Our appearance at M Countdown that day was a total mess, let me just tell you that.

Not only did Junhui and Minghao start arguing again when we were backstage, throwing around Chinese words nobody could understand, but the other members wouldn't even talk to Mingyu and me and I felt like total when seeing how angered everyone was. Honestly, even Mingyu seemed to be somewhat upset and I simply had no idea what to do to make everyone cheerful again.

I mean, not even Seungkwan was in the mood to talk and I knew everyone's frustrations were real since Seungkwan normally never failed to say at least something. This time he was quiet, though, just like the other members.

I was grateful that at least the show worked out and everyone managed not to let their feelings influence our stage. Honestly, I don't even want to know how guilty I would've felt if we'd ed up that day. But we didn't and I could only thank the other members for giving their best at hiding their frustrations, knowing how to behave in such a nerve-wrecking situation.

Back home it wasn't cheerful either. Some members would go to their rooms and completely ignore everyone, others only paid attention to their phones and didn't talk either. It was such a heavy and tense atmosphere around us that nobody even dared to open their mouths since no one wanted to be the first one to make a wrong move.

It was horrifying, really. 

At some point I couldn't take it anymore and so I took my jacket, ready to leave our dorm. And as if Junhui had waited just for me to do that, he stood up from the couch and followed me, putting on his shoes when I did so.

We didn't talk until I closed the front door, both of us not planning on letting other members know whatever we had to say. But as soon as we'd gotten a good distance from the dorm, Junhui spoke up, instantly throwing me off-guard: "You know, this whole time I thought Mingyu was the one who liked you but actually it was always the other way around. That really surprised me."

"What?", I asked, totally confused by his words: "You thought Mingyu was into me?"

"Yeah. He was always initiating skin contact while you seemed rather uncomfortable with it, so I guessed that he liked you. I knew something was off all this time, but I certainly didn't think it was this", he explained, giving me a sympathetic look: "Remember that day when you had a breakdown in the practice room and then we went home just for Mingyu to say that you guys made up? It didn't make sense to me, honestly. I thought that something wasn't right but suddenly you guys were close again, smiling and hugging each other all the time, so I tried to tell myself that I was wrong and you guys were okay."

His words hurt because they sounded like everything I'd wished for all this time.

"We weren't", I muttered, ashamed for having worried Junhui that much: "He pressured me into pretending that we're close and I don't know, everything was a mess."

"And it isn't anymore? Seriously, Wonwoo, stop lying already. He's still giving you hell, isn't he? I mean, I don't know what exactly happened between you guys but from the fight between Seokjin and Mingyu I instantly knew just how much you must've suffered these last few months", he told me, worried. I was shocked as he said those words because honestly, I hadn't realized before that he'd probably witnessed the conversation between Mingyu and Seokjin as well.

And when I looked at Junhui and noticed just how much he cared about me, I decided to trust him and tell him the whole story, knowing that it was better than keeping him in the dark.

"I did suffer", I admitted, looking down: "Mingyu isn't exactly happy about the fact that I'm gay, you know? He's been screaming at me and telling me that I'm disgusting and pathetic but when I met with Seokjin-hyung and tried to get over him he wasn't satisfied either and told me that I wouldn't be able fall out of love with him."

Junhui sighed at my words, shaking his head in disbelief: "But you tried it anyways and that's when Seokjin took advantage of you, right?"

I only nodded my head, not able to agree verbally, making Junhui silent for a while.

"What I don't get is why Mingyu still wanted to be close to you, though. That doesn't even make sense", he uttered after having thought everything through, making me laugh. It was nice to know that someone else didn't understand Mingyu's actions either.

"The manager told us to give the fans a little extra fanservice since he thought we're super close and Mingyu insisted that fooling the fans but not the members would be weird, so he told me to pretend that we're close in front of you guys too", I explained to him, making him gasp.

I nodded, still laughing: "Yeah, I know, it's pretty ed up."

"Wonwoo, that's just terrible! You should've told the manager the truth, he would've understood that!", Junhui complained, not liking how I handled the situation at all.

"Yeah, sure. Because the manager would've just accepted me being gay like it's nothing, of course", I joked, still laughing. Junhui furrowed his eyebrows at that: "What do you mean? Wonwoo, not everyone is so close-minded when it comes to that topic! Especially not our manager, he's never been the type to judge others for who they are."

"How can you be so sure about that?", I questioned, not believing his words: "I don't think he'd be happy to hear that one of us is into guys. He'd probably lose it and ask me to leave the band if I told him."

Junhui shook his head at that: "No, he wouldn't. Wonwoo, think about it, as our manager he always does his best to get us on the top. Throwing you out would be a disaster, don't you get that? Besides, there are better solutions than you leaving the band. Trust me, the manager probably knows best how to handle this situation!"

