I woke up in Mingyu's arms, my head resting on his chest and my legs entangled with his. It was such a comfortable and warm position that it actually managed to bring a smile on my lips as I snuggled even closer to Mingyu, happy to have him right next to me. I stayed like that for about two minutes, enjoying nothing but the warmth radiating from Mingyu's body, then I realized what kind of situation I was in.

My smile fell in less than a second.

Mingyu holding me in his arms was wrong and me enjoying his embrace certainly wasn't right either, I remembered it all too well. I wasn't supposed to be so close to him and he wasn't allowed to hug me like that, I knew it and yet I didn't want to let go, scared to lose the warmth he'd engulfed me with for this one night.

The warmth I wasn't supposed to enjoy.

Slowly, I started to free myself from his arms, careful not to wake him up as I let go of his comfortable hold, hating how he still wore that small smile on his lips as I was getting more and more upset about the whole situation.

I didn't want to get out of his embrace at all.

"What is wrong with you?", I mumbled in anger, trying to tell myself that Mingyu holding me in his sleep was something that should make me upset and annoyed, maybe even disgusted. But for some reason, my heart was still beating fast as I thought about how close he was, how close he'd been all night. 

I sighed, turning my head to look back at Mingyu who was still sleeping soundlessly, his hair a complete mess, his mouth opening slightly. And if I hadn't been as conflicted by everything he'd done to me I'd probably been in awe when watching him sleep, adoring his vulnerable state.

He just looked so damn beautiful and innocent like that.

Sighing once again, I closed my eyes and started shaking my head, trying to get all those thoughts out of my mind. I knew how wrong it was to think of Mingyu like that after having been through hell because of him, I knew I was behaving against everything I'd planned by adoring him when I wanted nothing more than to forget about my feelings for him.

But it was hard. Letting go of him was way too hard.

"Get your together, Jeon Wonwoo", I muttered, opening my eyes again but not quite daring to look at Mingyu, scared my heart would beat even faster if I did so: "Mingyu isn't as innocent as he seems right now. He's not the person you want him to be, so stop yourself from feeling this way."

I was talking to myself, not even caring about how stupid and desperate I sounded. I guess I'd come to a point where things like that didn't even matter to me anymore. To be honest, I'm not so sure what exactly even mattered to me at that point.

Mingyu did, of course he did matter.

But was I happy about that? Not at all. I didn't want him to matter to me anymore, I didn't want to be so affected by every little thing he did, I didn't even want to feel anything when being with him anymore.

I just wanted to forget him and everything he'd done.

But as I looked at him again, my expression softening as I watched his sleeping face, I remembered it would take much more than just my will to get Mingyu out of my heart. Or was it even possible to get him out of there?

I was pretty sure I already knew what the answer to that question was.

But it wasn't like I was able to forgive Mingyu either. He hadn't even apologized the night before but just cried about everything, feeling bad for himself since all the guilt was eating him apart. I didn't even know if Mingyu was truly sorry and cared about me or if he only wanted to get rid of the guilt he felt, hating how he was the reason someone had tried to kill themselves. Mingyu obviously hadn't thought about the issue properly and so I just knew I couldn't forgive him when his apologies were only meant for his own assurance.

They weren't meant for me at all.

Mingyu only felt guilty for himself, it was the conclusion I came up with as I sat next to him and watched him sleep peacefully. Mingyu didn't care about me at all but just wanted to ease his own mind, it's what I told myself over and over again.

I couldn't forgive him just like that.
______

Mingyu woke up much later than me, the smile on his face vanishing as soon as he noticed me staring at him, a frown placed on lips.

I guess I didn't look happy.

"Wonwoo", he only muttered, not so sure what else to say as I kept looking at him with a blank expression. I didn't even know what to say either, suddenly feeling frustrated as I watched Mingyu struggling when looking at me.

It felt like I was nothing but a burden.

"You're awake", I stated, nodding a bit while saying that: "Good. I guess you can leave now. The other members are probably waiting for you already."

I wanted him to get away from me, disliking how his presence kept shaking my heart. I had to distance myself from him, it was the only logical thing to do in order for me to get better. 

But Mingyu didn't like that idea at all, sitting up in an instant and furrowing his eyebrows.

