When I woke up it was in the middle of the night and finally silent, the members probably having gone to sleep after arguing all day. Or maybe they hadn’t argued at all and actually just discussed a few things, maybe they’d even teamed up on me in the end, believing I’d been at fault.

I didn’t know. Didn’t know because I’d left instead of watching the outcome of my words.

And I’d done that on purpose. Partly because I couldn’t bare looking at the members anymore and partly because I didn’t want to keep talking about the pain I’d been through. Telling everything to the members had been way too exhausting to stay with them any longer and so I’d left, embracing a dreamless sleep to put my mind at ease.

But I wasn’t at ease when I woke up. I instantly remembered what had happened just hours before and instead of falling back to sleep, I was suddenly full of fear that I’d missed something very important. Maybe the members had talked through everything and forgiven Mingyu in the end? Maybe they’d decided that I’d been wrong the whole time? Maybe Mingyu had managed to manipulate them into thinking I was the one who’d ed up everything?

There were too many thoughts scattering through my mind, all screaming at me that I should’ve stayed awake, that I should’ve witnessed the outcome to defend myself.

But I hadn’t because I’d been too scared.

I sat up in an instant, looking through the dark room. The members were sleeping in their beds, almost peacefully, as if they’d never heard any bad news. As if the day before had been like any other.

I shook my head, slowly making my way out of bed in order not to wake the others up. And I didn’t even know where I planned to go but I just needed to leave the room for a short while, maybe get a glass of water from the kitchen or maybe even take a walk outside to clear my head.

I don’t even know what my intention was when I stepped out of the room but I never got to do what I had in mind anyways as I instantly sighted a figure on the sofa as I walked into the living room.

It was Mingy, his head immediately turning towards me as he heard me entering the room, the door’s sound giving me away.

Mingyu blinked as he took me in, not sure what to say but sitting up anyways. And I stepped a little closer, not quite looking at him as I did so.

“Why are you sleeping here?”

Mingyu didn’t answer at first, only looking at me and blinking a little before adverting his gaze. “It doesn’t matter. How are you? You slept the whole day and it got us worried. Are you feeling any better?”

His eyes were back on mine and even in the darkness I could see how tired he was, not only physically but mentally as well.

“I guess a little. I just woke up and yeah-“ I stopped myself from speaking any further, not even able to find the words to say. I started biting on my lip, my eyes wandering through the room, then falling back on Mingyu. “How did the members take it? Are they mad at me?”

Mingyu’s eyes widened. “What? No, Hyung, of course they aren’t mad at you. They completely understand you, so don’t worry.”

I nodded, feeling myself relax a little at those words. It was comforting to hear that they weren’t furious with me, that they wouldn’t scream at me the next morning and tell me that I’d been at fault all along. It was something I’d needed to hear and yet it didn’t make me happy at all.

I was still sad.

“Are you okay?” I finally let out the question I’d been wanting to ask since our conversation had started. “I mean, why are you sleeping here?”

Mingyu took a while to answer but when he did, he didn’t look at me anymore. “I guess I needed some space from the others. Yeah, I wanted to be alone tonight to, you know, think.”

I only nodded at his words, not knowing what to answer, not even sure if he was telling the truth either. And so I decided to stop our conversation with that. “Well, I guess I’ll go back to bed then.”

It was still for a moment, Mingyu not answering at first which I took as his silent agreement. I waited a few more seconds, then took a turn, preparing to walk away from him.

“Wait, Wonwoo-“

I stopped, hoping he wouldn’t continue his words, hoping I wouldn’t have to turn around and look at him again.

“Wonwoo, I’m sorry.”

He didn’t say more, didn’t tell me to turn around or to look at him. And I couldn’t do anything more but to take a deep breath and walk away, leaving his apology in the living room as I fought the urge to answer his words.

______

The next day he was gone.

I didn’t even notice so at first, too busy telling the others that I was alright, too busy pretending that everything was fine, too busy trying to avoid Mingyu until I realized that he wasn’t even there.

