For Me

In Search of Meaning
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The moment Hakyeon felt Leo's fingers leave his hands, it was like the world suddenly ended. His vision blurred and he was no longer aware of his surroundings. He couldn't hear Wonsik's shouts, and nor could he feel the burn of the carpet on his torso as he was dragged back into the room. All he could feel was the emptiness in his hands.

I lost him. Hakyeon thought numbly. I had him....but then I lost him. 

His fingertips were still tingling from holding onto the wolf man, and for that brief moment that was all Hakyeon could feel. 'I'd never leave you.' Leo's words echoed in his ears, and that was all he could hear. He remembered the tears in Leo's eyes as he spoke those final words, and that image was all Hakyeon could see. 

It's all my fault. It's all my fault. The vet thought over and over again. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. 

Dread pooled in his stomach at the thought of returning to his apartment, alone. 

It's all my fault.

Leo won't be there to welcome him home. 

It's all my fault. 

He won't be able to see his smile ever again; the smile that somehow made him feel like that everything was going to be okay. 

It's all my fault.  

But without Leo, everything was NOT okay. 

It's all my fault! 

Because without him realizing it, at some point during the past couple weeks, Hakyeon's everything became Leo. 

It's all my-

CREEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Hakyeon flinched at the horrible sound, and his hands flew up to the sides of his head to protect his ears. But, just as soon as it started, the sound suddenly ended. Snapped out of his daze, the vet crawled back to the window to look down at the street below. However, before looking he paused for a moment in hesitation, afraid of seeing Leo's lifeless, bloody body on the pavement. Because he knows that once he sees it, it will haunt him every day for the rest of his life.

Swallowing his fear with a gulp, Hakyeon ignored the feeling of bile threatening to climb up his throat and peeked over the edge. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the sight of multiple unconscious bodies littering the three way intersection, but his confusion was quickly overshadowed by mixed feelings of relief and fear when he didn't see Leo among them.

"What the hell happened?" Wonsik appeared at his side, looking down in awe and horror as he voiced the question Hakyeon was wondering.

The vet slowly shook his head, just as confused as the other, "I don't know." Hakyeon's eyes scanned the bodies for what felt like the millionth time before asking the musician, "Do you see Leo anywhere?"

Wonsik's eyes widened when he realized the same thing Hakyeon did, "No. I don't." Suddenly, Wonsik's jaw tensed and his gaze hardened, "But I do see the suits starting to move."

Hakyeon looked back down at the bodies dressed in black, and his heart began to race when he saw a few of them stirring.

"We need to go." Hakyeon pushed himself away from the edge, and turned around to stand up. However, before he could straighten up he hissed in pain, and his hand flew to the patch of red on his left side.

Instantly, Wonsik rushed to his side, concern written all over his face as he took in the sight of the elder doubling over in pain.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Wonsik asked as he crouched by his side, and carefully peeled the vet's hand away from the wound. Through the tear in the shirt, Wonsik saw the blood streaming from the five inch gash just under Hakyeon's ribs.

"I'm fine." Hakyeon growled through clenched teeth, and Wonsik couldn't help but notice that the vet's dark skin was a shade lighter than normal.

"You don't look fine." Wonsik replied, not buying Hakyeon's words for a second.

Hakyeon sent a weak glare at the younger, but chose to ignore the statement by saying, "Just help me up, and let's get out of here."

Although Wonsik knew the vet was not in a good condition, he also knew that they couldn't stay. So, he listened to the older man's words, draping Hakyeon's left arm over his shoulder before lifting him up to his feet. Hakyeon groaned at the effort, but was up none-the-less.

"Can you walk?" Wonsik asked as Hakyeon pulled his arm off of the younger's shoulders.

"Yeah," Hakyeon panted slightly, leaning on the office desk for support. "Just give me a second." His eyes wandered over to Jaehwan, who was still lying on the floor next to the fallen bookcase. "You should focus more on your boyfriend," Hakyeon said, jerking his chin up as a gesture to the bird man. Wonsik glanced at the unconscious Jaehwan, and gave a brief look of concern and uncertainty to Hakyeon before striding over to his boyfriend.

While Wonsik checked the bandages keeping Jaehwan's wings folded, Hakyeon closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath. Since the moment he started standing, the room hadn't stopped spinning. His hand clutched the edge of the office desk when he felt the floor tilt slightly under his feet.

Stay up, Hakyeon. He urged his body to obey his thoughts, even though he knew he was losing too much blood. You can't afford to pass out now. Wonsik needs you. The others need you.

Taking a few more deep breaths, the room soon stopped spinning and he let go of the desk. He opened his eyes again to see Wonsik heaving Jaehwan onto his back.

"We need something to cover his wings," Hakyeon stated, and his eyes scanned the room for anything that could be used to accomplish the task. His gaze landed on the suits lying on the floor, and he swiftly strode over to the nearest one. He tried to lift the man up to remove his jacket, but the man was so heavy he could hardly lift him an inch off the floor. That's when he recognized the man as the cyborg he stabbed with the tranquilizer dart, and he instead moved to the next suit knowing he won't be able to lift the half-metal man. 

After not-so-gently tugging the black jacket off the other suit, he hurried over to Wonsik and laid the fabric over Jaehwan's shoulders. The jacket wasn't quite long enough to completely cover the wings, the feathery tips poking out at the bottom. 

"Is it good?" Wonsik asked, unable to see if Hakyeon succeeded in covering his boyfriend.

"It'll have to do," Hakyeon sighed, knowing he wasn't going to find anything better.

Then, Hakyeon looked down at his left side, and finally noticed the large patch of red staining half of it. Not wanting to draw attention once they're back out in public, the vet went over to the third suit and took his jacket for himself. Once he shrugged it on and buttoned it up, Hakyeon walked over the fallen door to peek out into the hallway.

"You know," Wonsik spoke from behind him. "That jacket looks really weird with those jeans."

"Shut up, Wonsik." Hakyeon hissed back before walking out into the hallway after seeing that the coast was clear. The two of them treaded carefully down the hall towards the stairs and the elevators, watching for any signs of suits.

"So, what's the plan now?" Wonsik asked as they reached the intersection of the three hallways. Hakyeon looked at the door to the stairwell, and he already felt dizzy at the thought of climbing down all those stairs in his condition.

"We'll take an elevator down," Hakyeon replied, already walking toward the nearest one. He pressed the 'down' button, and continued, "Then we'll sneak out of here, and find the others."

Ding!

The elevator doors opened, and the two men stepped inside. Hakyeon pressed the button for the ground level, and the doors closed again. When they felt the familiar momentary weightlessness as the lift began its descent, another wave of dizzyness hit Hakyeon with a vengeance. 

His vision spun and the floor tilted again, causing him to fall to the right. His head bumped into the wall of the elevator with a soft thud as he leaned his entire body weight into it.

"Hyung?!" Wonsik gasped, and turned to the elder even more concerned than before. 

"I'm fine, Wonsik." Hakyeon grumbled almost drowsily, his breathing becoming slightly shallow. His hair clung to his forehead due to the sweat accumulating on his skin, which didn't go unnoticed by the younger.

"No, you're not." Wonsik stated, and Hakyeon closed his eyes as he tried to pull himself back together.

"I know," The elder replied, knowing he can no longer hope to convince Wonsik otherwise. "But we can't stop. The suits will c

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*