Fixing the mess you’ve created isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially when you’re the one who has to be fixed. Or, when there’s more people involved into your mess than intended.

It’s something Mingyu and I had to realize as soon as both of us tried to explain our decision towards the members, the manager and everyone else who’d been involved into the shambles of our relationship.

Most of the members didn’t fully agree with our decision to let Mingyu join the group again, too scared of the outcome, too doubtful when it came to Mingyu. And I couldn’t really understand that, not even wanting to believe that Mingyu’s behavior towards me was the reason for the members’ obvious hate against him.

Because it didn’t concern them, so I couldn’t understand.

Our manager, on the other hand, wasn’t exactly displeased with my decision to keep Mingyu with me. He was simply sceptic, thinking I would change my mind once again, not knowing how to handle the situation since many members in our group didn’t exactly agree with letting Mingyu be a part of us.

It was like he’d lost their trust. 

And even though I knew that I should’ve loved the sudden sympathy I got from them and been happy about their distrust concerning anything related to Mingyu, I knew that I couldn’t let it go on like that.

Because yeah, maybe he was at fault yet it didn’t give the members the right to simply dismiss Mingyu’s love for our group and pretend like he’d never been important to us anyways. It simply felt like they were doing what they thought would serve the less problematic outcome and even though I knew that they were just being careful and wanted to be on my side concerning this issue, I didn’t understand how they could simply turn their back on Mingyu and pretend like he’d never been a huge part of them.

I couldn’t pretend like them and so I told them exactly that, saying I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t give Mingyu a second chance when I was the one who’d been hurt the most but still took his side. 

“Wonwoo, that’s because you love Mingyu and just can’t let go of him.” Jeonghan said, trying to convince me that letting him leave was for the best yet I didn’t feel convinced at all.

Instead, I felt angry. Angry because the members didn’t even want to try solving this mess, angry that they couldn’t understand my feelings now that I’d finally laid them out in the open. 

“I want Mingyu by my side, so please just let us try this out and see where it goes.” I had to tell them countless times and when they finally agreed to go on with our plan, when they finally agreed to let Mingyu join as a member again and stay with us like he was supposed to, when I thought everything was going to be well I thought wrong.

Because I’d never known how deep and painful therapy could be.

Therapy itself sounded nice, just talking to your therapist and letting out all those different thoughts and feelings you had to go through. It sounded so easy to go and see a therapist yet every time I came home from a session I felt exhausted and my willingness to keep going through therapy kept decreasing. 

Because it was hard to go through those memories again, to root out all the problems and understand what had gone wrong all along. And even though I started to learn and acknowledge what I had done wrong and especially what I hadn’t done wrong, I still couldn’t stop feeling the pain from those years before.

Because the pain had been way to deep to simply be forgotten or accepted like that.

Mingyu too, even though the members had accepted to keep him with us, was having a hard time to adjust to therapy and it’s consequences. It wasn’t only one or two nights I counted where I found him in the living room at night, not able to sleep and not feeling well enough to be in the same room as the other members. 

No, instead I found him out there quite frequently, telling me he didn’t know if he would be able to go through all sessions, telling me he was scared of his past self and didn’t want to go through all those exhausting talks with his therapist again.

It was simply too painful.

Trying to forgive another person for their wrongdoings was one thing but trying to forgive oneself almost seemed impossible, too many inner barriers fighting against you.

“If only we could go back in time.” Was something Mingyu said almost every night, his eyes never meeting mine while speaking those words yet not being able to leave the topic uncommented. 

It was a fight against ourselves and it simply wasn’t as easy as I’d wished it to be, Mingyu not able to forgive himself, the members not able to let go of their grudge and me not able to understand that I hadn’t been at fault for the mess we had to go through. 

So when weeks passed by and our schedule was full with concerts, both Mingyu and I not exactly knowing how to behave in front of the members and most importantly in front of the fans, we couldn’t even do the one thing we’d used to be best at anymore.

Fanservice. 

It was an act which had been so easy and practical back then, an act which both Mingyu and I had felt so used to, something that we had been able to do without thinking much. Leaning your head against the other ones shoulder and standing close to each other, it had all been so easy.

But suddenly it didn’t work anymore.

Even though we tried so hard to make it seem natural. Tried for ourselves, tried for the members and especially tried for the fans. Tried to make everything seem like normal, like our relationship wasn’t in shambles and we were still the closest friends you could imagine.

