Seokjin instantly let go of me as he heard my words, looking at me with a bewildered expression plastered on his face.

He didn't seem happy at all.

Instead of smiling and agreeing to be my boyfriend, he rather took a step back, shaking his head in confusion. He was shocked, of course he was, but there was something else glimmering in his eyes as he stared at me.

It was disbelief, complete disbelief. 

"Wonwoo", he started to speak, furrowing his eyebrows after having said my name in nothing but a whisper. He didn't continue to talk, too perplexed to let any words leave his lips.

And suddenly, I felt scared.

It wasn't even the fact that he didn't answer me after I'd asked such a shocking question but the way he looked at me which scared me deeply. It felt like he was suddenly changing his mind about helping me, about being the person for me to lean on. It was as if he didn't want to be with me anymore, as if he wanted nothing more than to reject someone like me.

Someone who wanted to date him out of desperation.

And I don't know what came over me at that point but I guess it was the sudden urge to convince Seokjin which made me do things I'd never done if my mind had been straight. Which is why I stood up from the bed in a hurry, grabbed his wrist rather violently and dragged him towards me, putting my lips on his before he could reject my request.

I was so ing scared to lose him.

And it wasn't like Seokjin pushed me off as my lips landed on his, probably because he was way too overwhelmed to do so. He simply let me kiss him, completely tense as I put my hands around his neck. Seokjin stayed like that until I started to move my lips against his, desperately trying to make him kiss back. 

Which he did.

Instead of following his mind which most-likely kept telling him to push me off, he kissed me back, his hands soon finding my waist as he stepped closer, leaning against me. First a bit hesitant, he worked his lips against mine, unsure if what he was doing was right. 

Of course it wasn't. 

But soon enough, both of us didn't care about that, not holding back anymore as the kiss deepened and our hands started to move. Seokjin pushed me on top of the bed soon after, hovering over me as his lips found mine again, hungrily moving against them.

It all just happened way too fast.

His hands finding the hem of my shirt and helping me to get out of it, his lips kissing my neck, it's all something that happened in a blur, something I didn't realize we were doing. It was his lips on my skin, nibbling and , then finding my lips again. It was wild and completely wrong, yet I didn't feel the urge to stop.

If anything, I wanted to continue from there.

I wanted to be touched and kissed, I wanted to be intimate with someone and know how much of an affect I had on them. God, I just wanted to feel loved and appreciated already.

Which is why I let Seokjin go further and let go of all worries as I helped him out of his shirt as well. I kissed his neck and let my hands explore his body, moved on top of him and let my lips wander over his bare skin, kissing it the way he'd done to me. I was inexperienced yet I didn't care about that at all, suddenly feeling brave enough to do whatever I wanted to, on Seokjin's skin and leaving marks all over. 

For that short moment I suddenly felt so strong, so ing satisfied, it was as if the weak and pitiful me had never existed.

And I liked it that way.

I liked how I was in control of something, how I didn't need to worry about everything that had happened while moving my lips against Seokjin's, our kisses getting even more heated as time went by. I liked how I suddenly felt alive, as if my body was on fire.

I guess I was way too desperate to understand what exactly I was even doing.

All I understood was that I loved whatever I was experiencing, that I wanted more of it. God, I never wanted Seokjin to stop what he was doing to my body, never wanted to let go of him again. 

Because for that one little moment I was able to let go of him, to forget everything about that one person I couldn't free myself from.

Mingyu.

He wasn't there anymore, not occupying my mind like he always did. It was as if Seokjin's touches and kisses pushed him away and finally made me feel at ease, as if I was finally able to breath freely. I didn't need to worry and cry anymore because just like that I'd found the answer to all my problems, the easiest way to get over everything that had happened.

But sadly, I didn't find complete ecstasy before being reminded of our world's cruel reality. 

Because Seokjin suddenly stopped.

His eyes opening widely, he suddenly put his hands against my chest, pushing me off in an instant. He didn't say anything, our heavy breathing filling the room as Seokjin stared at me in nothing but shock, not wanting to believe what we'd done just seconds ago.

