Soonyoung was the first to speak up as Mingyu stopped in front of my bed, not quite daring to get even closer.
 
“What are you doing here?”, he asked him as he furrowed his eyebrows: “Didn't we tell you to go to sleep? Mingyu, you have to take some rest, you look horrible!”
 
And Soonyoung was right. 

Mingyu did look horrible. Not only were his eyes red and his face looked swollen but his whole body was trembling as well, indicating just how exhausted he was. But apparently, Mingyu didn't notice so. Or maybe he did but just ignored it all.
 
“I have to talk to Wonwoo”, he only said, his voice weak and hoarse: “I have to talk to Wonwoo right now.”
 
He was a sight I didn't want to look at any longer, his unhealthy and exhausted state making me worried when I didn't even want to be concerned about him anymore. I was anxious as I looked at him.
 
And I hated that.
 
“Mingyu, that can wait”, Jisoo muttered, clearly not liking to see him like that as well: “You can just talk to him tomorrow. Right now you need to go back to the dorm and sleep.”
 
But Mingyu didn't like that idea.
 
“No”, he replied, taking a step closer to my bed and stumbling a little as he did so: “No, I have to talk to Wonwoo. I have to- I have to apologize.”
 
He couldn't even focus on what he was saying anymore.
 
“Stop going on about that and take a rest first”, Soonyoung said and shook his head at him, his face showing nothing but worry: “You're way too exhausted to have a proper conversation with anyone right now, don't you realize that?”
 
Mingyu looked down: “But I-”
 
“Mingyu, just listen to us and get some sleep already”, Jihoon cut him off, apparently having enough with the way Mingyu went against their words: “You're about to pass out and yet you still come here to talk to Wonwoo? Don't you realize how stupid you're behaving right now?”
 
I didn't even understand why everyone was so distressed all of the sudden or why Jihoon was so harsh to Mingyu, trying desperately to make him go back to the dorm to sleep, but as Mingyu suddenly started tearing up and shook his head at Jihoon's words, I realized that something about him clearly wasn't right.
 
He looked way too weak and distraught to be the Mingyu I knew.
 
“But I have to apologize. I have to-”, he couldn't even finish what he wanted to say, his legs almost giving in as he lost his focus for a moment, making Soonyoung rush to his side in an instant: “You're about to pass out, Mingyu. Sit down for now, okay?”
 
Mingyu didn't even listen to what Soonyoung was saying as he started to cry loudly: “But I have to apologize so that-”
 
“Shh, that's not important right now”, Jisoo tried to sooth him as he stood up as well and made his way to Mingyu: “Just sit down for now and calm down. We'll take you to the dorm afterwards so that you can get some sleep. You can just talk to Wonwoo tomorrow, alright?”
 
It was as if they were talking to a little child.
 
“No, no, no”, Mingyu complained as he started to sob: “I can't sleep before I've apologized! I have to apologize-”
 
He was about to have a breakdown and I honestly didn't want to witness that.
 
“Mingyu”, I whispered, making him look at me in complete shock as soon as I spoke up: “Mingyu, you heard the others. Sit down for now.”
 
He did as I said in a hurry, following my instructions like a dog would've done.
 
“Good”, I mumbled as he finally sat on a chair next to me, his shoulders trembling even more than before: “Now calm down, please.”
 
“I don't think that will work, Wonwoo. He's having another breakdown right now”, Jihoon told me, sighing: “He won't calm down for a while now.”
 
I nodded at Jihoon even if I was completely taken aback by what was happening. Mingyu was crying even more pathetically than he had before and apparently, he'd broken down in front of the other members a lot since all of them seemed to know what was going on already. I only stared at him as he continued to cry, muttering words nobody could understand.
 
“He probably tried to sleep but had one of those nightmares again”, Jisoo assumed, sighing: “How many times has this happened now?”
 
I gulped, suddenly feeling sick when hearing Jisoo's words. Mingyu couldn't sleep because he was having nightmares? It sounded like he was in a similar situation as me.
 