"What? No! Wonwoo, you said you'd talk to me today!", he insisted immediately, his eyes showing disbelief: "You can't just throw me out now when I have so much to say to you!"

I looked away, fearing I might change my mind when seeing his face.

"I don't think I want to hear what you have to say", I explained to him truthfully: "I was a bit taken aback by your breakdown yesterday and so I said things I didn't mean to say. I don't want to talk to you and I think it's best for both of us if you leave now. Letting you sleep here next to me was a mistake and shouldn't happen again."

I wasn't even lying.

"Wonwoo, that's not fair!", Mingyu cried out, making me take in a deep breath: "You said we'd talk! You promised you'd let me explain and now you're taking those words back? Just let me apologize already! I'm going crazy right now but you keep changing your mind and playing with me!"

I felt like laughing at his words.

"I don't think it's right of you to talk about playing with someone", I told him, turning my head again as I felt confident enough to look at Mingyu: "You're the one who's been playing with me the whole time and now you're complaining that I'm not being fair? Mingyu, you don't even know what you're apologizing for! You're just trying to put your mind at ease right now because you feel guilty for what you've done!"

Mingyu's eyes widened, his mouth opening slightly.

"No, Wonwoo, that's not-"

"You say you're going crazy but do you even know how crazy I've already gotten?", I started yelling at him, suddenly feeling completely furious: "Because of you I'm not able to think straight anymore! I can't even sleep because you keep following me around in my dreams! I can't even tell the members about everything that's happened because they're more worried about you than about me! I can't even let go of you because you keep appearing and messing with my heart! Mingyu, you say you're going crazy? What am I, then? What's wrong with me, then?"

"Wonwoo, please-"

"No, not Wonwoo! It's Wonwoo-hyung for you!", I screamed, not even realizing what I was saying anymore: "Stop going on about how sorry you feel when you don't even know what you're talking about! You probably don't even regret what you've done but just hate how I've found out about it all! Just stop pitying yourself already and get out of my room before I completely lose it!"

Mingyu gasped, probably as shocked at my outburst as I was. I didn't even know why I was suddenly screaming at Mingyu like that or why I felt the need to tell him to get lost. I only knew that I was mad, scratch that, I was furious with him complaining about my behavior when he'd done such horrible things to me. Mingyu wasn't allowed to complain when I was the one who should've been complaining, it's all I thought about as I looked at him.

I suddenly wanted him to know his place.

"Can't I make it up to you?", he muttered, looking down in shame: "Can't I help you to get better? Because I don't know what else to do than to say sorry and to offer my help."

I huffed at Mingyu's words.

"You want to help me? No thanks, Mingyu", I laughed at him, feeling even more offended than before: "Before you say sorry and help me you should probably think about everything you've done first. You can't expect me to forgive you when all you do right now is to pity yourself. Mingyu, you don't even care about me, so get out before I feel the need to punch you."

Mingyu took in a deep breath.

"Punch me, then", he insisted, looking back at me with tears in his eyes: "Punch me if it makes you feel better. You can do anything you want, really. If it makes you better, then I'm okay with it."

I sighed, unable to believe Mingyu's words.

"Just go, alright?", I almost pleaded, wanting nothing more than to get him out of my room: "You irritate me right now. I don't even know if you're just acting and trying to manipulate me again, so just leave me alone because I'm sick of having to put up with you behaving like this. I have to stay away from you in order to get better, so why don't you help me by getting lost?"

I was being harsh and I hated how cruel my words sounded but I didn't know what else to say to make Mingyu leave. He was making my heart beat and I didn't even know if it was because I felt angry or attracted anymore. 

I didn't understand my own feelings anymore. 

"You hate me now, don't you?", Mingyu mumbled but stood up anyways, finally realizing that talking to me didn't make sense at that point: "You hate me for everything and now you can't even bear the sight of me anymore, right? You can't even look at me because all you see is the person who brought so much pain to you, isn't that the truth?"

I bit my lip, only watching how Mingyu slowly made his way to the door, still awaiting my answer.

"I'm not so sure about hating you", I replied, chuckling as I spoke nothing but the truth: "I should hate you. I know that I should yet I don't think I do so at all. It's as if you could hurt me as much as you want and I still can't stop myself from loving you. Crazy, right? You put me through hell and yet I'm still here loving you for no reason whatsoever."

