I didn't stay home for long.

Not because I felt better and wanted to meet the other members again, not because I wanted to join our activities and be able to see our fans again but simply because I couldn't take staying at home any longer.

It was just too much.

Maybe it was the constant overexcited blabbering of my parents and the fake smiles plastered on their faces, trying to ignore the fact that I wasn't interacting with them at all, maybe it was my younger brother's many questions and his useless attempts to make me go to see a therapist or at least to talk to my parents about everything that had happened.

Yeah, maybe it was all of that combined which made me long for my comfortable bed in the dorm, for the silence I enjoyed whenever the members weren't there, for literally everything that wasn't nearly as uncomfortable and suffocating as it was at home.

Which is why I actually called the manager and told him I'd come back, promising I'd join the group again and start working my off as soon as I'd arrive in Seoul.

Not because I wanted to but simply because I knew I had to in order for me to escape my family.

Since I couldn't show them my disappointing self any longer. 
______

When I came back the dorm was completely empty since all the members had gone to a music program to promote our new song.

And I was more than happy with that.

To be honest, I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea of seeing the members again. Not only because I wanted to be by myself instead of having twelve people around me but also because I just didn't know how to communicate with them anymore.

Just thinking about the members made me feel guilty. 

I'd brought so much pain and difficulties to them that just the thought of meeting them again made me feel sick, knowing they hadn't deserved that kind of treatment. No member should've been rejected and screamed at when they had nothing to do with my problems, no member should've cried and pleaded because of me, no member besides Mingyu.

Oh, right, Mingyu.

Mingyu. 

I almost forgot the most important reason why I suddenly felt nervous and scared when I stepped back into the dorm, why it made my head hurt so much, my stomach twisting and my hands sweating for no other reason but the realization that I would be seeing him again.

Mingyu, that selfish, lying, manipulative yet sweet and beautiful bastard.

I didn't even manage to unpack my bags, my thoughts too occupied with Mingyu, with the fact I'd meet him again, the fact I'd hear his voice again, look into his eyes again- 

My thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening with a loud 'click' and cheerful voices filling the dorm.

My hands stopped whatever they were doing, my body completely tense.

"Wonwoo?", came a shout from Seungcheol, my name echoing through the whole dorm: "Wonwoo, are you here yet?"

It took only a few seconds, seconds in which I didn't even manage to move, my heart beating way too fast, my mind suddenly failing to think, until the door to my room was opened.

I looked up in complete shock and certainly not ready to face the members again. But before I could talk, before I could do anything at all, I was already engulfed in a hug. First Seungcheol, then Soonyoung and Junhui, followed by all the other members which joined in on a big group hug. 

All members besides Mingyu.

I didn't even notice so at first, too taken aback by the sudden affection of the other members, by the force of the group hug and the many voices shouting that they'd missed me, that the dorm had felt lonely without me, telling me how happy they were to see me again.

I couldn't even breath correctly until they finally let go, big smiles plastered on their lips as they looked at me and started blabbering about way too many different things for me to focus on. Which is why I spaced out, not able to follow their words anyways, and let my eyes wander through the room.

Until they fell on the figure standing in the doorway, gazing at me with an emotion I hadn't seen before and certainly never wanted to see again when looking at his beautiful face.

It was emptiness.

Mingyu didn't even look shocked or sad, he didn't smile or laugh like the others, didn't give me any kind of emotion as he continued to stare at me deeply. No, he simply looked empty, almost lifeless, his eyes not able to leave mine.

It almost made my heart stop.

And I don't know why but suddenly, I felt so guilty, so worried, so horribly at fault for Mingyu's state when I should've just ignored it completely, giving my attention to the other members instead of him.

Yet my eyes were focused on Mingyu only.

I asked myself whether I should give him a small smile, a smile which would be able to wash away his emptiness, but I couldn't even do so, my mind fighting against the idea of making him feel better when he'd been the one who'd driven me into misery. 

