Aria POV

I went backstage to congratulate Sehun. Exo performance was really amazing and thy received a lot of awards...not as much as Big Bang but it was still a big deal. I showed my pass to the security guards and ventured alone in that maze. Where was EXO’s room? I couldn’t read Cantonese and the tags on the walls were not in any other language.

I was about to turn around and go ask for help when a familiar voice stopped me in my track. Emi.

I went back on my steps and peeked inside one of the rooms. Emi was there all right…and so was Ji Yong. Did she really follow him all the way here? Do they really have a relationship like the press was saying? In the last video of them, Ji Yong was protecting her from the media, an arm around her shoulder, her head buried in his chest.

• I think this his destiny…how you say that in Korean…운명 (Unmyeong. Fate) she said.

Ji Yong’s awkward stance and Emi sweet smile was almost more than I could take.

Okay, 인정 (Injeong. I admit), Emi and he was like the perfect couple, both beautiful, both rich and maybe they indeed had fate working in their favor. I was also the one that decided I didn’t want more with him. But even knowing all that, hearing it out loud, particularly from that whitch was making my heart clench and my guts churn. I knew and always have known that G-Dragon was an impossible dream, someone that I could never have except for the few moments we had because let’s face it: he was up there and I was down there. Yet, facing it like this made me realize that deep down, I was maybe hoping for more…I didn’t get it. I had always known that Ji Yong was not mine, then why? Why was it hurting like this?

Was this jealousy? I suddenly went nauseous at all the dark emotions swirling inside me. I wanted to run up to them and take Ji Yong far away from her. I wanted to make Ji Yong look away from her lovely and perfect face and look at me instead. I wanted Ji Yong to kiss me like he had done that last night we saw each other. I wanted to desperately hold him and never let go. I closed my eyes and took deep breath to control my trembling body. I could see all my life in sharp fragments but all I could focus on were my memories with Ji Yong: the first time we met, his wide smile, his teasing smile, him on top of me with eyes half-closed in pleasure, those soft lips instinctively seeking mines, his warm hugs, his beating heart so close to mine, his…

" Once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again, you have a fear that every person is going to break your heart."

" Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your head is telling you it’s not a good idea, but your heart tells you that you can fly."

"I’m scared of losing you, but then again, you’re not even mine."

Taeyang, TOP and Ji Yong’s words were echoing in my head.

Was this what they called love? Was this what love was? Was this how it felt? The weight of the very implication was pressing down on me, making me go all weak in my knees, just as Ji Yong words that night.

" You’ve become so damaged that when someone tries to give you happiness, to give you what you deserve, you have no ing idea how to respond but I got it now; let’s just stay out of each other lives."

I looked up again and almost puked when I saw Emi and Ji Yong kissing. I couldn’t breathe properly. I wanted to vomit, to cry my eyes out and to scream at them. Had Ji Yong been sincere and was really in love with me? Was he really ready to take my broken self and me and fixed us? Did, in my foolish attempt to protect myself, cruelly turned him down and walked on his love?

Suddenly all my feelings were so clearly defined, sorted and labeled. I was the world most stupid girl…and the meanest one too. How I must have destroyed Ji Yong. How I hated myself. The very thought on having hurt Ji Yong was enough to make my heart convulsed in violent cramps. This was pain I realized. Not the type of pain you get from being hit by your bastard boyfriend nor the type you get from being sold by your parents to the highest bidder to make their life better. No. This was real pain. The type of pain that can’t be healed, never forgiven, the pain you get for wounding beyond words someone you loved.

When Ji Yong brought his hand to gently caress Emi’s cheek, my heart broke and could not retrain a sob. Both their heads immediately turned to me.

I could not even flee; my feet were stuck on the ground and I was shaking like a helpless leaf in the wind.

• Elisabeth?
• Ice queen!

I started to cry, bawling my eyes out. It felt so good hearing him call me that again.

• Where’s your boyfriend? Did you get lost? Asked Emi.
• We can ask that later said Ji Yong coming to me and taking me by the hand to the sofa.

He sat me down and knelled before me. He never let go of my hand and I found myself squeezing his. I had missed him.

• Ice queen look at me. Are you okay?

I could not even answer, crying like it was the end of the world. Emi knelled next to him and put a gentle hand on ours.

• Elisabeth, is everything okay? Did you come to congratulate Ji?

Ji? She was already giving him nickname? And he was okay with it? Ji Yong let go of my hand and help Emi got up.

• Well thank you Aria-ssi, but you should get going.... I’ll have to perform soon and I would like to spend some minutes with my girlfriend.

Aria-ssi. Girlfriend. He said it. He just confirmed to me what everyone else was suspecting. He was dating Emi. He was pushing me aside, he was already over me. Instinctively, my hand went to my necklace and Ji Yong gaze softened when he saw it.

• You...you still have it he whispered....
• Ji... you should go.... I don’t want you to be late again because of me.

Ji Yong turned to his girlfriend and smiled. I could not let him leave like that. Before I could stop myself, I blurted

• Ji Yong-ah.... I mean Ji Yong-ssi...can we talk after the show?
• We have an after party with s after the show said Emi... well, I guess you can come with your boyfriend.

The members? Ji Yong was going to introduce her to s? Over my dead body. I suddenly got up, pissed off.

• 좋아, 우리가 갈 거야. (Joha, uriga gal geoya. Fine, we will come).

I looked at their incredulous face for a while, feeling proud of myself.

• 나 먼저 갈게 (Na meonjeo galge. I’ll go first). Good luck Ji Yong-ah!

Then I turned my heels and left. When I was sure that they could no longer see me, I leaned on a wall, my heart beating fast. !! Why did I have to say that? I would never be able to convince Sehunie to go to a Big Bang after party with me!! And EXO will have their one too....and Sehunie is my boyfriend...how should I explain all that to him? How could I tell him that I was sorry but I confused fraternal love and passionate love? How do I tell him that Kwon Ji Yong was the only one for me?

• Aria-yah!

! I put a hand on my heart and sent a deadly glare to Sehun who started to laugh.

• 놀랐어? (Nollasseo? Did I surprised you?) I knew that you’ll come to find me and that you’ll get lost.

I looked at his smile and I felt like crying. Could I really break his heart? Make him loose that smile? But staying with him now that I know that it was not love would hurt him more, right?

• Aria-yah?

I forced a smile and looked at my boyfriend, cursing myself in my head.

• You know me so well Sehunie... 축하해 (Chukhahae. Congratulations). You guys were amazing out there.
• Thank you...I have to go now. I can’t miss Big Bang 선배님들 (Seonbaenimdeul) performance...You can wait for us in our waiting room. 사랑해 (saranghae. I love you).

He went away, flashing me a heart with his hands and I could not help a single tear running down my cheek. I was really a bad person.