The conversation with Mingyu did many things to me. 

Bad things.

Not only did it make me feel guilty for neglecting Mingyu's pain and focusing on myself instead, but I got scared as well. Scared of hurting him even more, scared of being the source of another one of his breakdowns.

Scratch that, I was terrified.

I didn't even understand his explanation, to be honest. The words he'd said weren't enough for me to forgive him for having given so much pain to me, but on the other hand, I was well aware that he hadn't even told me everything yet. And so I waited for more. 

Without getting answers. 

A few days passed and my hopeful mind kept telling me that he'd explain further, that Mingyu would finally let me know about everything that was going on, but apparently, he didn't feel like it. Mingyu was silent and it drove me crazy, because honestly, I just wanted to know the whole truth already. 

I didn't find it out, though, and it more than you might think.

Of course, I tried to talk to him various times but Mingyu somehow managed to do what he was best at: Ignoring me. Just like that, he went back to his self and I had no possible way to approach him without letting the other members know about our issue.

Speaking of the other members, well, that's a different story.

You're probably asking yourselves by now why I'm not writing anything about their reaction to me being gay, but I'll just be straight and tell you guys that there wasn't one. Because I didn't tell them anything. 

Why?

Well, when I said the conversation with Mingyu did bad things to me, I meant it. Since I didn't want him to experience even more pain and knew just how much he feared everyone turning against him, I couldn't even tell the other members since I didn't know what their reaction to Mingyu's behavior would be. 

I didn't want him to get even worse and so I decided to keep silent about everything, thinking I'd rather keep hurting myself instead of bringing pain to the person I loved. I simply didn't want Mingyu to be sad and that's why I concluded that telling the others wouldn't help at all.

It was a stupid decision, of course, but can you blame me for that? After all, I was in love and you know what they say: Love makes you do stupid things.

I didn't even think about it being something I would regret later on, because I seriously felt like I was some kind of hero, protecting Mingyu from evil. I was blinded, completely blinded by the way he made me feel which is why I couldn't even differentiate between good and bad decisions anymore. To me, everything was good as long as Mingyu wouldn't be hurt by it. The rest didn't matter since Mingyu's happiness was probably all that mattered to me at that point.

Sure, Junhui got mad at me for suddenly deciding not to tell anyone the truth, but when I explained to him why I couldn't do it, he probably thought since I was only worried about Mingyu, I'd get over it and change my mind soon. He was convinced that I'd come to realization and wouldn't let my love for Mingyu delude me anymore and so he sort of accepted my words, saying I wouldn't think like that after a few months would've passed.

But I did.

It's funny because at some point, even Minghao kept telling me to just come out already. Since he was still friends with Mingyu and had various conversations with him, he always tried to negotiate between us. But even Minghao was blocked by Mingyu after a while, not able to get him to talk about the topic anymore. It was as if Mingyu was trying to forget everything that had happened between us and apparently, he even succeeded at that.

Not only did Mingyu smile more often and seemed even brighter than before, but for some reason, he sort of managed to act around me like nothing had ever happened, really. As if there had never been a problem, he stuck himself close to me, pretending to be the best friend he'd always been. And the funny thing was, I couldn't even hate him for that since I loved him being affectionate more than anything.

Now you might be wondering how Mingyu managed to ignore me when he was so close to me the whole time, but it was different than what you think. He was close to me, sure, but because of that I didn't even get the chance to talk to him anymore since he always made sure that at least one other member was around us, making me unable to say what I so desperately wanted to get out. 

And on top of that, the fanservice thing didn't get better either.

I'm pretty convinced that Mingyu could be one of Korea's best actors. Seriously, he was so good at pretending to be close to me that even I got fooled into thinking that everything was okay between us. Sure, he'd achieved that before and so it wasn't anything new, but let me tell you, this time it was different. This time, I didn't even accept being deluded but it just happened out of nowhere. Mingyu seemed alright and the situation between us was okay as well which is why I fell into the trap of delusion once again, taking Junhui and Minghao right with me.

And to be honest, it made me happy, so I didn't even think it through as time passed by.

That was, until December came around and fate decided to torture me once again. Since it was the end of the year we had to attend various award shows and you might just guess who else had to be there as well.