It didn’t work.

Comments over comments kept flooding our social media, complaining about how their favorite couple had become too forced, how Mingyu and I didn’t seem to enjoy each other’s company anymore, how uncomfortable our relationship had become. And they were right, they were completely right which is why we decided to put a stop on the fanservice and let go of everything we’d been so used to all those years before.

Meanie was announced dead, just like that. 

But instead something much better, much realer was blooming between us. I wouldn’t call it trust since Mingyu had lost mine a long time ago and it would take much longer for me to even think about trusting him again. No, instead we started to find a mutual understanding for each other’s situation, always finding each other when we needed someone to talk to.

Because there was nobody else to confine in since the others hadn’t been through the hardships we’d been through. Trying together was much better, after all. So that’s what we did for a long time. We tried, talked to each other, fought with each other, cried for hours and somehow, sometimes, for reasons we couldn’t understand we smiled at each other with the glistening tears still covering our cheeks.

Because we noticed our own improvement.

“I don’t think I’d be able to go through this without you.” Mingyu told me one night, cuddled into his blankets as he was finding shelter on the living room’s couch once again. “I wouldn’t even have tried without you.”

I smiled at that. “Yeah, maybe. But you’re trying and that’s all we need.”

Mingyu nodded, soundlessly agreeing with my words. And just like that it was silent once again, like it always was at those nights, both of us just enjoying each other’s presence. It was funny how we’d been the ones who’d destroyed each other yet now that we were trying to get better we enjoyed each other’s company the most. 

It was easy, comforting even.

“You know, in the beginning when I started my sessions with Ms. Park I always felt some kind of hatred for you after seeing her. It didn’t hold on for long, maybe an hour, but there was always this feeling in my stomach, like, I don’t know, like you were the enemy.” I told Mingyu truthfully, cutting our peaceful silence. “But nowadays I’ve stopped feeling that. Maybe I’ve come to understand more or maybe I’ve simply realized better what I have to work on myself. But yeah, lately I don’t feel like that anymore.”

Mingyu didn’t say anything, not looking at me either.

“I just thought that maybe you should know about it. That, you know, I’m only hating your past self. Not your current self. Actually, the current Mingyu is someone I want to stay by my side. Right now you’re very important to me.”

Mingyu wore a sad smile on his face as he listened to my words, almost as if he didn’t want to hear them. “I’ve told you this before, Wonwoo, but you really are too good for this world.” 

I laughed at that, trying to make the mood lighter, not liking Mingyu’s facial expression at all. He was once again blaming himself, once again thinking too much about the past. 

Once again hating himself.

“Remember that night we went to Sokcho to see the stars? Nowadays I keep remembering it.” He uttered, the sad smile not leaving his lips. “That night was when I realized how horrible I was acting towards you and yet instead of accepting my feelings for you which where clearly there, I pushed them away and turned into some kind of monster. All because I was too selfish to let myself love someone else. That night in Sokcho could’ve went so differently, everything could’ve gone so well if only I’d accepted my feelings. But instead I hurt you, I hurt you so ing much.” He laughed a little. “Yet you’re here, telling me I’m comforting you.”

I leaned my head back against the sofa, my eyes closing as I felt another peaceful smile creep on my lips. “Because you’re not that person anymore, Mingyu. The person you are now is different, you’ve now not only changed but you’re actually trying to understand what you did wrong. You’re going through all of this to get better, Mingyu, you’re good. The way you are right now is good, it’s warm, it’s easy. Because you’ve understood yourself and most of all, you’re sincerely regretting those past actions.” 

My eyes opened again, head slowly turning to look at Mingyu who was staring at the wall, blinking his tears away. He didn’t answer much, just letting out a faint “Thank you” as his eyes closed and a small sob escaped his lips.

I hugged my legs, looking at the wall as well, nothing much on my mind as I listened to Mingyu’s sobs which were slowly starting to fill the room. 
______

Time flew just like that, Mingyu and I gradually trying to get better and the members slowly warming up to Mingyu again as the leaves started to change colors and autumn greeted us. The shining diamonds tour ended in September and so we started preparing for our next comeback in December, busy as always but happy as we were back to writing lyrics and recording songs, our unit deciding to release a mixtape in October, excitedly preparing for that as well. 

