Almost a month had passed, but things kept happening. Im re-reading my journal as I'm waiting for the boys, and my written words brought me back to those days again like a vivid memory.

--

The first two weeks in 2011..

15.01.2011.

-

“Aishh..!” Minho’s grumbling as he’s busy, struggle with what he’s been doing for almost 25 minutes now. And his voice brought me back from my thoughts.

The management gave my boys a week to rest after their successful concert and crazy schedules, and today is the last day.

So now here I am, sitting on the sofa, in the boys’ living room –yes, Im in their dorm. This (secretly) naughty boy who’s sitting on the floor in front of me, made his Manager to call me, saying that he got a fever after coming back from his hometown last night.

Well he’s kind of too high after spending a couple of days back in his hometown, so he might be too exhausted, but he’s not sick. Frankly speaking, he wants me. I know that stare he got in his eyes as I get here. Tsk. Stupid me, I just realized that after got here running with a pack of medicine in my hand, actually believed that he’s really suffer from the pain. And I still couldn’t understand how he managed to succeed in persuade Manager Oppa to allowed me here.

Actually, since Taemin suffered from high fever one day after the concert, fainted at the restaurant right after the boys and staffs went out for drink, I couldn’t blame Manager Oppa on being permissive and worried that another member might get sick too. The boys caught the serious flu during Ring Ding Dong days last year, remember?

We’re here almost the whole day, with Onew too actually, but I haven’t seen him since I stepped into the dorm. Kibum is away, went to Daegu to meet his parents and family. Taemin, he’s staying at his house while Minho must’ve send Jjong somewhere just so he can spend the day with me in the bedroom he share with his Hyung and don’t get disturbed.

Anyway, you might still remember how I suddenly feel strange about something related to Lee Oppa, right? I’ve mentioned about that to Minho, but didn’t really feel that way anymore until something happened recently, and only about this issue, I haven’t told him yet. That’s why now it appears in my mind once again.

I took a glance at my boyfriend because he’s literally pulled my feet and I sighed. I actually asked him to do what he did right now for two reasons; first because he doesn’t have a lot to do and making me worried because said he’s sick, and the second reason is actually because I want to find the right time to tell him about Lee Oppa.

I kind of feel guilty to hide this from him. Yes, because I had promised him I wouldn’t do something like that anymore, and turns out I became to be so good at sharing things with him too.

“Ya. I told you just to put nail color on it, not to break my toes.” I said to him as I pulled my leg away from him so he’s kind of startled when he lifts his head and look annoyed.

“Wh- oh come on! I succeeded in putting it on so neatly and it’s only 2 toes left!” He took the bottle of nail color remover as I realized there’s a long red line on my feet skin because I pulled away my leg abruptly and create that mess.

“I never thought that you really are this competitive to yourself, wanting to put this thing on so perfectly.” I mocked him.

He chuckled, “You should feel special knowing that I never do this to anyone, ever.” And he did look really annoyed, I don’t know whether it’s because I told him to do such thing, or because he fails to do it as good as he wanted.

I laughed, “I can see that just by looking at the result.” But to be honest, he did quite a good job on painted my toe nails, for someone -a guy, who claimed never done this before, but I just want to see his sulking face a little longer. “And Im kind of surprise that the great Choi Minho actually willing to do something like this.”

He looked at me, in some level of disbelief, so I try to calm the atmosphere by saying, “Just kidding.. You actually made me shock back then, with all your ‘come here, I will wash your feet’ act just to steal my heart.”

With that, his eyes gleams looking so pleased and his sly smile appears, “Well, your heart was really stolen by me way before that, right? Just admit it.” As he closed the lid of those small bottles and suddenly jumped to the sofa and sit beside me.

“Hey! You have to paint 2 toes left!” and when he went closer, I try to calm my laugh as I poke the side of his head, “Tsk, Manager Oppa isn’t here, but your leader is, so that means you cant do anything you want. You’re a patient.” I mocked him again but it doesn’t stop him to bend forward, made me lying down, until my back touched the sofa.

Usually he would done what he always do in this kind of situation, but not today, because he's just settling himself to lay down beside me –yeah, the couch is big enough, pulling himself a bit low and then using my arm as a pillow. I chuckled as I ask him, “Comfortable enough?” I looked down as he nodded his head, looking so peaceful inhaled the scent of my soap that he always claimed as the ‘white fragrance’ because it reminds him of white color, I don’t know why.