That's right, Kim Seokjin.

In the beginning, I actually managed to stay away from him and simply stuck close to the other members, avoiding other groups as hard as possible. Since I was too awkward to talk to other people it wasn't even weird to the other members when I seemed to try to get away from other groups. They just shrugged it off whenever I swiftly got away from a possible conversation with strangers and hid behind them if I had to.

Honestly, it was hell.

Hiding and avoiding was one thing, but knowing that Seokjin was somewhere around me, probably even watching me in amusement as I did my best at getting away from him, it was such a terrifying feeling that it made me lose my mind. 

Mingyu noticed so too and for a reason I couldn't even comprehend, he stayed close to me, as if he was trying to protect me from the one person I honestly didn't want to see again. Even if I knew that I was overreacting, I was still too afraid to meet Seokjin again, thinking he would ruin everything I'd worked for. I mean, Seokjin knew basically everything about me and I was well aware that he was able to just tell anyone about it me being gay if he felt like doing so.

I knew how dangerous it was to be near him, because he was that one person who didn't have a reason to stay silent about my secret. He was the one who had nothing to lose by announcing that I'm gay and that's why I was too terrified to even think about meeting him again.

But I did.

It happened backstage at the Mama Awards. For a second I didn't pay enough attention to my surroundings and suddenly he was just there, crossing my path out of nowhere, wearing a small smile on his lips and raising his eyebrows at my horrified expression.

"You're good at running away, really", he told me, chuckling when I let out a small gasp, shock plastered over my face: "But don't worry, Wonwoo. We're good. I'm not going to do anything."

I didn't believe him at all.

"I actually only came here to tell you to stop avoiding me already and just greet me like everyone else before people actually notice something. Honestly, some of your members look at me like I'm some kind of horrible person. They must've realized you're hiding from me", Seokjin sighed playfully, still wearing that small smirk on his lips, amused by the way I was reacting to him: "Or wait, don't tell me you've told your members about us?"

"I didn't", I let out almost immediately, my voice higher than it usually was: "I didn't tell anyone, I promise."

Seokjin laughed.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm over it. Just make sure they don't find out because I'm honestly not in the mood to explain whatever happened between us", he told me, shrugging his shoulders.

It was then when Mingyu apparently felt like appearing again, making the situation even worse than it already was. 

"What's going on here? Why is he talking to you, Wonwoo-hyung?", he asked, sounding concerned when I knew he was just faking it. I smiled at him as he put his arm around my shoulder, glaring at Seokjin in a way that made my heart beat faster. I felt protected almost instantly.

"Oh, so you guys have made up? Wait, don't tell me you actually like Wonwoo back now?", Seokjin laughed as he saw how worried Mingyu was: "Or are you still pretending to be close to him when you actually don't give a ?"

His words hurt. I mean, the truth was always painful, but when Seokjin talked about it like that, it was even worse. Because he knew how to put it into words, making it sound as bad as it actually was. 

"It's not your business anymore, so just leave Wonwoo-hyung alone. You've done enough damage", Mingyu muttered, angered, but only earned another chuckle from Seokjin who clearly liked Mingyu's behavior: "Oh, trust me, Mingyu. You're doing so much more damage to Wonwoo than I ever did. And you're probably still convinced that you're a good person, aren't you?"

I hated Seokjin for those words. I honestly just hated him because he was the one who saw reality, not getting fooled by our act. I'm serious, even Junhui and Minghao had been deluded into thinking that the situation wasn't bad anymore and so it hurt like hell when Seokjin suddenly spoke the truth, seeing through everything we did like it was nothing.

"Oh well, I thought something between you guys must've changed by now, but apparently Wonwoo is still too weak to fight against his feelings for you. It's sad, really", he said, shrugging his shoulders afterwards: "But Wonwoo, if getting hurt by Mingyu is what you want, I'll let you be. It's not my business anymore, Mingyu is right about that."

He left just like that, making me sigh out loud in complete frustration. Of course, I was happy that the situation hadn't gotten out of hand, but once again I'd been brought back to reality. And the fact that Seokjin was the one who'd actually spoken the truth was even worse.

It made me feel humiliated.

