I gather all the strength that I had left in me, and pull myself up from the cold floor. My hands are still shaking, my breathing is hitching and the tears blur my eyes but I have no choice but to leave. Every step is heavier as I walk away from the room.

I am no longer needed here, nor am I wanted. I need to leave, to breath fresh air, to calm my heart, to fix my head.

I’ve felt this before, the pang of hatred, jealousy, and grief because a close friend took away my girl. But this time its different. At least this time, YoungBae is not at fault. It was me who stupidly letting go of my moral and let my self fall for the charm and wit of her. This is my entire fault and I got no one to blame.

I successfully drag my lifeless body into my car. I turn on the engine and press gas to its maximum as soon as I reach the main road. I have no destination, I have no plan. All I want is to leave the pain that is currently shadowing my whole being. The tears do not stop making it harder for me to drive. All I can do now is grid my teeth to tolerate the pain.

I halt my car in front of an underground bar. I don’t really know where I am but from the look of the neighborhood, I doubt people would recognize me. I put on my sunglasses and lower my hoodie and got out of the car, into the bar.

The bar is almost empty with only few people sitting here and there. The stench is horrid and I can see stain of vomit in every corner. The air is filled with smoke and there is barely any ventilation. I thank God for the lack of light in this place because it’ll give me some chance at being unknown.

I sit on the stool bar in the far right. The stool is slightly wet from possibly beer, but I don’t give a damn. I order a double shot of Bacardi and gulp them in one go. I continuously order the same drink until ultimately the bartender leaves the bottle for me to fill myself. Regardless of how many shots I drink, the pain doesn’t dissolves. In fact, it only makes it more agonizing because now, everywhere I look, I see YoungBae and Cheryl, kissing.

I had my head in my hands when I notice someone is sitting on the stool next to me. I look to my left with my blurry vision, and I can see the guy is puffing out smoke. Cigarettes! This is what I need! I tap his shoulder and point at his cigarettes. I can only rely on sign language now because I am certain that at my state, I wont be able to make a coherent sentence.

“You want?” He asks uncertainly. I nod.

“Are you sure?” He asks again. I nod.

“Alright” He finally agrees and grabs a small plastic bag out of his jeans pocket. In the plastic bag, there are around 5 badly shaped cigarettes. Their sizes don’t look the same and they don’t seem to be filled properly. He pulled out one, and he hands it to me.

“It’s pretty expensive, but seeing how you look, I think you kind of need it buddy. Enjoy.” He says, tapping my shoulder lightly as if he understands my sorrow.

Without thinking, I put the cigarette on my lips and grabbing his lighter. One puff, it taste heavenly. Two puff, my head starts to swirl. Third puff, I realize that this is not tobacco. ! I throw away the weeds on the wet table instinctively, making the paper slightly wet.

“Yo what the heck dude! That was expensive!” The weed guy grabs the wet roll and tries to dab it with his t-shirt. He looks at me, displeased. I stare at him in amusement. Did this guy really just gave me a roll of weed, and expect me to happily smoke it?!

I finish the last sip of my Bacardi, grab my hoodie and head the door in a rush with adrenaline rushing through me. The weed guy is still talking about how much he spent on one roll and how ungrateful I was for wasting it away. I drive my car with no destination again, but this time, instead of because I was heartbroken, this time was because of shock. What am I going to do?! What if people finds out that I just had weed?! My palms are wet and shaking, but I try to control it by tightening the grip on the steering wheel.

I finally reach my destination: home. I park my car, but stay inside for a while. The silence is soothing. It gives me the chance to think over what happens today. I had my head on the steering wheel as I try to pieces the events that just happen to me. I just punched my best friend in the face, saw him kissing the girl that I love, and to make it worse, I try to find solitude from weed!

.

Hours passed, days rolled and months changed. I am not who I am anymore. What left in me is just a man and his brain. I continue working, but I make sure I am alone. Editing is done separately and my manager is the one who is handling the transfer of the data. Recording is no longer supervised and the members handling them smoothly. I barely talk to anyone and I rarely seen outside. YG hyung even called in my parents about my condition, asking them to pay a visit. They did, but to no success.

