Things We Can't Control

In Search of Meaning
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Hakyeon and Leo hopped into the back seat of the cab that was waiting for them at St. Paul's Hospital's entranceway. After Hakyeon gave the driver the address to his apartment, the yellow vehicle eased out into the city streets pulsing with neon lights and night owls.

Leo sat on the right side of the backseat with only two feet of space left between him and Hakyeon. The interior of the cab was quickly filling up with the sweet smell of Hakyeon's skin, and halfway through the forty minute drive Leo felt like he was drowning in the scent. He tried to distract himself from it by gazing out the window to watch the nightlife pass them by, but the alluring smell kept pulling his gaze back to the vet who was obliviously closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the headrest.

Feeling his heart quicken at the sight of Hakyeon's exposed neck, he tore his eyes away and rubbed his now sweaty hands on the fabric of his jeans in an attempt to dry them. He took deep calming breathes through his nose, but instantly regretted it when Hakyeon's smell invaded his senses like a flood.

A tingling sensation erupted in his fingertips with the need to touch Hakyeon's dark skin, and he tucked his hands underneath his armpits to prevent himself from acting on the impulse. But soon the tingling began to spread through the rest of his hands, then up his arms, across his chest, down his torso, and eventually the rest of his body.

Every inch of Leo screamed for Hakyeon, and the wolf man had no idea what to do about it. Back in the hospital, Leo only touched the vet because he was curious about his feelings, but this was something different. Something he couldn't control. He started rocking himself back and forth to cope with the feeling, keeping his hands tucked under his armpits, because he was certain that if he let them free he wouldn't be able to stop himself from lunging at Hakyeon.

Leo also tried to keep his breathing shallow, so he can reduce the amount of Hakyeon's scent entering his system like a virus. He screwed his eyes shut, hoping stop the urge to taste the sweet smelling skin that came in waves whenever he caught sight of it.

"Sir," the driver called back, noticing Leo's distress through the rearview mirror. "Are you alright back there?"

Hakyeon opened his eyes upon hearing the question, and glanced over at Leo. When he saw the state the other was in, worry flashed across Hakyeon's face.

"Oh my God, Leo." He leaned closer to examine him as he asked, "What's happening? What's wrong?" Hakyeon noticed that the wolf ears under the beanie were pinned so tight to his head they appeared to be non-existent, and his worry grew into anxiety.

Leo felt the vet leaning in, and a fiery heat seemed to explode in his veins. The wolf man tried to put as much distance between himself and Hakyeon by pushing himself against the cool interior of the car door. Even though the coolness of the plastic felt pleasant on his hot skin, it wasn't nearly enough to repress the heat. Feeling helpless, he couldn't stop the miserable high pitched whine that emanated from the back of his throat. It was barely audible, but Hakyeon still caught the canine sound over the radio.

"Stop the car!" Hakyeon shouted at the driver, panic lacing his voice. 

The driver argued, "But sir, we're on a bridge-"

"I said stop the car, NOW!" Hakyeon roared at the man, and he immediately obeyed, pulling over to the right.

Before the car even stopped, Hakyeon was already unbuckled and opening the door. Leo had already opened his door and fell onto the sidewalk of the bridge by the time the vet made it to the other side of the vehicle.

Hakyeon kneeled down and pulled Leo up from the pavement to lean him back against the rear tire of the cab. Overwhelmed by the vet's scent, Leo shoved him away with all his might causing the other to collide with the fence that prevented people from falling or jumping off the bridge. The driver was about to exit the vehicle to see if he could help, but Hakyeon motioned for him to stay in the car.

Shocked by Leo's behavior, Hakyeon watched as he leaned his head back against the yellow cab with his eyes closed. His mouth was agape and gasping for the chilly night air, and his breath fogging every time he exhaled. His skin was glistening with sweat, and it shined a golden glow when the headlights of cars passed by. For a moment, he found the wolf man attractive like this, but the feeling was overshadowed with concern.

Leo felt his body cool down instantly when his skin came into contact with the chilly air, and since Hakyeon's scent was being blown away by the breeze, the tingling sensations and his beating heart seemed to settle down. Alleviation washed through him, and he felt his tense muscles relaxing against the cab and the sidewalk.