"Are you okay?", Mingyu asked, still showing concern which clearly wasn't even real. And instead of telling him the truth or fighting his arm off, complaining about the faked worry he was displaying, I just nodded, giving him a small smile: "Of course, thanks for that."

Lies, nothing but lies.

As soon as Mingyu let go of me, it was all too real. His pretentious self was suddenly so visible to me that I wanted to scream at him, telling him my true feelings, but for some reason, I was too numb to do so. Realizing that he wasn't only deluding the members and fans, but actually tried to fool me into thinking we were okay as well, I felt sick. 

And betrayed.

It was as if Mingyu thought I was too stupid to notice what he was trying to do and suddenly, it dawned on me that I actually had been fooled. God, I hated it all and yet I couldn't even tell him so, because I knew he didn't care anyways.

Everything was way too complicated, way too ed up for me to grasp a thought anyways. I only knew that my mind had tricked me once again and let that sink in, hating my disgustingly pathetic state.

As always.
______

But as time flew by once again and I actually stopped to let my feelings fool myself, I changed. Suddenly, I did know how to get mad at Mingyu and how to fight against him. Suddenly, I felt like quitting the fanservice thing and telling him to get away from me, not liking how Mingyu's proximity kept deluding me and took away my opportunity to fall out of love.

Then again, I only knew how to have an outburst, instead of actually being sure of whatever I was doing. It was just that, me screaming at Mingyu to leave me alone before simply agreeing with him once again, doing everything he wanted me to. It was me fighting against the situation but him convincing me of staying by his side anyways, always.

I would hate Mingyu for the way he treated me for a day, but agree on giving the fans some fanservice the next day, clinging to Mingyu and smiling as if we were the best friends on earth. 

Nothing really changed, even if my attitude did. 

And so I was still a huge mess when February came with the small difference that I'd become a mess which actually tried to fight back, not achieving anything by doing that, though. 

Probably because I was too weak to actually hold on to my plans and always gave up when Mingyu went against me. Honestly, he was way too good at manipulating me, making me nothing more but his puppet, trying to cut off the wires he was controlling me with.

And sure, I knew all too well that I could talk to Junhui and Minghao about it all, but I was too satisfied with them believing that Mingyu and I had gotten better and therefore I didn't even want to destroy their happiness anymore. 

It was as if every person who knew what was going on was too dangerous to handle since they were able to hurt Mingyu by letting others know about it all. And even if I hated Mingyu so damn much, I still didn't want him to get judged and hated on by the other members, thinking he didn't deserve that kind of pain. 

Maybe I simply liked how everyone stayed away from our business as well. Deep down, I actually wanted to solve everything myself, hating the idea of having to rely on others when it came to my own problem.

I was stupid, yes, but I wanted to be the one to find out of my misery myself.

It was the thirteenth February which changed it all. Or more importantly, the Encore Concert we held that night. You guys probably know which concert I'm talking about because yes, it was a pretty important one when it came to the level of fanservice Mingyu and I had ever displayed during our still very short career.

Actually, before that certain concert we'd filmed a small video in which both of us were seen fighting already, pushing each other while doing so, our foreheads touching for a second. Let me just tell you guys how ing hard it was to fight the urge to just kiss Mingyu right there and then and how bad it got when we did the same thing when preparing our special stage for the concert for that one night.

It was even worse than hell.

As if Mingyu wanted to show me what I couldn't have, he initiated more skin contact than needed whenever we practiced the stage, leaving me speechless at the end of it basically every time. It hurt to be so close to him, knowing I couldn't have him and what made everything even worse was that Mingyu knew exactly how I was feeling. But I didn't say anything, knowing that the other members would realize that something was wrong. I rehearsed being so close to Mingyu countless times and instead of letting my heart take over and just kissing him, I listened to my mind which clearly told me not to trust my heart.

It all worked well until the actual night of the concert where for some reason, the whole excitement decided to up my mind, telling me not to go on stage since it would end in a disaster. I got scared, honestly, since I knew that I couldn't trust myself. And so, as the concert was about to start, I sat backstage, not even moving a single muscle, telling everyone I wouldn't do the special stage. 

Against Mingyu's will, of course.

It all happened in a rush and my mind was too blank and worked up to notice it anyways, but at some point, the members left, thinking Mingyu alone could help me gain the strength for the concert. 

