My head hurt.
 
I didn't even notice that my eyelids were too heavy and therefore didn't want to open, or that my body didn't want to move due to every muscle feeling sore, but as I slowly came to consciousness I was aware of one thing: My head hurt like .
 
And I had no idea why.
 
I only groaned, desperately trying to open my eyes as I couldn't even catch a single breath. I felt light-headed and weak, as if all life had been out of my body. I was in pain, utter pain yet I only felt it in a blur, as if I wasn't even fully awake yet.
 
It all felt like a dream, or more like a nightmare. Like I'd been paralyzed yet still felt how much my body was hurting. Like I'd been put to sleep but my consciousness was fighting against it, my mind awake when my body didn't want it to be.
 
It was a completely terrifying feeling.
 
Panic overcame me as I thought I was suffocating, but soon, I managed to open my eyes, taking in a huge breath as I saw nothing but white, nothing but the white ceiling above me. I first thought I was in heaven, only seeing indistinct emptiness when I was searching for familiar features.
 
I groaned once again, my eyes fluttering as I tried to stay awake, but exhaustion hit me once again and so I fell back into darkness, only hearing a faint “He's waking up!” while fighting against the desire to go back to a peaceful sleep.
 
“No, he's not, you must have been mistaken”, a voice said, sounding so distant yet so close. I couldn't even recognize the person saying those words, all I knew was that their voice was familiar.
 
Sad and thin, but familiar.
 
“No, I swear, I heard him groan and his eyes just opened for about a second! I think he's waking up right now”, another familiar voice announced, a bit of excitement underlining it. Or was it happiness? I couldn't tell.
 
I was satisfied enough to be able to follow the conversation, my head hurting even more as I was trying to stay awake when my body didn't want me to be, as I was concentrating on those words when everything inside of me screamed for me to go back to sleep.
 
“Are you sure? Maybe we should call a nurse and let the manager know, then”, a third voice I couldn't recognize stated, my head buzzing as I tried to understand what was happening around me: “And we should tell Mingyu as well. He hasn't slept the whole night and I think it's best to let him know that Wonwoo is waking up. It'll probably put his mind at ease.”
 
Mingyu?
 
“Where did he go anyway? Last night when we tried to make him go to sleep he kept resisting and fighting that he had to stay here by Wonwoo's side and now he's just gone. I didn't see him on the way here or at the dorm either”, someone said, sounding quite worried: “Don't tell me he's actually blaming himself for what happened.”
 
They were talking about me, talking about Mingyu, yet I couldn't understand what they were saying. What was it that Mingyu was blaming himself for? What had happened for everyone to be so cautious? I couldn't connect their words to actions, couldn't understand what they were talking about, at all.
 
I was so ing exhausted.
 
“What do you mean? Why should Mingyu blame himself for this?”, one voice asked, clearly concerned and confused, but thankfully being answered almost instantly: “Well, I don't know why he's blaming himself either, but Soonyoung told me he heard how Mingyu kept mumbling that everything was his fault. Apparently he did something to Wonwoo, but I just can't make out what that could be. The last time I checked, their relationship was doing quite well. I mean, Wonwoo was so ing happy with him.”
 
Relationship? I tried to remember Mingyu's relationship with me, tried to remember what exactly it was that made me feel so restless when hearing his name. 

But my mind failed to give answers to my questions.

"I don't know, maybe in the beginning he was but did you guys notice how uneasy he seemed lately? It felt like Mingyu was forcing his love on him or something", one person spoke up, seemingly dissatisfied: "And it's weird because Wonwoo is the one who liked him first. I just didn't get it, their relationship looked so complicated yet Wonwoo always told us that he's happy. Something wasn't right, I knew that all along. God, I should've talked to him about everything instead of telling myself that it's not my business."

So I'd been unhappy?