"So, what? Are you saying I should tell him that I'm gay? I can't!", I insisted, hating whatever Junhui was trying to make me do: "I'm way too scared to do that!"

"Oh, so you'd rather keep pretending everything's alright and hurt yourself even more? Wonwoo, the best way to stop this whole mess is to come clean already! First, you have to tell the manager everything so that he accepts you and Mingyu not doing the fanservice thing anymore. He'll understand you, trust me. And as soon as you've told him you can just explain everything to the members as well", he commanded, giving me a look which clearly showed that he wouldn't take "No" as an answer.

"But you've seen how Minghao reacted to this! How can you expect me to be brave enough and tell others about me being gay when I've witnessed how people take it?", I sighed, hating Junhui's advice more than anything. I mean, sure, he made sense, but I didn't even want to think about more people knowing about this problem, fearing they'd be disgusted by the truth.

"Wonwoo, I'm going to be honest now and I want you to listen to what I say, alright? Being gay is not a sin and you're not a bad person for liking guys instead of girls. Sure, many people are still against it but our members and especially the manager will understand it if you just tell everyone the truth already", he insisted, letting out a huge sigh before continuing: "Do you want to know why Minghao reacted the way he did and blamed you for everything? Because he didn't even understand the whole situation and was convinced that you've been the one pressuring Mingyu into liking you all this time. He's so sure that you've been giving Mingyu hell, when it's actually the other way around. And do you want to know why he misinterpreted everything? Yeah, right, because you won't tell the whole truth and keep everyone in the dark!"

I was shocked at that. Not wanting to believe that Minghao had simply misunderstood the whole situation and thrown all these ugly words at me because of that, I stopped my feet, trying to process Junhui's words: "So Minghao isn't disgusted because I'm gay? But he told me that my feelings are ugly and that I should get rid of them!"

"Because he was mad, thinking that you've kept hurting Mingyu all this time. His Korean isn't that good, Wonwoo! He only heard you telling Mingyu that you're in love with him and noticed that something clearly wasn't right, so he judged the whole situation from whatever he understood", Junhui explained, clearly trying to defend Minghao's behavior. It made me mad, honestly. Minghao's reaction had hurt me so much and to think that Junhui actually protected him, saying he didn't mean the words he'd said, I hated it.

"Of course, what he said was uncalled for and he shouldn't have been so hard on you, but that's exactly what I fought about with him. I told him that he doesn't know the whole story, that he can't just take Mingyu's side like that but he didn't even listen to me since he was too convinced that you've been the bad one all this time", Junhui told me, clearly trying to keep calm.

"So you're saying that if I tell him everything he won't hate me anymore?", I asked, unsure if I should trust his words. I mean, he made a good point when saying that telling others would make everything easier, but I was scared and didn't want to get hated even more. 

Junhui, on the other hand, was convinced of his words and nodded instantly, giving me a small smile: "I'm saying that nobody will hate you if you tell them the truth. Look at me, I'm completely supporting you because I know what's going on. The other members and especially the manger won't react differently, I'm sure of that. I mean, we all love and support you and just because you're into guys that doesn't mean we'll just leave your side. We're a big family, Wonwoo, so just trust everyone like you should and tell them what's going on, please."

And it's weird, but his words actually did change my mind, making me think that I probably should come out and tell the others what was going on. Sure, I wasn't super convinced that it would work out, but as I saw Junhui's encouraging smile, I guessed that I should give it a try. Since the situation was too ed up anyways, I was sure that it couldn't get worse by letting the truth get out.

And so I nodded.

"Okay, I'll do it", I spoke, rather unsure and scared, but at least I managed to say those words, immediately making Junhui's smile widen in happiness: "But I'll only tell the manager for now. I want to know his opinion on this before completely coming out, okay?"

"Alright!", Junhui agreed proudly, clearly liking my decision: "Do you want me to help you with that or would you rather talk to him yourself?"

I sighed: "I think I'd rather talk to him myself. It's not that don't want your help, but I think he'd like it better if I talked to him privately."

Junhui shrugged his shoulders at my words, still smiling, completely satisfied with my answer: "If that's what you want. I'm okay with everything, as long as you finally open your mouth and let others know what's going on already."
______

And for a reason I couldn't even comprehend myself, I actually made my way to our company later that day, wanting nothing more than to get everything over with. 

Since it was evening already it was pretty silent when I entered the all too familiar building, almost the whole staff having left already. I thought to myself that our manager was probably overworking once again. I mean, since I'd given him a call earlier and he'd told me to come to the company, I knew I would find him there even if it was almost ten already.