“Im just trying to act like a spoiled patient.” He mumbled while leaning his head close to my chest like a kid, and I realized that this became his habit. Lovingly, I patted his head using the arm he used as his pillow.

When we were just about to become too comfortable with this, suddenly there’s someone unlock the key from the other side of the door.

I sat up immediately, and was going to stand up but Minho grabbed my wrist to pull me down to sit again. This time I landed on the sofa with him secured me, rounding his arms on my waist from behind. He whispered, “That’s only Onew Hyung. And you cant missed this opportunity; to see what happened when Onew Hyung just wake up from his hibernate.”

I frowned and try to look at Minho’s face, but his expression told me to look to the front. I saw from an open door, Onew walked out with eyes wide open and doesn’t look that drowsy over a long hours sleep.

He walks, and pass the sofa where Minho and I are watching, but odd enough, he doesn’t seem to care. No “Hey, Noona.” With his sweet eye smile per usual, or humming as what he does normally. No, he’s not even seems aware that we’re here.

The group leader went to the kitchen, and opens the fridge only to drink almost one big bottle of mineral water, and then he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Even he’s using his long sleeves pyjamas. He totally reminds me of Taeminnie’s habit, now I know where Baby got it from; his oldest Hyung.

Suddenly, his eyes sets on me –and Minho too, I almost sure he realized that we’re here with him too when I heard Minho talking to me, but not whispering anymore. “Stay still. Don’t move.”

“Wh-?” My words got cut by Onew himself as he’s looking around, “Where’s everybody?”

I thought he was asking me, so I said, “Kibummie went to Daegu, don’t you know that? You must feel hungr-“ but I stopped because Onew doesn’t even seems to be aware of me answered to his question and just turning around like both of me and Minho are invincible. And I can see that Minho’s smirking, laughing at his Hyung. As then Onew walked pass through us to go back to his room, scratching the back of his head, Minho said again to me, “Watch me.”

“Onew Hyungie~~”

Onew stopped and turn around, his mouth turn into a big ‘O’, “Minho-ah! Noona-nim! You’re here~~”

I frowned as Minho commented, “Yeah, we never went out today. It’s still too cold outside.” As he tightened his embrace at me, “Have a good sleep, Hyung..”

The leader nodded and comment randomly, “Yeah, lucky you. Bye now kids, I want to go back to my-“ and then all I heard is a soft thud, as the door is closed again.

Minho’s laughing to this weird situation and to respond my confusion he tries to explain, “Onew Hyung never seem to be aware of people presence when he’s just wake up from a sleep, until they called his name to make him notice. Everyone could talk like bees but without him heard his name got mentioned, he barely see them. Maybe in his sleepy eyes, we’re just merely an object, I don’t know, it’s a part of his sangtae.”

“Wow, Onew is one of a kind, isn’t he? I wonder who’s the girl that finally could win his white heart.” I laughed as then we’re staying like this, as I leaned my back to him, and he rested his head on my shoulder.

“Hyung is number one among the members, when it’s about who got coveted the most.” Minho said, “With voice, smile and brain like his.”

“I rarely get the chance to see the competitive freak finally admit his defeat.” I as then he frowns.

“Me? Hey, we’re talking about the members who are still single. Why do I have to care about being coveted since I already have one who always wanting and craving for me?” He opens his arms widely with an attitude.

“Uwah. Really, this big headed guy.” I pretend to be disgusted by his words, “Yeah, yeah, I wonder why. Even I bet you never experienced to be dump or rejected.”

Then he didn’t say anything.

… huh?

Did I say something I shouldn’t?

“Hey..” I called him, and he looked back at me.

“I um.. I got rejected once, actually.” He answered with a shrug. Suddenly his face becomes darkened.

Because it’s a bit unexpected to see him being like this, also because he never told me about this before, I don’t know how to respond to that, I just smiled to comfort him, “Well, it’s okay. A bit kind of surprising though, even Choi Minho got rejected by a girl. She must be a really.. I don’t know, choosy girl?” I tried to sound as normal as possible, asking, “Is she a noona?”

Actually I hadn’t seen his expression when I asked that, but yes, he does look like he doesn’t want to talk about this. So I let this go. And I think this is the time when I should talk to him about what’s bothering me related to his Assistant Manager.

“Hey, I don’t know whether this is the perfect time to tell you, but.. um.. there’s something I need to tell you about Lee oppa.”

He turned to me, “Hyung?”