"Don't blame yourself for that! Maybe there was another reason for Wonwoo to decide to-", the person hesitated before continuing: "Urm, I mean, there must've been something different we don't know about which made him go to such lengths."

I was trying so hard to follow their words, to understand what the issue was. 

And as my mind repeated it over and over again, repeated that Mingyu and I were in a relationship, that I'd been in love and probably suffered because of that, it all came back. All those ugly memories came back in a flash, filling my empty mind with sorrow and anxiety once again.
 
Just like that, I knew why those voices talked about Mingyu having done something wrong and blaming himself for it, because I remembered the torture and despair he'd made me go through. I remembered so clearly how Mingyu had proudly announced to Seokjin that he'd been pretending to love me all along, how he'd just used me for fame, how I'd listened to him brag about his stupid plan and broken down after having realized that I'd lost everything with that single knowledge. I remembered how I'd screamed and cried while trying to find a solution, how I'd smashed chairs and thrown myself on the floor like a maniac, how I'd seen not even a single reason to live anymore.
 
I remembered how I'd decided to kill myself.
 
I gasped, my eyes opening widely as all those memories came back, my heart hurting much more than my head did as I realized what was going on. I'd tried to commit suicide, that was what had happened. I'd taken pills, trying to end my life so that I wouldn't have to live in a world filled with nothing but hopelessness and fear anymore.
 
But I'd failed.
 
As I recognized three familiar faces looking at me, their expressions changing from tiredness to complete surprise and delight as they noticed my eyes having opened, I soon understood where and what situation I was in. And I knew so well what it all meant, I knew so well that I'd failed to kill myself, that I'd been found and saved by someone before death had managed to overtake my body.
 
I was still alive.
 
I could only gasp for air as that realization hit me, not wanting to believe it at all. Maybe I should have felt relieved since I had been saved, but for some reason, I wasn't. For some reason, it felt like my nightmare was about to be continued when it could have been ended just like that. Somehow, I didn't even want to accept the fact that I wasn't dead, even if I saw how relieved and happy the members obviously were when seeing me back alive.
 
“Wonwoo!”, Junhui spoke up first, smiling brightly at me as tears started to fill his eyes: “Wonwoo, are you feeling alright? Can you hear me right now?”
 
He looked so ing happy, just like Minghao and Seungcheol did, yet I didn't want them to be like that. I hated how they looked at me, hated to see them so happy when I wasn't pleased at all. I hadn't achieved what I'd tried to do and just seeing them smile with so much bliss, it made me feel so damn guilty yet annoyed at the same time.
 
Why didn't they understand me?
 
“I'll go find a nurse and call the manager, you two stay right here”, Seungcheol announced in a cheerful tone, sitting up quickly before making his way out of the room without saying another word. I only watched him leave, silently wishing everyone would just do the same and get the hell away from me.
 
I didn't want to talk to anyone, not at all. But apparently, Junhui and Minghao didn't notice that.
 
“Wonwoo, are you okay? Can you talk? Can you move? Or are you hurting somewhere?”, Minghao asked, his voice suddenly filled with worry as his eyes concentrated on my face: “Do you know where this is? Wait, do you even remember who we are? Or who you are?”
 
Of course I did. Sadly, I remembered it all too well.
 
“What are you doing, you're confusing him with all these questions!”, Junhui complained, not liking how Minghao kept bombarding me with words when I'd just woken up. It was cute how both of them were so concerned about me, really, but I honestly just wasn't in the mood to see them like that.
 
Actually, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I just wanted to close my eyes and forget everything, maybe die along that process as well. Who the had interrupted me from doing so anyways? I couldn't even ask that question.
 
“I'm okay. My head is throbbing and my stomach hurts, but besides that I'm fine”, I explained to them, my throat hurting as I spoke up, my voice raspy and broken. Junhui's eyes lit up while Minghao gave me an even bigger smile as both took in my words.
 