"I'm sorry."

Leo opened his eyes, and glanced questioningly at Hakyeon before closing his them again, still affected by the sight of the other.

"For what?" Leo asked, unsure why the vet was apologizing.

"I didn't know-" Hakyeon coughed on the cold air as he replied. "I didn't know you were claustrophobic."

"Eh?" Leo looked at him in confusion.

"If you had told me sooner, I would have figured out a different mode of transportation to my apartment." 

Leo made a split second decision to go along with Hakyeon's assumption, since it was much easier than explaining to him the real reason he was like this.

"It's okay." Having calmed down enough Leo casually pushed himself up, and held out a helping hand to Hakyeon. 

Accepting the offer, Hakyeon asked as he was pulled up, "So, will you be okay for the rest of the drive? It's only about ten more minutes until we get to my apartment."

Leo nodded, "As long as the windows are open."

 

~  ~  ~

 

"The only things I really moved from this place to Gangsan were my clothes since I bought mostly new things for my house, so this place is still inhabitable." Hakyeon explained as they entered the apartment, and he gestured to the large room to the right of the doorway. "This is the living room. It's got a nice sofa, and a flat screen TV for you to watch if you ever get bored."

 He then led Leo into the kitchen which had; a black and  white checker tiled floor, a stainless steel refrigerator, a  black glasstop stove, dark granite countertops, and white  cupboards. 

 "I took half of my kitchen utensils to Gangsan, but there's  still enough here for us to use," Hakyeon said, and quickly  pointed out to Leo where the glasses, dishes, and eating  utensils were. When he finished, he led him out of the  kitchen, and into a small corridor with a single door on the  right wall at the end of the hall and two doors on the left.

 "The last door on the right is the guest room. It has two twin  beds in it, so you can just choose whichever one you want,  unless you'd prefer to sleep on the couch. My room is right  across from the guest room, and the bathroom is the first  door on the left." Hakyeon turned to Leo, and was startled  slightly by how close the wolf man was standing next to  him. The vet hadn't realized through the entire tour that Leo  was never further than two feet from him.

Taking a step back, Hakyeon smiled awkwardly and asked, "Are you hungry at all? I can make a quick dinner before we go to bed."

Leo nodded his head, and Hakyeon instantly moved back into the kitchen to start preparing the meal. Once Hakyeon was engrossed in taking the ingredients out, Leo gradually moved closer so he could be within three feet of him once again. He wasn't sure why, but he felt the need to be close to the other, as if he can't relax if he isn't.

"Does dumpling soup sound alright?" Hakyeon called out, again not noticing Leo's proximity.

"Ne." Leo replied with a soft voice, now standing directly behind Hakyeon.

"Omo!" Hakyeon yelped, jumping in surprise when he turned around to find Leo practically right in his face. "Will you stop doing that?!" Hakyeon exclaimed, becoming annoyed with the little scares, and he returned to preparing the food.

"Doing what?" Leo asked, genuinely unsure of what he did wrong.

Hakyeon replied while he was putting ingredients in already boiling water, "Sneaking up on me! I swear, I might just buy you a cat bell just so I know where you are at all times."

"Don't," said Leo, not liking the idea of wearing a bell around his neck.

Hakyeon was going to add onto the subject, but when he turned around he found himself only inches away from Leo's face. His heart started pounding in his chest as his eyes flickered from Leo's dark brown orbs to his small plump lips, and he gulped nervously. Taking executive action, Hakyeon swiftly grabbed the knife off the cutting board he used to chop up vegetables for the soup, and pointed it at Leo in a mock threat.

"Out of my kitchen." Hakyeon ordered, grateful that his voice didn't tremble while trying to keep his nervousness from showing. "Now."

Leo glanced between the tip of the knife and Hakyeon's challenging gaze. Knowing that it's useless to argue with the vet, Leo turned and walked into the living room to sit on the sofa. Hakyeon returned to cooking in peace while the wolf man waited patiently on the couch, leaning over every now and then to see if he can catch a glimpse of the elder. After a few minutes, Leo realized he didn't have to hide his ears and tail any

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*