I had to talk to Mingyu, it was all I could think about.

The whole way back to the dorm my mind kept screaming at me, telling me to just give him a call already and talk things through with him, either to get it over with or to forget Jihoon’s words. But I couldn’t do neither, too scared to call Mingyu, too excited to forget what Jihoon had said. I was simply doing what I always did when it came to situations like this.

Overthinking.

I didn’t know what to believe anymore, too wishful when it came to Mingyu loving me but at the same time too doubtful when thinking about him telling the truth. It just didn’t make sense to me. If Mingyu had actually loved me back then and just not noticed so then how was he able to put me through so much pain? I couldn’t understand.

Yet I wanted to believe Jihoon’s words.

It wasn’t even like I was wishing to get back together with Mingyu or to even start anything near a relationship again yet it was a nice feeling, just thinking about him loving me back.

It was so reassuring yet I knew that just thinking like that wasn’t right.

I knew that clinging onto that last bit of hope was unhealthy and did nothing but damage and still I wanted to be loved by Mingyu, wanted him to cherish and think about me all the time.

So maybe it was stupid of me to text him, telling him I wanted to see and talk to him. Maybe it was a mistake that I didn’t even think about the outcome of my actions and only wanted to secure the feeling of love. Yeah, maybe it was a huge mistake.

But what if it wasn’t?

______

Mingyu didn’t text back that night.

I should’ve known he wouldn’t answer immediately, probably not sure of what to say or how to talk to me. After all, he’d left without even saying goodbye, he’d left me with the members and chosen to erase himself from my life.

And while he’d decided all those things by himself, I still couldn’t accept his decision. I didn’t want Mingyu to be gone, didn’t want him to leave our group and throw away everything he’d worked so hard for.

But most of all, I didn’t want him to vanish from my side just like that.

Of course, I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done, couldn’t forgive those things he’d said or the way he’d played with me but as I kept thinking about his actions back then, I soon knew that Mingyu himself had needed just as much help as I did. Mingyu, just like me, had to suffer a great lot those last few years and even though I liked to think it was completely his fault, I knew it wasn’t.

Because Mingyu simply hadn’t been in a healthy state of mind.

He’d tried so hard to accomplish a dream he didn’t need to accomplish at all that everything besides that wouldn’t even reach his mind anymore. He’d been so confused and hurt by my actions back then that every even slightly humane thought seemed inappropriate to him and so he’d concentrated on gaining fame, pushing every feeling he’d felt aside. Mingyu had forgotten how to trust and cherish anyone around him, only knowing how to concentrate on himself and his goals, his mind not allowing him to feel love or even any kind of joy anymore.

Mingyu had been sick all this time and we hadn’t even noticed, it was the truth nobody wanted to talk about.

So when I tried to address this exact topic the next morning, I only earned disapproving looks from the members. They couldn’t understand my words, saying Mingyu was still at fault for everything and that I shouldn’t think about it anymore since he was leaving. It was like they were trying to avoid talking about Mingyu and I disliked it, wanting nothing more but for us to openly discuss what we felt about him wanting to quit.

I hated how the members kept shutting me up as soon as I brought him up because after all, he hadn’t done anything to them with intend. Sure, they’d suffered a great lot because of everything that had happened between Mingyu and me but in the end, it was just me he’d hurt intendedly yet they took it personally as if he’d wanted to damage them just as much as me.

“But that doesn’t change the fact that Mingyu needs help. And with that I mean, you know, professional help. He’s not going to be okay after just leaving us,” I tried to somehow make them understand yet nobody wanted to listen to me, still too angry with Mingyu to think about his feelings, too angry with the whole situation to think clearly.

“Wonwoo, maybe you should be the one to seek some professional help first,” Junhui told me, an apologetic smile forming on his lips, “And then we can talk about Mingyu.”

And even though I knew he was right, I didn’t really want to think about it. I mean, I was well aware of the fact that it was stupid to talk about Mingyu’s health when I myself needed just as much help as he did but I was simply scared. Scared to see a therapist and to go through all the pain again by talking to them about it. I was scared I’d find even scarier thoughts buried somewhere inside of me and certainly didn’t want to root out those complicated feelings.

I knew seeing a therapist would be way too painful to handle and so I dismissed the thought of seeking professional help as soon as it came up.

______

Mingyu didn’t answer all day. Even when evening came around, my message was still left unread and even though I knew that I should’ve expected so, I felt uneasy just looking at my phone and not getting a reply.