Lee Oppa wasn’t exactly changed. He’s still the cool Assistant Manager I knew, alongside with the grumpy Kang Oppa, but about 2 nights before, when Minho was still in Incheon and I was at a 24 hours coffee shop together with Taeminnie and Kibum –to help Taemin writing about the paper required for his new school, Lee Oppa called me. At that time, Taemin had notice my confusion since I think, Oppa wasn’t his usual self.

“What’s with him this time?” Minho’s voice brought me back, and so I told him what Lee Oppa said to me.

It was almost like Oppa’s monologue, saying to me, “You know, I thought you’d give up and walk away when Manager Hyung found out about everything. Have you forgotten about the rule? Im just trying to protect you before thing gets worst. But now, it has begun, isn’t it?” and what he said was really bothering me, even though I knew I shouldn’t really take it seriously since he seems pretty drunk.

Now Minho’s eyes grew bigger, “Wait. He said that? Protect you, from what? and.. and what did he means about something has begun? What is it?”

But suddenly I felt hesitated about all of this. I bit my lips and then laughing, “I began to get jealous over you. He saw it when I watched that episode of your School reality shows with Eun Seo-sshi, remember, at that time I was waiting in the studio-“ but I stopped because his expression was like ‘are you expecting me to believe that crap?’ kind of face.

I cleared my throat and I said, “Well.. um.. actually I’ve heard that there’s been some ugly rumors about me, um.. spreading, in the academy.” Fashion academy where my Boss is the teacher while im his student’s tutor.

“And you didn’t tell me? How long was this happen, and what is it all about?” He asked me.

I shrugged, “It was since people found out that Seonsaengnim turned down my proposal. A student that have a good relationship with me said that some students were talking about.. um.. I might’ve caught in an intern scandal that’s why my project didn’t get accepted. I wonder how Lee Oppa knows it.”

“What scandal?” His tone changed. I know that he knew what's the meaning of the scandal itself without asking me.

I paused, but judging from his expression, it’s demanding. So I answered, “More like.. either Im a seducer, or Im just plainly took advantage using my job.”

Minho straighten up his sitting position and say, “And yet you never tell me about this?”

“Me too, I just found it recently, Minho-ah.” I explained to him. More like hopelessly. I used to be someone who doesn’t care what people think of me, but since this is related to Minho, his status and also reputation, I couldn’t help but care. “At least I told you now.”

Well, he must’ve been taking my words in a different way since he looked annoyed, “Just don’t listen to them or any rumors you heard. It’s all wrong. You and I aren’t what they called scandal. We’re just like any other people in a relationship, what’s wrong with that?”

Im frowning and somehow slightly disturbed, “What was wrong, is that when my student started to see me without respect. That’s what wrong.”

He slightly looked guilty, but I continued, “So you also think that Lee Oppa is a bit overacting?”

Minho shifted his stare away from me, seems like he’s thinking about something and then he murmured, “I don’t know about overacting, Im just not happy with him acting like he’s the one who wanted or could protect you.”

It’s not that I wasn’t thinking about it, but I just try to see this in another perception. I also don’t want to be a big-headed and was too full of herself.

“And even though he’s really a good person.. He.. must feel something for you to say something like that. And I don’t like it.” He added, "And why I couldn't see this before as he seems to be too much when it comes to you?"

Messing up his hair, I said to him, “Well, I don't know. Maybe he’s just trying to be a good Manager, or um.. Maybe he has another reason. I just want to share the thoughts that has bothering me, but please, let’s not thinking too much about this, okay?”

As I pull my hand away from him, he took it and put it to his cheek. He moves my hand so I pat his cheek a several times, saying with such an amusement in his eyes like he’s just discovered something, "I was upset, I am upset. But on the other side, I wonder why did someone like you began to care about gossips and rumors."

I looked at his remarkable eyes and grinning slyly, "Well, you know.."

He embraced me, like a thousand times before, but somehow, this time it feels kind of different. Then he said to my ear, "You.. Actually worried about me, didn't you?"

I blinked twice, feels a bit confused. So.. He thought that I don't care about him? Didn't I tell him that I love him? Couldn't he understand it from the way I kiss him, from the way I let him share all his tiredness to me after his schedules?

Am I too often giving people a cold shoulder even my own significant other couldn't tell whether I do love him or not?

Suddenly, I even think that I'm too ignorant as my parents' child. Or as my siblings' oldest sister.

"Noona..?" Minho whispered to call me back to my conscious.

"Hm?"

"What were you thinking?"

I shook my head as I'm still resting it on the crook of his neck, "Nothing." Im trying to lose my tense.

