Mingyu didn't answer me when being told to let go of my hands. He didn't do as I said either. 

Instead, he got tense.

Since I didn't see his face, I honestly don't even know which expression he wore, but he must've been shocked when hearing me say that I didn't want him to touch me any longer. It wasn't even a big thing, me asking him to let go of my hand, but both of us knew what it meant.

I wanted Mingyu to stay away.

"Wonwoo, let's talk about the therapist another day, alright?", our manager interrupted my thoughts, probably understanding that I didn't have the nerve to talk to him anymore: "I think it'd be best if you just take a rest now. Let's wait until you get discharged and talk about everything then, alright?"

I only nodded at him, not caring about his words anyway. I wouldn't go to a therapist, that much I knew, but fighting against the manager about it didn't seem appropriate in that moment. Hell, I didn't even want to fight about that since my whole mind was occupied by completely different thoughts.

"Alright, I guess I'll take a leave now. You're probably exhausted and want to sleep", he said, clearly not wanting to stay in the same room as me any longer than needed.

I guess I was that much of a bother to him.

"Do you want us to leave as well?", Seungcheol questioned as our manager made his way out of the room: "I mean, you look pretty exhausted and I can't blame you for that. It'd probably be best for you to sleep some more."

I sighed.

"I don't really care. You guys can stay here if you want to, but you're probably busy with the Dream Concert right now, so I don't want to take your time away", I announced, almost laughing at how pathetic my words sounded: "Actually, you can tell the other members that they don't have to come either. Since I've given you guys lots of troubles you're probably tired yourselves."

Mingyu's hold on my hand got even tighter, the other members looking unhappy with my words as well: "But Wonwoo-"

"Just sleep and do your work", I tried to smile at them, not even looking in Mingyu's direction as I did so: "You've heard what our manager said. I'll be well soon, so don't worry too much about me and stay focused on the group right now."

I didn't even know why I was telling them all that when I didn't even like what the manager had said. When I didn't even want to get better and join the group again.

I guess I simply didn't want to worry the members anymore, or maybe I just wanted them to leave me alone as well.

"Alright, let's just leave for now so that Wonwoo can sleep", Junhui said, apparently getting my message: "But Wonwoo, don't expect us to stay away for too long. We'll come back later today, maybe after the Dream Concert, okay?"

I only smiled weakly at him, nodding my head a little at his words. I didn't even want to see them or the other members again, but I guessed agreeing to Junhui's words would at least give me some time for myself. 

And thankfully, they did leave. 

Seungcheol, Minghao and Junhui stood up soon, saying short goodbyes and telling me they'd be back later, before leaving the room with small smiles on their lips. 

It was only Mingyu who insisted to stay with me. Mingyu, the person I wanted to leave the most.

"I think you should get out of here as well", I told him, not even daring to look at him but just staring at our intertwined hands: "And I think I told you to stop holding my hand too."

"Wonwoo", he only said, his voice thin and broken: "Wonwoo, please look at me, okay?"

I was so ing tired.

"I don't want to", I told him truthfully: "To be honest, I'm scared I might get sick when looking at your face. Or maybe I'll have a breakdown again. I don't know which one of those two things might happen, but since I'm too tired to experience any of that, I'd rather not look at your face."

I heard him inhale, clearly wanting to say something, but no answer left his lips. He was silent for a long time, probably not finding any words to say, his hands clinging to mine as he started to cry once again, his sobs soon echoing through the room.

"Wonwoo, please, look at me", he cried out in between his sobs: "Please, I can't- I don't know what to do. Wonwoo, just look at me and let me explain."

I wanted to laugh at his words and maybe I would have, if I hadn't been as exhausted as I was.

"I don't want to hear any of your explanations, really", I only replied, sighing deeply before continuing: "Just leave me alone, do your job and stop concerning yourself with me. I'm afraid I might think you like me again if you don't cut this bull."

"But I-"

"Just leave me alone!", I started screaming, turning my head to look at Mingyu again: "I honestly can't bear the sight of you right now, so just go and don't come back!"

His sobs got even louder when taking in my words, his eyes not able to look at me as I stared at him in complete anger. He looked pathetic and broken, just the way I wanted him to be, yet I didn't enjoy watching him cry, his face showing nothing but fear as he held on to me, not even wanting to let go of the person he'd brought so much pain to.

And I hate to admit it, but as I looked at Mingyu and realized just how tormented he was himself, my heart actually hurt, all my anger subsiding as I watched him cry so pathetically. 