“Didn't we tell the others to look after him?”, Soonyoung complained, furrowing his eyebrows in anger: “What the hell were they thinking, letting him out of the dorm and all?”
 
I hated to listen to all of their worries, realizing just how much struggles I'd brought to the members with everything I'd done.
 
“They probably fell asleep and didn't notice him leaving”, Jeonghan muttered: “Don't get mad at them, they're tired themselves.”
 
And I didn't even want to listen to what the members were saying anymore, feeling guilty with every word they let out. Which is why I stopped concentrating on their conversation and looked at Mingyu instead, watching how he bawled his eyes out as his whole body kept shaking.
 
“Wonwoo, I'm so sorry. I'm just- I don't know what to say. I'm so-”, he stuttered useless apologies over and over again, his sobs getting even louder as he didn't receive an answer. But I didn't know what to say as I just looked at him and realized how much everything was getting to him.
 
Even though I'd wished for him to experience the heartbreak I'd gone through, this wasn't what I wanted. Seeing Mingyu like that only made my heart feel heavy instead of giving me the satisfaction I'd longed for.
 
“Mingyu, calm down”, Jihoon spoke up soon: “Everything is okay now. Look, Wonwoo is right next to you and he's fine.”
 
Mingyu looked up, his red eyes locking with mine for a short moment before his gaze traveled back on the ground, not able to endure my stare.
 
He looked so ing devastated.
 
“You're not at fault for anything, Mingyu”, Jisoo started patting his back in comfort: “So stop thinking you have to apologize and calm down. Everything is okay, really. Wonwoo is fine and doesn't want to see you break down like this at all. You don't even have a reason to blame yourself since Wonwoo doesn't blame you either. Everything is alright.”

My mouth opened in shock as Jisoo spoke, not quite liking in which direction his words were going. I'd clearly told everyone that Mingyu was at fault for what had happened yet Jisoo claimed otherwise while trying to calm him down.
 
I didn't like how he lied like that, knowing exactly that I did blame Mingyu.
 
“Jisoo is completely right! Wonwoo isn't mad at you at all and doesn't blame you for what happened”, Soonyoung gave Mingyu a small smile before looking at me with pleading eyes: “Right, Wonwoo? Tell him it's not his fault.”
 
I couldn't even breath correctly anymore as I understood what they were doing. They were trying to make me go against my words just so that Mingyu would stop crying, using the situation to make me lie to Mingyu and ease his mind even though they knew I didn't want to do that.
 
They were forcing me to lie.
 
“But I am at fault”, Mingyu cried out, not even able to look up anymore: “I'm at fault for everything, I'm the one who made Wonwoo like this. I've been so ing selfish and- I- I hurt him so much.”
 
It broke my heart to see Mingyu fall apart like that, confessing what he'd done while crying his eyes out. And I couldn't even look at him any longer since it made me feel the urge to break down like him as well yet I couldn't bring myself to stop watching him.
 
I actually pitied him so ing much.
 
“Mingyu, it's okay”, I finally spoke up, not even believing myself as I did so: “Don't worry and calm down for now. I'm not mad at you at all.”
 
I was mad and I wanted him to know that I blamed him for everything, but seeing his breakdown right in front of me was something I couldn't endure anymore. It hurt way too much to see him being tormented by guilt and sorrow, to witness how he couldn't function properly anymore as all he could think about was how much pain he'd brought to me.
 
I guess his sight made me weak once again and so I lied to him, trying to ease his mind when he didn't even deserve to be treated like that.
 
I even took his hand in mine, caressing it softly in order for him to calm down. And he did, even if his sobs didn't stop completely. They only quietened down for a short moment as he looked at our intertwined hands.
 
“Wonwoo, I'm so sorry”, he said in a whisper, gasping for air soon after: “I didn't want this to happen. I didn't even know what I was doing anymore and totally forgot about your feelings as I was just focusing on accomplishing my goals. Wonwoo, I honestly-”
 
It hurt to hear his words.
 