"What's wrong?", I muttered, furrowing my eyebrows and leaning closer to him again. But Seokjin shook his head, soundlessly telling me to stop, before sitting up and searching for his clothes in a hurry.

"Hyung, what are you doing?", I breathed, letting out a small chuckle as I watched him struggling to find his shirt: "Come on, don't get dressed now. We didn't even get to-"

", Wonwoo, no!", Seokjin yelled at me, looking completely devastated as he did so: "I'm not going to sleep with you! , what is wrong with me?"

He was angry and I didn't understand it at all. Wasn't he just as excited as I was? Did he want to stop because he was worried about me? 

I couldn't find a good explanation for his sudden behavior.

"Hyung, it's okay. You can sleep with me, really", I whispered, reaching for him with a small smile plastered on my face: "Don't be worried about me, yeah? I'm alright with it, no, actually I want to do this."

Seokjin's eyes widened even more as my hand landed on his shoulder, not liking what I was doing. 

But I was different. I didn't want to stop anymore, too thrilled, too excited by everything that had happened before. I wanted to continue feeling nothing but Seokjin's skin.

"Come on, have with me."

It was those words which made Seokjin slap my hand away, his eyes looking at me with nothing but disbelief: "Get your hands off of me, Wonwoo. For s sake, what has gotten into you?"

I only watched him, not even feeling a single emotion as he put his shirt back on and muttered something over and over again. Was it a swear word? Or a name? A cry for help? 

I didn't understand what was happening. 

"Wonwoo", Seokjin mumbled, letting out a sigh before continuing: "Whatever just happened was wrong. This is wrong. We can't do this ever again. This is just-"

"It's not wrong", I cut him off, not wanting to hear his words anymore since I could already guess where they were headed to: "What are you talking about? It's not wrong at all. It helps, Hyung! It helps to forget!"

Seokjin shook his head.

"No, Wonwoo", he started, not even looking into my eyes anymore: "This only helps temporarily. It's not good for you and sure as hell not for me. I'm- - Wonwoo- you don't even love me."

I furrowed my eyebrows at that.

"Do you even know how long it took for me to get over you? , I had to tell myself that I can't have you so many times and yet I still wanted you", he explained to me, standing up from the bed and taking a few steps back: "I got into a relationship with someone else to get over you and now I- now I cheated on him because you-"

He couldn't talk further, tears suddenly filling his eyes. And if I have to be honest, I probably knew I was wrong in that moment yet I didn't care about it at all. I knew I was playing with Seokjin but all I could think about was that my opportunity to forget about Mingyu was gone.

I was only thinking about myself.

"Wonwoo, you can't do this to me", Seokjin whispered as the tears escaped his eyes: "You can't play with me and use me just because you've been treated like that. All this time I've tried to forget about you and be nothing but a friend to you and now you-"

"Now I want you to be my boyfriend", I announced once again, no emotion underlining my words whatsoever: "Hyung, just break up with your boyfriend and date me instead, you've already cheated on that guy anyways. Look, this right here is something both of us want, so let's just continue and have some fun."

Seokjin shook his head at me, his mouth opening but not letting out any words. He was too shocked and confused to talk anymore, probably not understanding what was suddenly going through my mind. 

I can't tell you that either.

"Wonwoo, you don't understand", Seokjin whispered after a long moment of silence: "You don't even understand what I'm trying to say. You don't even love me. You're just trying to use me to forgot about Mingyu and I know it. There's probably not even a chance of you ever loving me back and yet you're trying to make me date you? Do you know how cruel that is?"

I sighed, irritated by his sudden resistance: "But you said you'd help me. You said you'd make me forget about Mingyu."

"Of course I'll help you", Seokjin insisted: "But not like this, Wonwoo. I'm not a toy to be used just so that you can get your life back together, I'm not going to help you if it means to ruin myself. I can't do that."

He was only trying to be logical, trying to protect not only himself but me included. Seokjin didn't want us to do anything that would lead to even more chaos, even more heartbreak. But I didn't understand it at that time, scratch that, I understood completely wrong, thinking Seokjin was throwing me away as well.

"Well, then get out!"

It was as if everything that had happened to me suddenly haunted my mind, telling me to do everything in order to get better. I didn't care about anyone else anymore, no, I only cared about myself.