And I honestly hated myself for having said those harsh words to him, feeling just how much fear and frustration I brought to him when telling him to leave me alone. But I didn't know what to do anymore, really. I had no idea how to talk to him or what to think of him anymore, hating him for all the things he'd put me through yet not quite wanting to treat him badly since it hurt my heart as well.

I understood that I couldn't let go of my feelings for him, not at all. And it certainly became a problem when one part of me actually wanted him to suffer but another part screamed for me to stop bringing pain to him.

I was conflicted, not having a single idea which way to go or how to act around Mingyu. All I knew was that I couldn't let him stay near me any longer, fearing I might just fall into another illusion again.

"Please, just leave me alone for now", I managed to let out in tears, hating myself for getting weak once again: "I just- I can't handle looking at you right now. This hurts way too much."

Mingyu continued to cry, but nodded his head at my words. He didn't even stop sobbing as he slowly let go of my hand, didn't even look at me as he stood up and made his way to the door.

"I'm so sorry", was all he mumbled as he opened the door and finally exited the room: "Wonwoo, I'm so ing sorry."

I didn't get to sleep after seeing him leave, my clenching heart not allowing me to take a rest.
______

I couldn't die.

It was a fact I realized when staying in the hospital room by myself, all kinds of thoughts running through my mind and stopping me from falling asleep.

I wasn't allowed to leave the world.

As I recalled the concerned faces of the members, the relief and complete bliss overtaking them as they noticed I was waking up, I realized that trying to commit suicide once again was something I couldn't put them through.

I didn't want to break them apart, didn't want them to experience pain when they'd never done anything wrong, which is why I understood that ending my life wasn't possible anymore.

I sighed as that realization hit me, hating how I had to stay with everyone just because my heart was too weak to hurt the members. But I knew I wasn't allowed to bring such hardships to them, I knew all of the members were too precious to be tormented by my death.

Even if I hated being alive, I knew it was for the best.

I tried to sort out my thoughts, tried to find a way to get out of it all, but as my mind went through it all, I didn't find what I was searching for.

I had no idea what to do.

I didn't want to stay with Seventeen and go back to the way it had been, knowing I wouldn't be able to take being near Mingyu again. I didn't want to feel his presence everyday and be surrounded with the pressure I'd always felt, standing on stage and pretending I was fine when I wasn't. 

But did I want to leave Mingyu completely?

As I thought about it, I knew it would be the best solution to get as far away from him as possible, but at the same time, I hated the thought of not seeing Mingyu anymore.

I was still in love with him, after all.

Even if I hated him for what he'd done, for all the torment he'd put me through without even caring about it, I still couldn't let go of my feelings for him. Sure, I was angry and disgusted when thinking about him, but leaving him completely was a thought I couldn't take at all.

I didn't want to live a life without him, yet I didn't know how to see him everyday without breaking apart either. I had to stay away yet I didn't want to, fearing I'd lose myself without Mingyu by my side.

I was still as addicted to him as I'd been before, the problem being that I was now well aware I had to let go of my addiction in order for me to live freely.

I had to stop my feelings for Mingyu as soon as possible, it's what I knew all too well. But how was I supposed to do that when my heart still longed for his love?

I failed to find an answer.
______

Eventually, I did fall asleep.

Since my body was exhausted and my head started hurting even more as I kept fighting the urge to sleep, I soon realized that it was useless to stay awake any longer if my mind couldn't provide any useful thoughts anyway.

I understood that I had to take a rest, even if I felt the need to think about everything regarding Mingyu and my situation much more. I had to sleep in order for my mind to be able to think straight, it's something I told myself as I closed my eyes and let myself wander into dreamland again.

Which just made everything worse.

I didn't even see much in my dream, really. Just the dorm, my bed, nothing I wasn't used to. But soon, I noticed that someone was sitting in the corner, crying while facing the wall. And to be honest, at first I thought it was someone I'd never seen before, but as I kept watching the person and trying to understand what was going on, I soon realized that I actually did know the guy crying in the corner all too well.

It was Mingyu.

"Mingyu, are you okay?", I questioned, confused to see him like that when he didn't have a reason to stay there: "What's going on? Why are you crying? Did someone hurt you?"

Mingyu didn't respond.

I took a step closer towards him, putting my hand on his shoulder as his sobs simply continued to fill the room. And as I stood there, I was completely taken aback, not understanding what was happening at all.

Mingyu crying like that just didn't make sense to me.

And it didn't even take long for those sobs to stop as they were replaced by something completely different, sending shivers down my spine as I listened to it.