But before this silence made his question earlier left unanswered, I told him, "I do worry about you. I always worried about what happened if you get sick or injured, Im worried about what will the management do to you if we were exposed, Im worried about many things even though I might be known as the cold Noona."

Minho laughs inaudibly, I can tell, as he said, "No, I know you're not. At least I would feel warm and comfortable with you."

I chuckled to his sugary words, "Maybe I should show you how bad I am when I'm jealous. I did it for my own sake, not letting myself controlled by jealousy. That's why I chose not digging the history of your exes." I don’t know why, but I feel like wanting to tell him anything, everything that I used to keep it to myself.

He stopped laughing somehow, and then I said, "Not that you haven't tell me about it anyway."

I continued to talk, my action on trying to be honest seems to be unstoppable, “Just so you know, last week your hairstylist ask me, whether im afraid of the fans or not. I think it’s not about the fact that they would go crazy if they knew about me, but… what makes me think is how their opinion about you. Look at Jjong, he was claimed by the media, dating one of the prettiest young actress, Korean’s sweetheart and yet he got all the bash –and SeKyung-sshi’s case was worst. So how about you, if it was revealed you were dating with JUST a coordi noona? Well, you can say that im an aspiring designer whatever but the fact is im not.”

Minho broke the hug and he seems kind of speechless about this. Even though after a couple of seconds he managed to respond, “First of all, is there any rule that we, idols, have to date another idols or actress too? No, there is not. My Hyungs from another group dates college girls or childhood friends too. Second, being tied up with crazy schedules, aren’t I the smartest type to choose to date with someone who always nearby? So my choice is just something that really makes sense. And third, you WILL be Saem’s junior designer one day, so yes, at that time, I could and would proudly say it. Well, that’s just perfect; a model dates a fashion designer.”

I sighed on his overconfident, “You begin to sound like Kibummie.”

He lifted his eyebrows, “Me? Kibum? Which part of indecisive Key that similar to me? I wonder why Nicole-ah haven’t running away from him up until now.”

I shrugged, “Maybe he has his own way of thinking, that somehow only Nicole-sshi who could only understand about it. And vice versa.”

“Well that’s not our business anyway.” Minho laughs, as I nodded agree, “Right.”

So then he yawned and took my hand, playing with my fingers, looking at them closely to his eyes like those are precious jewels or something, “Noona-ah, tell me something I didn’t know about you.”

“Huh?” I couldn’t find something that he didn’t know about me yet since it seems to me he already knew without im telling him, or figured it out by himself anyway.

“Anything.” He still looked at my fingers, and now playing with the couple ring, “Not everyday I have this dorm only for myself and could spend the day with you like this.”

I laugh as I think this and that aren’t relevant. But then I thought of something, “I.. used to be a rabbit lover when im a little girl.”

He let a small laugh slips from his lips and he heard about it, but his eyes still examined my self-manicured finger nails,“Really? I couldn’t imagine you being so cute with that little creature.”

As a respond, I shove his shoulder because of his mock. Then he said, “Tell me more. About your school days, on being the oldest child, or having any scary experience, and then.. things related to your former lover, or relationship, anything.”

I looked at him as his last line caught my fully attention, “Why? We never really talked in detail about love in the past. I thought we have unwritten agreement on that.”

Didn’t answer that very moment, he finally shifted his stare from my hands, to look straight to me in the eye. But then.. he looked away again. What is it..?

“Well that unwritten agreement have been troubled me.. not everytime, but.. um..”

I frowned as then he said, “Look, you have to believe me, I didn’t mean to hide anything from you, it’s just that.. this isn’t something I could tell anyone so easily.”

I think my eagerness have shown from the way I look at him, so he continued, “You might wondering why my mother doesn’t seem to be surprised with me being close to someone older than me, maybe it’s because at one time, she knew I was really close to some of them.”

If im not mistaken, his mother did mention names from the same management as him, and I also told him about it. As now I started to remember, my curiosity began to rise.

“Me and Yuri Noona.” He actually didn’t stop right there, but it’s like there are several bells ringing in my ears, I couldn’t hear the rest of his words.

“Yuri-sshi?” Well I should have guess, “… So you two were lovers, huh?” I couldn’t understand. Why, after all of this time, with her name got mention every once in a while, did he hide the truth about him and that pretty girl?

What had actually happen in the past, that makes him feel reluctant to tell me about it?

He shook his head immediately after I got the idea, “No, it’s not like that, really! I mean, I do like her, did, like her but she didn’t.”