The members noticed the changes as soon as the next recording session started because I wasn’t there. It was not my character to be absent on recording days, but that was the old me. Now, I don’t give a damn about quality and I don’t give a damn about originality. They want me to produce music? I can simply press 3 notes, and call it a song.

I’ve never met YoungBae since that incident. I don’t want to. The rest have been trying to sneak a meet between him and I but I can always smell danger from afar. I pull myself away from the group and I am not even feeling remorse. BigBang is great, but the members already showed that they could do well on their own. I am not needed. BigBang is no longer needed.

I am in my room, enjoying the severe agony that has been my friend for the last months. Instead of running away from it, now I am embracing it. I drown my self in hard liquor and cigarettes. My diet is now basically consists of fries, Tequila and Malboro. My body is shrinking and I look more like a corpse than a living being.

Suddenly, the phone rings. I pick up after the 5th rings.

“G-Dragon speaking” I answer. My tone is cold and flat.

“I am Kim Jung Goo, the head of the Seoul Police Department.” He introduces himself.

“How can I help you?” I ask, uninterestedly.

“We have some anonymous reports made regarding usage by Kwon Ji Yong-ssi. We wish you to cooperate with us and come to the Seoul Police Station for investigation.” He says and I feel like I lost my soul.

“Yeobuseyo, Kwon-ssi?” He says after a long silence from me.

“Ne. I understand. I’ll come now” I says, with the last remaining breath.

My face is pale like no blood is running in my vein. The event that occurred months ago flashes back to me clearly as if it was happen yesterday. My whole nightmare is perfectly becomes reality. Just when I thought my world is ending, God finds away to drag me even lower.

With shaking hands, I drive my car to the police station. Knowing that I would come, they had prepared some security to dismiss any media. I am sure they have called YG hyung about this and I know he is doing whatever he can to have this investigation as further away from the media as possible.

When I walk into the room, I found YG hyung, sitting in the lounge. His face is warned out, like he hasn’t sleeping for days. Once he saw me, he stands up and drags me to the corner.

“What have you done now?” His voice is harsh and callous as he looks at me with fire in his eyes.

I can’t find the courage to answer and all I can do is look down at the tiled-floor.

Hours passed after I did the urine test. YG hyung never once leave my side, even though I know he hates me like never before. The waiting room is quiet and there are only YG hyung, my manager and I. The atmosphere is severe and everyone is dying with curiosity for the result. I on the other hand, am contemplating different path for my future that I might need to take if they found out and drag me to jail.

After 4 hours of waiting, two investigators walk in, holding a piece of paper that will define my future.

“Kwon-ssi, we have good news” The tall one with the glasses smiles warmly at me. “There is no trace of narcotics from your urine test” He says and almost immediately, YG hyung jumps up in happiness as he shouted “Oh, thank God”. I am happy but baffled at the same time. I did consume one few months ago, why didn’t it show?

The shorter investigators with a grim mood notice my expression and seem to caught on. He nudges the taller men and whispers some words, making the taller man wrinkle his eyebrows as he looks at me. I try my best to maintain my expression but to no success.

“Umm… Juisonghabnida, but my colleague advices me to do further investigations in this case. Its not a big deal, just a test from strands of hair to give us 100% certainty. But don’t worry so much about it, since your urine doesn’t show anything, I’m sure this one wont either” The taller man says, with an apologetic smile towards YG hyung and me. YG hyung drop himself back to the sofa and sigh, shoving me to the investigators to cut strands of my hair.

My palm is sweating heavily and my heartbeat goes berserk. We’ve been in this place for almost a day and still, no conclusion has yet been made. The test result hasn’t been finished, making us more anxious as the night comes.