Ans as I sat at the kitchen table and had breakfast with the others, them not speaking a word about Mingyu or where he’d gone, I already assumed that something must’ve happened.

I wasn’t stupid, after all.

“He’s taking a break, right?” I asked at some point, interrupting Chan who was talking about a movie he’d watched a few days before. And just like that, it was still in an instant, heads turning, eyes focusing on me. “He’s just taking a break, right?”

They adverted their gazes.

“Wonwoo-“ Junhui started but didn’t know how to answer my question, looking at Seungcheol for help. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath and preparing myself for whatever was about to come before opening them again.

“We told the manager about this. And before you freak out, no, he’s not mad at you but actually happy to know what’s going on since he’s been trying to find out all this time,” Seungcheol started to explain, “He ordered Mingyu to get out of the dorm for now so that you can adjust comfortably while practicing for the Shining Diamond concert. If Mingyu’s going to participate is still unclear but the manager said it’s going to be problematic for him to leave the group right now. Said he should at least continue the schedule until mid-August, maybe even participate in the Shining Diamonds Tour.”

I nodded, taking in all the information but not quite knowing what to think or say about that. My mind was just blank.

“We know that it’s a lot to take in but Mingyu decided it’s best for the group and we agree with that. After finally knowing what you’ve been through we understand that you and Mingyu can’t stay together anymore since you won’t be able to get better then. The manager agrees as well, we can’t just-“

“But I don’t agree,” I interrupted Seungcheol, hating how they’d just planned everything without even asking my opinion, “I don’t want him to be gone and I certainly don’t want to be the reason why he has to leave us.”

The members seemed to be taken aback by my words.

“But Wonwoo, Mingyu told us you want him to leave since that’s what’s best for you.” Jeonghan uttered in confusion, the other members agreeing.

“Well, he lied. I don’t want him to leave and I’m sure I won’t get better just because he’s gone. I’ll just feel even worse knowing he had to leave just because I couldn’t be in the same group as him. He doesn’t deserve this, nobody would.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Jisoo answered, a sad smile forming on his lips, “Wonwoo, he hurt you, manipulated you and played with you to the point where you didn’t want to live anymore. Do you really think we still want to be in the same group with him? Do you honestly think he should stay with us when he’s done all that? Wonwoo, he’s done horrible things to you and yet you think we want him here?”

I didn’t know why but many members couldn’t look at me anymore. They probably didn’t know what to do or how to feel about the whole issue either, nobody knew. Of course, they felt the need to protect and help me after having heard the whole story but I knew that they were lying when saying that they wanted Mingyu gone. Mingyu was their friend, almost like family.

I knew that letting him go wasn’t what they wanted.

And so I stopped talking and arguing for just that moment, convinced that the members didn’t deserve having to go through so much pain and confusion just because Mingyu and I couldn’t solve our problems by ourselves.

They didn’t deserve any of this and yet they had go through it all.

______

The day was filled with too many thoughts and too much practice to handle. The members made too many mistakes, I made too many mistakes and everyone knew what was at fault for it, yet we didn’t talk about it and kept practicing even harder, trying to stop thinking about Mingyu and his departure from us.

But concentrating on practice was hard when we all knew he was leaving.

It was after we finally called it a day when Jihoon came up to me, asking if we could take a walk before going home and stating he had something to talk about. To be honest, I was surprised when he said that since he normally wasn’t the type of person who wanted to talk about something. But I agreed anyways, curious to know what he had to say.

“It’s not like this will change anything,” he started our conversation as we left the Entertainment building and were hit with the cold air of the night, “But I’ve been burdened with this for a while and I have to tell you about it because it’s something I can’t just ignore anymore.”

I was confused, even anxious as he said those words. If he’d been burdened by whatever he was going to talk about then it must’ve been something big, I knew it all too well. And for some reason, I was scared of what was about to come, knowing it wouldn’t be something positive.