But would it be so bad to just help him once? To move the corner of my lips just lightly and make his absolutely empty stare disappear? I thought to myself that I actually wouldn't help only Mingyu but also myself by smiling and so I came to the conclusion that I should do just that.

A sudden hand on my shoulder and Minghao asking whether I was okay stopped me, though, making me turn around slightly surprised and look at the members' confused faces. I'd completely forgotten they'd been in the room as well, talking to me and of course, expecting answers.

I nodded, smiling a bit at them: "Yeah, I'm just a bit tired, sorry."

I didn't even mean to sound cold or to push them away, yet I couldn't talk to the them, feeling too confused, too overwhelmed, too uncomfortable. I just didn't know what to do, what to say, how to speak up.

"That's okay, Wonwoo", Jisoo told me: "Maybe we should leave you alone for a bit so that you can rest. Yeah, just join us later for dinner. What do you think?"

I hesitated but ended up nodding my head, silently thanking Jisoo for understanding that I wasn't in the right state to talk to the members. He smiled at me and gestured for the others to leave to room, which they did. Some members seemed disappointed about that but they walked out anyways, mumbling small byes as they left.

Mingyu didn't move an inch, though. He just kept standing at the doorway, telling the others he'd join them in a bit and waiting until everyone was gone. Then, he stepped forward, closing the door behind him slowly. I took in a deep breath, not knowing where to look anymore since Mingyu's stare was nothing I could handle and I knew it. 

He didn't even do anything, didn't even say a word and yet I was already affected by him, not able to calm my heart.

"I came to realization", was all he suddenly mouthed, not even approaching me further. I didn't know what he meant with these words, what any of his actions meant, and so I let out a startled "What?" as I moved farther away, wanting to create as much room between us as possible.

"Don't go", Mingyu announced, his voice sounding nothing like it had ever sounded. So strained and sad, so utterly broken: "Wonwoo, please don't go anywhere."

His behavior wasn't normal, no, everything about him was off. That person in front of me wasn't Mingyu, it wasn't him at all. It was just an empty shell which looked exactly like him, speaking words I couldn't comprehend. 

"I'll leave first", he muttered and suddenly, without further notice, there was a small smile playing on his lips, a smile that sent shivers down my spine: "If it helps to get you better, I'll leave first."

I furrowed my eyebrows, shaking my head a little since I just couldn't understand what he was talking about. Did he want to leave? Well then, why didn't he? Why didn't he just open the door and go if that was what he wanted? 

I stopped my train of thoughts, realizing they weren't going anywhere. Mingyu wasn't talking about leaving my room and I knew it all too well. 

He was talking about something much bigger, something much more important, yet my mind couldn't come up with an idea of what he was going on about.

I couldn't understand him anymore.

"I can manage outside", he then whispered with that weird smile widening: "I can join other groups or go solo. I can talk it out with the manager and just leave quietly. Yeah, maybe I'll go into acting instead. I can just say I didn't feel comfortable as a singer."

My eyes widened as I finally understood.

"So please don't leave", Mingyu repeated, hesitating a little before continuing: "Because I'm the one who doesn't deserve to be in this group anymore."

Mingyu was talking about leaving Seventeen.

"I'll tell the manager after the promotions are over", he mumbled, biting his lip a little as he looked down: "I'll tell the manager and leave, yeah, I'll just leave."

I just stood there, staring at him with wide eyes, trying to find out what exactly was happening. Had Mingyu honestly decided to leave the group? But why? 

It couldn't be because of me.

"What are you even taking about?", I asked him, shaking my head a little at this absurd situation: "Mingyu, you can't just leave Seventeen. The manager won't let you go and the other members wouldn't understand either. You can't do that to them, Mingyu. They're going to be heartbroken."

He smiled a little, still looking on the ground.