Sure, I was scared while walking through the long corridors, knowing what was about to come, but on the other hand, I was excited and happy. Junhui had done a great job at encouraging me and so I thought that nothing could go wrong by telling the manager the whole truth. That moment, I honestly thought everything would get better.

But it didn't.

Not because the manager reacted badly when hearing my story, but because I didn't even get to talk to him. That's right, I'd gathered all my strength and actually went to the company to finally tell at least someone what was going on, just to be interrupted by something, making me unable to even have the conversation I'd waited for.

Or should I say someone?

As I passed our training room and walked towards the manager's office, I was stopped by a loud noise and let me just tell you, it wasn't just any noise but actually someone crying. Now you might be wondering why I cared enough to stop my feet when hearing someone cry, but it's different.

Because I recognized that person's sobs.

It probably didn't even take me a second to hurry towards the training room and open it's door, my heart instantly beating way faster than before. And as I saw that all too familiar person sitting against the wall, his shoulders trembling and tears streaming down his face, I was too shocked to even believe the sight in front of me. 

It was Mingyu, sobbing for an unknown reason.

Honestly, I should've laughed at him and told him he was pathetic since that was exactly what he kept telling me whenever I cried, but when I saw how devastated he was and how shocked and scared he looked when realizing that I'd found him in that state, the thought of hurting him didn't even cross my mind.

Hell, all I wanted was to run towards him and throw my arms around him, telling him that everything would be alright. I wanted to sooth his heart and comfort him, but I knew that I wasn't allowed to do that.

And so I didn't.

Embarrassed, Mingyu immediately turned his head after having realized who'd walked into the room, not even wanting to look at me. And since I knew well enough just what a terrible feeling it was when others found you in such a pitiful state, I didn't even judge him for that but just walked into the room, closing the door behind me carefully.

"What's going on?", I muttered, probably showing too much affection while doing so, but I didn't even care. Mingyu didn't answer me anyways, only shaking his head at me, probably wanting nothing more than for me to leave.

But I didn't do him that favor.

"Is this about what happened earlier today?", I pressed, wanting nothing more than for him to speak up already. I mean, it didn't even make sense that he was crying. Mingyu never cried, especially not because of this issue. 

"Just get out", he mumbled, not even looking at me at all. And after a few seconds of him just continuing to sob, he suddenly did raise his head and stared at me, his face puffy and red from all his tears: "Get out already!"

I actually did contemplate whether I should leave or stay by his side, but chose the latter as I sat down next to him and just watched him cry shamefully, feeling the need to be with him.

"This is your fault, Wonwoo-hyung, everything is your fault!", he managed to yell at me before his sobs got even louder, his whole body shaking from the impact of his breakdown. 

Seriously, I had no idea what to do since I knew calming him down wasn't even an option for me. But on the other hand, I didn't want to leave him alone either, not knowing what kind of crazy thoughts would come to his mind.

And so I kept watching him, too worried to simply let it go.

"Just leave already!", Mingyu cried out between his sobs: "Get out of my sight and never come back! I don't want to see you anymore!"

I didn't do that.

Instead, I placed my hand on his shoulder and massaged it the way he'd done for me earlier that day, sighing as he let out even more sobs. Seriously, he was such a mess and I didn't even know why.

"Mingyu, please tell me what's going on", I whispered in a calm tone, not wanting to upset him even more. But he just shook his head once again, clearly not feeling like answering my question.

Surprisingly, Mingyu didn't tell me to get my hand off of him either and so I didn't, even daring to put my arm around his shoulder, making his head fall against mine. 

He probably didn't even notice that.

And since I didn't know what else to do, I just let him cry for a long time, not saying anything anymore, thinking it would be the best to just let him calm down first. Honestly, I don't even know how long it took for him to stop crying, but at some point he did, just silently leaning against my shoulder, seeking the comfort he clearly needed.

"This is your fault", he mumbled once again, his voice tired and hoarse from crying so much: "Everything is your fault. You're the reason why my life is so ed up."

And it's funny how his words hurt so damn much but yet I couldn't let go of him, too worried to leave him by himself, too happy to have him next to me.

I even realized that the amount of love I felt for him was insane, but I just accepted it without another thought, smiling when I realized that he'd fallen asleep in my arms.
______

A/N: We lost against France and I'm upset because soccer is literally the only thing that makes me proud to be German. Ugh.

I've thought this whole thing through, though. Don't think I just let my frustration out and wrote this chapter, I do know what I'm doing! (I say this a bit too often, don't I?)

Yeah so hopefully you guys enjoyed weak Mingyu because he sure as hell doesn't appear often here lol

Thanks for reading, my lovely people!