“It’s about Mingyu,” he uttered, not quite knowing how to start, “He, I think he didn’t really tell you everything that he should’ve said. He kind of said it but not really, it’s weird and I think you have to know about that.”

I only nodded, biting me lip as I waited for him to just tell me whatever was going on already.

“It’s about his feelings. I know you won’t believe me but I think, no, I know that he loves you way more than he said. Mingyu loves you, Wonwoo. And not just a little but a great lot.” Jihoon announced, making my eyes go wide. What the hell was he talking about?

“Yeah, I know it sounds a bit strange but hear me out, okay?” He questioned, waiting for me to agree. I gave him a small nod, not so sure if I wanted him to go on but letting him anyways.

I didn’t really understand.

“While you were in the hospital the members all took turns in taking care of Mingyu since he wasn’t in his right state of mind back then. We didn’t really tell you about it because you weren’t doing great either but I think you should know that he was a mess. We literally had to watch him in order to know that he wouldn’t hurt or do something dangerous to himself.” He explained, making my heart drop as I took in his words. I’d known Mingyu was kind of out of it during that time but I’d never known how bad it actually was.

“So one day it was my turn to watch over him and well, since he seemed pretty okay that day I didn’t think he’d do anything stupid and so I was a bit careless,” Jihoon muttered, looking on the ground, “I guess he noticed so and well, he left the dorm without me noticing. At first, I was in a great state of panic but I also didn’t want to worry the other members so I went out to look for him by myself.”

I nodded, telling him to go on.

“I found him at the hospital. He sat on a chair next to your room and was crying, well, more like sobbing and talking about losing you or something. I didn’t understand since his words didn’t make sense and he wouldn’t answer my questions. He was just sad, I can’t even explain it,” He furrowed his eyebrows while talking, “So I thought I should ask you what’s going on and went to open the door to your room but Mingyu suddenly yelled at me not to do that, which confused me even more.”

He was silent for a short moment, trying to find the right words to continue.

“Wonwoo, I did open the door because I was worried that something must’ve happened to you but you-“ He stopped again, obviously struggling to say those next few words, “Wonwoo, you were making out with Seokjin in there. Like, a lot.”

I stopped walking, my eyes wide as I took in Jihoon’s words. So he’d seen me and Seokjin back then? And Mingyu had seen us as well? How couldn’t I have noticed that? Just what the hell had gotten into me that day?

“I was confused and so I closed the door again and told Mingyu to explain to me what the heck was going on. And he cried even more and kept saying that he was replaced and not good enough after having hurt you like that. He was devastated, Wonwoo. He wouldn’t stop crying and saying that he ed up but I didn’t understand what the hell he was talking about.”

My heart was beating fast, even though I knew it shouldn’t be like that.

“After having calmed down a little he told me that he should be in that room with you and that he would be in your arms if he’d never hurt you the way he did. He seemed kind of heartbroken and I understood that something had been going on between you two, so I asked him if you two were together or liked each other,” Jihoon kept going, “Mingyu said that you’d been in love with him and if only he’d realized earlier that he was in love with you too then nothing would have ever happened to you. I didn’t understand back then but now that I know the whole story I do.”

I felt the tears hit my cheeks before even realizing that I was crying, my heart aching because of Jihoon’s words.

“Wonwoo, he loves you, that’s why he’s leaving. I’m not telling you to forgive him because what he did is simply unforgivable but I want you to understand that he’s doing all of this because he has realized that only by leaving you’ll get better. He wants you to be happy and to forget it all, so he’s erasing himself from your life.”

I looked at Jihoon, the tears still falling.

“But how can I be happy without him in my life?”

______

A/N: Hello everyone, hope you’re doing well! I know I’m late (as always) but as I’ve said, this story will be finished so I’m finishing it. I actually have been thinking the ending through and through and yeah, it’s taken some time. This chapter is pretty sad, I know, but it’s going to get better (not promising anything though). Let me know how you feel about it!

Also, the end of this chapter refers to chapter 35 if you can’t really remember… it’s been a long time.