Mingyu didn't say anything but nodded instead, frowning slightly as he looked at the door, hesitating if he should open it or not.

"Mingyu, just do me the favor and go back to the dorm", I demanded, noticing how a few tears started to escape his eyes: "And don't come back here crying like yesterday ever again. It's not fair of you to play the victim like this when you're actually the bad guy in this situation. The other members might have sided with you because they don't know what's going on but listen, I won't forget what you did to me. So don't you even dare play all pitiful around me ever again when you don't have a reason to do that. I'm so sick of you making me feel guilty, Mingyu, I'm so ing sick of it."

He left the room without another word.
______

It was about half an hour after Mingyu had left when a doctor arrived in my room, checking on me and asking all sorts of questions once again. I was annoyed by that, still too enraged by everything that had happened with Mingyu to have a conversation with anyone.

"I spoke with your manager earlier today and he told me you're going to see a therapist after being discharged", the doctor said at one point, giving me a small smile as he spoke those words: "Actually, I told him that I think it would be better for you to stay in this hospital. We can move you to the psychiatric ward and take better care of you there, you know? Your manager  was against that and I understand that he thinks it's safer for you to return back to your place since you're quite famous but I thought I should tell you that it'd be a better decision to stay here."

I stayed silent, not even listening properly since I didn't care about his words anyway.

"Your body may be alright again but it's not the same with your mental health. It would be better to take some time off first and get proper treatment here instead of going back to your busy schedule and working as an idol when you're mentally ill", he explained to me as he sat down on the chair next to me: "Trust me, I've been in this hospital for quite some time now and have taken care of more idols than you might think. I'm well aware of all the stress and pressure you're experiencing and I've noticed how most managements completely forget about your mental health and make you work again as soon as you're physically healthy. I know how much you must be going through right now, so why don't you take my advice and stay here?"

I furrowed my eyebrows at him.

"What do you even know?", I questioned, even more annoyed than before: "It's not like you have any idea of what I'm going through right now. Stress and pressure? Seriously? Is that honestly a reason to try to kill myself? Listen, you know nothing about my struggles because they have nothing to do with being an idol, so stop babbling about this useless stuff and tell my manager to get me out of here already. I'd rather work again than having to stay here any longer."

I was being disrespectful and I knew it yet I didn't even care. The doctor talking about me like he knew what I was going through was just something I hated listening to, feeling the urge to make him shut up already. 

"I understand that you don't want to be here anymore and I'm sorry if I insulted you with my words but it's pretty clear that you need treatment and-"

"I don't want any ing treatment!", I yelled at him, not wanting to listen to his words anymore: "I'm completely fine, alright? I don't need anyone taking care of me and listening to my problems right now, okay? It's not like any of you doctors would actually want to help me if you knew what my problem was! You'd probably feel sick when knowing what I am like and side with the person who made want to kill myself!"

The doctor was taken aback by my outburst, his mouth opening slightly and his eyes widening as he leaned back in his chair, taking in my words.

"It's not like anyone can help me out of this", I explained to him as I started to tear up once again: "No, this is just pointless. Even you doctors can't make me fall out of love with that person, so just leave me alone and tell my manager I don't have to stay here any longer than needed."

The doctor sighed at my words but nodded his head anyways, understanding that I didn't want any help. And as I broke down and cried once again, he stayed right next to me, not saying anything but just waiting for me to calm down. 

I guess he felt the need to make sure I wouldn't try to kill myself once again.
______

A/N: Mingyu complaining about Wonwoo's behavior finally put him into a new stage and I couldn't be happier about it. He's finally angry. Yes! He's making progress! 

Don't think too much about that doctor scene I just felt like writing about some outsider talking about Wonwoo's condition and he fitted in there lol poor guy just wanted to help but got disrespected and screamed at instead. Btw I don't know much about medicine and hospitals and all that stuff so don't hate me if I made some mistakes with routines and such!

Thanks for reading this chapter and oh before I forget it once again!!! Watch Wings #7 Awake aka Seokjin singing beautifully and showing everyone what real talent is. Thanks.