I had been sitting in the cafeteria when my parents came rushing towards me. It was already morning and I have no idea how long I had been staring at my coffee.

I had no idea Jay’s condition was that serious. He was still talking to us, barking orders when he was taken away by the ambulance. I thought he was going to be alright. Then why? Why this?

Although his vital signs were stable, he had not woken up yet. Dr. Yang told me it was expected and it had only been a few hours so I need not worry. But I still did. No tears came out from my eyes. It was worse than my break up with Donghae. The thought of losing the person who had been my second father for my whole life, the person who had been there for me forever, it was as if my heart, no-my whole body was being continuously placed in a meat crusher. I could not do anything, not even cry.

The girls never left me. They tried to give me food or anything to drink. Tried to persuade me to sleep. But I just couldn’t. When my parents arrived, I probably looked bad. Mom started crying and Dad enveloped us both in his arms.

But I still couldn’t talk. I wanted to tell them that I was alright. But I couldn’t will myself to move my mouth. Because I wasn’t alright. The person who had been with me through everything is dying. Because of me. It was my fault. Everything was.

When Donghae called, I was outside the ICU. Everybody except Jonghun and I went inside to see Jay. I couldn’t make myself to go there either.

With hands shaking, I answered the call. The moment I heard his voice, I cried. All my tears came pouring down. I could not understand a thing but his voice soothing me in the other line.

“I- I did this. This is all my fault,” I told him.

“No it isn’t babe. It isn’t,” he said soothingly.

When I had finally calmed down, I tried to persuade him not to come.

“But babe, this is the time you need me the most. Why shouldn’t I be there?” he asked. I can hear him hustling around, probably preparing his stuff in a hurry.

“Please don’t. I- I can manage. Mom and Dad are here. Oppa’s coming too. You have a lot of things to do. And I’m alright,” I said. After a long pause, “Physically, I am. I’m coming home with them don’t worry. Dad wanted Jay treated in our hospital,” I continued.

“But-“

“Please. Don’t worry. I’ll see you as soon as he’s stable. I love you,” I said hanging up.

But I didn’t. I didn’t see him soon. Because Jay was far from stable. And I was far from being sane as well.