"He's running away," I told myself over and over again, trying to assure myself that I wasn't at fault for Mingyu's sudden decision to just let go of his lifelong dream, "He's just running away from everything. He's stupid, a coward, he doesn't know how to handle our problem and now he's just running away, leaving everything behind."

I kept repeating it in my mind, thinking it would make me feel less burdened, less hurt. Yet I couldn't let go of the creeping thought which told me that it was my fault, that I was the one who made Mingyu want to throw away everything he'd worked for all this time.

"It's his decision. I never told him to leave, no, I never said anything about him leaving Seventeen," I told myself way too many times, not even able to concentrate on the practice or anything else I did with the members. 

They didn't really say anything about it, though.

Since I was actually back in the practice room with them, since I ate breakfast and dinner with them, since I didn't hide in my room anymore and actually tried to at least exchange a few words with them they were more than happy, probably thinking I was getting back to normal, that it would only take some time until I'd smile and laugh with them like before.

I didn't know how to laugh or smile anymore, though.

I tried so hard to just do what I was told to do, to dance how I was told to dance, to sit where I was told to sit and eat what was placed in front of me that I didn't even feel like a proper human anymore, just functioning like a robot and doing everything in order to stay with the group. 

My mind was always somewhere else, thinking about my situation, about Mingyu's situation, about Mingyu's decision to leave Seventeen.

I couldn't get rid of the huge burden he'd placed on me at all.

It wasn't even the fact that he wanted to leave the group but that he wanted to do so in order for me to get better. I mean, both of us knew that I wasn't able to forgot about him, even if he left Seventeen and moved to the other side of the world. We knew I wouldn't get back to normal because I'd never been "normal" without him by my side. It was useless for him to just cut everything off when I wouldn't get better in the end anyways.

Yet he'd decided to leave, claiming it was all for my sake, for my well-being, claiming he wouldn't find it hard to cope without Seventeen.

To be honest, I'd always known Mingyu was weak without Seventeen by his side, without all the members keeping him company and giving him the attention he needed, the affection he so desperately wanted. Mingyu was way more fragile than he seemed, always needy when it came to compliments and love. He couldn't do without the other members at all since they were the ones who'd made him into the person he was, the ones who'd given him strength ever since he'd joined the group. Mingyu had nothing besides the group, he'd told me so way too often during our trainee days, explaining how his family had so many expectations, how they'd put their trust and money into him to make something out of their son.

Mingyu had always tried to make his parents proud, longing for their compliments and happiness, longing for a love he'd never really gotten from them. And I knew he saw Seventeen as more than just his opportunity to gain fame because I'd been there, I had listened to him cry about the non-existent love of his parents, the heavy burden they'd placed on him and the way they made him feel like he didn't belong to a family at all.

Mingyu had always wanted nothing more than to be loved, I'd known it from the beginning and yet only when he was about to throw away his last bit of happiness I remembered how strongly connected he was to the group. Mingyu wouldn't be able to be without Seventeen, I was so goddamn sure of it yet I didn't know how to tell him to stay with us, to stay with the family he needed.

Hell, there was nobody else to take care of him besides Seventeen and yet he'd decided to turn his back on the members, the worst part of it being that he was doing so for my sake.

I hated it. 

"You have to talk him out of it, you have to change his mind and make him stay," my heart kept chanting, telling me that I couldn't just sit around and wait for the day he'd leave any longer. But something inside of me always stopped me from doing so, something inside of me was too scared, too hurt, too confused to talk to Mingyu about his decision.

"For s sake, Jeon Wonwoo," my mind kept screaming, telling me to get my together. Did I want Mingyu to stay, did I want to endure being by his side forever but at least know he'd be okay then? Or did I want him to go through with his plan, to get out of my sight and forget his dreams? 

I didn't know what to do.
______

"I'm going to leave Seventeen."

Mingyu's words were followed by silence, nothing but a thick silence, heads turning and eyes widening. The members only gazed at him, too shocked to speak, too perplexed to do anything but stare.

I held my breath as Mingyu's words kept repeating in my head, the words I'd hoped would never leave his lips again. And yet he'd said them so easily while everyone had cheerfully shared their breakfast, he'd let those words out so nonchalantly as if they didn't mean a thing to him, as if nothing meant anything to him anymore.

I closed my eyes, telling my heart to calm down as I felt it beating faster and faster, beating so hard that I couldn't even breath correctly anymore, my chest hurting too damn much. 

"Why now?" I wanted to ask him, overwhelmed by this sudden confrontation, "Why couldn't you wait with this and tell them another time? Why did you have to say it now?"

Yet no words left my lips.

All I could do was to open my eyes again and stare right back at Mingyu who's gaze had already fallen on me, silently telling me to keep calm, to stay still and let him finish what he had planned.

"What did you say?" Seungcheol suddenly asked, probably thinking he had to be the one to speak up first, "Correct me if I'm wrong but did you honestly just say that you'll leave Seventeen?" 

Mingyu turned his head to look at Seungcheol and slowly, painfully slowly, he started to nod, his eyes showing no emotion whatsoever. It was like his soul had left him completely, his action almost robot-like and suddenly, I realized that Mingyu and I had become so alike, both so ing broken and empty that we couldn't even show emotions anymore.

It was terrifying. 

"Why? Mingyu, this doesn't make any sense," Seungcheol shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing before he stood up, "Let's talk in private for a few minutes."

But Mingyu didn't move, his lips slowly forming a smile, his eyes wandering through the room, meeting mine for only a short second, before traveling back to Seungcheol. "No, I want everyone to hear me out."