For some reason, Mingyu started laughing uncontrollably, not even looking at my face as he did so.

Once again, I didn't understand why.

"Do you honestly think you can throw me away?", he laughed even louder, finally turning his head and smirking at me, wiping his tears away and standing up soon after: "Because I don't think it'll be that easy for you to let go of me."

He still chuckled as complete shock filled my heart, my concerned expression turning into a scared one as he put his hands on my cheeks and started smiling: "Face the truth, Wonwoo, it's the best for both of us if we stay by each other's side."

And he didn't even wait for me to speak up, but just put his lips on mine, thankfully giving my heart enough of a scare to make me wake up.

I started crying as soon as I opened my eyes.

"Wonwoo!", I heard Soonyoung's voice: "Wonwoo, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Honestly, I didn't even know what was going on as I just sobbed, the impact of my dream hitting me hard. I mean, it's not even like I thought it had been reality yet I was scared and hurt by whatever my mind had shown me as I'd tried nothing more than to take a rest.

It felt like I was haunted.

"Wonwoo, it's okay. That was just a dream", Jihoon's voice filled the room, trying to calm me down: "You don't have to be scared, Wonwoo. Everything's fine, we're here now."

I tried to listen to his words, slowly turning my head as I told myself that everything was okay.

Even though I knew nothing was.

And it actually took me quite a while to notice that I wasn't alone in the room but had some visitors sitting beside my bed. I only stared at Soonyoung, Jisoo, Jeonghan and Jihoon, confused why they were next to me, before realizing that they'd probably come to see me.

I wiped away my tears and sat up in a hurry, not wanting them to see how weak and vulnerable I was.

"Oh, you're here?", I only said, trying to sound normal as I forced a small smile on my lips: "Where are the other members?"

"We decided to take turns when visiting you since we don't want to overwhelm you with all the members coming here at the same time", Jisoo answered in a soft voice, smiling a bit while looking at me: "But that's not important right now. Are you alright? It seems like you had a bad dream just now."

I closed my eyes, sighing. 

"Yeah, a bad dream. I guess that was it", I muttered, opening my eyes again and shrugging soon after: "It wasn't anything important, so please don't worry about that."

The members stayed silent, waiting for me to say more.

"Really, I'm okay", I lied, forcing myself to chuckle as if I had no care in the world: "That dream was just something very stupid. Forget about it, alright? I'm good."

They clearly knew I was lying and I was well aware of that, yet I smiled as they nodded their heads, trying to pretend as if they believed my words.

"How did the Dream Concert go? And how are you guys?", I questioned, trying to change the topic: "Is everyone okay right now?"

Soonyoung sighed at that.

"Everyone is kind of unfocused right now but the concert went well anyway", Jeonghan explained to me, smiling just like the others. It was only Soonyoung who didn't smile but took a deep breath instead.

"Wonwoo", he started, hesitating a bit before saying those next few words: "To be honest, we aren't okay at all. We're worried sick about you but you keep saying you're alright. You're clearly not fine and we know that, so please just talk to us instead of lying the whole time. We don't even know what's going on anymore."

I was shocked at those words, not having expected someone to actually tell me the truth. While everyone was just sugar coating the whole issue, Soonyoung actually told me what was going on.

And I wasn't even sure if I was happy about that.

"Mingyu clearly knows what's up but he won't tell us a thing. He's just been crying all this time and saying that he's at fault for everything", Soonyoung explained to me: "And maybe I'm asking too much of you right now, but can't you tell him to stop blaming himself for what you did? I mean, I don't know what's going on, just like everyone else, but I'm worried Mingyu will do something to himself as well. He doesn't even talk to anyone anymore and just cries whenever we tell him to explain what's going on. Actually, we-"

"I can't do that", I interrupted Soonyoung, looking down in shame as I told him the truth: "Sorry, but I can't tell Mingyu to stop blaming himself."

The others seemed to be taken aback when hearing my words. 

"But why?", Soonyoung asked, confused about the fact that I didn't want to make Mingyu feel better: "Wonwoo, we're honestly trying our best to keep calm and take care of the whole situation right now. But with Mingyu, it's a different issue. For some reason, he's tormented by the thought that he's the one who made you decide to kill yourself and yet you can't ease his mind? Wonwoo, why?"

I stayed silent.

"Wonwoo, please", Jisoo pleaded: "Is it really that hard for you to simply tell him that he has nothing to do with what you did? I thought you guys are best friends, can't you help him at least that much? I mean, don't you realize how much pain he's going through right now?"

