我努力假装现在过得很好

现在的你看来已不需要我

也许在不同的时空

还牵着你的手

想知道你真的过得好吗

没有我也许是种解脱

将思念穿梭在宇宙数千光年

悄悄到你身边

English translation:

I try hard to pretend I'm doing well

It seems you no longer need me now

Perhaps in a different time and space,

I'd still be holding your hand.

Are you really doing fine?

Maybe you really are better off without me

I take my thoughts and travel thousands of light years through the universe,

trying to quietly reach your side.

Maybe you really are better off without me.

*****

Two Years Later

I grabbed my leather tote bag and raced to class while panting heavily. I wiped off the sweat from my forehead and grinned sheepishly at my lecturer, who glared at me as I walked in the lecture hall. "I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Smith." I said as I gracefully entered and quickly found an empty seat at the front row. My lecturer grumbled slightly and resumed his teaching. I sank down on my seat, ignoring the glances that were directed my way and quickly whipped my Macbook out of my leather tote bag, flipping it on and starting to take down notes. My university lecturer was currently talking about the evolution process and how Charles Darwin managed to discover the stepping block of the universe. 

When classes were over, I walked out of the campus and strolled leisurely down the street. I enjoyed the way the sun seemed to shine down on all the buildings thus giving the usually grey and dreary London city a bit more color and light. The weather was unusually beautiful today and I could feel my spirits rise along with it. All around me, the busy inhabitants of London bustled around whilst hurrying to their respective destinations. Each of them had their own story to tell.

I entered my cosy apartment in Westminister and as if on cue, my phone started ringing. I glanced at the caller ID and a genuine smile appeared on my face. I answered "Hello?"

Luhan's familiar voice floated through the speaker. "Ji-eun! How are you?"

I laid down on my leather sofa and said breezily "I'm fine. I was late for class again though. Thank goodness Mr. Smith didn't make a huge fuss about it." Luhan reprimanded me slightly for being late and I rolled my eyes. Even after so many years, Luhan still acted so motherly towards me. It was a huge comfort yet a huge hassle at times. We talked for a while then Luhan hung up, promising to call me back tomorrow. I dropped my phone on the table and walked over to the balcony of my apartment.

I stepped out onto the balcony and closed my eyes as the warm wind gently caressed my face.

A familiar face entered my mind and I smiled bitterly. 

Two years.

I am unable to forget.

*****

It felt like a dream.

These past two years had felt like a surreal dream, rising up and down in waves and occasionally pricking me with a painful memory. I am unable to forget, yet I am unable to remember. Every single day, the memories of us become blurrier and the pain becomes duller but the feelings remain the same. I am still as painfully in love as I was two years ago.

I didn't know how I managed to survive through the remainder of high school. Every single inch of that dreadful place reminded me of him. I couldn't even set foot into that dreaded place without letting a surge of painful memories to bombard me again, pricking me with the fresh raw memories, burying me alive under a pile of rubble and making me unable to breathe.

But at least I'm still alive.

Friday finally arrived and classes were over. I had refused to follow my friends to the bar. I didn't feel like partying at the moment. All I wanted to do was snuggle up on the couch and read a book. The weather had become extremely cold with the occasional gusts of wind. I only had a thin trench coat to keep myself warm and my entire body was shivering from the icy weather. I quickened my footsteps back to my warm cosy apartment as I was extremely eager to be free from the cold.

The streets were fairly busy today as everyone hurried back home. Like me, they were all eager to escape from the cold. London's city lights twinkled beautifully in the dark and I could see the majestic Westminister Abbey in the horizon. I chuckled at the thought of my friends drinking at the bar. I knew most of them were going to be drunk by the time they were done, and I knew I probably had to step out of my warm apartment later to safely them back home.

There were a few street performers busking on the streets right now, despite the cold weather. There was an old man playing the saxophone, with the case in front of him for coins. There was a couple singing a random Adele song which was gaining quite a lot of interest from the passerbys. And there was also a boy playing the guitar and singing. A huge crowd gathered around him so he was partially blocked from my view. I could hear the sound of coins constantly dropping onto the guitar case in front of him. 

Just then, the familiar words filled the air.

"As if I was reborn as a child who doesn't know anything,

I thought it was a dream so I closed my eyes,

You were standing in front of me and praying,

I want to walk side by side with you for once.

I enter your world and you ask where I came from,

I didn't answer but if we just walk together like this,

Wherever we go, it'll be heaven.

You are more dazzling than an angel,

Just like the first person who stepped in Eden,

Wherever we go, it'll be heaven."

I froze.

I literally stopped dead still in the middle of the street.

The icy weather barely bothered me anymore.

The hoards of people separating the two of us seemed to have faded into an insignificant blur and at that moment, it felt like we were the only ones left in the world. All of a sudden, I felt a painful awarenes and all the memories that seemed to have evaded me came rushing back, filling my mind and soul. I recognized that song. I recognized that voice. I recognized those words. 

I would recognize them anywhere.

I slowly turned around and saw that beautiful boy playing the guitar. It was the same boy that left me two years ago. It was the same boy that broke my heart into a million pieces. It was the same boy that left me feeling hollow and empty inside. I had once believed that meeting him was something that was set in the stars and something that was destined, so that two screwed up souls can meet and become whole again.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe screwed up souls can never become whole again. 

Just then, he opened his eyes and lifted his head. I froze up again as he caught my gaze. Even though there was a huge crowd of people between the two of us, our eyes still managed to meet as easily as that. I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe again and the all too familiar feeling of helplessness started rising up in the pits of my stomach.

I turned around and blindly ran away.