I paused for a while, waiting for him to continue, and he added, “Long story short, she rejected me.”

“Ah, okay. So she’s the girl.” I nodded my head, but still not fully understand with his sudden information. It’s like.. my head was getting too stuffy because of this one issue only. Suddenly what I’ve know about Yuri and Minho before and after I became his girlfriend reappearing inside my head.

He might get love struck because he often got her as his pair in performances, their birthdays are close, and then during those L.A concert spin-the-bottle game, the after party where it was told that they were attached to one another, then now I begin to questioning whether the other members knew about this or not –well I bet of course they knew. Taeminnie, my precious baby, I wonder if he looks kind of upset everytime Minho got close to Yuri in L.A, maybe because of this?

Thoughts by thoughts attacking my mind as I heard Minho said, “It was unrequited love, until one day I have the courage to tell her that I.. yeah, like her-“

“Oh you must loved her.” I said it out loud. I really don’t know how I could say it, but I did. And his expression was changed.

“It’s not like that.” Minho is being eager right now.

“At least you thought you love her.” I said and he looked torn between guilt –maybe because no matter what, now I know that he’s been hiding it from me- but also seems still wanting to deny something that he did feel once in the past.

“Listen, doesn’t matter how I felt for her, but the fact is.. I don’t have any feelings for her anymore.” He tried to explain, but his tone is a little bit too high, it was more like he threaten me than he felt apologetic.

“And? After all of this time, you decided to tell me now?” I suppressed the last word and move away from him. What’s in this boy’s mind? He can keep it to himself and he expected me not to be angry, while he’s so demanding about how I always have to be honest with him.

“I always wanting to tell you, but like I told you, this isn’t something too easy for me to say. The rejection hurt me, and my pride, in case you didn’t know about it.” He stopped for a while, “And maybe.. because I did hold a grudge on her for a while.”

I looked away, but I actually want to know about the story, so I asked without looking at him, “Why? And I don’t care if you would think I didn’t care about your pride.”

I can hear a long sigh, and then he said, “You might have read my thanks to in Lucifer; I wrote to her: I thanked to and sorry to, I also wont forget. What I meant is I wont forget what she did to me.”

“And what is that?”

“She.. well, you know I was quite close to her-“

“I know, I worked for SNSD before I work for you.” I cut his words.

“Yes,” he understood my attitude, “and I confessed my feelings but she said I was just her favorite dongsaeng.” He paused, “I know I never told you this, but when you first work for us.. that’s when I start trying to forget about her. I want to focus on the group’s activity, and thank God, after that we have a new show..” He must talked about Hello Baby.

I just sit there, and so he continued, “Suddenly, she started to come find me again, I was reluctant at first, but then I give in trying to be friendly, only to find that she.. missed me and actually wanted us to give it a try. I mean, to start a relationship.”

“I know.” I rolled my eyes, “So you agreed?”

“No.” he shook my head, “And that’s explain what I wrote in Lucifer. Because I couldn’t let her do that, not after she disappointed me. I was angry at her, how could her, playing with my feelings like that? And also.. because there’s someone else. That person came to my days in a natural way, but somehow, being with me in my activities, she kept helping me to understand myself. It might not be her intention, or mine, but unknowingly I began to really fond of her..”

Me.

His eyes told me, even without him saying out loud. But I don’t know, I was too upset to be flustered by his confession.

“So I was some kind of rebound?” I chuckled and then stood up to walk to the kitchen table as I heard his startled words.

“Rebound?! No! what makes you think so?”

“You think.” I said as I get my bag, “But one thing, you haven’t answer my question earlier.” I knew he was already standing beside me without looking, “Why did you tell me right now? Why now? Don’t you think you need to be honest with me, after all of your demand on me?”

He looked at me, guilt drawn all over his doe eyes, “Because it’s my failure. Because I don’t want you to think what you did think right now, that you are a rebound. Because I feel guiltier and guiltier to hide this from you, the compensation is me being too demanding to you. And also because.. Yuri Noona just gave her blessing to both of us.”

I turned to him, “She what?” I laughed a bit, “So.. after making all those idol who attend to SHINee concert knows about our relationship, you made your way to tell her?” Yes, after the 2nd day of their concert, from Changmin-sshi, Siwon-sshi, Yoona-ah, and another from the same agency, to Nickhun-sshi and others, Minho somehow made them knew about “his new pride”, me. That already making me felt uncomfortable myself, having Nickhun praised me like that.

