Guilty Conscience

In Search of Meaning
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A few hours after Hakyeon had woken up, the group was racing down the freeway divided into two vehicles heading to Jonghyun's cabin. Hakyeon, Leo, Wonsik, Jaehwan, and Jonghyun were in the first vehicle; a black Metris passenger van lent to them by Wonsik's close friend, Sungjae. They were lucky that Sungjae didn't need it for a while, since the singer only used it when he was traveling with friends. Trailing behind the van in a silver Honda Accord was Dr. Sin, since it was his car, Hongbin, Hyuk, Woohyun, and Key.

Jonghyun had decided that it was too risky to use his truck, figuring that the suits most likely had his license plate number by now and would easily recognize it. Thankfully, Dr. Sin was willing to tag along with them to the cabin, and offered to use his own car so the group wouldn't have to cram themselves into the van like sardines. Also, thanks to the large van they managed to pack all of their bags, which were full of essential items that weren't at the cabin; such as, cooking supplies, dishes, toiletries, food, clothes, sleeping bags, and pillows.

In the van, Jonghyun was by himself in the front as the driver, Wonsik and Jaehwan were in the first row of backseats, and Hakyeon and Leo were in the back. During the entire ride, Leo had been paying extra yet subtle attention to Hakyeon. He was pretending to look out the window as he watched the vet through the corner of his eye, but the second he noticed Hakyeon's head slowly drooping down he turned his head fully towards the other with perked wolf ears.

"Hakyeon?" Leo called gently, not wanting to disturb the drowsy man too much. "Do you want to lie down?" 

Hakyeon's sleepy eyes slowly trailed up from his own lap, glancing over the vacant middle seat, and finally landed on Leo who had shifted in his seat to leave his lap open as a pillow. The vet couldn't help but grin at the wolf man in appreciation, with perhaps a hint of affection.

"Thanks, Leo," Hakyeon replied with a somewhat raspy voice. "But, I'm okay." The older man refused the offer simply because he didn't want to cause Leo discomfort; however, when he saw a subtle sign of dejection flash across the wolf man's face, he sighed in defeat. "Alright, I'll lay down," he said, his momentary guilt fading away at the sight of Leo's ghost of a grin. As he slowly laid himself across the seats, he paused midway to point a stern finger at Leo and say, "If you get uncomfortable, let me know." To which, Leo responded with a curt nod.

Leo felt a warmth spread through his body once Hakyeon laid his head down on his lap, and closed his eyes to slip into a blissful sleep. For a while, Leo stared at the peaceful man, and couldn't help but think about how close he came to losing him. How close Hakyeon had been to living the rest of his life at the mercy of those despicable people in that horrid lab.

The scenarios and images his mind conjured made him feel sick, and unbelievably angry. He wasn't angry at the suits, though. No, he wasn't even angry at Wonsik; although, he was for a short while when he found out the musician had left Hakyeon behind. His anger towards Wonsik died when Hakyeon said that he made the younger promise. There was only one person Leo was angry at when he thought about what could have happened to Hakyeon; himself. 

Everything that has happened to Hakyeon was my fault, Leo told himself as he gazed down at the sleeping man. If I had prevented him from getting shot- no, if I had never met him in the first place, he would be in a much better situation right now. He would be living his own life in that small town where he saved me, running that little animal clinic at the corner of the street. But, instead, he is a fugitive running away from dangerous people. Because of me, he has gotten hurt, and will continue to ge