"I'll just tell them", he chuckled, giving me goosebumps: "I'll tell them what I did, how I ed you up and didn't even care about it. I'll just tell them everything, starting from the days I bullied you and ending with the day you found out I deceived you. They'll be happy to let me go then."

I took in a deep breath.

"You said I should make up my mind and stop pitying myself", he explained to me: "And when I did, I found out that the only way to help you is to leave. You shouldn't be around me anymore, I know that. But you shouldn't leave Seventeen either. So what other solution is left? It's for me to go. I'm the one at fault for all of this anyways."

"Yeah, but-"

I stopped myself, suddenly realizing that Mingyu's words actually made sense. He'd been the one who'd put me through hell, so of course he was supposed to take the blame, to make up for what he'd done. But why was it that him leaving the group made my heart hurt, screaming at me to oppose his idea? Why did I hate his words so ing much when they seemed to be the perfect solution to our whole problem? 

"Mingyu", I started, wanting to say at least something to make him rethink, something that would change his mind, but there wasn't a single word I could think about.

My mind was blank.

Mingyu slowly looked up, his eyes meeting mine and staring at me shamelessly, his lips still formed into a small smile. It didn't feel right to see him like that, so calm, so unbothered, so ing empty. 

That just wasn't him.

"You need Seventeen" I muttered, still looking at him as I slowly stood up and walked towards him: "Mingyu, you need the members. You've always told me that you'd be nothing without them, that you can't imagine being without this group. Look, I'm not like that. I don't feel as attached to the others as you do. I can leave them without feeling guilty for the rest of my life. But you- you can't. You'll be tormented. That's what you are-"

"No, Wonwoo, you're mistaken", Mingyu cut me off easily: "I don't need them either. All I need is some spotlight and fans to bring me to the top. Yeah, that's all I've ever wanted. Remember why I put you through all of that? It was because I wanted to be popular, I've always wanted to be popular. Maybe I liked how the group felt like a huge family too but at the end of the day I was happy because I felt like my dream was about to come true and not because of them."

He was lying.

He couldn't even look into my eyes anymore, searching for arguments to prove his point, for lies to make me believe that he actually wanted to leave when I knew he wouldn't manage without the members. 

Maybe I didn't understand his actions anymore and often felt myself confused by his words but there was one thing I knew about Mingyu.

It was his dream.

His dream for Seventeen to gain popularity, for us members to gain fame together, to become big while staying with each other. It had been his dream since the very beginning and yet he wanted to leave, claiming he himself just wanted to be popular when both of us knew it was a damn lie.

He didn't want to be without Seventeen at all, to leave when he had nobody but us, and yet he fed me lies he knew I wouldn't believe.

But why didn't I just let him continue with them? Why didn't I tell him to go on and announce that he'd leave the group? Why couldn't I bear the thought of his life being destroyed when he deserved nothing less? 

Why was I so goddamn hurt by his decision?

"Mingyu, listen-" I started once again, letting my eyes wander across the room as I tried to find at least one reason why he should stay, one reason why I couldn't let him go, one reason to prove that his decision was utter bull.

"Mingyu, I-" 

Nothing, I found nothing. 

Which is why I simply watched him nod his head, silently telling me that he understood, before he turned around, opened the door and left me without another word. 

He was done with everything, just like that. Done with our conversation, done with Seventeen, done with his career and most importantly, he was done with me.

Done with everything we'd had.

"I don't want you to go", I whispered into the silence, closing my eyes and letting out a deep breath: "I don't want to be without you."
______

A/N: I forgot to tell you guys that I had exams in January and the beginning of February, so I'm pretty ing late. I apologize for that.

Also, since I haven't been able to write lately, I was sort of "out of this story" and had to read everything to get into the feeling for this story again which took such a long time because I was sorting everything in my head. I'm sorry if the outcome isn't very good (even though I know how to end it from here). 

It's gonna be like 3 more chapters from here but don't quote me on that. Again, sorry for being late and yeah, thanks for reading and staying with me and this story!