So now his former flame –no pun intended- found out too?

“It seems that she knew accidentally, and then she said she’s happy for you too, Noona.”

I don’t have any hard feelings towards Yuri-ah, aside from Minho’s issue I guess, since during those days when I worked for SNSD, she’s quite a charmer too, but now I don’t know anymore.

And besides, did he really need to tell her about having me as his girlfriend? or rather just tell her that he already have a girlfriend to show her he doesn’t think about her anymore?

So I just asked him, “So.. as now almost everyone knows about me, even your former love, what would you do if I was in trouble? Lee Oppa offered me a protection, how about you? Because I think it’s only a matter of time that your dedicated fans would find out about me too.”

I admitted that saying those words is just one of my way to hurt Minho because I still feel upset towards him. Im not literally want anything from Lee Oppa, or any other guy than Minho himself. No.

He looked so scandalized, but he still managed to answer calmly, “I.. would understand if you don’t want to listen or talk to me. I’d give you sometime.. if that’s what you want. But I would give you all the explanation you want whenever you feel like wanting to hear it.”

Oh I don’t know what I want anymore, Minho. So then I just said to him, “Fine.” And then I walked to the door, with him standing there. All of the sweetness I felt today just washed away like that. I know that it might sound ridiculous to all of you, getting angry for something like this, but I cant help my feelings. To be honest, a part of me would expect him to follow me and grab my hand to stop me, but I also feel reluctant to just forgive him like that after I remembered how he treated me back then every time he found out that I was hiding something from him.

I opened the dorm’s door and walking home with a heavy feeling.
But then something came up in my mind, together with a painful pang in my chest.
So this is how he felt in the past..

--

A week after that,

21.01.2011

-

Minho did really giving me some space. Means, he doesn’t talk to me that much, other than stuffs related to work, and he did ask how I would go home by the end of the day, or texted to make sure that I safely home, but that’s it. After we’ve been open up to people around us, he always shows it off, so now with his silence, they realized there’s something unusual between Minho and I, considering usually he loves to stick with me wherever I am. But judging from his expression, no one really asked him about it, and just giving me a questionable look.

Kibum would likely to be the one who nags about this, but he seems kinda preoccupied about Nicole, she seems having a problem recently. And of course, Taemin always able to realize if there’s something happened with me.

He didn’t say anything, but within the whole week, he’s the one who always be by my side, until I even heard my assistant commented about one thing.

Eun-ah said, “The fans seem talking about it, how Taeminnie looked kind of drifted away and always looked in daze. Usually he would normally smile at them and teasing them from afar, but now he was being quite. And he did, while walking between you and the crowd, in case you haven’t notice yet.”

“Me?” I pointed to myself, and at that same time, Taemin appeared from behind the door, take me by the hand to leave the room.

“Baby-ah, what is it?” I frowned.

“This is just too much for me to handle.” I could hear him mumbled.

So he took me to the cafeteria, as he bought a small carton of strawberry milk and then he deliberately buy me a box of cigarette, after convincing the cashier that he bought it not for himself –since he’s still underage, but it’s for me, the one he told to sit on the sofa near the window.

I lifted my eyebrows, staring at the cigarette pack he put on the table. I thought he would hate it if I continue to smoke. “But.. why..?” I took it and pointed to him.

“Noona is stressed out. I could understand if you want to smoke more. I,” He suppressed the word ‘I’, “try to understand you.”

Really. Taemin is acting weird, because after saying that he sighed, and his expression changed.

“And maybe.. because I also wanting to ask an apology.” He suddenly looked so small, yet before he seems quite powerful with his attitude.

“What is it, Baby?” I smiled, cant help but feel this way towards him.

“First of all.. I figured out that you were upset because of um.. Yuri Noona. And I admitted it, I knew, well all Hyungs knew it too. But we kept it from you, only because Minho Hyung wanted it to be like that. I couldn’t blame him, but didn’t say that I agreed too. I just feel like I need to tell you that I don’t mean to keep you in the dark like this.”

I shook my head, “You don’t need to feel like that, Minnie-ah.”

“But I did. And also because I do kept something from you.. it’s been happening for a while.”

I looked at him, and he seems kind of serious. So I waited.

“I think.. the one who told Manager Hyung about you and Minho Hyung.. is Lee Hyung.” He finally spoke out.

Really, I didn’t expect him to talk about Lee Oppa, so I asked, “What?” But Lee Oppa said that he wanted to protect me.. didn’t he? It doesn’t make any sense.