Of course I did realize that. 

"It's not even like you have to talk about everything", Soonyoung told me, desperately trying to convince me: "We don't have to know any reasons if you don't want to talk about them. Just assure Mingyu that he's not the one who drove you to the point of wanting to die. Please, Wonwoo, having to bear the thought that you actually tried to do this is already enough, but seeing Mingyu behave like he's at fault for it, we honestly don't know what to do anymore."

I took in a deep breath.

"We know you're going through a lot right now and shouldn't be bothered with this when you're probably hurting so much right now, but can't you do us this favor?", Jeonghan mumbled, making me look at all of them once again. 

It hurt to see them try so desperately when they didn't know what was going on at all. They were doing everything in order for our group to stay together yet didn't have a single idea what had actually happened.

I felt nothing but guilt as I stared at them and spoke those next few words.

"I'm honestly so sorry and I know you guys just want the best for all of us, but I can't help you with that. I just-"

I didn't even get to explain myself.

"Why?", Soonyoung's voice got louder, his frustration showing clearly: "Wonwoo, why can't you tell us what's going on? Why didn't you talk to any of us when you were going through so many problems that you actually felt the need to leave this world? Why do you always stay silent when we want you to share your feelings with us? Wonwoo, why the can't you trust us? It's not even like we're asking for much! We just want you to talk to Mingyu, for s sake!"

I bit on my lip, trying to hold back the tears. Soonyoung was right and I knew it, but did I want to talk to them about everything?

Of course I didn't.

"Soonyoung, don't scream at him like that", Jihoon warned him: "Wonwoo probably has his reasons for not telling us, so don't treat him like this when he's trying his best to recover right now. Stop being so impatient when he's still way too exhausted to even think clearly."

It was as if Jihoon was reading my mind.

"Well, I'm not asking him to tell us everything", Soonyoung insisted: "Wonwoo, I only want you to help us out before it's too late and we're going to have to visit Mingyu in a hospital room as well."

My heart started beating faster as he said those words, the guilt for what I'd done to all the members too much for me to handle.

"Okay, that's enough now! Stop pressing the topic and making him feel guilty when he needs to rest! You're being way too much right no-"

"Everyone just shut up already!", I yelled, interrupting Jisoo as I did so but not even caring about that: "I'd tell Mingyu to stop blaming himself if I could, alright? I'd love to ease his mind and make him feel better if I was able to do so, but I just can't!"

Everyone looked at me, their eyes widening as they noticed the tears rolling down my cheeks.

I didn't even realize what I was doing anymore.

"I'd love to make Mingyu smile again and let him know that he isn't at fault for anything", I muttered: "But I can't do that because Mingyu is at fault for what happened. Even if I'd like to believe he's not, in the end he is the reason for everything, okay?"

I started to sob at some point, the members only staring at me in complete shock as I told them truth.

"You guys want to know everything yet you have no idea what you're even talking about!", I told them, angry and upset about them not understanding my struggles: "But if it's that important to you I'll let you know, okay? If you honestly want to know the truth I'll tell you what Mingyu did to me. But don't expect it to be a nice story because it's not."

It felt like I was going against the rules by telling the members the truth, as if fate didn't like what I was doing, which is why it stopped my plan from working out as it sent Mingyu barging into the room, making me forget about telling the members in an instant.

It was as if I lost all rationality as soon as I saw Mingyu again, his eyes focusing on mine as he made his way to my bed.

I could only stare at him, recalling my dream which had told me I wouldn't be able to live without Mingyu anyways.

And it certainly felt as if my dream had been right.
______

A/N: I haven't uploaded for such a long time and I bet you're very mad right now, but I've been very very busy and experiencing some sort of writer's block as well. I wrote this chapter three times (and changed the ending around seven times) and I hated it all, really. I hope you're not disappointed with this. Oh and just a heads up, we're getting somewhere!!!

Don't hate on Soonyoung now for getting mad at Wonwoo. The poor boy doesn't even know what is happening anymore, just like the rest of Seventeen. Can you believe what they must be going through right now, especially with Mingyu being a wreck as well? PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL OF THEM HAVE TO COPE WITH THE SITUATION RIGHT NOW SO DON'T BE TOO MAD!! Let's not talk about Wonwoo and Mingyu right now because I have nothing to say about them. THEY ARE SO FRUSTRATING.

Okay okay, enough said. Thanks for reading this and I'm very sorry for being late but I have a life as well, don't forget that.