That's the word that I could say before he vanished from my sight. I finally able to heave out my breath. My heart felt restless. I'm anxious. My feelings got messed up. My thoughts got jumbled up. All I could do is to stare to the shimmering stars above me and pray.

Pray that Hoya could calm down and be safe.

"Hoya....."

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB3kwVRZ5zE

Hyorin - Driving Me Crazy