“He.. sympathize you, Noona. Heck, he likes you.” Taemin sipped on his strawberry milk, but looked rather not calm.

“But.. how do you know?” I mean.. im not that stupid, but to hear it loudly, and not to mention, it’s from Taeminnie, I wouldn’t have expect this.

“Because he told me so.”

So that weird feelings every time I saw Taemin became uncomfortable to be around me and Lee Oppa.. Oh poor Baby, he must felt burden by the confusion whether to tell me or not.

Then Taemin explained to me how Lee Oppa asked him about me, considering by his opinion I’m closest to the maknae. Being the ignorant Taemin, my Baby was really surprised. And his reaction was per usual, careless. But this time, other than saying he has a crush on me –like what he once did in the past, Taemin said that I already have someone.

“ButIdidn’ttellhimwhoitis,Noona . Iswear.” Taemin explained to me in one breath. He looked really nervous, but he managed to calm a little bit, “It’s just that.. the day I told him, that’s when you and him together with Minho Hyung and his activity. He later came to me and said he knew it was Minho. I don’t know how he found out.”

Im listening and he continued, “But I never thought that things would turn that way, I was so scared, knowing that I might be the one who should be blamed, Noona. I really didn’t mean to, I just.. I mean, I even didn’t understand, whether it’s only a plain jealousy, or because I really don’t want Lee Hyung to bothers you when he told me about you.”

I can understand him, at least so far, as Taemin and I protect each other like siblings, but then Im thinking, after I knew about Lee Oppa, and then what? It’s not that things would change. Well, if it does, it wouldn’t just because of Lee Oppa.

“I wont mad at you, Baby-ah.. what’s done is done. And I knew you never want to do any harm.. don’t worry.” I patted his head and then he said to me, “I know.. you must feel uneasy because of Yuri Noona’s issue with Hyung, right?”

Hesitantly, I nodded. I hate to looked weak, but I cant help it. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind if I show this side to Minho, as now I began to be open to him, but since this trouble caused by him, my pride wont let me.

“But you didn’t need to go this far, Baby..” I took the cigarette and smiled, “Thanks anyway.”

Knowing that I don’t want to open the pack, he snatched it right away from my hand, “Great! Then we could just give it to Manager or dancer Hyungs.”

“Eh?” I laughed.

Then he smiled his 1000 dollars smile, “Don’t worry, Noona.. while Minho Hyung couldn’t walk by your side, I’ll do it. Besides, I believed that this is what he would want, other than trusted you to anyone else.”

“Aigoo.. Our Taeminnie is a grown up.” I praised him as he still smiling, although his eyes gleaming with something I cant read. Maybe it’s just my feelings.

“And trust me, Noona, whatever it looks like, there’s nothing between Minho Hyung and Yuri Noona. Hyung’s pride is too high, and I know there’s only one person who can make him compromised.. she’s sitting in front of me right now.”

I chuckled as then he teased me, “Omo, Noona’s cheek. You’re embarrassed because of my words.”

“Yaa!” I shouted, of course, jokingly.

“Noona.. Noona.. stop being so precious, would you?” Taemin sang that sentence, as somehow it doesn’t seem like a tease anymore.

I looked at him and then he gave me a serene look, “You deserve to be more than a hidden truth, Noona-ah.”

Really, what’s with Taemin and his praises, pouring down at me, today?

--

And so at the present time,

23.01.2011

-

“Noona-ah, lets go home~~” I looked up right after I wrote down the date on my journal. I saw Taeminnie stand in front me, giving out his hand to me, and I just realized that Onew-goon is behind him.

The leader explained, “The meeting ends earlier than we thought.” He meant the meeting about their Japanese debut.

I nodded, “Okay then..” and I saw Lee Oppa walked into the room.

Taemin gives me a signal through his stare, but I shook my head slightly. No, I wont say anything towards Lee Oppa. It wont change anything, so just let it go. He didn’t know that I knew everything from Taeminnie anyway, that’s why I also wanted to keep my Baby from trouble.

But then I saw Minho and Jjong walked behind their Assistant Manager, so I shifted my stare. Yes, the boyfriend of mine still acts like he’s giving me some time, although for me, it’s like he doesn’t care about me anymore.

“Come on.” Baby gives me a sign, and before I realized, my assistants already handles everything; with the wardrobe and accessories. I wonder whether the Maknae who asked them to do that.

“Noona, lets go for a strawberry milk.” Again, Taemin said to me.