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Kasou9
#1
Chapter 46: Hi i know its been a long time since you wrote this but anyway...i understand that you are no longer a starlight its sad but things like that hapoen to every fan ..... i also know that a lot of people love this story just like me and honestly i really want a happy ending for this the main reason is jonghyun because i only started reading this this week and when i first saw his name i was really sad he was in the fic then i realised you wrote this in 2015 _2016 and as the story went on i couldn't help but somehow just wish this would end happily because jonghyun is alive here and he gets to live and be happy in the end idk its weird to think that way but i felt glad he was in the fic and i was grateful to you but like
Dont remove him please it would be too sad at least like this remember him from time to time ppl will remember him while reading this fic i would really want to see the rest of the fic but its your choice after all and in case you dont finish it i still wanna thank you for the story it was lovely and thank you for sharing our love for vixx and shinee even if it ended somehow ♡
BlingBlingTiger
#2
Chapter 46: I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. We all need time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. I cried for days when I got the news and it feels like a part of me has been ripped away. I understand you not wanting to continue with him as a character in the story.
As for VIXX... Everyone has different opinions and ways of seeing things and dealing with situations...personally, when I see them exhausted and struggling, I worry about them, I want to lift some of the burden somehow. I want to tell them to rest and take care of themselves, but I also want to tell them to keep doing their best. I believe that VIXX and Starlights are a unit together and that it's our job to support and encourage each other. I love them all so, so much and their well-being (physically, mentally and emotionally) is of the utmost importance to me and so I worry a lot but I am also immensely proud of them. They always do their best and work hard to be the best that they can be while showing their appreciation for Starlights and I find that really admirable. Even exhausted, they give it their all to show their fans something amazing because they love Starlights and their passion for what they do is boundless. Seeing their determination despite the difficulties they face just makes me love them even more. To be honest, I could never abandon them like that. Leaving them because they were tired... is not a good reason. It's a shame that you couldn't grasp the immense effort they put in to show you a good performance.
Do what you want with the story and don't continue if you really can't, but please try to be more understanding of others in the future. We are all human beings and it is imperative to remember that they are humans too.
SuperShinee2pm2ne1 #3
Chapter 46: I think you should still continue writing the story. Though I understand the point about Jonghyun and with that I think you can 3 things with his character. The 1st option is to keep writing it with him in it, 2nd option is to exchange someone from another group with him and take the time to rewrite his parts to fit said new character and the 3rd option is to remove home out of the story completely. I personally would be sad if you take his character out but it's not my story to say any of the final stuff regarding the story. What ever you end up doing I'll respect it.
lunaticJTW
#4
Chapter 1: Whoa Taek calm ur
shuzyah
#5
Chapter 46: I am fine with not reading Jonghyun in the story for the time being, as it will hurt for the fans, and it will be tough for you too since you are questioning it. As for supporting VIXX.. considering what happen to Jonghyun, everyone r humans, including VIXX & yourself. If u need to stop the story, or keep it on hitaus, or continue, it is totally up to u, and i will support u & respect ur decision.
JungHyunRi
#6
Chapter 46: Hi authornim.. Finally u are back.. Or atleast have inform ur whereabouts..
1stly.. I am very agree with ChaYuume comment bellow..
Its up to u.. If u want to resume this story or not.. If u alr lost interest abt this story.. Bcz If u keep write this story.. U'll feel burden in fact.. U also can't give soul to ur story..
2nd abt ur experience in VIXX concert.. Well
I have my own experience for VIXX in SEA last July.. And truth to be told as ChaYuumee said.. We can't decide that some idols not give them all to fans (I telk this not only in name of VIXX but every idol in general)
Yepp u must be known that before VIXX have a concert at ur country, they alr had many scheduled they done.. And don't u think they stamina and energy almost zero? But they keep their scheduled over ur country.. If that not a way of their act to show Starlight Canada how they really appreciate ur invite?

Truth be told.. I alr attend Super Show concert in my countries for 5 times.. And the 2 times I attend were SS4 when they held 3 days a row in my country.. And they seriously exhausted at the 2nd day (1st day I attend the concert) And when I attended the last days (I atrended the 2nd and 3rd days).. They looked so hype and excited.. Maybe bcz that day is their last so they could rest.. And they really gave their all out energy in the final days..

Its humanly abt idol tho..

So If u seriously thinking,u couldn't be a starlight anymore just bcz of ur 1st experience,, well sorry to say.. Im a little bit disappointes with ur fell tho.. Huhu..

If u told them not give their all just bcz of ur guessing abt they weren't as excited as the fans there.. Its not wise for them too.. ㅠㅠ
Sorry..
edrylla_Dya #7
Chapter 46: I love this story. I love it's character. I hope the characters stays until the end. But if it's hard for you, I can understand. Thank you for your hard work author-nim

In the light of Jonghyun's passing and in the light of your experience to VIXX concert. Shinee is forever one of my favourite group. They're the second one after tvxq. When I love a group, that's mean no picking biases because I love them all. It tattered me very much, as a person who's much less experiencing the same mental illness. He could have a better future but maybe this is the best for him. And VIXX is, we can see from their schedule how packed it is. Entertaining people seem easy because we're watching without experiencing. Somehow, I hope you still love them the same.

-for we're neither immortal nor invincible-
verse2wo
#8
Chapter 46: While I would like for this story to continue, I understand why you would want to stop.
In light of recent events, it would be a different story without Jonghyun.
I wish you well and support whatever choices you make.
ChaYuume
#9
Hello~!☆
So, first of all...
Your story is one of the best I ever read, the suspense and all were really... Overwhelming?
Anyway thank for writing such a story.
But, if you feels like you can't continue to write it, I think we can all understand it.
It's true that only you knows what future you had reserved to the characters of this story, and with Jonghyun's passing, I understand that it's harder, knowing also what the story is about.
Whether we are fans or not, it affect us all. We all knows who Shinee are, their songs, they had a major impact on kpop.
Even if it's in different ways, even if we dont have the same way to cope with that, to mourn, or whatsoever, it'll leave an impact on all of us.
(It's still a sensible point, I'll move on...)

Secondly, concerning your experience at VIXX's concert.... Well...They are humans.
You can't expect idols to always give it their all when they are exhausted or feels down, even if they are trying it could also not works sometimes. You can't say that they dont care for their fans, not after all they do FOR their fans. Even over their exhaustion, Idols gives you a good performance, even if they're feeling down or aren't in the mood, they take over themselves.
Say, when you are exhausted, are you in a state where you can do anything else aside from resting?
So why would it be different for idols, they are not robots. They push themselves and push their problem asides for the sake of their carreer. For the sake of their own health. The recent situation is sadly the proof of that.
You don't know what is really happening in their lives, they all have their own problems, whichever idol it can be.
And, with all that we know about Korea's idol industry,...

With all of that said, if you lost your motivation over this concert experience and the loss of Jonghyun; if you don't want to continue this story, I think that it's better to just stop it there (even if, I'm sure, we would have liked a proper ending).
In the end, its your story, we are your readers; as long as you feels good with your decision, we must respect it.

Thanks for your hard work~*