The members sat there, confusion and shock still plastered on their faces as they, as all of us awaited Seungcheol's answer, still too taken aback to speak, to oppose, to throw questions at Mingyu and scream at him to explain himself.

"Okay," Seungcheol muttered, surely not too happy with Mingyu's answer but sitting back down anyways, "Then go ahead and tell us what the made you come to the decision to leave Seventeen."

And Mingyu chuckled at that, as if it was nothing but a joke, as if the members, as if Seventeen meant nothing to him at that point. "Isn't that kind of obvious?"

His eyes met mine, just for a short second they met mine, telling me it would be fine, that he'd solve it all, that I'd be okay. Then, he looked back at the other members.

"I told you that I'm at fault for what happened to Wonwoo," he started to explain, letting out a small breath, "I told you over and over again that I'm the reason he tried to kill himself. Wonwoo, he-"

Mingyu hesitated, closing his eyes for a short moment. And as he did, I suddenly felt the members' stares, their eyes looking at me in confusion and pain, asking for answers I couldn't give.

"Wonwoo and I shouldn't be in the same group anymore," Mingyu then said, his eyelids fluttering open as his words filled the heavy silence, "He's trying so hard to get better but he can't and it's because of me, because I'm here, reminding him of everything that happened."

Once again, silence. Mingyu didn't know how to explain further, the members didn't know what to answer and I, well, I was way too scared to even say a single word as I felt those eyes on me, as the feeling of guilt grew and grew, making my heart ache so much more.

"I shouldn't be a part of Seventeen anymore," Mingyu broke the silence, shaking his head at his own words, "No, I can't be a part of this group anymore. Not after everything I've done, not when Wonwoo needs me gone."

I let out a shaky breath, my hands starting to sweat as my heart wouldn't calm down, trying so hard to keep still, to let Mingyu talk without hyperventilating.

"That's so ing stupid," a voice suddenly complained, undoubtedly belonging to Jihoon, other members soon agreeing, telling Mingyu that he wasn't at fault for anything, that I was okay again, that he shouldn't blame himself anymore, that there was no reason to leave the group. 

The room got loud, all the members disagreeing with Mingyu's words, not even letting him speak but straight out telling him his reasoning was utter bull, that he should get a grip already and forget what was in the past. And I blocked out their voices, suddenly feeling heavily attacked for something I hadn't done, for words I hadn't even said. I felt so ing at fault for the whole situation that it made me feel sick, so sick and suffocated. 

And then there was Seungcheol, yelling and telling the members to calm down, to let him speak instead and handle everything and before I could even collect myself there was another silence, the members following Seungcheol's words and shutting up in an instant, probably realizing themselves that it was better to let the leader talk.

And he did.

"Mingyu, listen, we've gone over this way too many times but I'm telling you once again," he started, letting out a sigh, "You aren't at fault for anything and Wonwoo doesn't blame you for what happened. He probably doesn't want you to leave the group either. Look, he came back on his own and didn't complain even once, so why would you think he'd want you gone?"

Mingyu hesitated before answering.

"Because you guys are wrong," he then let out, giving me a short glance before continuing, "Because you don't know what happened between us and therefore don't know what I did to him. Because Wonwoo doesn't tell you how ing broken he is and because- because I talked to him about this a few days ago and he agreed with me."

My eyes widened.

"I never agreed with you!" I wanted to scream at Mingyu, feeling so utterly wronged and at the same time I knew that I'd never disagreed with his decision either, that I'd never told him to stay when I should've done so right when he'd told me.

There was another silence, more staring and suddenly, way too suddenly, questions thrown at me, asking whether Mingyu's words were the truth, whether I'd told him to leave and given him a hard time lately. I was too shocked to answer, trying to block out the many voices asking me what was going on with me and why I'd agreed with Mingyu so easily. 

And then I heard it. I'm not sure which member said it but someone let those words slip out in anger, throwing them at me when I'd feared them so much.

"This is your ing fault!"

And I knew it myself, that everything was my fault, that I was the reason Mingyu wanted to leave, the reason why this situation even happened, the reason why everything had become so ed up and turned upside down when we could've been just a normal group, a group without problems like my undying love for Kim Mingyu.

Because I'd been the one who'd started it all along.

"It's not Wonwoo's fault, okay?" I heard Mingyu scream and the voices died down, the members obviously wanting to hear what he had to say, "It's my fault and not his. I'm the one who hurt him and that's why I should take responsibility. You guys just don't understand what I mean because you don't have a single idea what kind of ed up I did, alright? You don't know what Wonwoo had to go through because of me!"

He was yelling at the top of his lungs, the members looking at him with wide eyes, surprised at his sudden outburst. It was silent once again, only Mingyu's loud breathing filling the room as he was trying to calm down. 

And then, a short moment later, another voice filled the room, a small and pained voice. "Explain what you did, then."

It was my own.

______

A/N: I hope this chapter makes you guys as angry as I felt after writing it, because damn this situation is so ing frustrating.

I don't have anything against the other members, by the way, don't ask me why I made them so despicable because I literally just feel like it's a must to make them react that way after everything they had to go trough. BUT!!! The end, did you see that, did you hear Wonwoo's small voice???? BECAUSE I DID I ING DID

I'm sorry if this chapter is ... I wrote it after streaming Not Today for too long and you know that song makes you want to fight literally everyone, so yeah. Anyways, thanks for reading and supporting this fanfic and always staying even though I've let you down wayyyy too many times. Love you!