“Ah, yes. Okay.” I said to him. And as we were walking, I know his Hyungs –minus Kibum, followed us from behind, to go to the car.

There’s a small crowd of their fans, who’s already shrieking and calling the boys names. And somehow, I got caught between Minho and those fans. I looked up, and Taemin seems to slow down his pace because he needs to take out his phone from his bag as it ringing.

“Umma?” I hear him saying, so I know it’s from his mother. He gave me an apologetic look because he literally makes me walk by myself in the front and he couldn’t catch up with me.

I nod and continue to walk as then I felt someone pass me by.

Minho stood beside me, while waving to the fans.

I lifted my head and he took a glance with the corner of his eyes. Then he murmured, “It’s always been you, who walk along with the other staffs in time like this, but no.. from now on, you wont be anymore.” Yes, it was the unwritten rules, the staff –even the girls, will walk closer to the people, just for the sake of the idols. If it’s not, we were walking way behind.

He said again, with the same small yet deep voice, “I might still cant show you around and exposed you to them, but this is the least I can do, because I hate the fact that I have to hide you like this. And Im sorry for what I caused.”

I didn’t say anything, scared that someone might heard him or my words if I give him my answer.

But as we go to separate cars, I heard him saying, “Not talking to you for this long is . Now I understand how you feel, Noona, when I ignored you because of my selfish sulkiness.”

Well, good. Because I missed you too.

And so I went back to my place, with my own car.

Only when I think things between me and Minho would be back to normal again, right after I came home, I got a phone call from Kibum.

“Yes, Kibummie?” I answered.

“Noona, is Minho with you?” He sounds a bit in a hurry.

“No, eh, didn’t he go home with the others? Besides, where were you?” I asked him as Kibum is the one whom I didn’t see earlier.

“Yes, he did. But then he and Taemin talked about something when I went home, next thing we knew, Minho darted out from our dorm, after Taemin shouted not to do something careless. Did you know anything about this? Onew Hyung is gone and Jonghyun Hyungie is sleeping. I smell trouble but Maknae didn’t say a word, I was soooo freaking upset to him.” before I can say anything, I heard Taemin’s voice from behind and then Kibum also half-shouting back, saying that Taemin should tell him everything.

Shoot.

Lee Oppa.

Really, Minho. Please don’t do the thing I think you would do.
I don’t need you to protect me, I don’t need you to be a hero or anything.
Can we just go back to when people still know nothing about us?
Can we just go to when there’s no one except us?

Moreover, if Minho talked to Lee Oppa, more likely Manager Oppa will know about this, and my agreement with him to keep my relationship under the radar would be ruin.

I.. I couldn’t let Minho do that.

As I grabbed my keys and run out from my door, I wonder..

When we have a relationship with someone who should be unattainable for the world..
There are two definite options; forever living as a secret or stood out together in the spotlight.
I couldn’t go back to the point where I was only a secret, it’s already too late.
And standing where I am now, in between the dark and the light, is something that could kill in the process.
But to step out to the world.. who the hell am I anyway?

Baby-ah..
I think you’re wrong. Im already getting used to be someone you called as a hidden truth.
And now I understand what I really felt towards Yuri-sshi.. or even Eunseo-sshi.
It’s a matter of what you called as existence.

Minho-ah..
Can you stop, even only for 1 second, thinking that my existence in outside world is so important for you?
Cant you just keep me for yourself like you used to do?
Can you stop, wherever you are right now?
Because if you continue.. then I was thrown to stumble under the spotlight, I don’t know whether I could survive.

Or maybe.. then you should take someone else with you.
Someone who’s already familiar living in the bright spotlight.

**********************************************************************************************************************************************

HEYYYYY im backkkk after so loooonggg break.

I know this chapter might leave you some question again, but then again, it also revealed some issues too :D

I said that I would give the opinion of Minho's mother about Noona in the previous chapter, but im sorry, it has to wait :3

And whether Minho's reaction (whatever it is) towards Assistant Manager Lee would make Noona felt at ease or not, the next chapter will be a tied-up chapter with this one, so eventhough i cant promise anything since i was kind of busy recently, i hope it wont be too long to complete.

Thank you for your comments! it really meant a lot to me :)

Lovelovelove,

z.

oh and Happy (belated) Birthday to my Precious Baby Taeminnie, the cutest yet coolest kid in town :D you shocked me with your barbie look, I know you wouldnt be happy at first because of course you want to be seen as a manly guy but hey.. it means you're a great performer, so kudos to you!

:3