It was unexpectedly easy to focus on work as Mingyu and I started to get better, once in a while going through rather dark days but overall feeling much lighter than before. I even came to the point where I started to enjoy my work again, excitedly writing lyrics and showing them to the other members, feeling confident enough to share more of myself. 

It gradually became easier to talk about myself and most importantly, about my feelings, to the others too. Of course, I still made sure not to be the center of attention all the time and more than often needed time for myself yet I managed to let the others into my life and it was a change the members greeted with happy hearts. 

I guess it was the overall change in Mingyu’s and my actions that made the members warm up to Mingyu again, realizing it really was for the best with him by our side. It took a long time, some members holding grudges for much longer than others, but as November came and we went into full preparation for our new album called ‘Going Seventeen’ the atmosphere in our group was much better than it had been for a long time, everyone gradually accepting the past as just that. 

The past.

And with more and more changes coming and going, I felt better and much more confident about myself, realizing that a huge problem back then had been the lack of my self-confidence which had been the reason why I’d hopelessly clung on to Mingyu like that, letting him treat me the way he’d wanted to without saying anything against it.

Some might think it was my love for Mingyu which had made me so miserable but as time went by and I understood myself more and more, I started to realize it hadn’t been my love for him which had destroyed me but the actual lack of love for myself.

Which I was finally finding as my self-confidence was starting to boost. 

And I was happy, so ing happy because I finally found out how to be sincerely proud of myself and acknowledge just how important my feelings were. I found out how to share my worries with others, how to express my sadness and how to let go of grudges.

I learned how important it was not to rush your actions but also how you shouldn’t overthink too much and rather just share your thoughts with others. Which I mostly noticed when I was with Mingyu, both of us learning how to be friends but not overdoing it, never holding each other in our arms when comforting each other, never sitting to close or letting any rushed desire take us over but instead talking, talking about our feelings much more than ever before and helping each other to understand ourselves and how we’d managed to hurt each other so much.

I would ask Mingyu about his family complex and his lack of confidence he’d always struggled with back then and he would ask me about my own problems, both of us giving each other advice on how to get stronger and how to find love for ourselves.

It had started so painfully but as time went by and we started to see our own progress, happiness somehow started to creep into our lives and with that the walls we’d build up were slowly crackling down.
______

“You’ve been awfully close with Mingyu these last few weeks,” Junhui commented one cold January afternoon, both of us enjoying a free day together out in a Café, “Are you sure it’s okay like this?”

I smiled, not saying anything but just nodding my head.

“Wonwoo, I’m not trying to be pessimistic or anything but don’t you think it’s weird how Mingyu and you are clinging to each other after all that happened? The others are sort of perplexed too. It’s kinda as if you’re-“ He didn’t continue, the look on my face probably stopping him from saying the words he’d wanted to let out. “Look, we’re just kinda confused.”

I let out a sigh. 

“Junhui, don’t worry about that. I’ve actually been careful enough not to be touchy with Mingyu so that all the feelings I used to have for him can die down. We’re just helping each other out now, you know? We talk about the things he and I did, about where and what we did wrong and why it happened. We’ve improved a lot thanks to that and actually-“ I stopped, a smile creeping on my face, “Actually my therapist said I’m doing exceptionally great lately.” 

Junhui nodded, probably trying to understand my words but finding it hard to believe everything I said. “So no feelings attached? You’re just helping each other out?”

I laughed and hit his shoulder lightly. “Of course, what else would we be doing? This is nothing but us trying to get better as individuals, no feelings or anything like that attached. Honestly, I don’t even have the time to think about love for anyone but myself anymore. What’s important right now is that I learn to be proud and trust myself, not others. Same goes for Mingyu.”

Junhui understood but there was still a sceptic look on his face, as if he wanted to but couldn’t believe me wholeheartedly. “So you guys sneak out in the middle of the night to help each other love yourselves? Is that all?” 

And I nodded my head, grinning at the thought of Mingyu and my latest nights at the playground we now frequently liked to visit, enjoying the cold and fresh night air as we talked about our feelings and goals for the next few months. It was relaxing, sort of healing, even.

“Yeah, that’s all.”
______

A/N: So, I updated a different chapter with a different ending earlier but that stuff was rushed and horrible so I’m gonna stretch this story out for one more chapter to make it less rushed!! To everyone who read that other ending: I’d be very happy if you could not tell others about it since it’s coming up in the next chapter!! Sorry for the confusion and yeah let’s give this story a nice ending hehe x