“It's alright, Mingyu”, I lied once again, bringing myself to smile a bit at him as I tried to ease his mind: “I'm fine. Look at me, I'm okay now.”
 
Mingyu didn't do as I said but instead he started to sob louder again: “No, you're not okay, you're just lying! You're lying to everyone because you can't tell them what's going on! Wonwoo, you aren't okay at all. You're hurting so damn much and it's all my fault.”
 
He was right yet I knew I couldn't tell him so. I honestly just wanted him to stop crying already, hating how his breakdown affected me, hating how it made me feel guilty when I had no reason to feel like that.
 
“No, Mingyu, I'm not lying at all”, I answered him, my voice soft as I spoke those words: “Just calm down, please. We can talk about everything tomorrow when you've taken some rest and cleared your mind, okay?”
 
My heart felt so heavy.
 
“See, Wonwoo doesn't blame you at all”, Jisoo interrupted us in an almost cheerful tone: “So let's get you back to the dorm so that you can take a rest.”
 
Mingyu only shook his head at Jisoo, his grip on my hand tightening.
 
“Mingyu, come on. Let's just go home, please”, Jeonghan pleaded as well, sighing a bit before continuing: “Wonwoo needs to sleep and you have to go to bed as well. Don't you realize how exhausted you are? You haven't slept properly ever since all of this has happened and it makes us worried.”
 
Mingyu's voice was breaking as he answered Jeonghan: “But I don't want to leave Wonwoo. I'm scared he might disappear.”
 
I felt myself tear up as he said those words, trying my best not to start sobbing as well.
 
“Why should he disappear?”, Soonyoung chuckled at him: “He's right here and won't go anywhere for the next few days. So don't worry about that and come home with us.”
 
Mingyu didn't answer him but just shook his head, sobbing and clinging to my hand.
 
“God, this is going nowhere”, Jihoon complained, shutting his eyes as he let out a sigh: “At this rate we're going to be stuck here until tomorrow morning.”
 
I looked at Jihoon for a moment, noticing just how tired he looked himself. All the members needed to sleep in order for them to be able to work the next day, I knew it so well. And I hated what I was doing myself but since I didn't know another solution to their problem and didn't want to be a burden to them any longer, I spoke those next few words so easily.

As if they didn't go against everything I wanted.
 
“You can just go back to the dorm and sleep there”, I announced to them, smiling a bit to encourage myself: “And I'll take care of Mingyu tonight. This bed is big enough for two to fit in, so he can just sleep here next to me while you guys sleep at home. I'm okay with that.”
 
Everyone's eyes lit up as I said those words and even Mingyu looked up, his sobs stopping for a moment as his mouth opened in shock.
 
“You'd be okay with that?”, Jisoo asked, smiling in relief almost instantly: “Are you sure? Because you'd help us a lot with that, really. We'll come here tomorrow morning to pick Mingyu up, alright?”
 
I only smiled at him, nodding.
 
“Oh thank you so much, Wonwoo!”, Jeonghan let out a relieved sigh: “We honestly don't want to bother you but we're exhausted and Mingyu just-”
 
I didn't want to let him speak further, scared I might change my mind then.
 
“It's okay, just go home and sleep”, I cut him off, my fake smile widening even more. Jeonghan nodded at my words, understanding that I was rushing them to get out of the room so that all of them would be able to take a rest.
 
I don't even know why I did that.
 
And as all the members said their goodbyes, leaving Mingyu behind as they left my room, I actually did regret what I'd done, knowing it was a mistake to let Mingyu sleep in the same room as me when I had no idea what to think of him anymore. I couldn't even look at him as I slowly moved to the side of my bed and patted the empty space I'd created.
 
“Come here”, I only muttered, closing my eyes and waiting for Mingyu to do as I said. And it actually took him quite a while until he finally stood up from his chair and sat down next to me on the bed, not even saying a single word as he did so.
 
He was probably as confused and flustered as I was.
 