The news already leaked about my investigation and netizens already made their own opinion. I try my best to skip all the hateful comments, but I could catch one or two words that shattered my life. ‘I knew it’ was the worst one I’ve seen. So, all this time, despite praising me for my work, they think of me as a drug addict?! The comments I read make the wait even more tormenting.

The door finally opens, with the same two men appear. The tall man is no longer smiling. He looks disappointed. This time, the shorter man has the paper in his hands with a victorious grin on his face.

“Listen up, Mr. Kwon. We’ve finally found trace of in your hair. It is confirmed that you had used . May not be a lot, but there is. We will be taking this investigation further, and you might face a jail time. Right now, you can go home and you may call your attorney for any legal matters that you might be facing. We will contact you soon about the progress of this case.” He says, cannot hide his smirk. I look to my right and YG hyung is already pale as a ghost as he stares blankly into the wall. My manager, who’s been standing most of the time, is now sitting lifelessly on the wooden chair in the corner. I curse myself, trying my best not to shed a tear. I knew this day would come haunting me and again, I got no one to blame but myself.

The van stops in front of my apartment. The journey from the police station was distressing and no one even say a word. YG hyung decides to ride with me to my apartment. He instructed me to grab my belongings and quickly leave to my parent’s house. He thinks the best way to deal with this is for me to vanish for a while. I got nothing to say, so I simply agreed.

Once I open my apartment door, my four brothers are standing at the end of the hallway, in my living room, looking as pale as YG hyung. They were in pyjamas and sleeping-ware and their face seems like they’ve gone through hell. For a few minutes, none of us make a move. We all stare at each other in silence, trying to make sense of what had happened, until SeungRi broke the stillness and run to me and take me to his embrace. I soon notice that he’s crying when I can feel my shoulder is damp. I can’t fight it anymore and let out all the pain, guilt, and regret that I’ve been trying to bottle up as I cry and cry onto SeungRi’s shoulder. The rest make their way to us and drape their arms over me, trying to give me strength.

20 minutes passed and I am still in SeungRi’s arms. I am no longer crying because these past few months has drained all the tears I have in me. SeungRi, however, is still sobbing. It pains me to see that my favorite dongsaeng is hurt because of my mistake and I have no power to make him feel better.

“Maknae-ah, let go already” YoungBae says, I can sense that he is slightly annoyed.

SeungRi let go of his arms that were around my shoulder and wipe his face. He had his head down, not wanting anyone to see his face after 20 minutes of crying and all I can do is hug him tighter before walking arm in arm to the rest waiting in the living room.

“What’s the plan?” SeungHyun hyung breaks the silence after we all seated on the sofa.

“I’m going to my parents” I answers, looking at my hands. Knowing all the possible disaster my scandal may bring, I have no guts to look at them in the eye.

“Why?” YoungBae’s voice sounds a little desperate, not wanting to lose his best friend.

“For a while, until this whole mess is done. I hope.” I answers, with no trace of hatred towards YoungBae anymore. Yes, I hated him these last months for he took my love away. But now, I am even worse, I am taking away my brothers’ future because of my stupidity and now I have no right to place any sign of hostile towards him.

“YG hyung will help you sort this out, hyung” DaeSung tries to comfort me as he my back.

“Yes, we’ll survive, hyung. We’re here for you until the end” Maknae chimes in; his head is resting on my shoulder.

If all this time I’ve told interviewers that I think of BigBang as family, after tonight, I don’t think ‘family’ is even close to what I think of them. When they have all the rights to hate me, leave me, and kick me out of the group, they instead visited me and give me courage and strength. Regardless of how I acted towards them these past months, they still shake those away and become my saviors at my time of needs. They are more than my family, they're my other half. Unconsciously, tears are streaming down my cheeks again.

ANNYEONGHASEYO :)

Sorry for the dark chapter..... TT TT but i hope you guys enjoy it regardless...

at first i wanted to drag this and make it a couple of chapters but then, i dont think anyone likes a depressing chapter so much, right?

anyway, thank you for reading this guys!! saranghaeyo <3 !!

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