I had to get over Mingyu, it was my top priority in that exact moment. And if Seokjin didn't want to help me just because he was too scared of his own feelings for me I had no reason to talk to him anymore. 

I didn't need him if he didn't want to help, it was all I could think about, as disgusting as it sounds.

"What?", Seokjin muttered after a short moment of silence, completely overwhelmed by my words. And instead of thinking about it a little more, I shrugged my shoulders at him, looking away: "Get out of my room, Hyung. And don't come back again if you're not going to change your mind. There's no use for you staying by my side if you're not willing to help me."

"Wonwoo, you don't understand. I want to help you, just not-"

"Just get out and don't come back!", I cut him off, suddenly completely furious. For a reason I can't comprehend, I felt like he was the one who'd done me wrong, who'd offered help yet didn't keep his word anymore. I felt like he was the one hurting me when it was actually the other way around.

I was hurting him so ing much.

Which is why Seokjin stormed out of the room without saying another word, tears streaming down his face.

And I didn't even feel sorry.
______

Time flew by and as it did, I changed. It didn't take long for me to be discharged from the hospital but when I did get out, I wasn't quite myself anymore. I started to resist our manager's words, refused to join our group's activities again and stopped talking to the members since everything they said aggravated me.

I just hated everything.

I hated to be caught in a cage full of problems and that I had no possible way to get out of it anymore, hated to be so ing restricted when I wanted nothing but to be free already. I hated how the members seemed to blame me for Mingyu's sudden weird behavior and how they kept asking if I was alright or if I needed to talk when I didn't want to talk to them anymore, knowing they wouldn't understand me anyways. I hated how the manager kept telling me to see a therapist, how nobody understood that I didn't need therapy to get better, how I myself didn't know what I needed anymore.

Asking for help wasn't an option anymore, hell, I didn't even want to get help since I knew just how pointless everything was. 

So what was left for me to do? How was I supposed to handle my life again, to get back on track again? 

Nothing, there was nothing left.

All I knew to do was to refuse, to block, to ignore and to stop caring about everything. I stayed in my room all day, doing nothing and still felt better than when having to talk to the others. I came to the point of just being screamed at and shrugging my shoulders at all the words thrown at me, no expression on my face as other members cried and asked for me to talk to them.

There was nothing to talk about anyways.

At nights I started to sneak out of the dorm, searching for shabby clubs and other places where I could get rid of all my frustrations without being recognized, drinking and laughing my problems off. I'd find guys to dance and spend the nights with, too often coming home drunk without thinking anything of it, carelessly searching for ways to make myself forget about Mingyu.

Without succeeding, of course.

I came to the point of being completely lost, thinking I was doing the right thing when making out with random strangers at random bars, thinking I didn't need to worry when being yelled at by the manager and threatened to be thrown out of the group.

Because I wanted to be thrown out.

"Get rid of me then", I laughed more than once, telling our manager I didn't care, that he was doing me a favor by throwing me out. Hell, I wanted to be gone more than anything, wanted to stop seeing Mingyu's face forever. Because every damn time I met his gaze I suddenly felt something and that was another thing I hated.

My feelings for that rotten bastard. 

His soft voice when calling out for me, his careful touches when he tried to talk to me, the many tears falling down his cheeks when he didn't get an answer out of me. 

It was all too much and yet too little.
______

AN: GUYS! I'M BACK! I've been gone for what? 3 months? Oh god. I'm incredibly sorry to you all but I was so busy starting college life that I kind of forgot about this story (or put it aside since I felt like I should concentrate on making friends and getting to know this new city and all) 

I won't drop this story so don't worry.

Actually, I wrote this chapter a long time ago and just now managed to edit it and all that, so here it is. I feel like it's one of the worst ones yet since we all can see how damn ed up Wonwoo has gotten. I intentionally didn't describe the "clubbing and drinking" part because I felt like I'd go too far then and just didn''t want to hurt you guys more. We are almost at the end though so just bear with it a little longer, yeah? 

Again, I'm very sorry for being gone and not telling you guys much about it but I honestly needed this little break. Thanks for your patience!