“Just lie down and sleep, okay?”, I mumbled, opening my eyes again but not daring to glance at Mingyu: “I don't think talking will help us right now. We just need to-”
 
“Sleep? But how can I do that when I know how uncomfortable you are with me next to you?”, Mingyu cut me off, his voice a bit calmer than before. I sighed, turning my head to look at Mingyu and grabbing his arm soon after, dragging him down.
 
It was a move which shocked both Mingyu and me.
 
“What are you doing?”, he uttered, his eyes widening as they stared at me, his face only inches apart from mine. I opened my mouth, wanting to say something, but the sight in front of me took my breath away, making me gulp as I noticed how close Mingyu was to me.
 
It was him who turned his head first.

“Just trying to make you sleep”, I explained, feeling my heart beat faster when I didn't want it to. I knew it was wrong of me to be excited about Mingyu being close to me after all he'd done, but for some reason, I was.
 
I was so ing excited.
 
“Wonwoo”, he whispered, still not looking at me as he said my name: “I don't think I deserve to sleep next to you. I don't even deserve to be in the same room as you and yet I'm here."

I closed my eyes, sighing.

"Well, you're the one who insisted to stay here when the others wanted to take you back to the dorm", I muttered, opening my eyes again: "So just sleep now and go back tomorrow. And stop talking about everything when you're not even in the right state of mind."

"But Wonwoo, I'm not-"

"Can't you just take your shoes off, lie down and sleep?", I sighed, cutting him off on purpose: "I don't want to have a conversation with you when you don't even make sense right now. First you tell everyone you need to stay here and now you insist you don't deserve to be next to me."

I didn't even know what I was so upset about. Was it Mingyu not wanting to be with me or him being so close? Did I actually want him with me and hated how he said he didn't deserve to be?

I had no idea.

"Because you shouldn't be by yourself!", Mingyu cried out, interrupting my thoughts in an instant: "You could just kill yourself again right here and nobody would notice, Wonwoo! So what if I don't make sense, I can't leave you when I know what you're going through right now!"

He was screaming at that point, screaming and crying once again. 

"I don't know what to do about you anymore, Wonwoo", he sobbed, looking at me with way too much sadness and guilt to handle: "I know I've been wrong, I know it's all my fault and yet you keep telling everyone you're okay when you actually just tried to kill yourself because of me! Wonwoo, I don't know how to apologize to you because I'm well aware you can't forgive me, alright? But how am I going to solve this mess if I can't make you forgive me?"

I didn't know how to form an answer, too shocked by Mingyu's words to find one.

"Wonwoo, how can I make you feel better when I only know how to break you apart?", he cried out, reaching for my hand before continuing: "How can I make you want to live again, Wonwoo? How? How can I solve this?"

I took a deep breath, trying not to break down along with him.

"I just- Wonwoo- I can't lose you", he sobbed, holding my hand tightly: "You're everything I have, Wonwoo, so please don't do anything like that ever again. I'll- I'll try to make you better. I'll try to make you happy again, okay? I'll do everything, just please don't think about killing yourself again, Wonwoo. I can't be without you."

Listening to his words, it was no use. And so I did start crying as Mingyu kept saying things I'd wished for in all of my dreams.

But did I think they were the truth? Not really.

I only cried with him as he kept promising things I knew he wouldn't keep, as he kept apologizing when I was well aware that he was only trying to make his guilt disappear.

I knew too well that everything he said was pointless and so I only sobbed along with Mingyu, letting him hold me until both of us eventually fell asleep, too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

It wasn't even like talking to each other was useful so maybe sleeping was better anyways.
______

A/N: I've finished moving. That's all I'm going to say about the reason for my long absence. I'm sorry, as always, but I actually used my last few days at home to hang out with my friends to say goodbye. Then I moved, now I'm here taking my time to write. I'm sorry again, the next chapters will probably take the usual time (2-3 days) again. 

Everyone thought Mingyu stormed in like that because he wanted to stop Wonwoo from revealing secrets but actually he's just an emotional mess.

Thanks for reading everyone. Complain about Wonwoo all you want here, I understand your frustrations.