It was a bad decision, but I couldn't blame them for that. They had no idea, after all.

"Wonwoo, get your together already! The fans are waiting, we have to get on the stage and give them the show they're waiting for!", Mingyu screamed at me, obviously fed up with the way I was behaving. But I just couldn't do that. I couldn't go out there and do the special stage with Mingyu. 

I didn't want to hurt myself more, if that was even possible. 

"I can't, I hate this", I mumbled, trying to stop myself from crying. I didn't want to pretend anymore, I just wanted to go on stage and be myself instead of putting up a show. If course, I was well aware the fans would love the special stage Mingyu and I had prepared, but going through all of that once again, even the thought of it made me sick to my stomach.

"Well, newsflash, I don't like being so close to you either. But it's what we're supposed to be! It's our fault that we have to do this now, so get a ing grip and come with me!", Mingyu yelled, angrily. Taking my wrist without my permission, he simply dragged me towards the stage, not giving me any more time to prepare myself.

I just had to do it, even if I hated it so damn much.

The stage felt way too hot and the fans' screams were too loud to think clearly. I was flustered and seriously just wanted to throw up. But I knew I couldn't do that, I knew I had to face the situation and get through it without showing the fans how messed up I really was.

In the beginning, everything went quite well. Since Mingyu was rapping on the other side of the stage, I didn't feel nervous and uneasy. But as we got closer and soon stood directly in front of each other, I felt my heart almost fall out of my chest, my emotions going to waste. 

I rapped angrily, spitting out the words I had prepared for this moment, but somehow they seemed to have a complete new meaning than when I had practiced them. Our foreheads soon pressed together, I knew I was done for. Mingyu was way too close, the stage was way too hot and my feelings were uncontrollable. Having the one person I loved and hated at the same time so close to me, I felt the urge to either kiss or push him away, but I knew I wasn't allowed to do either of these things.

I was only allowed to do what we'd practiced and so I tried to collect myself, acting the way I was said to do. 

Mingyu, on the other hand, apparently felt like misbehaving. Reading the atmosphere, the fans' obvious positive reaction to the stage, he quickly leaned towards the side and gave my hand a kiss. Not a long one, but a sweet and quick kiss which was barely visible. But the fans' screams got even louder, making Mingyu grin mischievously. His eyes locked with mine once again, basically showing me that he had the upper hand in this situation, but I tried to keep myself calm.

I simply did what we'd practiced, even if my heart was screaming in pain.

As soon as the concert was over, I stormed off the stage, leaving the other members who still waved and said their goodbyes alone. Backstage, I kicked away the first thing that I could find, letting my frustrations out. My heart was still beating fast and I knew I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They just fell without permission. 

Mingyu calmly went backstage, then took a bottle of water and opened the lid, looking at me with an annoyed expression: "You should seriously get yourself together. We're idols and this is a show. The way you behave is just pathetic, crying and telling everyone that you don't want to do the stage anymore. How stupid can you be? You almost ed everything up!"

And I don't know what suddenly came over me, but I just angrily walked towards Mingyu and pushed him against the wall next to him, making him loose the grip of his bottle which ended up falling on the ground, water splashing everywhere. Shocked, Mingyu just stared at me, not knowing what to expect.

"What? Are you scared that I'm going to kiss you like you did to me on stage? Well, maybe I should find someone to film it so that you'll like it!", I yelled out the words I'd so badly wanted to say, but Mingyu just grinned at me, liking how enraged I was because of him.

And I hated it. I hated how he kept ing me up in every possible way and still managed to smirk like that, probably not even hurting half as much as I did. I guess I just wanted him to be shocked and pained as well and that's why I did it, or maybe I simply wanted to get rid of his ugly grin.

No, I actually didn't even think about anything as I let my lips crash on his, kissing him without permission once again.

______

A/N: Did you guys miss me? I don't even want to know how mad you are after reading this chapter and seeing Wonwoo's stupid behavior but ah, did you really think I'd let things get better? Nahhh

Again, thanks for reading and commenting! I haven't even replied to half of the comments but I'll do that now if you still want me to :) OH AND THANK FOR THE MANY BIRTHDAY WISHES THAT WAS SO NICE!!