I wanted to talk to Mingyu, wanted to hear his voice and just discuss everything with him, wanted to tell him that he shouldn’t leave my side, that he should simply stay with us, that we could work things out and forget what had happened if only we tried hard.

And I didn’t know what had gotten into me but I just knew that if I didn’t do anything then he’d just be gone, gone without us having discussed it all, gone without me having told him to stay.

Simply, gone.

I knew that we had to work out a lot, that we had to learn how to trust again and that it wouldn’t be easy to make the members understand and accept it all, but as I kept thinking about Jihoon’s words from the night before, as I kept repeating Mingyu’s words from the day we’d explained everything to the members, as all these thoughts kept haunting my mind I only knew one thing: I wouldn’t get better with Mingyu just leaving like that.

I wouldn’t get better with the source of all the pain I’d been through just being gone. No, instead of fleeing and trying to push away all thoughts of my suffering I had to face what had happened in order to get better. I had to face the past and its painful memories, had to sort out all those feelings with Mingyu by my side, I had so much to simply clear up and understand in order to face those dark days buried deep in my heart.

I needed Mingyu’s help to get better, it’s the conclusion I came up with.

It’s the reason why I called him that night, my hand shaking a little as it was clinging onto the phone, my heart pounding fast in my chest as his voice answered with a silent “Hello?”.

And I didn’t even know what to do at first, too happy to hear his voice, too scared of what to say.

“Wonwoo?” Was all he asked, his voice shaking a little as well. He was probably just as nervous and bewildered as I was, “Wonwoo, what do you want?”

He sounded concerned, as if he thought that something horrible must’ve happened for me to call him, as if he couldn’t even believe that I’d dialed his number with my own two hands.

“Can we see each other?” I breathed into the phone, hands still shaking as I was trying to calm my mind, “Can we talk, please?”

Mingyu was silent at first, probably taken aback by my words, probably not understanding where they were coming from. But when he replied, it sure wasn’t an answer I’d been waiting for. “Wonwoo, I don’t know.”

My heart stopped for a moment, suddenly being hit by reality. “What?”

Mingyu took some time until he answered, maybe thinking of the right words to say, maybe just not wanting to talk to me at all. “I don’t think it’s good for you to see me anymore. Wonwoo, you know we shouldn’t see each other from now on. It’s just not-“

“You’re wrong,” I cut him off, not wanting him to go any further, “Mingyu, that’s wrong. You leaving us is wrong and won’t help me at all. At least, Mingyu, let’s at least talk a little, please. Let’s just meet up and talk some things through, alright?”

He was still for a long while, the silence stretching like eternity as I was waiting for a reply.

“Are you sure?” Was all he said and even though it wasn’t any kind of agreement, even though his words probably didn’t mean as much as I was reading into them, a small smile formed on my lips, happy that he wasn’t fighting my words.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

______

And so we met up that night.

Since I knew that the members would be concerned with me leaving the dorm so late, I agreed with Mingyu to meet up pretty late so that I could be sure that all members would’ve gone to sleep.

When the clock hit three in the morning, I slowly climbed out of bed in order not to wake anyone up, tiptoeing through our room until I reached to door and carefully slipping through it. Making it out of the dorm from there was easy as I silently walked through our hallway until I reached the front door, quickly putting on my shoes and jacket and leaving our apartment just like that.

Mingyu and I had agreed to meet up at the nearby playground at around half past three and so I still had some time left until I had to be there, making my footsteps go slower and slower as I took in the refreshing night air.

It was a beautiful night, the wind fresh and the moonlight bright, no clouds visible in the sky. And maybe as I took in those beautiful surroundings and realized what exactly I was about to do, yeah, maybe I did feel some sort of hope forming inside of me.

Maybe my footsteps felt light as I walked through the streets. Because I just knew that it could only get better from now on.

Because for the first time in a long while, I’d taken action.

______

Mingyu was already sitting on one of the swings when I arrived at the playground, his head tilted back as he was looking up at the sky.

And for a short moment I stopped walking, observing him a little while trying to keep my mind calm. It took around thirty seconds until I was able to take another step towards him, the sound of my shoes sinking into the playground’s sand soon giving me away as Mingyu’s head turned to look at me.