“Do you remember anything that-”
 
“Minghao, not now! Don't ask him about that when he just woke up”, Junhui cut Minghao off as he was probably trying to ask me if I remembered what had happened. Of course I did, but I didn't want to tell them so. I didn't even want to think about that, really.
 
I honestly just wanted everyone to leave me alone.
 
But they didn't. Soon, Seungcheol entered the room again, two nurses following him and throwing all kinds of questions at me as they started checking my vitals. I was taken aback by all those questions, not liking how I was treated like a child and asked over and over again if I was feeling okay.
 
I didn't feel okay, not at all. I'd been brought back to life when I didn't want to be in this world anymore. I'd been saved when all I'd wanted was to leave everything behind.
 
And if that wasn't enough already, our manager entered the room soon after as well, smiling at me and waiting for the nurses to do their job before sitting down next to me and starting to question me himself.  

I absolutely hated it.

I hated how he looked at me with that smile on his face when I knew just how frustrated he was. I hated how he told me everything would be alright when he didn't even know what was going on. Most of all, I hated how he didn't even ask me what had driven me to kill myself or even addressed the topic but just talked about my health, talked about everything being okay soon.

When I didn't even care about that.

"For now, we announced that you have acute gastritis so that you won't have to go on with the schedule. It'll give you a few weeks to take some rest and get better before you join the group again, alright? We already got you a good therapist who'll help you sort everything out, so don't worry, you'll be fine soon", he explained, trying hard to look concerned when I knew he wasn't at all. He was probably only concerned about the group, about a possible scandal to arise. 

He didn't even care about me, not at all.

"A therapist? I don't want a therapist", I told him, sighing tiredly as I realized what Pledis was trying to do. They didn't want to concern themselves with my problems, didn't want to talk to me about my reasons for having tried to commit suicide at all. And so they tried to find their easiest way out of more issues, ordering me to see a therapist when I didn't want to talk to one.

"Look, Wonwoo, I know you have your reasons for what you've done but I don't think you can solve everything by yourself. A therapist is the best way for you to get rid of all your problems and get back to yourself soon", our manager tried to convince me: "You'll probably be able to join the others in no time!"

And just like that, I had enough.

"But I don't want to!", I cried out, fed up with everything he was saying: "I don't want to see a therapist and talk to him about my problems! I don't want to get better and join the group again! For s sake, I tried to kill myself, do you honestly think I care about my career right now?"

I only heard gasps, indicating how shocked everyone in the room was when hearing my outburst. But I didn't care about that, I didn't care about anything anymore.

"I just want everything to end, okay?", I felt myself tearing up as I spoke those words, my voice starting to break: "I finally found a way out of it all and you guys had to bring me back to life when I didn't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to die, so why did you have to save me?"

"Wonwoo-"

It was in that moment when the door opened and a certain person entered the room, not even hesitating before he rushed to my side, tears strolling down his cheeks as his hands clasped around mine: "Thank god you're alright, Wonwoo."

It was probably the first time I didn't enjoy holding his hands. Scratch that, I was actually disgusted by our skin contact. 

Disgusted and terrified.

And I honestly just wanted to spit at Mingyu's face as I heard him say those words, but seeing the desperate expression on his face, looking at his swollen and red eyes and feeling his hands tremble as they held mine, I couldn't even do so.

All I managed to do was to hold in my tears instead of letting them fall, telling Mingyu to let go of me in nothing more than a whisper.

I couldn't even look him anymore, too afraid of my heart not being able to take it.
______

A/N: This last bit was so..... sad?? Idk it was a huge step but incredibly sad. Ah, also, I intentionally made the manager into an (he probably isn't one idek Seventeen's manager tbh) because I'm trying to criticize here if you guys understood it lol I can get pretty upset about Korean entertainments and the way they treat their idols sometimes, I guess today was one of these days.

Sorry for the late update btw, but sometimes I can be busy too haha 

Thanks for reading! And don't worry we're all good!