Both of us didn’t say anything as I arrived and sat down on the swing next to him, both not looking at each other either. It was simply silent, the playground’s surrounding noises the only sources of sound.

“How have you been?” Was the first thing Mingyu managed to say, his voice resembling nothing more than a whisper. A sad smile formed on my lips as I realized that it wouldn’t be as easy to communicate as I’d thought.

Both of us had no idea what to do anymore.

“Not so well,” I answered truthfully, not wanting to feed him lies, “It’s been only two days since you’ve left yet it felt like so much more. The members aren’t doing well either, they don’t say it but I can feel it.”

It took some time for Mingyu to answer.

“It will get better after a while,” he uttered a reply, making my head turn towards him. He wasn’t looking at me, though, but rather staring on the ground, “The beginning is hard but you won’t miss me after a while, I promise.”

His words shocked me, my mind instantly going into panic as I understood what Mingyu was saying. He wasn’t even thinking of coming back but rather talking about it all getting better after him being gone for a while.

And I hated that idea.

“No, it won’t get better,” I argued, my voice rising a little as I was losing my cool, “Mingyu, I won’t get better without you, don’t you understand that?”

That last sentence came out louder and much more desperate than I’d intended it to, Mingyu’s head finally turning and him looking at me. And that’s when I saw it, those heavy eyebags under his eyes, those reddish eye rims indicating just how much he must’ve cried.

I looked down, somehow feeling bad for yelling at him like that when he obviously wasn’t taking the situation well either.

“Wonwoo, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to help you forget and that’s why I’ve made the decision to leave but somehow it hurts so-“ He stopped for a moment, trying not to let anymore tears fall. “It hurts so much.”

He didn’t break out in tears and I was thankful for that. Instead of crying, he just let out a big breath, trying to regain his composure.

It really wasn’t as easy as I wanted it to be.

“If you want me to get better, then stay.” I uttered the response which I’d been dying to let out ever since I’d arrive at the playground. “I will never get better of you just leave like this and force me to forget everything when I still haven’t gotten any conclusion or even understood all those feelings I’ve bottled up.”

He was still, listening to my words.

“Mingyu, I need you in order for me to get better. I need you to talk to me, need to understand all those feelings, I need you for all of that,” I tried to explain all those thoughts scattering through my mind, “And Mingyu, you need me too, you need me for the exact same reason.”

His eyes were on mine again, not letting go as they stared deeply into mine, trying to find the truth of my words, before he slowly opened his lips and uttered a shaky “I know”.

And as both of us just sat on those swings on the playground, broken but desperately seeking for a solution to fix everything, I didn’t feel as lonely anymore as I used to feel. Because even though I’d gone through all of that suffering because of Mingyu, even though he’d gone through pain because of me, even though our last few years had been nothing but depression and chaos, we finally sat together and understood that we could be able to fix ourselves by working together.

So when Mingyu’s tears did start to fall and he looked away in an instant, not wanting me to see him cry, I didn’t feel any kind of remorse as I stood up and took a step towards him, telling him to stand up as well and to look at me. Mingyu did stand up but his eyes wouldn’t look at me, once again staring at the ground.

“Mingyu, we’re going to get help, okay?” I inquired, my hand landing on his shoulder as I tried to make him look at me. And he did, his eyes slowly traveling up until they found mine.

“Mingyu, let’s talk to the manager and the members and tell them we’ll both get professional help,” I insisted, his eyes widening a bit at my words, “And let’s pack your bags and bring them back to the dorm.”

He only stared at me, trying to process everything I’d said, trying to understand the meaning behind my words. And as he did, a small, almost shy smile formed on his lips, tears still falling. “Okay.”

“Okay,” I repeated, nodding my head as I also gave him a hopeful smile, “Okay, let’s do that.”

And I’m not even sure how it happened or who initiated it first but before I knew it, we were enfolded in each other’s arms, both breathing heavily, both nervous and confused but happy and most importantly, both hopeful.

Hopeful that we would fix the mess we’d created.

_______

A/N: Hi! So yes, I’m back with another chapter and not so sure if I went too fast with this one? Let me know if I did and I’ll delete this mess (even though I really like this chapter lol)

As always, thanks for reading and commenting (sorry that I didn’t reply to you guys as I used to, I’m actually super stressed lately so no idea why I even wrote this chapter when I should be doing tons of group work but yeah, I did read all your comments and was super happy about all the kind words and love I got from you guys, thanks for that <3)